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Author Topic: My ex is happier now she's with somebody else... ?  (Read 2067 times)
mango_flower
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« on: March 17, 2013, 07:05:06 AM »

Ok so I know in theory that I need to get to that place of indifference... .  

But in the meantime, how do I cope with knowing she is really happy with her new fiancee?

I have hidden her feed on facebook, but in a weak moment I do look, I'm not going to lie.  I have said many a time about my need to keep it "sweet" and our low contact seems to be going well, as we're now at the place where we send a text once a week or so just saying "Hey, how are ya?" and it's all very nice.  I'm supposed to be getting some of my money back in 5 weeks or so, when she gets paid, so I at least want to see if I will.  If I delete her off facebook, this will only antagonize her and make it nasty.

Also, we have a TON of mutual friends from our sports team. Most think we had a very amicable split and "it just didn't work out".  They try to be nice to me, so they'll say something like "Oh it must make you feel AWFUL that she's so happy now, and posting all over facebook about how her new girlfriend is taking her to see this/that/the other.  Are you ok mate?".  There is no malice, just concern for me.

But every time I hear it, it hurts.

It hurts that I made her so happy at the start too, but then I just didn't do enough, wasn't romantic enough.  But for the first 9 months, she was that happy with me!  I thought it was me who gave her that... .  I thought I was the only one who could do it (yes, I know, I know).  She was such a broken person when we met.  And I pulled her out of that rut (I'd like to say I helped her to pull herself out of it, but nope, it really was all me that did it) and she was happy... .  beaming... having fun.

I've said loads of times before that my biggest fear is that I was just inadequate beyond all measure, and her new fiancee is superwoman! (or at least, will indulge her behaviours way more than I did - I just ignored them towards the end, which left her deciding that I didn't love her anymore... .  )

I do want her to be happy, but just not quite as happy as I made her... .  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

This seems to be a sticking point for me.  With so many mutual friends, I am bound to hear about what she's up to, and I need to know how I can deal with this -

Not by running from it and deleting her on facebook, so I don't know.

But by truly coming to terms with the fact that somebody else is making her happy now - and that person is not me.  I failed, where she is succeeding (at the moment).

I also have this massive fear that my ex won't want to go through another breakdown (obviously!) and have to start her life afresh again, so she will make it work this time, try and hold her "crazy" in check... .  

How do I get out of this repetitive thought process? 

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fakename
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« Reply #1 on: March 17, 2013, 07:11:47 AM »

I was struggling through the same thing and even still my mind will trick itself into thinking she's finally actually happy and the new guy is just what she needs or even sometimes that the new guy doesn't deserve her. It's just chaos on our minds and we just need to stop dwelling on things. It's not our concern any more and I would tell myself whenever the thoughts pop in that I just don't really care any more. I know what I want and she doesn't offer it.

But also, the truth is, that she isn't happy and has never been happy in any of her relationships. Nothing is enough. It's as simple as that. Nothing else to it.
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mango_flower
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« Reply #2 on: March 17, 2013, 07:25:40 AM »

I like that idea - telling myself "I know what I want and she doesn't offer it".  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Good way of taking the focus off of her and back on to me... .  

Thing is, I DO know what I want - a solid, happy relationship with somebody I can trust, lean on, will be my best friend - and it working both ways.  I THOUGHT I had that, which is why it hurts so much.  Some people get exes with extreme BPD and it's glaringly obvious.  My ex managed to hide a lot of it - red flags such as past debt, but that didn't affect our relationship - she treated me like a princess. 

That makes it harder in some ways.

I know that long term I'd like to find somebody who can offer me all those good things unconditionally, and I would be giving them the same.  It's just that fear of "what if I DON'T find it?  And end up on my own forever?"

She'll be a hard act to follow- she really did play the role of perfect girlfriend... .  *sigh*
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jaird
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« Reply #3 on: March 17, 2013, 07:59:23 AM »

Two thoughts:

1. If she really is happy with the new guy, good for her. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be between you and her. And if she really has BPD, God bless him.

2. She may be idolizing him, they may be in that honeymoon stage. She may not have raged at him yet, or maybe has only done that once or twice. He probably does not know what he is in for, unless she changes her behavior.

