Four weeks no and NC

[confusedandscared]

Well it has been just over 4 weeks now since I broke off all communication and went NC. After 4 years of the push and pull, verbal abuse, general devaluation I am left with literally nothing, she robbed me of all and everything.

It has been a struggle putting the pieces back together, looking back and not hating myself for staying with her after everything she ever said or done to me or my daughter. Now, she never said anything or did anything directly to my daughter, she said things to me and manipulated situations like my custody schedule where when I had to go get my daughter she would rage out because my ex was taking time away form her and her own daughter. I knew back then this was not rational, any person, being a mother herself you would think she would understand, would be happy that a father got to spend time with his child, that was never the case, it was jealousy.

I am now on antidepressants, sleeping pills and anti anxiety medication to help me, I hate the fact that one person could hate me so much and devalue me in such a way that now I am the one suffering through lack of sleep, not eating and constantly thinking over and over things.

I can't make sense of anything she ever did, maybe I am not meant to? I just don't know. I think about the good times, but mostly I sit and beat myself up for staying with someone who treated me so badly for the past 4 years, someone that once told me she wanted to marry me and then to turn around the next day and tell me they hated me for something like me saying I had a busy day. One of the last conversations I had with her (over text message) was to the effect that I was a piece of ___ and would never amount to anything. Now she is interfering in my personal life by contacting my friends on social networks and generally trying to deface me in any way she can. She has already ruined the vast majority of my life by turning me into someone who just doesn't see an ability to love or cherish anything.

I used to be a hopeless romantic, I said I believed in true love, in marriage, the love could indeed conquer all, now I am just so guarded and jaded I don't even recognize myself anymore. I am trying to stay so strong for my child, and that is hard when all you want to do is crumble away.

My therapist has been saying you are not to blame for her being the way she is, or how she treated you, and in some way I believe her, in other ways I completely blame myself. I know I have a long way to go to find a peace, some form of acceptance in this is her and isn't me. It's just hard to look back at 4 years of your life that you wasted on someone who seems to be completely incapable of anything other than anger and rage towards the smallest little thing, like throwing me out of her house one night because I left a dish in the oven. All the irrationality of it all still puts my head in a spin from time to time.

Thank God for this forum, my friends and family don't understand the emotional fall out from being in a relationship with someone who you constantly have to watch and preview everything you say or do, someone that you hide things from because of a rage that is so uncontrollable that you have no clue what is next form them.

Thank you for letting me vent with my confusion, fear and just general not understanding this person I loved for so long without any conditions.

[mango_flower]

This nearly had me in tears... .  

I TOTALLY understand the pain, the confusion, the belief that love could conquer all... .  this truly changes you as a person and shakes your belief in everything you thought was true.

It makes you see the world in a different place, and it can be dark and scary at times.

But there will be sunshine ahead - maybe just not yet.

You can do this - one day at a time. 

We are here for you x

[confusedandscared]

Mango_flower, thank you for your reply.

Everything changes afterwards, life seems, well a big confusing mess. What you thought was up is now down. I second guess myself all the time now, wonder when the next attack will be, constantly left wondering if anything I believed in was real or true.

You are left feeling emotionally numb, heck, even music bores me now, I just can't listen to anything without some form of numbness coming in a ruining it for me. The only music I can listen to now without any form of thought of her is metal, only because she didn't like it, but nearly everything else artist wise we discovered together and now I feel I am robbed of the most simple of pleasures.

When I sit alone and think about how much pleasure she is getting from my suffering it just throws me into a spiral of confusion, pain, every negative emotion and thought comes into my being as I simply do not know how anyone could do the things she has done to me.

This is unlike any normal breakup I have ever experienced, and yes her and I have broken up countless times in the past and always got back together, this time I was the one who had enough, before I went NC I had about three weeks of just constant put downs and abuse, every single day, everything and anything I said to her was an issue, it pushed me over the edge into a severe depression and anxiety, I dreaded every time my phone would go off from a text from her as I had no idea what it was going to be. I was like playing Russian roulette every single time my phone went off. Much like putting a loaded shotgun at your face and pulling the trigger the words from her would be rapid fire, the words and meaning stick to you and not matter how hard you scrub they won't come off because in her knowing all my triggers she used everything against me.

