I guess they don't really do logic, huh?

[BiancaRose]

Mommie Dearest is driving me crazy!

She won't stop re-adding me on Facebook, getting mad when I decline the request, and then sending me messages calling me selfish and hurtful because I won't add her.

The thing she can't seem to get is this: I removed her because I didn't like her repeated attempts to tell me what I should/shouldn't say on Facebook. I told her that. Now, she's trying to get me to change my mind by doing THE EXACT SAME THING I REMOVED HER FOR IN THE FIRST PLACE. Her repeated efforts to get me to use Facebook how SHE wants instead of how I want are so counter-productive. She's basically proving to me that she doesn't get why she got unfriended and refriending her would be just about the dumbest thing I could do.

Last discussion we had, I tried to focus on the technique where you essentially just repeat a single talking point: in this case "I have the right to protect my feelings as I see fit". She told me to just keep reading her last messages (about how I'm selfish and I'm hurting her by doing what I do to protect myself) and I won't hear from her on the subject again. Yeah, I've heard that song before.

I also know, though, that she's going to get my dad to put pressure on me to refriend her, which I really hate. I know I could block her but I'm not sure I'm ready for the repercussions of that. I don't want to completely break ties; I just want to be able to set limits and stick to them without being told I'm a terrible human being. That's unrealistic, I think, but it shouldn't have to be.

[Deb]

Have you blocked her? A person who is blocked, can't see you on FB.

[GreenMango]

Sometimes her feeling won't be logical - this is the difficult part.  Have you tried validating her feelings?  Has she spoken about those?  (not the insults)

You can validate feelings and still uphold your boundaries.

SET is great in this area.  Then you have to weather the extinction burst and not give any intermittent reinforcement in this area by listening or responding to the verbal assaults.

It's hard to get into the groove of this.  Takes a little time.

Have you read the workshop on those tools?

[BiancaRose]

Sometimes her feeling won't be logical - this is the difficult part.  Have you tried validating her feelings?  Has she spoken about those?  (not the insults)

You can validate feelings and still uphold your boundaries.

She is saying that the only way I can be considerate of her feelings is to add her on Facebook. If I really loved her, if I cared about her feelings, I would do what she wants. I don't know how to validate her without letting go of my boundaries. I've read about SET but I can't quite get my head around how to implement it in this case. How do I signal support when the only thing she'll read as supportive is if she gets her way?

I know I can block her but I hesitate to do so because that's a point of no return and I'm afraid of her reaction. I may have to do so - she spends a lot of time on Facebook trying to glean whatever information she can from people who are mutual friends - but I'm scared of the reaction from her and the family members she gets on her side. (Which is all of them.)

[BiancaRose]

I feel like, since SET seems too tough and too engaging for me - I don't want to show her Support and Empathy when it's all I can do to hold on to my Truth! - "medium chill" might be a technique that suits me well. I'm reading the sticky on the message board, but any pointers anyone can give me on how to implement it effectively will probably be helpful. 

[P.F.Change]

I also know, though, that she's going to get my dad to put pressure on me to refriend her, which I really hate. I know I could block her but I'm not sure I'm ready for the repercussions of that. I don't want to completely break ties; I just want to be able to set limits and stick to them without being told I'm a terrible human being.That's unrealistic, I think, but it shouldn't have to be.

It sounds to me like you are stuck in a circular argument. (There's a workshop on that.) Your mother keeps pushing this button (or in your case, clicking it) because it is working to keep you engaged. She gets a reaction from you. It doesn't ultimately matter whether you accept or decline, all she wants is the reaction--to keep you hooked in the cycle.

You can control the limits you set, and you have a right to protect yourself with the boundaries you need. What you cannot control is how other people respond. Healthy people can respect other people's needs and boundaries; disordered people cannot. It sounds like you are frustrated because your disordered mother is behaving like a disordered person. What else can you expect? She is not going to behave like a healthy person because she is not capable of that. (There's a workshop on radical acceptance. It helped me adjust my expectations and feel less frustrated.)