My ex alternately goes from telling me how happy she is with a new casual relationship she has, to describing not much of a relationship at all really, and saying she will never do a "real" close relationship. Then we both go off on how much we love and miss each other and feel we may never get over it.

One thing I've come to realize about my ex-her thinking is not rational. I cannot understand her fears. I cannot understand why she tells little lies that serve no purpose. I cannot understand how she ignores facts and chooses instead to believe what she feels is true. It all makes no sense to me, and I realize now it probably never will.
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willy45
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« Reply #4 on: March 17, 2013, 11:02:28 AM »

Hey Mango_Flower,

Here's a good article... .  It is a bit harsh but it helped me. Just replace 'next guy' with 'next girl' and it might start to make some sense for you. We certainly struggle with the same thing... .  the 'was it me?' issue. I think the fact that so many people have had the same experience shows that there is a consistent pattern, one that is very destructive. After reading this, I felt a little bit grateful that I didn't marry her... .  maybe you will too?

www.wordpress.com/2012/03/08/crazy-btch-the-musical-the-abusive-womans-script-and-why-she-wont-be-different-with-the-next-guy/

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expos
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« Reply #5 on: March 17, 2013, 11:38:17 AM »

Your ex-will never be happy, no matter how much that other guy gives to her.  Fact.  There is no "satisfaction" with a person that suffers from BPD.  They will suffer through the same destructive pattern that ended your relationship.  Count on it.

If I was millionaire, and gave everything to me ex-wife, she would still find faults, and even become jealous of the other millionaire couples down the street.  Same problems on a bigger scale.  You can't win.

This is an illness that cannot be cured, only slightly pacified. 

Put it this way - the new person if her life doesn't have anything that you don't.  Don't put yourself down.  You may be smarter, more athletic, better looking, nicer, more successful, but these are traits that almost don't matter to a person with BPD.  Their relationships are all completely self-serving.  As harsh as this sounds, you were merely a vehicle for this girl, and this new guy is just her newest vehicle that she will eventually crash into a wall.  I'm willing to accept what I was to my ex, but I know that is on her... .  NOT ME!  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Please take solace in the fact that the next girl you are with will most likely not suffer from this horrible disease. 

Go NO CONTACT NOW.   

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clairedair
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« Reply #6 on: March 17, 2013, 12:12:44 PM »

But by truly coming to terms with the fact that somebody else is making her happy now - and that person is not me.  I failed, where she is succeeding (at the moment).

The key words in your quote are "at the moment" - it feels to you as if she's happy with new person but you are also expressing doubt (and it's justified) that this happiness/this new person will last. 

She'll be a hard act to follow- she really did play the role of perfect girlfriend... .  *sigh*



Do you want to be with someone who isn't being real?

I know that long term I'd like to find somebody who can offer me all those good things unconditionally, and I would be giving them the same.  It's just that fear of "what if I DON'T find it?  And end up on my own forever?"

Beware of looking for a partner who can love unconditionally and believing you can love unconditionally - nobody's perfect.  Beware also of the fear of ending up alone - recipe for the disaster of recycling or ending up in another unhealthy relationship.

take care

Claire
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crashintome
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« Reply #7 on: March 17, 2013, 01:08:14 PM »

I felt/feel that way, too.  But, when it really gets me down, I remember what she told me when they split and she popped back into my life... .  

She told me she wasn't really happy with her.  She was miserable and she felt controlled, unsatisfied sexually, and all around miserable.

I also remember the relationship she had with her other ex.  She told me a thousand times she was using her to get her bills paid.  The happiness was a facade to keep the ex placated so she wouldn't leave and take her bank account with her (my ex has an EXTREME spending problem).

So, when I catch glimpses of her with this new girl and hear from mutual friends how "happy" she is, I try to remind myself it's a front.  This new girl is giving her something or doing something that my ex feels the need to cling to and keep around.  If she acted miserable right off the bat, this girl would leave.  She needs to get her hooks in good and deep before she can reveal the true nature of her personality:  a bitter, angry, cruel little girl who can never be pleased enough.

