strange day/tales from BPD fantasy land

[jaird]

Started texting with my ex this morning because I wanted to apologize for something I did. That was all i wanted, to give a short apology. That turned into a phone call from her to me, and then long text conversation about she still loves me, but she is sleeping with someone else. I kind of knew this to be true anyway, so it didn't really faze me, and I knew something was wrong if she was sleeping with someone else and then texting me. She could not be happy.

Turns out the guy she is seeing in a "noncommitted relationship", well it's really just sex. He says he is seeing no one else, and she is allowed to go to his house at any time and she knows where a key is hidden and she can let herself in. But, she is not happy. She does not love him and she says she still loves me. I told her I will not even see her under these circumstances. If she ends her affair, I will see her. I told her she could be a better person that this, more responsible and moral. She said nothing is immoral. I advised her to find a better relationship than just sex. She said this was all she could do now as she was "shellshocked" from our breakup (which was her choice), and that she could not start a new relationship right now. She then kind of admitted that the just sex relationship left her feeling empty and cheap.

I then did admit to her that, after three months of being broken up with her, I did sleep with someone once. It was not planned, but I liked the person and it happened. I don't plan on doing that again for my own reasons, but I admitted it happened. She then went onto call me all kinds of names. Then she claimed that the man who obviously has commitment issues is a "wonderful man" that she is dating, and she claims they have sex for fifteen hours at a time, LOL.

[jaird]

At this point, I am actually finding the ridiculous things coming out of her mouth to be funny.

[afterdeath]

*sigh*... .  maybe another 3 months will slap her back into reality... .  doubtful though... .  she's probably not even awake 15 hours a day... .  

[GreenMango]

Ya know she might have taken that apology as a open invitation or a little bit of a mixed message. It seems reasonable she would call after receiving an apology text.  You answered-no biggie it kind of went south from there with a lot of personal sharing which doesn't help if you are trying to detach.  The double standard about seeing other people isnt too surprising - belief no.2 the belief they feel the same way... .  they don't.

It does sound like you might be interested in trying again if the circumstances were a little different.   How you doing? 

[MaybeSo]

Both of you in this conversation moved to sharing details about your private sexual lives  with others. Why?

Her story of 15 hrs of sex appears to be a immature and fairly transparent reaction to feeling hurt or one-upped by your admission that you had been with someone else, too... .  eg, tit for tat and upping the ante.

Also, your comments re: her sex life sound like the voice of a parent or pastor... .  ?

It was a strange conversation, yes, and you both contributed to it.

What was the purpose?

[jaird]

I am doing fairly well Green Mango, one day at a time, good days and bad days.

And yes, she is very tit for tat. I did not start the tales of new partners. But I was honest and open with her. The truth is, I am jealous that she was able to move on so quickly, just weeks after she broke off a 27 month affair. Not so jealous of her or the new man, more jealous that she was not experiencing all the pain I was. My feeling was that I needed some kind of rebound relationship to put her behind me. It didn't work that way, and it probably never will.

I did not mean to sound like a pastor. I am not into judging other people. But my ex was 100% about monogamy the whole time we were together. It was what she focused on, and where I came up short. I am just amazed that now this woman who valued intimacy and monogamy and openness is now in a relationship where there really are no rules. That this woman who was extremely jealous is now with a man, sometimes, and it is just for sex and there is no commitment at all. That is a 180 degree turn and it boggles my mind. Now she says she is "like a man", and is happy for the sex. An hour or two later she did not sound happy about it.

Like I said, I don't think I am moralistic, but I do think sex for recreation or release of tension, or as exercise, might leave anyone feeling a bit empty after a while. I strongly believe it pales in comparison to an emotional relationship that includes a lot of togetherness and tenderness and compatibility. Sex for sex is really just like junk food. And neither of us is 20 or 25 years old anymore.

[GreenMango]

Sincerely there's no way she's doing as well as you think she is, she's probably miserable too.  She just handles it different.

Her values change because if she has BPD she probably doesn't have a set of guiding values.  It's quite possible those values you mentioned were actually your values.

What do you want to do Jaird?  Do you want to move on from this relationship or do you want to try it again with her? 

I ask because it sounds like if that conversation had gone a little more positive less tit for tat, you might be willing to try it again.  This isn't a judgment many of tried many times, just that leaving is a poor place to equip yourself with the skills needed to manage a relationship of this kind.