Now it is like being left with a gaping would that won't heal, no matter how hard I try to let it all go it still haunts me. I was doing soft of ok until she started the whole contacting my friend on a social network and then driving I saw her car on the freeway, I went into full blown panic mode.

I know everything will be clearer in time, its just the dark time after that is just so engrossing and consuming. I'm trying really hard not to loose myself in all of it, it is hard, and with places like this forum and everyone on here I know it will get easier.

Thank you.

[healingmyheart]

confused and scared,

I really related to everything you said... .  I'm close to 4 weeks now since  my ex has been out of the house.  We have had NC to LC.  It's all very painful either way.  I'm taking sleeping pills (sadly, I still can't sleep) and antidepressants and I still have little desire to eat.  I've lost about 10 lbs and really can't afford to lose much more.  

I also have a daughter (teenager) who in my case was subjected to the verbal abuse.  That was the wake up call and made me say, ENOUGH!  He had raged at me, verbal abusive, manipulative, controlling, jealous... .  all towards me but when he started directing his anger at my daughter I had to put a stop to it.  Yes, I have lots of guilt as to why I allowed it to go on as long as I did too.  

My relationship was two years.  There was so much good especially in the beginning but I got devalued over a lie that my ex got caught up in and one lie turned into more lies which ultimately lead him to have 3 emotional affairs while he was sabotaging our relationship.  

Like you, we have no choice but to be strong for our daughters.  We will get through this but its going to take awhile and its going to continue to be painful.  I was married for 26 years prior to a wonderful man who loved me with everything he had.  Sadly, he passed away 3 years ago.  I do believe in love and have faith that there are healthy men out there but I know it will be awhile before I can even consider going on a date.  I have to heal and find myself again.  I lost myself as I'm sure you feel you have as well.  

I believe a lot of us stay (well, maybe I should just speak for myself here)... .  I stayed because in the beginning I felt so incredibly wonderful in the honeymoon phase and when a red flag would go off (raging for example), I would dismiss it as him having a bad day.  Plus, there was so much good that I kept reminding myself that the good outweighed the bad... .  which of course, in the end you realize the bad is so bad that it actually dismisses all the good.  

I think we have to be kind to ourselves.  We have to understand that we were in a very emotionally dynamic relationship which was hard to decipher all at once. The important thing is that we have removed ourselves from the toxic situation, we are getting help and hey, just doing the best we can.  

I totally get your confusion, fear and total lack of understanding... .  I think we all do.  I'm glad you posted because it helped me to see that I'm not alone... .  we both are at the same place and doing about the same mentally so that must mean we are healing at a normal pace.  We will get through this!

[confusedandscared]

stolemysoul, I totally understand the not eating and not sleeping, actually last night was my first full nights sleep in a few months, I don't know how long that will last, I am hoping that it lasts. The not eating thing is serious for me too, I have lost about 20lbs over the last couple of months, everything is just not interesting anymore. I used to love cooking and now it's just all very bla, too much of a hassle really to make stuff for one and its just not enjoyable.

I have often wondered why the partners take things out on children, why should such an innocent being be dragged into the crazy? I am an adult and I chose to stay with you for whatever reason but my child did not so please don't do it. But they do, its unforgivable, but yet somehow we can forgive them, why I do not know. You stayed for the same reasons why I did, she was intoxicating, she knew me like the back of her hand, everything and anything, she was everything to me and I forgave a lot of things because of that, because of the unconditional love I gave her. Needless to say I never got that back, the conditions could not let me breath let alone do anything right.

I helps me too knowing I am not alone too, that someone understands this void, pain and a lot of the times misery. I hope we are both healing at the right pace, all I know is that for the next while I am avoiding everything and anything that she may be at, just in case I see her and it sets me back, which I know it will.