Or, maybe that's just me trying to take the sting out of getting left.
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apple
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« Reply #8 on: March 17, 2013, 01:48:44 PM »

Ok so I know in theory that I need to get to that place of indifference... .  

But in the meantime, how do I cope with knowing she is really happy with her new fiancee?

I have hidden her feed on facebook, but in a weak moment I do look, I'm not going to lie.  I have said many a time about my need to keep it "sweet" and our low contact seems to be going well, as we're now at the place where we send a text once a week or so just saying "Hey, how are ya?" and it's all very nice.  I'm supposed to be getting some of my money back in 5 weeks or so, when she gets paid, so I at least want to see if I will.  If I delete her off facebook, this will only antagonize her and make it nasty.

Also, we have a TON of mutual friends from our sports team. Most think we had a very amicable split and "it just didn't work out".  They try to be nice to me, so they'll say something like "Oh it must make you feel AWFUL that she's so happy now, and posting all over facebook about how her new girlfriend is taking her to see this/that/the other.  Are you ok mate?".  There is no malice, just concern for me.

But every time I hear it, it hurts.

It hurts that I made her so happy at the start too, but then I just didn't do enough, wasn't romantic enough.  But for the first 9 months, she was that happy with me!  I thought it was me who gave her that... .  I thought I was the only one who could do it (yes, I know, I know).  She was such a broken person when we met.  And I pulled her out of that rut (I'd like to say I helped her to pull herself out of it, but nope, it really was all me that did it) and she was happy... .  beaming... having fun.

I've said loads of times before that my biggest fear is that I was just inadequate beyond all measure, and her new fiancee is superwoman! (or at least, will indulge her behaviours way more than I did - I just ignored them towards the end, which left her deciding that I didn't love her anymore... .  )

I do want her to be happy, but just not quite as happy as I made her... .  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

This seems to be a sticking point for me.  With so many mutual friends, I am bound to hear about what she's up to, and I need to know how I can deal with this -

Not by running from it and deleting her on facebook, so I don't know.

But by truly coming to terms with the fact that somebody else is making her happy now - and that person is not me.  I failed, where she is succeeding (at the moment).

I also have this massive fear that my ex won't want to go through another breakdown (obviously!) and have to start her life afresh again, so she will make it work this time, try and hold her "crazy" in check... .  

How do I get out of this repetitive thought process? 

Hi Mango, You have to realize that they're never truly happy and it is all a facade. They are not happy with themselves! and other people do not make us happy as individuals. They are always chasing that "perfect love" which will never be found because it is a fantasy. They're unable to have a real connection with anyone as they just mirror one person to the next and it will always be ever-changing.

I'll share a bit of my experience in this. My exw re-married a guy she knew from HS about 4 months or so after my D. On one occasion, I had it out with her on the phone and she said to me " I should've married him the fist time".  My reply was yes you should have and saved all the destruction you have caused in everybody else's lives. This particular marriage was her 4th at age 37.  This argument between us had happened during the Idealization phase. Her marriage lasted less than 60 days as he was broke, unemployed, trying to collect disability and he was more or less a predator. He supposedly told her that he had enough money for 2 years of bills but it was a lie. He had told her that he was a Navy seal, a prisoner of war and went into detail about being water board tortured and crying and he was never in the military. She also found emails of where he had told the same story to another woman before her who happened to be smart and kicked his butt to the curb.

anyways... fast forward... .  she divorces him and re-cycles me. At the end of the re-cycle I had it out with her again and she idealized her predator 4th husband to me saying "she was happy" ?   Really ?  If she were happy then I ask why did you divorce him and recycle me ?

They are never happy so don't think for a minute that she is. The mere fact that my exw idealized someone again knowing that he had lied to her about his identity and was basically a predator should show just how mentally ill people with BPD are.

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clairedair
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« Reply #9 on: March 17, 2013, 02:40:42 PM »

mango_flower

I can't remember if I've mentioned this to you before but when my exH and I first separated, he starting dating someone within the month.  She seemed to offer everything he said he needed in a relationship - same values, same politics, similar traumas in life.  He wasn't ever with both of us at same time but did go from one to other repeatedly.  When he was first with her, I was convinced that he'd found what he'd been looking for.  I nicknamed her 'Little Miss Perfect'.  But he left her just as he divorced me - just at the point at which they could have married.

