New therapist says "he's not a nice man" - felt shocked but it helped

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I saw a T for some time while still in the midst of the 'dysfunctional dance' with exH.  Most of our sessions were spent with me trying to deal with the lastest bombshell.

Since the last break-up, I have felt grief than heartbreak  It was yet another weird break-up where it took me a while to realise we'd split (we weren't living together).  I then got an apologetic e-mail that still managed to cause me great distress "love you but life with you isn't fulfilling enough for me" type of apology.  This wasn't the first time I'd been told this but for some reason, this time I became really angry instead of feeling sorry for him.

I contacted a new T to deal with the grief and anger as I knew it was beginning to affect my emotional availability for my kids, my work etc.  Not much but I didn't want it to get worse.

I met her for the first time yesterday and within about 10 minutes of talking to her, she looked at me and said "he's not a nice man".  I was taken aback.  I'm so used to defending him "he's ill" "he really struggles" "I really hurt him so it's sort of my fault" etc.

Once I'd got over my shock at how direct she was, I realised I felt quite empowered.  That it was actually OK to feel the anger I felt and that he has been emotionally abusive.

I am quite happy to reply to others' posts and tell them that they don't deserve to be/have been treated as badly as they have but I haven't been able to really believe it for myself. 

There's still a little bit of me struggling to think of him this badly - he and I were together a long time, a lot of it good and we have children together.  But I am really hoping that this is the beginning of a different path for me. 

I felt quite energised today. 

[clairedair]

I saw a T for some time while still in the midst of the 'dysfunctional dance' with exH.  Most of our sessions were spent with me trying to deal with the lastest bombshell.

Since the last break-up, I have felt grief than heartbreak  It was yet another weird break-up where it took me a while to realise we'd split (we weren't living together).  I then got an apologetic e-mail that still managed to cause me great distress "love you but life with you isn't fulfilling enough for me" type of apology.  This wasn't the first time I'd been told this but for some reason, this time I became really angry instead of feeling sorry for him.

I contacted a new T to deal with the grief and anger as I knew it was beginning to affect my emotional availability for my kids, my work etc.  Not much but I didn't want it to get worse.

I met her for the first time yesterday and within about 10 minutes of talking to her, she looked at me and said "he's not a nice man".  I was taken aback.  I'm so used to defending him "he's ill" "he really struggles" "I really hurt him so it's sort of my fault" etc.

Once I'd got over my shock at how direct she was, I realised I felt quite empowered.  That it was actually OK to feel the anger I felt and that he has been emotionally abusive.

I am quite happy to reply to others' posts and tell them that they don't deserve to be/have been treated as badly as they have but I haven't been able to really believe it for myself. 

There's still a little bit of me struggling to think of him this badly - he and I were together a long time, a lot of it good and we have children together.  But I am really hoping that this is the beginning of a different path for me. 

I felt quite energised today. 

[mango_flower]

Wow, I can't believe your therapist said that!    Good for her though.

It's good to hear, as it makes YOU feel validated.  And you have spent so long trying to validate him, and justify his behaviours... .  probably to the extent of ignoring your own needs.  It does feel good to be told that how he acted was NOT OK.

I am glad you're getting some help for yourself - and I am happy you're feeling quite positive today!

xxx

[clairedair]

Thanks mango-flower

was going to reply to one of your posts today because you sound as if you are going through some of what I went through - the guilt - feeling I hadn't looked after him as well as I should have.  I felt that I was lucky enough not to have mental health issues and therefore I SHOULD be strong enough to deal with his acting out.

But no matter how much I tried to put his needs first, I got told time and time again that his needs weren't met (and hadn't been for most of our marriage etc).  I think it just made me determined to put more effort in!  Partly arrogance on my part.

I didn't find it the most comfortable session with new T.  She seemed so taken aback at times at what I'd experienced that I was aware of feeling like I'd done something wrong by staying around so long  - so back to feeling the guilt - this time for not looking after myself/kids.

In one hour though, she really made me think about all sorts of things.  It's weird thinking about myself and my own issues instead of ex!

[atcrossroads]

What a great session and a great T!  Your post is very inspiring, Claire, and it's a very helpful one for me to read.  You summed up in a much more concise way the same feelings I've been battling of late - grief AND anger but then that pity for him and that feeling that I should defend/cover for him.  I have had a hard time too admitting how much I've done that over the years.  My husband can be and was a good and "nice" man during much of our relationship, but all in all, no, he is "not a nice man" either.  I don't think he can help it, but still, does that mean I need to endure the negativity and hatefulness he has for the world?

I'm so glad you experienced so much growth and awareness in just one session with your new T.  Sounds like she's a keeper!  He on the other hand... .  

[BeHappyAgain]

Yes atcrossroads - I can relate to that - and have experienced something similar.

I explained to my T the

push-pull,

I love you, go away,

on again, of again,

4th, 5th recycle,

devaluation, 

push for engagement and marriage

cesation of emotional and physical warmth

etc etc etc

Abrupt end of relationship

[You know the drill  ]

After I explained all that to my T, she said the relationship was 'Abusive'

Its kind of shocking but also very validating.

I clung to that statement in the early stages after the breakup.

My family have sad my ex was mad and so on - but they are just confused about me exUBPDGF behaviour.

There's something entirely different about hearing a mental health proffesional make such a strong comment like that. It's the credibility they have I suppose - and I know My T's good because I did my homework before I went to see her.

[sunrising]

I had the same feeling of validation from a therapist.   Mine is a 25 year veteran and was our couples counselor, so she knows "us" pretty well.  Towards what wound up being the mysterious end of our relationship, she became more direct.  After a seemingly nonsensical incident, my exwBPD said in therapy, "I'm afraid I've lost him this time". Our T replied, "That's a legitimate concern.  You can't expect him to endure this type of behavior indefinitely".    

Since the break-up, I've remained with the same therapist.  She's not a BPD specialist, but she's the only person I know who got to see how things went with us.   She's fairly direct and often negative about my ExwBPD's behavior.  In our last session, when I revealed I'd been communicating with my ex, she said, "As nice as what she said was, I believe it was still an attempt at manipulation".   She went on to say, "She will always be inferior to you and in need of your help.  This dynamic would never change. I don't see her ever being your equal".

Harsher words than I could ever say, but a direct T can be empowering.  

sunrising

[Wooddragon]

Mine told me "he will never be the person you want him to be" - we are now spending our time dealing with me 

[recoil]

When me and my ex first broke up, fourteen months ago, I went to see my first T.  He told me my ex was toxic and the first thing he told me to do was "not make a child with this woman."  That shocked me, as honestly, we weren't using protection at that time (she wanted a baby and we were engaged).  That woke me up fast.

A couple of months ago, I started a different T that has a lot of experience with BPD.  She says my ex is clearly BPD -- as is my Mother.  So now we're working on me.  We barely speak of my ex now -- unless my ex reaches out in some fashion (has been weekly with the exception of this week).

[Newton]

Nothing like a great T that gives you an emotional kick up the ar+e ... .  

Mine said "Ok Newton, you are in love with this girl... .  what do you like about her?"... .  

My response was confused silence  

[sunrising]

Mine said "Ok Newton, you are in love with this girl... .  what do you like about her?"... .  

My response was confused silence  

I had pretty much this exact same revelation on my own just last week in therapy.  I said, "I feel like I'm madly in love with her, but I honestly can't tell you what I even like about her".   I immediately apologized because it felt like such a mean thing to say.   My T quickly responded, ":)on't apologize!  You just said a mouthful and I'd say you're on to something important".