counselling?

[colonel]

Haven't been on here in a long time. Back again and needing support. Something has finally snapped in me and I can't even bring myself to try to have contact with my BPD mum. There's just too much pain, water under the bridge as they say. Everything about trying, every bit of contact at the moment comes with this sadness and resentment for never being heard. I distanced myself, mum chased. Finally spoke to her today and told her that it hurts me to talk to her right now. The suggestion was made that we get counselling to work it out. There's a lot of stuff that I feel I've been unheard and silenced with. I'm not talking mud slinging games, I just want to be heard about the bigger things, like how I feel unworthy and unlovable around mum. I'm not even sure it will make a difference. And I'm scared that it will just be a place for mum to martyr herself out and be the victim. So I guess, I want to know if counselling with a borderline parent ever works? On one level I want to be heard and have that chance, on the other, I'm scared it will just be a stage for my mother to act upon and I'll walk away more hurt than ever. What are your experiences? Is it worth it?

[P.F.Change]

  Hey, colonel, good to see you!

I have not yet heard examples where family therapy has been helpful unless the pwBPD has already sought individual treatment for some time first. (But there's a first time for everything!)

In my case I turned down my enDad's suggestion for family T primarily because I knew it wouldn't be productive. I don't trust either of my parents and was not about to go getting all vulnerable in their presence. I figured my parents would have on their Poor Us, Look What an Angry and Unreasonable Daughter We Have attitude and accept no responsibility. I was sick of being blamed for every problem in their family. I did not want to do any more work on the relationship, because I had already been doing all the work, and they showed me time and time again that they were unwilling to hear anything other than how sorry I was or how wonderful they are.

I did say they could get their own T and wished them the best with it. I decided it would be better for me to wait and see if they had any willingness to work on their own issues and stick with it before making any decisions about trying to work through anything together.

It is ok to try it if you think it could help; it is ok to say no way!; and you also have the option to say, "Not now, I need a break." Totally up to you. Nothing says you have to do it now or that you can't do it later. What do you feel YOU need right now?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[colonel]

 

I don't know what it is I want right now. I've been thinking about the whole thing and the conversation around it and I have to admit flags went up, it felt a little like mum was excited at the possibility and almost like she was starting to scheme. But then I could just be paranoid about that as well. Not exactly sure how to even that explain that weird though I had about it!  I felt sort of relieved after she said she wanted to do it. I think maybe that's just me wanting her to admit, or at least seem to recognise there's a problem. Whether she actually wants to do something productive about it I can't tell. Like you discussed being vulnerable in her presence is a scary thought and also the possibility that it's a chance for her to say how awful I am and what a victim she is. I've been struggling around having NC and feeling guilty about it and I think maybe that's why the idea of counselling appeals to me. Because then I'd be taking an acceptable action and making the effort to work at it, rather than just giving up, walking away and being cruel and bad - all those old messages. As I'm typing this, maybe the stuff I need to work on is more about feeling okay to have the level of contact that I feel comfortable with and being okay with the guilt and grief that comes with that. Just not overly sure where to start with that either! I've just started a new job and moved as well and I'm trying to settle in, from what you've said and what I was already mulling over, perhaps now isn't the best time anyway. Nor is it the best time for me to snap and find it all too much to have anything to do with her and deal with those emotions. This totally could have happened at a more appropriate time .  Thanks for your thoughts, I'll keep thinking about it.

[Marcia]

I have to admit, when I put myself in your shoes I feel a sense of dread and a little bit of panic. BPD parents have not engendered a sense of trust in their family members, and the thought of being vulnerable with them is a red flag for more potential hurt, in my opinion. My own mom never was willing to go to therapy, my Dad went for years or depression and alcoholism really brought about by her abuse of him.

I sort of like the idea of suggesting to them that they undergo some T first, see if they are willing and able to go for a while. Then, if you do decide to join them, I would definitely meet with the T on your own to express your fears.

Good luck with your new job and relocation. Those two challenges sound exciting and should be your priority right now. And, don't forget, caring and supportive family members should get that you need to focus on your own priorities

right now

[colonel]

Thanks

[Clearmind]

As I'm typing this, maybe the stuff I need to work on is more about feeling okay to have the level of contact that I feel comfortable with and being okay with the guilt and grief that comes with that. Just not overly sure where to start with that either!

Bingo!

We are accustomed to putting our parents first - for me - it was required of me to minimise fall out. I walked on eggshells and well into my adulthood I continued to aim to please.

Colonel - guilt is the product of you feeling you are going against your moral standard - you must always be available for your mum. That moral standard was instilled in you as a child.

Beginning to find ways to step aside and relinquish all these requirements that were imposed on us as kids will certainly provide you with more personal power and confidence to do what you think is the right thing - guilt-free. How nice does that sound?

We are adults, 5'7" odd carrying around our childhood prescriptions, emotional responses of our childhood.

When we find ourselves ruminating about, dig deep, find that place in you where you still hold that belief - self-talk will help you to process where it is coming from - I can assure you that faulty belief no longer has a place in your adult life.

What do you want for you?