He's now with another woman and, again, seems happy and more settled.  She isn't like the last one - so what is it that he's seeking from a relationship this time?  I'm bothered very little this time.  Partly because I have had enough anyway but also because I see that the end of our relationship didn't have as much to do with my 'shortcomings' as I had thought.  There is nothing that I could have done that would have resulted in him staying.  And even if he had stayed, I'd have destroyed myself trying to keep it all together.

how is that a loving relationship?

I'd be very surprised if your gf really knows what she wants.  However, that doesn't really matter.

What do you want?
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Numbers
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« Reply #10 on: March 17, 2013, 04:03:20 PM »

I had to endure all this in reverse.

My ex idolized her ex and used him as role model to constantly remind me how I fall short.

- "dear, you can store your summer tyres in my garage till you find another option"

- "you inhuman, my ex would have told me I can store them forever, see, see, SEE, how insensitive, cold and dysfunctional you are"

(She continued to drive the point for entire day. No matter that I paid for her winter tyres and had to wake up on my day off at inhuman hour to drive over border to get them... .  )

And so on and so on. Her ex was always better then me. More caring, more providing, having more time, supporting her better, sensing her better, anticipating her every need, intuitively knowing what she needs before she knew it etc etc. Top statement was "he does not need to go to church as he is church in itself".

When I asked her why she is not with him if he is so superhuman, she never could explain. Oh, actually, she could. She said that even that superhuman treatment was not enough for her and she sought on. Unfortunately, I already fall short but maybe she will have mercy and let me improve.

For taking that for 18 months, acting like a donkey with carrot hanging in front of me, I my dear readers, am an idiot.

Except for that one idol, her other exes were all described as abusive or defective (asault, drugs, cheating, general stupidity). I trust I will become just another tool in that toolbox - either an idolized, impossible to reach model or another abuser. And her new guy who will most definitely have to cope with all that again, as in all honesty she does not know any better, is a new idiot in the making, not someone who will live happily ever after.

If she returns to me, well, she can either get a lecture on BPD or a foot in her backside. I am still deciding on which  Being cool (click to insert in post)
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Findingmysong723
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« Reply #11 on: March 17, 2013, 05:08:04 PM »

Ok so I know in theory that I need to get to that place of indifference... .  

But in the meantime, how do I cope with knowing she is really happy with her new fiancee?

I have hidden her feed on facebook, but in a weak moment I do look, I'm not going to lie.  I have said many a time about my need to keep it "sweet" and our low contact seems to be going well, as we're now at the place where we send a text once a week or so just saying "Hey, how are ya?" and it's all very nice.  I'm supposed to be getting some of my money back in 5 weeks or so, when she gets paid, so I at least want to see if I will.  If I delete her off facebook, this will only antagonize her and make it nasty.

Also, we have a TON of mutual friends from our sports team. Most think we had a very amicable split and "it just didn't work out".  They try to be nice to me, so they'll say something like "Oh it must make you feel AWFUL that she's so happy now, and posting all over facebook about how her new girlfriend is taking her to see this/that/the other.  Are you ok mate?".  There is no malice, just concern for me.

But every time I hear it, it hurts.

It hurts that I made her so happy at the start too, but then I just didn't do enough, wasn't romantic enough.  But for the first 9 months, she was that happy with me!  I thought it was me who gave her that... .  I thought I was the only one who could do it (yes, I know, I know).  She was such a broken person when we met.  And I pulled her out of that rut (I'd like to say I helped her to pull herself out of it, but nope, it really was all me that did it) and she was happy... .  beaming... having fun.

I've said loads of times before that my biggest fear is that I was just inadequate beyond all measure, and her new fiancee is superwoman! (or at least, will indulge her behaviours way more than I did - I just ignored them towards the end, which left her deciding that I didn't love her anymore... .  )

I do want her to be happy, but just not quite as happy as I made her... .  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

This seems to be a sticking point for me.  With so many mutual friends, I am bound to hear about what she's up to, and I need to know how I can deal with this -

Not by running from it and deleting her on facebook, so I don't know.

