What do you if you are too tired to tend to his needs?

[Chosen]

I'm not always upbeat, and no matter how hard I try, there are some days when I'm just tired out, down and can't really validate and put H first. 

What do you do when you come across those days?  Do you still try to do your best and hope that he'll be happy with what he can get, or when he have emotional needs or seem down or whatever, do you just tell him you're not in the mood?  (It's not like he'll understand and empathise... .  )

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[laelle]

When I have those days when im just too tired to deal with his needs, I do my very best to take care of me and not make things worse with him.

[Mischeevious]

Unfortunately it seems we are stuck with everything revolving around them, I feel it is important to remember we have needs too and take time for us. I find when I am not my best he turns it round to him;I understand your frustration, I find if I'm ill he is terminal, if I'm tired he is exhausted it's like no one deserves any attention or care but him. All we can do is stay strong as possible and lovingly tell them we need a bit of rest or support so we can get back to normal quickly, if they don't understand or empathise don't take it personally. You sound like a loving supportive caring person, do your best to take care of you whatever it takes and remember you are not responsible for anyone else's happiness or behaviour

Stay strong, be happy

[Rockylove]

I'm with laelle on this one!  I have been so exhausted lately and yesterday was bad.  I was experiencing fatigue and heart arrhythmia and I was frightened.  I called a cardiac triage nurse friend of mine and then came home and went straight to bed.  My bf didn't ask questions and when I woke up I told him what happened.  He said "I think you should take an aspirine every day, but I'm not a doctor" and that was it.  He didn't seem to care much about how frightening it was for me~~not only did he change the subject, but he almost instantly started telling me of his aches and pains.  I just sat and listened.  It didn't make anything better, but it sure didn't make it worse either.

[Mara2]

I stopped telling my BPDh about what was going on with me a long time ago because he always responded the same way- "welcome to my world".  Now he is hammering away at me because I never "share my heart" with him. 

I have found a wonderful group of women that support me, understand what is going on here and will listen and calm fears, speak truth, and hug away the tears.  I'm very lucky that way. 

Do you have someone outside of H to talk to?  It really helps to have someone you can call or go out for coffee.  That is part of taking care of you. 

[briefcase]

In general, your first priority in this relationship needs to be taking good care of yourself.  If you aren't feeling strong, you really can't effectively help him in any meaningful way.  So, if validation doesn't come naturally and you aren't feeling it, then just try not to make matters worse.  Don't JADE.  Take breaks and timeouts from heavy conversations if you need to.

[yeeter]

Of course you do your best.  Which means, understanding that you have to put your own life vest on first before you can help others.

[Chosen]

Thanks all.  I do agree that if we can't take care of ourselves, we can't take care of anybody at all!

Are there any phrases you used to let your pwBPD know "I'm not in the best state right now and I can't give you all you need until I'm feeling better?"

[laelle]

I think the truth is probably the best bet as they can smell a white lie a mile away.  Your tired and not feeling well.  Its not your job to take care all his needs anyway.  Make a gesture of kindness... .  cook dinner and then tell him your really not feeling well and if he doesnt mind your just xxx this evening.  Validate his continued importance in your life, then take a break.  You deserve it.

[yeeter]

I like this phrase for it:

"I'm not in the best state right now and I can't give you all you need until I'm feeling better?"

Its genuine, and accurate.  He may try to dump his own emotions back into the dialog but if you can't validate it's better to just disengage and call the needed timeout.  (don't jade)

Recognizing your own emotions and capacity, and managing them in the moment, is a big help.  There is certainly nothing 'wrong' With being tired (I think we spend so much time feeding the other persons emotions that it's hard to make the shift back to, 'oh ya, I have my own needs and it's time to replenish'