[jj2121]

Happened to me, 2 months after dumping me. She came back with text messages about her life is a mess,I communicated and offered advice because I was still not aware she may have been BPD at the time. She told me I appreciate it and I love you and miss you. I then get the text every morning when I am at work again,about what is happening everyday with her life and the father of her child and family etc. I eventually said if you don't want me why keep telling me all this? She then tells me she had a guy over for the weekend,but nothing happened and they both have issues.She thought she could talk to me as a friend,but obviously not. Seemed to shift the blame on to me. I eventually said this is not normal behaviour, you are using me and you claimed to love me a couple of days ago. She replied with how dare you... .  ... so ridiculous

[jaird]

Sincerely there's no way she's doing as well as you think she is, she's probably miserable too.  She just handles it different.

Her values change because if she has BPD she probably doesn't have a set of guiding values.  It's quite possible those values you mentioned were actually your values.

What do you want to do Jaird?  Do you want to move on from this relationship or do you want to try it again with her? 

I ask because it sounds like if that conversation had gone a little more positive less tit for tat, you might be willing to try it again.  This isn't a judgment many of tried many times, just that leaving is a poor place to equip yourself with the skills needed to manage a relationship of this kind.

Hello GM,

It's out of my hands. I am working on strengthening a more healthy relationship with someone else, someone I trust completely, and someone who is the same day in and day out. I have a standing offer to my ex that if she wants to try us again, I will even relocate to be with her, provided she break off the new relationship. But that offer won't be standing for long a I need to go on too. She seems unwilling to take that offer. She claims now that she is happy, and has no need for a real relationship. She says that she has her family, and work, and a few close friends, and she thinks she will always use men to suit her needs without ever opening up to them and being close to them. She said our relationship scared her because I got inside her head. I always believed that's what the best relationships are, where you are so close to someone you think like them and anticipate what they will do and share intimate details of your lives. I always believed that that "soulmate" type of relationship is something most people would kill for, a truly "once in a lifetime" (OK, maybe twice, LOL) type relationship. I guess she sees it differently. While she seemed to really enjoy the closeness we had at the time, and all the ways we clicked together-emotionally, sexually, habits, likes, etc. now she says she is afraid of that. She will alternately say she is happy now, then admit that she is numb. She will pine for how she misses me and can't get over me, but is afraid to be with me. My feeling is that we should go for it, I'd rather go for it and fail than to live with the "what if?" question for the rest of my life. But she sees it differently, and she seems to be operating out of fear of being close to me again, and fear of being close to any man.

[GreenMango]

You make a good point about not waiting forever.  You life is important too.

Sounds like it maybe time to let go for you.  So sorry I know this stuff is sad.

We have some good workshops and lessons here on leaving that might help you with this.

[jaird]

It gets even worse GM. We texted all day today. Got into more details. Someone asked on here why we were discussing details of new partners. I really don't know, but she is focusing on the one time thing I had. So of course it was a two way conversation. She asked about safe sex. So I asked too. I came to realize that she is being reckless. Very reckless. I honestly fear for her health, physical and mental, as a friend. Probably more for her mental health as she now says she and her new friend were both tested after she suffered from flu like symptoms for a month. It's scary stuff. This is a high functioning professional woman who should really know better. Not to mention, in my opinion, she should have given herself some time to heal and not rush into anything. But my opinion does not matter, I know.

She wants to see me, for a weekend or whatever. I was leaning towards that so we could talk face to face and try and work on rebuilding the relationship. But that was before I learned these new details. Now it's so disturbing, I really don't know if I would see her. It's almost like she's self destructing. I don't mean to sound so dramatic, and she can of course justify everything she does. She has always been able to justify to herself everything she does. Let's just say that having unprotected high risk sex with a man who she "knows" does not love her... .  I dunno... .  it's sad to me. I am not saying I am the most righteous guy in the world, but I did point out that emotion and love are what separates us from the animals. I think she understands my point, but I'm not sure she's going to change her behavior. I just feel sad now, but more sad for her than us. Breaking NC numerous times has actually made it easier for me to detach now. The more I see, the less respect I have for her. I still love her, and want the best for her, but my desire is waning quickly.