My mother is what I believe to be NPD

[Wendell]

I'm finally at this point.  I should have been a long time ago but in my defense I've only become aware and had understanding of my past/FOO for about a year now.  I recently moved back to where I grew up as a child.  I'm divorced for 12 years now from my uxNPDh and have had other failed relationships along the way also, but that is not my focus of this thread.  I'm 48, my children are grown S21 and D18, in college, and I'm forced to look at myself now, there is no other choice, it's just me.  My mother is my focus and she especially has my attention now because I'm back living in the same city she lives in.  My wonderful T who I had to leave behind in the previous place my children and I lived, had me thinking and working on this continually, my mother being the center of our conversations.  She's the start of all my patterns.  Her approval and love is what I've searched for my entire life and never found, I've continued to try to gain that approval and love in my relationships, hoping to find through them what was lacking from my mother and I so desperately needed from her.  I see so clearly now how I was unconsciously trying to find from the men in my life what I actually needed from my mother most of all.

My mother is what I believe to be NPD, or in the very least has strong narcissistic traits. She has never been diagnosed and has never in her life sought any kind of treatment, she wouldn't.  She was sexually abused regularly as a teenager by a family member and was raised by a controlling, cold, father who believed women were not equal to men and didn't deserve to be treated as such.  I have to hand it to my mother, she went to college anyway even though he disapproved and has her master's degree, she is a very intelligent woman.  My mother can also be very caring and compassionate, however as I've learned more and more about these disorders I realize that it's always on her own terms and she wants to gain recognition and attention when she's offering these acts of kindness.  My mother is the master manipulator and triangulation is her favorite and regular means of controlling.  She most often will triangulate with my sister and I, one of us is always painted black the other the good daughter.  Unfortunately, my sister tends to be the one that gets more of my mother's wrath, I believe because I take a different approach with my mother and don't let her get to me openly (however inside, it still hurts, I just don't let it show). She gets more out of painting my sister black than me, because my sister doesn't stand up to her, I don't take her nonsense anymore.  However, I'm not immune to it and there is always an underlying sense that I'm not meeting her approval, wrong haircut, outfit, wrong opinion, etc.  It has also become very obvious to me that my mother triangulates with her own grandchildren, something that infuriates me.  One of them is always blacklisted and falling under her disappointing eyes, one is always the prince or princess who can do no wrong.  I find with the grandchildren there is no rhyme or reason to who is the good/bad guy at the time, it's just whoever is stepping up to give her the attention she "deserves" that will be the golden child at the time.  

My mother will go to any means to gain attention, she absolutely must be the center of attention at all times.  She most often uses physical ailments as her favored approach, she can't walk, her legs are bothering her, stumbling because her legs gave out, stomach issues, the list goes on and on.  If we are at a restaurant the waitress/waiter can never catch a break because there is always something wrong with her meal... .  it's too cold, too hot, not enough flavor, blah, blah, blah, it's embarrassing! In her world it's all about her, her, her, 24/7.  And she will tell you that!  She's always busy too, nobody works harder than my mother.  I think that she keeps herself busy constantly to avoid the pain of facing herself.  

I think what hurts the most is the way she treats my father.  My father is quiet, kind, gentle, very loving.  He rarely complains and has put up with a lot for 50 years.  He's devoted to her, truly loves her but is weak when it comes to standing up for himself.  I wish he could be stronger but at 82 years old he isn't going to change now.  

I guess I'm at a reflective state in my life.  Looking at my childhood, my relationship with my mother and how it's affected every choice and relationship in my life.  I don't want to go into my relationships again on this thread, I want to focus on my FOO in order to make changes that will be lasting and healthy in my life in the future.  I don't believe that one should blame their past, our parents, families did the best they could with what they were given also.  I see the hurt little girl inside my mother, who was abused and unloved as a child, she gave us what she could and has loved us the best she could.  She has many moments of kindness, I take those moments along with the bad and accept that she will never change, this is who she is.  But I can control how I react to my mother and this is what I'm working on regularly as of now.  I believe we can learn from our childhood in order to make healthier choices in the future.

I would love it if you would share your FOO stories and how you believe it's affected your lives, your choices in relationships, everything.  I think this is where the healing begins and the unhealthy patterns end.  I hope I hear from some of you!  

Wendell  

[heartandwhole]

Faith, what actions have you been engaged in to change your behavior with your mother? 

Thank you for sharing this.  Your post triggered some deep reflection on my part about my relationship with my mom.  I think our r/s, while very close and trusting and wonderful in many ways, is also unhealthy sometimes.  Or at least it was unhealthy, when I was her primary source of emotional support as a child/teenager.  My father was absent physically, then emotionally (when he finally joined the family), and also an alcoholic.

What is really hitting my as I type this, is that *I* am still behaving with my mother as I did when I was her emotional caretaker, I have fully internalized that role and I suspect that it has taken a much bigger toll on me and my relationships than I thought.  Yikes.  I looked at some of that book about emotional incest and there were a lot of bells ringing!

It's been like peeling an onion.  Every time I think I have an idea of what I'm working with, something else is revealed.  I'm actually feeling a bit overwhelmed and kind of hopeless.  I think my fear is that if I stop taking care of my mother emotionally, she will abandon/reject me and I won't have her as a support anymore either.  Although most of the time I protect her from my difficult feelings because she gets so upset that I have to help her through it, and my problem is relegated to the sidelines anyway - so it's just easier for me to deal with it on my own.  I do this with my friends, too.  So actually, I'm realizing that I don't expect emotional support from anyone.  Doesn't sound too healthy to me 

I have a T appt. tomorrow and my r/s with my mom is going to be the topic of discussion.  My T actually suggested that before, and now I see why 

Thanks for the invitation to share.  Lots to work through.

