Really bad day

[Mandii]

Hi everyone

I have had a really bad day with my daughter. I feel like we move one step forward and two steps back, and never actually progress. I have a grandson that has been taken from his parents due to abuse. He is only 2 and his other grandmother and I share custody of him. I have him three days a week and my daughter lives with me, so she gets to be with him in that time.

This morning, she went into a rage. One of those screaming, violent rages. I had to leave the house with the baby and I had nowhere to go. I drove around for a while basically, waiting for time enough to pass so I could come back home.

I just feel so alone and like my life isn't my own at all.

My daughter was attending therapy regularly and seemed to be doing really well. This is the first major episode like this we have had in a long time. And it is all over a boy of course. The previous times this has happened, a suicide attempt has followed close behind it. Obviously that is very upsetting, but my main concern is that I have my grandson with me for the next week and a bit - if she does something like that while I am at work and the baby is at daycare, imagine coming home to something like that with the baby!

So I am beside myself with fear and pain at the moment. I have to put my grandson first because he can't protect himself. But this is my daughter, I can't just push her aside.

Sorry to rant... .  I just don't know where to go from here.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[griz]

Mandii:  It seems like that is the course with BPD, one step forward and two steps back.  Something triggers them in this case a boy and it sends them out of control.  Hopefully this will pass and once she is calm you can talk to her about what is going on in her life.  I know when my daughter is in a bad way it is the worse time to try to talk to her or make sense.  Yes, you need to protect your gs but I understand that she is your daughter and and you can't just push her aside.  Is it possible that the other gm could take your gs for a extended period so that you could just concentrate on your daughter.  It is very hard for all of us to have our own lives because so much of our lives revolve around our BPD children. I always joke to my dh and say if there is ever more than a day without some kind of drama or worry I will need to check my pulse because I must be dead.

I hope things are better today with your daughter.  Keep us posted.

Griz

[jellibeans]

Mandi

if you are truly worried about your daughters safety you ned to get her some help... .  is she seeing a therapist? Can you get her in right away? Have you taken away everything sharp and locked away the meds? I would tell her that you are considering taking her to the hospital because you are concerned about her.

I know how disappointing it can be when things go bad when they have gone so well... .  there will always be days like that... .  I think grid had a good suggestion about seeing if you can get gm to take extra days... .  

could your dd be jealous of the baby? My dd likes the attention on her... .  she might feel unloved with this little one in the house... .  take care... .  hope you have a calm day... .  

[vivekananda]

Mandii, you are worried of course, scared for your gs... .  and your gd.

worry can be a good thing if it sets us on track to fix the situation for ourselves, but it can also be such a negative wasted emotion when all we do is worry and allow it to put us off course.

Can I suggest that you review the work on boundaries. Values based boundaries are our first tool in our tool kit. So helpful when we do it right and so hard to be consistent. Here is a link to an article on boundaries:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?PHPSESSID=c98b15c2136c06bab601147ffdf6d3e1&topic=61684.0;all

If you have already read it, it won't hurt to have another look.

A lovely person on this site told me a story of a village in Germany who every year celebrate a saint's day with a walk from the church to the town hall or something like that. Everyone in the village meets at the church and the procession begins, two steps forward, one step back - they say some special words as they do it (can't recall them). To those in the procession it seems they are going nowhere. The sick and elderly (and Tourists) meanwhile sit on a hill to watch the procession. What they see is a slow moving group inevitably if slowly, making their way forward. Now what I wrote is not the beautiful story that was told to me, but a blunt uninspiring story. However, Mandii, if you can use your imagination you can see it. It seems like we are going nowhere, even going backwards. But once we begin our journey, our procession, we are going slowly forward.

You are here with us Mandii and we are going forward, together.

Vivek    

[jellibeans]

vive... .  here is the story

There is a story of a small German village with two churches on the two ends of the town. Each year on the feast of Corpus Christi, the people gather at one church to make a journey to the other.

They begin early in the morning and they take the whole day to make a journey of only two miles or so. Why does the journey take so long you might ask? Because for every three steps forward, they take two steps back. There is a method to their madness. For they know that in the Dance of Christian Life there are moments of great joy and much peace and happiness, but they recognize that there are also moments which that us back a few steps and sometimes we lose our way. Some days we feel as though we've taken ten steps forward and other days we feel as if we've backtracked so far that we may never find our way out again. That's life isn't it? We have to remember that we must work on moving forward and not give up when we've fallen behind.

As the people walk they say the great words of St. Paul in his letter to the Corinthians--"Faith, Hope and Love." And with the two steps back they say, "Pain and Suffering." We must acknowledge that along with faith, hope and love; life also brings us pain and suffering. To ignore the fact or live in a fantasy land that looks at the world from rose-colored glasses, sets us up for failure. I know that this journey will bring me much joy and hopefully a deepened sense of my own vocation, but I have to know that I will face difficulties as well.