But by truly coming to terms with the fact that somebody else is making her happy now - and that person is not me.  I failed, where she is succeeding (at the moment).

I also have this massive fear that my ex won't want to go through another breakdown (obviously!) and have to start her life afresh again, so she will make it work this time, try and hold her "crazy" in check... .  

How do I get out of this repetitive thought process? 

Hi Mango, You have to realize that they're never truly happy and it is all a facade. They are not happy with themselves! and other people do not make us happy as individuals. They are always chasing that "perfect love" which will never be found because it is a fantasy. They're unable to have a real connection with anyone as they just mirror one person to the next and it will always be ever-changing.

I'll share a bit of my experience in this. My exw re-married a guy she knew from HS about 4 months or so after my D. On one occasion, I had it out with her on the phone and she said to me " I should've married him the fist time".  My reply was yes you should have and saved all the destruction you have caused in everybody else's lives. This particular marriage was her 4th at age 37.  This argument between us had happened during the Idealization phase. Her marriage lasted less than 60 days as he was broke, unemployed, trying to collect disability and he was more or less a predator. He supposedly told her that he had enough money for 2 years of bills but it was a lie. He had told her that he was a Navy seal, a prisoner of war and went into detail about being water board tortured and crying and he was never in the military. She also found emails of where he had told the same story to another woman before her who happened to be smart and kicked his butt to the curb.

anyways... fast forward... .  she divorces him and re-cycles me. At the end of the re-cycle I had it out with her again and she idealized her predator 4th husband to me saying "she was happy" ?   Really ?  If she were happy then I ask why did you divorce him and recycle me ?

They are never happy so don't think for a minute that she is. The mere fact that my exw idealized someone again knowing that he had lied to her about his identity and was basically a predator should show just how mentally ill people with BPD are.


My Ex Boyfriend, undiagnosed Borderline. When he broke up with me, he said "he just wasn't happy." which is fair to say in most relationships... .  but the problem was he was never really happy. Sometimes I was able to help him be less depressed but I guess I couldn't keep that up anymore. After learning more about BPD after the breakup and believing he had that disorder along with being a recovering alcoholic. Basically, when I met him he wasn't happy and had admitted to that, he was someone who had isolated himself for years after having two unhealthy relationships in his past. I agree with the idea of the Borderline finding "the perfect love," and never finding it. I had red flags in the beginning, the line saying " I'd don't think I've ever been in love really, I think only once with my first serious girlfriend," or something like that. I didn't have the Borderline that told me he loved me all the time, I had the one who kept me thinking that I could be the one if I only tried hard enough... .  sad!  :'(
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Findingmysong723
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« Reply #12 on: March 17, 2013, 05:11:12 PM »

My Ex Boyfriend, undiagnosed Borderline. When he broke up with me, he said "he just wasn't happy." which is fair to say in most relationships... .  but the problem was he was never really happy. Sometimes I was able to help him be less depressed but I guess I couldn't keep that up anymore. After learning more about BPD after the breakup and believing he had that disorder along with being a recovering alcoholic. Basically, when I met him he wasn't happy and had admitted to that, he was someone who had isolated himself for years after having two unhealthy relationships in his past. I agree with the idea of the Borderline finding "the perfect love," and never finding it. I had red flags in the beginning, the line saying " I'd don't think I've ever been in love really, I think only once with my first serious girlfriend," or something like that. I didn't have the Borderline that told me he loved me all the time, I had the one who kept me thinking that I could be the one if I only tried hard enough... .  sad!   :'(
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Findingmysong723
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« Reply #13 on: March 17, 2013, 05:12:09 PM »

I posted again, since I'm still new and quoted instead of posted.
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koroido

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« Reply #14 on: March 17, 2013, 06:26:02 PM »

Dear Mango Flower,

Every time I log in, there you are. Stop. Seriously... .  stop for a minute. You need to take a long hard look in the mirror and the best way to do that is:

A). first read through all of your posts. Listen to what you are saying and more importantly how you are saying it.