[seeking balance]

Great thread Faith

My FOO - where to begin... .  I have posted this before, but this sort of sums up my "aha" moment.

During the 3rd separation (I think), I had gone to visit my parents.  After a challenging morning where my mom blamed me for being rude (ie - me needing some space) and created drama between me, my dad and her - I literally called my T and left the message "OMG, I married my mother".

I knew my mom was difficult, being her daughter was difficult - but it was only in that moment that the reality hit me... .  and it hit me hard.

It is an interesting journey since this is a chosen relationship.  I am already detached from mom, so not nearly as dramatic and much easier to deal with.  I use the skills learned here.

Dating now, I see the patterns and have had the opportunity to practice removing myself from dating patterns that look like this.  It doesn't "feel" easy and is unsettling at times, but I know in my best interest.  Funny how much we are drawn to that similar energy - but with awareness, the patterns are quite visible now. 

Thanks for the topic,

SB

[Cumulus]

Hi faith, I too found myself back at FOO when I started looking at myself and not my xBPDh. I always thought my FOO wasn't that bad, there was no physical or sexual abuse involved. So really what did I have to complain about, so many had it far worse. I am just now getting to the point where I am realizing that I don't have to have the worst story, to still suffer from the emotional abuse that was mine as a child. And I think I have remained somewhat protective of my parents and the way they parented. My mothers death last year, although sad, was freeing. Anyway, I recently wrote a story about my coming up years and posted here. It was written for me but it is validating and encouraging when you can post here and even one other person reads and says, I relate.

[Wendell]

Thanks everybody for sharing!   

Heartandwhole, I totally can relate to what you said about regulating your emotions to the sidelines.  This is me also, I'm trying to begin to speak up for myself and say exactly what is on my mind.  It's not easy but I'm pushing through it.  What do I have to lose by being open and honest with people?  If I'm being caring in my approach than I believe that I have to take care of me first and foremost.  Wow.  Even a few weeks ago I wouldn't have been able to write that, it sounds so selfish.  But again, if we are conscious of not deliberately hurting others than we have to stand for ourselves and take charge.  As far as my mother, I'm trying to just take each situation and deal again, honestly.  If she says she's on her way to my house and I'm on my way out the door, I tell her that.  The old me would have been too nervous to not wait around for her but I am trying to take a stand and let her know I'm not falling for the drama or games she plays.  If she's doing something for attention, my approach now is to ignore or give it a light response and move on.  Seems to work, she doesn't engage with me for attention as she much as she does with my sister or father who indulge her regularly.  Thanks for responding and I hope your T appt. goes well! 

SB, "I married my mother!"  Oh boy, can I relate to this one!  I didn't realize it until like I said about a year ago, but I also married my mother!  Not a very pleasant thought!   I can also relate to what you said about being blamed for rude behavior, my mom is big on that.  Everyone is rude usually every day, it's amazing how similar the stories are when we start putting our heads together.  I'm finally able to start facing all of this so the patterns have become very apparent now, just like what you said. Thanks for sharing. 

Cumulus, I too didn't suffer from physical or sexual abuse, an occasional spanking but that was typical of my generation growing up.  Wow, you saying that you have always been protective of your parents, that's me too!  This is the first time I've been able to really open up and put into words how it's affected my life.  I feel disloyal Cumulus, but I know it's the key to healing and moving forward.  I understand how you must of felt about your mother's death.  It's conflicting feelings I'm sure, I am sorry for your loss.  No matter what we've gone through, they are still our parents and we love them.  Thank you opening up and responding. 

[seeking balance]

I wanted to clarify, I misspoke on my post and too late to edit.

Mom - not chosen relationship (contact, use skills, etc)

ex - chosen relationship (divorced, NC)

For me, detaching and determining my path helped when I realized the type of relationships - with my ex, no contact was a clear option once it was all done.

With my mom, I want a version of a relationship - practicing Radical Acceptance and putting clear boundaries on my time, topics, etc has helped.  I also listen more to her and don't expect much from her - I get my "typical" motherly emotional needs met from proven friends now.

Another thing that has helped me is trying to live by The Four Agreements

- be impeccable with your word

- don't make assumptions

- most things are not about you (really key here)

- always do your best.

If you have not picked up this book - it really is a good one that is pretty easy to follow. 

[Wendell]

SB, Thank you for clarifying.  I love what you said about radical acceptance, not expecting much but listening more.  I have been doing some of this too but will be trying to put that more into practice.  I definitely am working on my boundaries, this is what my T worked so hard with me on, she said if I was able to have boundaries with my mother than other r/s boundaries would follow naturally.  My T teased me that it was a good thing that I was moving back home, that I was going to be forced to interact regularly with my mother now, she said it would be a good test for how I would handle present/future relationships; what I would accept and not accept.  I will look for that book as well, it sounds like something that will be helpful for me to read.  Thank you again for sharing!

[seeking balance]

  My T teased me that it was a good thing that I was moving back home, that I was going to be forced to interact regularly with my mother now, she said it would be a good test for how I would handle present/future relationships;

Oh wow - I could never do that!  I know my limits and I am totally ok with being 3,000 miles away -

[Wendell]

It's definitely been one of my biggest challenges! The way I look at it, if I can do this, I can do anything!