Those who are too old or too young or infirm to make the journey go up on the hillside above the village to eat lunch and watch the procession. What they have discovered, is that from a distance the procession never seems to move backward. The pilgrimage down below appears to be constantly moving forward. From a distance all of our failures and set backs appear to be smaller than they are. We must take the long view. We must work on getting some perspective in our lives, so that we never allow ourselves to get caught up in the failures and fail to see the forest for the trees.

[qcarolr]

So I am beside myself with fear and pain at the moment. I have to put my grandson first because he can't protect himself. But this is my daughter, I can't just push her aside.

Sorry to rant... .  I just don't know where to go from here.

Mankii  -- oh how my heart goes out to you. You just rant away as much as you need. We understand your fear and pain. Let us know how we can support you.

This is such a difficult journey when we get torn between these two lives that we care so very deeply about. You could be telling my story. My BPDDD is now 26, my gd is 7 and has lived with my dh and I her whole life. We gained legal custody of her at age 18 mos though became primary caregivers when she was 8 mos. old. The daddy went to jail, DD decided it was her turn to party. She was 19. Looking back, I can see she was in an unimaginable amount of pain and numbing it with drugs and alcohol - so naive and in denial we were then before the BPD dx - when our gson came along. He is now adopted and doing well at age 5 - different daddy situation. Long story. DD has been in and out of our home over the past 7 years, and is somewhat a transient now. She is gone with her homeless friends (she was homeless for a couple years - another story) at least 2-3 nights a week. DH is here in so many ways - need to remember to be grateful for him.

This grandma/mom journey will always be a bumpy one, esp. when our bpD's are not willing to do the work in therapy to make their own lives better. But it can get better for us as we find ways to value and protect ourselves - in all ways emotional, physical, spiritual, mental. And to learn new ways to communicate with our BPDD's - validation. And to find how to grieve our loss of this grown child we had dreams for and move to Radically Accept the things we cannot change and still be willing to love our kids. It is asking a lot of any mom/grandma.  Vivek  gave you the boundary link - it is a good place to start.

Do you have a safety plan for your gs? A neighbor or friend that is close by where you can go next time you have to leave the house? This has saved my gd and I. She is old enough to walk there herself now. If I know DD is going to be angry when she gets home - after I have said "NO" about something - then I make arrangements ahead of time for gd to go. If no one is home, we go to the public library or a park. Somewhere fun for gd and peaceful for me.

I have learned it is best to walk away as quickly as possible when the rage begins - let things cool down. Then it takes a couple days before we can talk again. And sometimes longer than that. Dh has stepped up in past couple years to be a buffer - it is hard when he is at work. We have called the police to mediate - they are better trained than when DD was in high school. They can take her to ER for psych eval (never accomplishes anything long term, but does give cooling off time) or they can ask her to leave to cool off. If there are any threats of violence or property damage, this is when we call police. You might want to check with your local department about how they handle these kind of situations.

Please keep coming back -- we care. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers for guidance, courage and strength.

qcr  

[Mandii]

Thanks everyone I can't express how much I appreciate being able to come here and read your posts and learn. Being able to talk is a blessing too.

My daughter has been seeing a therapist, but she has been not going for a couple of months now. She has been to the hospital a few times after attempting suicide. We haven't had an episode like that since before Christmas. I don't keep much in the way of meds. Sharps are put away all the time.

I love the boundaries post. Really opens some things up for me, thankyou for showing me where this is... .  I had not seen it before so it is a really great place for me to check out.

The other gm has my gs already 4 days a week. She is away at the moment at a family funeral, so we have him for longer.

These episodes are always caused by boys. I call them boys, technically they are men, but I like to think men are more mature for the most part LOL. I honestly believe that if she stayed away from them for 12 months (or longer preferably) she would grow in leaps and bounds towards more health, but that is not a choice she is making.

I have a friend that lives close who is an awesome support for me. I am very lucky to have  wonderful group of friends who care about me and support me when they can.

I am feeling a little better today. I think that I need to work on how I respond and think about how I can set boundaries.

A lot of work to do.

 thanks everyone, you all rock xxxx

[vivekananda]

Thanx jellibeans, that's such a good story. It meant a lot to me when I first heard it, it really struck a chord. I think I recall shedding a tear or two at the time 

Hey mandii, it's good you are feeling better today. With bit of luck and some hard work too, it will improve more and more. Two steps forward and one step back.

We have all had trouble with boundaries and all the other stuff we talk about, it's not easy. Feel free to come here and tell us all about it. It is through our dialogue that we all learn. 


Vivek    

[jellibeans]

I hesitated to put the story up because it is religious but I am not very religious and the story moved me a great deal... .  thanks for remembering it... .  I the last part about looking at our problems at a distance... .  if we could just step back for a a bit... .  put things into perspective ... .  

[vivekananda]

me too ... .  not religious 

but I understand the importance of religion here to so many and I have no problem in praying. I have a solid understanding of the major religions and enjoy learning about it all. No religion doesn't stop me from living a fulfilled and deeply spiritual life.

That story is so valuable, the message is so important.

cheers,

viv