i may lose my family

[Depression = 72% of members]

My mother is an undiagnosed BPD.  After years of enduring rages and tirades where I was called every terrible name in the book over something as small as putting a towel on top of the dryer, I finally sought therapy to help myself cope.  After listening to my stories, the therapist suggested I read Walking On Eggshells and it was a revelation.  It was like reading a biography of my mother.  I believe she has BPD but she has never (to my knowledge) been diagnosed or treated. 

After a tirade in November when I was called a "selfish and narcissitic abomination"  I tried to talk to my parents and tell them how much that talk hurt me, and made it difficult to visit.  My mother denied calling me an abomination, and suggested I'd said it myself.  She said I was too sensitive and did not accept any responsibility for what she'd said.  I tried to point out the repeated patterns of her behavior, but they told me not to dwell in the past AND my mother denied much of it.  I decided I'd had enough and told my parents I would not be coming to their house alone again until I knew I could do so without verbal abuse.  They both acted super friendly to me and complied until this week when my mother launched a tirade on me over the phone.  She would not accept any responsibility for her actions and would not even discuss them, but instead railed at me for loving my in-laws more, spending more time with them, and betraying her and my father at my wedding 5 years ago. 

My husband's father died of alcoholism and my husband did not want alcohol at our wedding.  I fully supported my husband through this issue even though my parents reacted very bitterly and pressured me to support them instead.

She insists that is the true reason for our estrangement, it is all my fault, and I should find a way to show my family I love them MORE than my in-laws.  That's a game I refuse to play because there is no way to win.  I have been a dutiful daughter always.  I moved out of state 1.5 years ago and have made it in to visit my folks 7 times since.  I have invited them repeatedly to visit, and they won't.

I know she is deflecting blame, and I know she is terrified of abandonment and I triggered that fear when I said I wasn't coming home.  I am emotionally exhausted after this last tirade Monday and have found it difficult to function at work. 

I have a loving supportive husband, but he has never seen these behaviors from her and encourages me to "not let it bother me."  Good advice, but when she launches a tirade it still hurts.  FYI I am 35 years old, married, no children.  I'm afraid I may never be able to reconcile this relationship, but it isn't my job to fix the entire thing.  She insists it is, but I know it isn't.  Relationships are 50/50 and she is responsible for her actions as I am mine.  I've asked her to go to therapy with me to learn new communication skills and she says she is too old for that, and we are not that kind of family. 

I feel lost, alone, confused and unsure of how to proceed.  Does anyone else ever feel this way?

[FlagGirl]

My mother is an undiagnosed BPD.  After years of enduring rages and tirades where I was called every terrible name in the book over something as small as putting a towel on top of the dryer, I finally sought therapy to help myself cope.  After listening to my stories, the therapist suggested I read Walking On Eggshells and it was a revelation.  It was like reading a biography of my mother.  I believe she has BPD but she has never (to my knowledge) been diagnosed or treated. 

After a tirade in November when I was called a "selfish and narcissitic abomination"  I tried to talk to my parents and tell them how much that talk hurt me, and made it difficult to visit.  My mother denied calling me an abomination, and suggested I'd said it myself.  She said I was too sensitive and did not accept any responsibility for what she'd said.  I tried to point out the repeated patterns of her behavior, but they told me not to dwell in the past AND my mother denied much of it.  I decided I'd had enough and told my parents I would not be coming to their house alone again until I knew I could do so without verbal abuse.  They both acted super friendly to me and complied until this week when my mother launched a tirade on me over the phone.  She would not accept any responsibility for her actions and would not even discuss them, but instead railed at me for loving my in-laws more, spending more time with them, and betraying her and my father at my wedding 5 years ago. 

My husband's father died of alcoholism and my husband did not want alcohol at our wedding.  I fully supported my husband through this issue even though my parents reacted very bitterly and pressured me to support them instead.

She insists that is the true reason for our estrangement, it is all my fault, and I should find a way to show my family I love them MORE than my in-laws.  That's a game I refuse to play because there is no way to win.  I have been a dutiful daughter always.  I moved out of state 1.5 years ago and have made it in to visit my folks 7 times since.  I have invited them repeatedly to visit, and they won't.

I know she is deflecting blame, and I know she is terrified of abandonment and I triggered that fear when I said I wasn't coming home.  I am emotionally exhausted after this last tirade Monday and have found it difficult to function at work. 

I have a loving supportive husband, but he has never seen these behaviors from her and encourages me to "not let it bother me."  Good advice, but when she launches a tirade it still hurts.  FYI I am 35 years old, married, no children.  I'm afraid I may never be able to reconcile this relationship, but it isn't my job to fix the entire thing.  She insists it is, but I know it isn't.  Relationships are 50/50 and she is responsible for her actions as I am mine.  I've asked her to go to therapy with me to learn new communication skills and she says she is too old for that, and we are not that kind of family. 

I feel lost, alone, confused and unsure of how to proceed.  Does anyone else ever feel this way?

[Being Mindful]

Dear FlagGirl,



I'm so glad you are here and sorry to hear how you are suffering. You asked if any others feel as you do... .  lost, alone, confused and unsure how to proceed. I know for certainty that we all understand and have felt the same thing. Here, you will find many others like yourself that are struggling to understand your relationship with your mom. We are here to help and support you.

As I read your post, I thought of these links:

Video-What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

Please take a look at them and let me know if you have questions.

I'm glad you sought the help of a therapist. Many of us have. Are you still in therapy?

Looking forward to getting to know you better and learning how we can help.

Being Mindful

[Clearmind]

FlagGirl, Sorry to hear you are hurting. Goodness, I know all too well how exhausting these "episodes" can be. Trust you really are not alone - we all get it.

Your hubby is unsure how to deal with it because he doesn't fully understand it. It is hard to not let it bother you.

I'm pleased to hear that you understand where these behaviors are coming from and that they are certainly not your fault.  However, growing up in an environment like that certainly can have a huge bearing on us.

Your relationship with the in-laws is your and hubbies business not hers. And you are most likely right - she is threatened. Sometimes it helps to think of their emotional coping skills much like a 3 year old - she has no way of regulating emotions and therefore projects that onto you.

How is therapy going? Has your therapist spoken to you about boundaries?