When you do not do things her way, she is going to tell you (and possibly everyone else) that you are a "terrible human being." You can expect that, and you cannot change or control it. What you do have power over is your own response to that behavior. Will you listen or not? Will you believe or not? Will you argue or assert? You decide what you do.

Medium chill is a good technique when others are wanting you to join them in their emotional ups and downs. When my sis wants me to be as excited as she is, or as depressed as she is, or otherwise manage those emotions for her, I stay MC--as boring and detached as possible. But I also need techniques like SET and PUVAS to validate her emotions while asserting my separate identity. The broken record approach can sometimes be helpful... .  but if you are feeling more and more annoyed every time, you might need to notice your limit and protect yourself with another boundary. (Such as, "I'm finished discussing this. Is there something else you would like to talk about, or shall we talk another time?"

You say you do not want to block your mother on FB because you do not want to "completely cut ties," it's "a point of no return" and you're "afraid of her reaction." What do you mean by the first two? There are other ways to stay connected, and you don't want her seeing your FB and harassing you with requests, anyway... .  There is also such a thing as "unblocking" if you change your mind later.

Being afraid of your mother's reaction is a different matter. How might you plan ahead for that? How can you expect her to react, and what will your response be?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[P.F.Change]

She is saying that the only way I can be considerate of her feelings is to add her on Facebook. If I really loved her, if I cared about her feelings, I would do what she wants. I don't know how to validate her without letting go of my boundaries. I've read about SET but I can't quite get my head around how to implement it in this case. How do I signal support when the only thing she'll read as supportive is if she gets her way?

I feel like, since SET seems too tough and too engaging for me - I don't want to show her Support and Empathy when it's all I can do to hold on to my Truth! - "medium chill" might be a technique that suits me well. I'm reading the sticky on the message board, but any pointers anyone can give me on how to implement it effectively will probably be helpful. 

You raise some good points! And again, part of the answer is that you can't control her reactions. While validation techniques can sometimes be helpful because they can help someone feel heard and understood, using one does not guarantee the other person will be calm or able to listen. In other words, you can offer support and empathy, but you can't make her accept it. She seems to be using your support statements to manipulate you.

This has happened to me before. One day I told my sis no, repeatedly, even using SET (like a master! I was so proud), but she kept pushing. Her behavior escalated until I told her I was about to call the police. After that, she didn't speak to me for a month. When she did finally decide to speak to me, she said I made her feel like she wasn't even my sister anymore [because I would call the cops instead of giving into harrassment and manipulation.] That statement was designed to make me feel guilty... .  she expected me to soothe her and apologize. What I said to her was, "You are my sister, and I do care about you. [Support] That must have felt awful, having your sister threaten to call the police on you. [Empathy] Honestly, that experience wasn't fun for me, either. I hope you will not put me in that position again, because I don't want to have to call the police on my sister. [Truth]" It wasn't the answer she wanted, but she did not continue trying to manipulate me with guilt.

In that example, SET did not change my sis's behavior. The first time, she chose to continue acting out; the second time, she chose to stop. But the reason I feel it worked *for me* both times is that I was able to act like a mature adult while asserting my boundaries and I could care about others' feelings even when they are not the same as my own. I felt empowered to speak my needs in a compassionate way that would minimize damage from my end. Reacting by saying what I was really thinking ("What the hell is WRONG with you?" would have invalidated her and made things worse.

Would you like to practice any SET or PUVAS statements for your situation?

I also like statements like, "I guess we see things differently," and ,"I can understand why you feel that way. I feel differently," and, "That's a valid opinion even if I disagree."

PF

[Rbrdkyst4]

Facebook has settings that won't allow anyone to see your page. I have it set it up (and it took a bit of time) so that my enDad can only see my basic profile and that's it. No status updates. No photos. I have also set it up that only my friends can contact me. I've pretty much squeezed him and uBPDm right out of the loop, which is very comforting.