Exhausted by it

[honeybadger]

I am just exhausted by all this. Things had been going really well, esp since BF had to deaL w/ a major health issue and some surgeries. Burps but ok all in all.

Last nite was my birthday. During our dinner out, I knew right away he was off the reservation--in a funk but manic. He had 2 cocktails--never a good thing for him--removes all his emotional filters. Then he re-neged on a promise he had made to me that was very imp't to me.  I called him out on it bc I thought it was not fair--my mistake. I should have just ignored it seeing his mood and in time, he probably would have come around on his own. But it was my bday!

I mentioned that I thought the re-neg was unfair to me, that I was disappointed and hurt, but we should talk about it another time. He dropped me off. Then texted me an hour later to say "I'm sorry your so mad at me. I had presents in the car but u were too mad at me for me to give them to you." He's 56. I wasn't mad. I was hurt and upset that he reneged without any consideration for my feelings.

I didn't answer the text bc again, I wanted to wait to talk until we weren't triggered. We had an upcoming vaca planned in a few weeks so then he texted an hour after my not answering to say he should cancel. (Raising the ante) My mistake: I took the bait. We got into a text volley. Then he said he was through with me. I said fine. No vacations. No me. Fine. I just don't care at this point. I have been there for him through his surgeries, hospitalizations, drama, etc. And now bc I call him out on breaking a promise, he breaks up with me. He makes me out to be the bad one.

In re-reading the texts, I don't think I said anything awful but I did say he was "acting like a teenager" in just suggesting we should cancel our trip. But he was. I am exhausted. I am tired of always having to be the adult, the patient one, the mature one. He sees no middle ground. I am an angel or the devil.

Help?

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[TigerEye]

Hey honeybadger

Happy Birthday for yesterday!

Sounds like you're having a tough time of it right now, this is a very testing disorder to deal with and it can take a lot out of us, what are you doing to take care of yourself, to get your energy back?

Can you expand a little on the re-neged promise, was it an issue regarding your values/boundaries, his behavior?

[AnitaL]

I'm not sure how helpful I can be, but I do sympathize with your feeling like you deserve a break on your bday.  I seem to be unable to avoid getting upset on my bday every year, even knowing that my H can't bring himself to give me the positive attention I would love to have.  It's a work in progress.

It has to be okay for you to get upset once in awhile too -- you are human, and it seems you had good reason to feel disappointed.  I don't think there is anything you can do to change his reaction to what happened, but you can try not to beat yourself up for it.  I'd suggest doing something nice to treat yourself.

[honeybadger]

Thanks, guys! Expanding on the re-neged promise: This is a very first-world problem but still…We are (were) going on vacation in 2 wks. to a US place of his choice, not my fave, but he is an artist and does work there. I was happy to support him, spend my hard-earned money and vaca-time and go.

He had also suggested a few times that in 2 months, we book a trip to our favorite locale in the Caribbean for a week, which we both love. It was his idea. It was something he said he never would have done before he met me. But he adored the water, the relaxation and sports. He talks about it all the time. We've been there twice and it's like "our" place. (was) I was very excited about this trip.

I stupidly brought it up last night when I knew he was “off.” And in his very manic state (he is obsessed about accomplishing certain things artistically and achieving a fitness goal), he just tossed it all aside and said he can’t afford to do both now. That he has to save his money for his artistic endeavor instead, will travel to same US location in fall again, and that I won’t be able to come bc he will be away for 3 weeks and I have to work. (Can you say: You are not welcome?)

It’s almost like he has something in his head that he has not NOT be so involved in the relationship in order to achieve his goals which is not true. My actions and words have proven that I support his endeavors.

He has a very good job and can afford to do both. It was his idea. It’s a good deal. We’ve done it before and he loved it and talks about it all the time. Bottom line is it’s not about the vacation. He is obviously feeling trapped or cornered. He does this periodically--pushes me away with his actions. Very indirectly. Says manipulative things. Starts splitting.

But I have my own issues with abandonment and broken promises.   So I called him out on it. I told him I didn’t think it was fair, one that we only go where he wants, and two, that he suggest something and then re-neg.

He has done this to so many people. He abandoned his first wife at the altar, twice (And yet she still married him). His best friend arranged a surprise birthday party for him, inviting people/family from all over, in some cases many states away, and he cancelled.

He’s gotten better. But he is triggered by his health issue which is serious but surmountable. Last night came out of nowhere. I was blind-sided.

I am just exhausted by it all. The drama. He has elevated what could have been a simple conversation and negotiation into 2 trip cancellations and a break up. His pattern is that he will contact me again—will probably blame me, though sometimes he really does admit when he is wrong and apologize.  Any advice or insights?

