BPD-Ex Contacts Me Through IM with Fake E-Mails... WHY?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have had no contact of any kind with my BPD-Ex for over 6 months. (Broke up a year and a half ago.) During the past year I have received some short suggestive IM's with links to sex sites, which I ignored and assumed were just spam. I blocked each email but kept receiving new ones, with different email addresses, every so often. (Btw, friends encouraged me to click on the sex links from the IM's last week, and I did so reluctantly, just to find that all the links were bogus... made up.) Recently, I inadvertently changed my IM setting so that I would receive my IM messages via text whenever I was signed out on-line. About a week ago I awakened to a text in the middle of the night and thought it was a weather alert. Instead it was an IM text which showed up as letters/jibberish on my phone from my EX. I know this because I had received a few personal text messages via the internet a few years ago and I included the number in my contact list. I said are U ok... with no response. I checked my on-line IM account the next morning to see if I could garner any more information and saw that what showed up as jibberish on my cellphone was actually a sex link on my computer screen. Later in the day I got another weird IM text from my Ex with a fake name telling me, "Hi, I'm 24 (my ex is 40)... .  don't know where I got your user name from... you?" garbage. I about fell over... deeply saddened and in shock! I replied with the fact that I knew who it was, didn't want to be bothered, am now in a healthy, happy, relationship (with a true adult I might add, yeah), with no response. I know that my Ex has been involved with someone else for awhile, and have thought that perhaps the IM's served as a safety net/testing the waters for someone else (me) before breaking up with the new victim. I don't know the motive... maybe it's just harassment or sadistic amusement. I know that I shouldn't be giving this energy, but the realization that my Ex had been sick enough to send me fake emails with links to bogus porn sites has thrown me off kilter a bit. Extremely weird, even for my Ex! I am just trying to figure out why someone would behave this way. We had even been on good terms the last we spoke. ? Anyone ever have a similar experience or have any insight? Thanks!

[blindfool]

I have had no contact of any kind with my BPD-Ex for over 6 months. (Broke up a year and a half ago.) During the past year I have received some short suggestive IM's with links to sex sites, which I ignored and assumed were just spam. I blocked each email but kept receiving new ones, with different email addresses, every so often. (Btw, friends encouraged me to click on the sex links from the IM's last week, and I did so reluctantly, just to find that all the links were bogus... made up.) Recently, I inadvertently changed my IM setting so that I would receive my IM messages via text whenever I was signed out on-line. About a week ago I awakened to a text in the middle of the night and thought it was a weather alert. Instead it was an IM text which showed up as letters/jibberish on my phone from my EX. I know this because I had received a few personal text messages via the internet a few years ago and I included the number in my contact list. I said are U ok... with no response. I checked my on-line IM account the next morning to see if I could garner any more information and saw that what showed up as jibberish on my cellphone was actually a sex link on my computer screen. Later in the day I got another weird IM text from my Ex with a fake name telling me, "Hi, I'm 24 (my ex is 40)... .  don't know where I got your user name from... you?" garbage. I about fell over... deeply saddened and in shock! I replied with the fact that I knew who it was, didn't want to be bothered, am now in a healthy, happy, relationship (with a true adult I might add, yeah), with no response. I know that my Ex has been involved with someone else for awhile, and have thought that perhaps the IM's served as a safety net/testing the waters for someone else (me) before breaking up with the new victim. I don't know the motive... maybe it's just harassment or sadistic amusement. I know that I shouldn't be giving this energy, but the realization that my Ex had been sick enough to send me fake emails with links to bogus porn sites has thrown me off kilter a bit. Extremely weird, even for my Ex! I am just trying to figure out why someone would behave this way. We had even been on good terms the last we spoke. ? Anyone ever have a similar experience or have any insight? Thanks!

[GreenMango]

BPD is an attachment disorder.  So when there's some kind of rejection or abandonment it can trigger really desperate behavior.

You texted that you knew who it was.  Your ex was looking for a response.  Any emotional response good or bad signals that this person still can affect you.  Ignoring this kind of stuff may help.  All those blocks can help.

So whats the plan forward?

[FogLight]

My ex contacts me through random numbers, uses fake names, texts me random messages written to look like they were for someone else, texts me asking if it's me but not identifying herself.  I know it is her because she has done this with me in the past, the writing style is completely her, and it is unlikely that a bunch of random people would suddenly have my number and decide to text that they miss me or something similar.  She does this because she wants my attention.  She does it from random disguised numbers because 1) I rejected her last time we spoke and 2) when I ignore her then she can pretend I didn't know it was her and she doesn't have to feel as ignored/rejected.  But your situation is different, you supposedly parted on good terms, so there really shouldn't be any reason for her to be sneaky about it when she wants your attention.  I'm clueless.

The only conclusion I could possibly come to in your situation is that her behavior (if it is definitely her) is very weird, don't worry about it.  Forget about it, block her, and carry on with your new relationship.

[blindfool]

Thank you for your posts. Please let me clarify that we have had a tumultuous relationship in the past, even though the last time we corresponded we were friendly. Please help me to understand, is the fear of detachment causing this ongoing behavior from me, the more recent relationship, or just an ongoing general fear of abandonment? My Ex cheated on Me numerous time, though denied it, and rejected Me. I know they push away before you can push so to speak, but still. Also, I figured out who it was sending the messages just recently. My ex has been sending these for a year from behind a mask. Anyway, I do still care. I will always care, but I want to move on to a better place. My new relationship is SO much healthier, even if I act like a beaten dog sometimes. My plan is to block all IM's not on my contact list, ignore, ignore, ignore, and to try to let go of the notion that someone can be saved if you just love them enough. Thanks again!