B). read all of the responses that you've made to other people's posts.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that you are incredibly compassionate, insightful and giving.

She wasn't capable of tolerating that because her heart cannot cope with it. It's just simply too much for her to deal with. You had nothing to do with it. Jesus H Christ on a pogo stick! You're an Awesome Human Being and you WILL find love, acceptance and the happiness that you deserve. I know you are grieving and I don't think that you should not... .  but I can't help but feel that you can't see the forrest from the trees at this point and I just want to rattle you out of this funk because... .  well... .  I have no idea who you are but I can see, just from your posts and your willingness to offer yourself to others who are suffering, that you are exceptional and deserving!

All of my hugs and encouragement go to you right now! I for one am rooting for you.

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mango_flower
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« Reply #15 on: March 17, 2013, 06:44:08 PM »

Thank you so so much all Smiling (click to insert in post)

So much insight here... .  it's so damn tough at the moment!

Today has been an ok day as I have been with friends.  So haven't had as much time to think!  But it's now 11.40pm and I quite enjoy my downtime around now, right before bed... .  I have taken my sleeping pills so don't have the usual anxiety, and thinking about her isn't as painful therefore! Smiling (click to insert in post) 

Koroido - I take you up on that challenge - there is a definite discord between what I tell others, and what I tell myself.  Thank you for your kind words Smiling (click to insert in post) x
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fakename
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« Reply #16 on: March 17, 2013, 06:50:10 PM »

great post koroido and great encouragement...

mango flower, i've been somewhat keeping an eye on you as well and you seem like a very caring and attentive and generous partner.  it also seems like you're hurt and the pain doesn't want to leave, and that hurts me too.

all i can say, is i know how you feel.  i used to wake up earlier than i had to just so she can wake up to a massage, go to sleep to a massage, used to cut fresh fruit for her and place it in her car as a little surprise for her drive to work, and all sorts of very very generous things and would be as creative as i could. my life revolved around her. i put up with her sleeping with 4 other guys and leaving me for a year. my point being, i thought i really really loved the girl and i didn't want to quit. i didnt want it to end, and i thought she was the most important person in my life.  and there were many times/ways when i thought she was the perfect girlfriend.

my ex is now 3 weeks into a relationship with some other guy. she signed them up for cross fit classes, hot yoga, and he has a key to her apartment... to top it off he's 27 and she's turning 35 in june... .  i understand some level of the pain you feel.

anyway, i worked to cut off a great amount of my pain by telling myself, i made a decision to move on, and so i am going to. no matter what, i will never take her back, as much as i think i may want to during the time when i'm still healing, i will not take her back for all the ways she abused me and neglected my needs.  

i know i deserve better. i can only say you deserve better if you yourself feel that way. do you really value this abuser more than you value yourself? think about that.

i remember one time i was sitting on the beach with a friend of mine, and it was heavenly, and we shared that special moment. the best part of it, is i could relax and i could expand my own mental horizons. if it were my ex sitting next to me, my mind would be overloaded with worry, thinking about what she was thinking or how she was feeling, etc. its just a different feeling being next to someone who doesnt have chaos spinning around in their head non-stop.  and it doesn't trickle chaos into my head- lifting my soul out of my body and replacing it with a servant to be abused.  i lost myself when with my ex. without her, and through the pain i am going to grow into the person i want to become.

it isn't easy. and i'm fortunate to have this board, and i exchange texts with someone from the boards (we sorta act as each other's sponsors i guess). have a good support system in place, focus on what you have to improve about yourself, and move forward.  

the only pain that comes is if you tell yourself you're going to take her back.  truly make the decision and commit and it slowly gets better.

p.s. maybe none of what i said relates to you and maybe you're doing very well, i dont know. what i wrote is as much for myself as things i thought might be helpful for you to hear.
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mango_flower
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« Reply #17 on: March 17, 2013, 06:53:52 PM »

i know i deserve better. i can only say you deserve better if you yourself feel that way. do you really value this abuser more than you value yourself? think about that.

i remember one time i was sitting on the beach with a friend of mine, and it was heavenly, and we shared that special moment. the best part of it, is i could relax and i could expand my own mental horizons. if it were my ex sitting next to me, my mind would be overloaded with worry, thinking about what she was thinking or how she was feeling, etc. its just a different feeling being next to someone who doesnt have chaos spinning around in their head non-stop.  