[123Phoebe]

He has done this to so many people. He abandoned his first wife at the altar, twice (And yet she still married him). His best friend arranged a surprise birthday party for him, inviting people/family from all over, in some cases many states away, and he cancelled.

He has elevated what could have been a simple conversation and negotiation into 2 trip cancellations and a break up.

Last nite was my birthday.

Any advice or insights?

Hi honeybadger

Hope you're feeling okay and doing some things that speak to who you are

Sounds like your guy is known for putting the kabash to special moments.  It's not you or even about you, it's what he does.  Hurts and seems unfathomable, the lack of understanding or feelings toward other people's wishes/desires that he and many others like him seem to share.

The sad thing is, he's sabotaging himself for some reason, unknown to him.  It's up to him to figure it out if he so chooses.  Mentally healthy and aware people do not push away such love and support. 

Could you book a trip for yourself somewhere during that time, or do something that will bring you joy without involving him?

Do you have any ideas about how you'll respond to his next contact?

[honeybadger]

  123 Phoebe and thank you so much!

I'm feeling okay--coming down off of feeling totally blindsided-still exhausted. Thanks for caring.  I hung out tonight with some friends-- fun and light--and although I have a cold, have planned to just do nice things for myself tomorrow depending on how I am feeling.

I hear you about the sabotage. I've sensed that. He even said to me a few weeks ago, "You will eventually get sick of me and leave." I probed him about it last night and he said "It's what has always happened to me; it's human nature." I said that made me sad. He just shrugged. More like he put it into action so he could control it. He feels out of control now, I'm sure, with his tenuous health situation. Plus I just got a great, new job and I'm sure he feels a bit insecure about it (though he has no reason to). And his son is graduating college and may be leaving the house. Who knows? It's a lot for him to process but he is acting out, for sure.

I plan on holding onto the tickets a few more days, then if I don't hear from him, I am going somewhere I want to go solo and I am not telling him anything; why should I? I have no problem traveling alone. I've done it before a million times.

Interesting, my quotes that you patchworked together for me. Thank you for that--very telling.

His next contact? If I do hear from him, depends on the vibe I get. If there is one iota of tension, I will just tell him the truth--that I care deeply about him but would rather not talk to him until neither of us is triggered. Right now, not talking and having this space feels very good to me. The fact that he was so mean, intentionally or not, and wanted to break up with me and I abided by his decision and boundary feels good. Because he so clearly put all this in action. One thing I will NOT do in the event he contacts me is to take the bait. I will remain level headed.

Why do you think he sabotages events? I realized tonight this sort of thing often happens during holidays or special occassions. He's had blow ups with his son at Xmas, with me on New Year's Eve (which he blamed on me), Thanksgiving is hard bc it is when his mom committed suicide. (Horrible thing for him to have to live with. I cannot even fathom. It still haunts him.)

Thank you again. You are helping me more than you know. 

[Rockylove]

Why do you think he sabotages events? I realized tonight this sort of thing often happens during holidays or special occassions. He's had blow ups with his son at Xmas, with me on New Year's Eve (which he blamed on me), Thanksgiving is hard bc it is when his mom committed suicide. (Horrible thing for him to have to live with. I cannot even fathom. It still haunts him.)

wow!  sounds like special occasions put him under too much stress to enjoy them!  I am a non and I don't like holidays because my family puts too much emphasis on making everything perfect~~they can't just relax and have a good time.  I've decided NOT to participate any more and I feel really good about it, too.  Many people experience stress during events~~BPD just makes the feelings more intense.  His defense is offense. 

I hope that you get the chance to take the vacation you were looking forward to... .  with or without him.

[honeybadger]

Thanks Rockylove. I hear you on special occasions. Don't like them either, but was looking forward to a nice b'day.

I am planning on changing the tickets tomorrow to some place I want to go. I need to make this awful experience nice and reclaim part of myself.

[benny2]

Yes I do think there is something about special occasions. Mine either breaks up with me during them, or says he forgot my birthday. He choses to spend christmas alone and then feels sorry for himself. I can't wait until next month when he turns 50. I am expecting some odd behavior. Its awful not being able to express your feelings about things, escpecially when your feelings are hurt. Mine would break up with me over minor things that could have been talked through. I guess its just their unability to rationize. They jump from point A to point Z immediately. No middle ground.

[honeybadger]

Benny, I am sorry! And I know how you feel. But at least you are anticipating things so that is smart to be prepared. Same with mine about Xmas, etc. My uBPDbf's mom killed herself over Thanksgiving, so I get why that holiday is hard. But it's no picnic for us, right?

Why do we stay?

There are plenty of good times for me--much more than bad--bu the bad times are SO, SO BAD. That's the difference between this relationship and other ones I've had.