[grad]

Thank you for your posts. Please let me clarify that we have had a tumultuous relationship in the past, even though the last time we corresponded we were friendly. Please help me to understand, is the fear of detachment causing this ongoing behavior from me, the more recent relationship, or just an ongoing general fear of abandonment? My Ex cheated on Me numerous time, though denied it, and rejected Me. I know they push away before you can push so to speak, but still. Also, I figured out who it was sending the messages just recently. My ex has been sending these for a year from behind a mask. Anyway, I do still care. I will always care, but I want to move on to a better place. My new relationship is SO much healthier, even if I act like a beaten dog sometimes. My plan is to block all IM's not on my contact list, ignore, ignore, ignore, and to try to let go of the notion that someone can be saved if you just love them enough. Thanks again!

there's a few BPD on another forum dedicated to those with the disorder where they give you their opinions.  it's very insightful to say the least.  not sure if i can post it here but search psychforums on google

[blindfool]

Thank you. I will definitely check out the link. And also foglight, hadn't considered what you said about the anonymity and rejection before, "when I ignore her then she can pretend I didn't know it was her and she doesn't have to feel as ignored/rejected." Brilliant insight!  Sorry you are having to deal with this too.

[GreenMango]

My experience was that inappropriate behavior wasn't uncommon.  Anytime there was stress there would be strange behavior and totally inappropriate.  Not always malicious but impulsive and with little thought to consequences it understanding as Ro how others might find it.

[blindfool]

Oooh... .  so Stress of any kind serves as  the trigger to the onset of the irrational, impulsive behavior. Not just abandonment in and of itself. I think I finally get it. Thank you so much!

[syz]

I'm not sure what IM you are using but many have a feature where you can only receive IM's from people in your email contact list.  I'd look into that.  I was getting spammed in yahoo messenger which I never log into or use anymore since FB and skype and facetime but I think you can do this... .  

[jaird]

My ex made at least three fake profiles on FB for younger women. The idea was to try and trick me to see what I did. I friended the first one because I knew it was strange, a woman with 20 friends and one of her friends had the same profile picture. The first thing I did was tell my ex that I had found a fake profile on FB.

The second one was a Hooter's waitress. Again, she copied someone else's pics. This attempt was more sophisticated, and she actually friended other Hooter's restaurants and waitresses and fans of Hooter's across the country. Again I friended because in those days I was into building a large account and friended many random people.

The third profile was very, very elaborate. She ran it for about five or six weeks, complete with weather reports as status updates from my part of the country and a fake boyfriend that she often referred to.  When I saw the name and profile picture, I felt very strongly that it was her. I confronted her about this fake profile, and she denied it for days. That eventually led to an argument since I could see how she was kind of stalking me by friending my friends. She finally admitted it.

In none of these case did I say or do anything inappropriate with any of these "women". But that never convinced my ex that I was doing the right thing by her. The mere act of requesting their friendship was a sign to her that I was up to no good.

[blindfool]

Wow! Thanks for the insight and for making me realize that this behavior is more common than what I had originally thought. I have a better insight into the BPD dynamics, but I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to totally comprehend the breadth of the disorder. The destruction of one's innocence, the crippling of one's soul, is unconscionable, whether as the BPD child who's life is altered forever, or the person the BPD preys upon. It is just so very sad... .  Make ya heartsick.

[doubleAries]

Just guessing in the dark, but it does occur to me that people who have serious abandonment/rejection issues obviously can't reach out in a straightforward manner.

Perhaps her current flame is no longer interesting to her. Maybe she wants you to offer to help solve this "puzzling mystery" together with her.

Years ago, I lived with a guy with strong NPD. Sometimes he would get panicky about abandonment too. He cheated on me every opportunity he got, and would justify it by projection. Example: one time I saw him furtively writing something on a small piece of blue paper. When he saw me coming, he too-casually slipped it into his pocket. Next day, he too-casually opens my sock drawer and suddenly whirls around and says "WHAT'S THIS?" and it's that same blue piece of paper I saw him writing on the day before. Not only did I recognize the piece of paper, but how could he have "read it" in the split second he had opened the drawer? Anyway, on the paper it had a phone number and says "sure had fun the other night--CALL ME AGAIN! Love, Jeff". Later I called the number and it was a disconnected number. He never would admit this was some sort of weird set-up.

PUH-LEEZE.

I don't know what he was trying to do. Maybe fight, maybe wanting reassurance and afraid to ask for it, I don't know. It was pretty weird though.

[alwaysloving]

My BPDgf is doing this now first time after 7 months I got a text last night... First of all the clue was how she spelled my name oh she does it that way... And the way she said don't act like you don't know who this is... .I waited till she was sleeper and blocked my number and let it go to voicemail and sure enough it was her... So I told her about it and she was like what are you talking about... So I call the number again this afternoon again blocking the number this time she picked up but changed how her voice sounds I had the phone on mute and she just hung up... Then about 3 min later I get a text from her normal number asking what Iam I doing and I came come to meet up with her now... Not sure why she's doing this not like we left off on any bad notes... I just played it off

[hope2727]

Wow Thanks for writing this. I suddenly started get hundreds of emails a day with links to sex sites. It was so weird. I would wake up to over 200 in my junk mail every morning. This has gone on for over a year. Then suddenly about 2 days ago it just stopped. So strange. I have never thought to click the link and see if they were fake. I just delete them. I am so sorry you are experiencing this. It is a sad and distressing disorder for every one involved. I hope you and your ex can find some peace.

[shatra]

blindfool wrote

my Ex has been involved with someone else for awhile, and have thought that perhaps the IM's served as a safety net/testing the waters for someone else (me) before breaking up with the new victim

------Do u mean that before breaking up with the new person your ex wants to have you as a safety net, so your ex doesn't just break up with that person and have noone?

----By process of elimination, who else could it be other than your ex? noone