Thank you Fakename - all of what you wrote was lovely and very true!  I loved the bit I have quoted above about not having to worry 24/7 about if she's ok!

The sad thing is, I do seem to place her happiness over my own... .  and that is not good, I know that logically!  So i'm going to work on changing my thinking there... .  Smiling (click to insert in post) x
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Cimbaruns
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #18 on: March 17, 2013, 07:08:38 PM »

Mango-flower

I agree with Koroido... .  

I have been reading your posts as well... .  ,

You are in a great deal of pain as most of here are or have been... .  

YOU ... .  Are the most important... .  YOU

You have offered so many here... .  wonderful kind words... .  

YOU... .  are an amazing person with an amazing heart... .  

I send you much strength

PEACE ... .    My friend  
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Clearmind
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« Reply #19 on: March 17, 2013, 09:52:19 PM »

But in the meantime, how do I cope with knowing she is really happy with her new fiancee?

By reminding yourself you are not to blame for her illness!

By reminding yourself how the relationship was with you and how the new relationship will follow the same pattern!

By reminding yourself each time you ruminate of 3 things that happened in your relationship that were complete deal breakers - that you wouldn't want to go back to.

By reminding yourself of the facts/reality of this relationship

By rejoicing in the fact you are out and free of the turmoil.

By starting to look into why you are attached/care about what your abuser is doing.
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jaird
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« Reply #20 on: March 18, 2013, 10:54:43 PM »

But in the meantime, how do I cope with knowing she is really happy with her new fiancee?

By reminding yourself you are not to blame for her illness!

By reminding yourself how the relationship was with you and how the new relationship will follow the same pattern!

By reminding yourself each time you ruminate of 3 things that happened in your relationship that were complete deal breakers - that you wouldn't want to go back to.

By reminding yourself of the facts/reality of this relationship

Excellent post! I like Apple's post too.

By rejoicing in the fact you are out and free of the turmoil.

By starting to look into why you are attached/care about what your abuser is doing.

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jaird
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« Reply #21 on: March 18, 2013, 10:57:57 PM »

But in the meantime, how do I cope with knowing she is really happy with her new fiancee?

By reminding yourself you are not to blame for her illness!

By reminding yourself how the relationship was with you and how the new relationship will follow the same pattern!

By reminding yourself each time you ruminate of 3 things that happened in your relationship that were complete deal breakers - that you wouldn't want to go back to.

By reminding yourself of the facts/reality of this relationship

By rejoicing in the fact you are out and free of the turmoil.

By starting to look into why you are attached/care about what your abuser is doing.

This should go on everyone's bathroom mirror and refrigerator.
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Foolsgold

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« Reply #22 on: December 10, 2016, 12:11:28 PM »

I was struggling through the same thing and even still my mind will trick itself into thinking she's finally actually happy and the new guy is just what she needs or even sometimes that the new guy doesn't deserve her. It's just chaos on our minds and we just need to stop dwelling on things. It's not our concern any more and I would tell myself whenever the thoughts pop in that I just don't really care any more. I know what I want and she doesn't offer it.

But also, the truth is, that she isn't happy and has never been happy in any of her relationships. Nothing is enough. It's as simple as that. Nothing else to it.
. TRUTH!
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woundedPhoenix
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« Reply #23 on: December 10, 2016, 01:13:45 PM »

It's just that fear of "what if I DON'T find it?  And end up on my own forever?"

She'll be a hard act to follow- she really did play the role of perfect girlfriend... .  *sigh*

It may sound silly, but it is just that: "fear". Fear isn't a fortune teller, doesn't know the future, and certainly does not foresee the many ways that we will grow and change coming out of this.

And the hard act to follow... .remember that you were 50% of the hard act, it is sometimes hard to see, but it wasn't only her.
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