Do you ever feel like answers would just make it all better?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'm still posting in the undecided section.  In my head, I'm done but, if I'm being honest, I don't know what I will do if/when she contacts me again... .  

I cannot shake the feeling that real answers, honest reasons for why she did this would help me so much.

I play every scenario in my mind over and over:  her calling and telling me that she loves me TOO much and that's why she pushes me away.  Her telling me it was all a farce and she never had feelings and she used me.  Her calling and saying she knows she is sick and wants help.  My brain is always focused on HER.

I just can't get over the fact that I never got and will never get the answers that I feel like I need.  I have read *SO* much about BPD and I get the fact that they are so changeable in the way they feel, but I can't get over this overwhelming need for a reason, an explanation.  I just hope, as time ticks on, my mind can think of other things and the desire for the "truth" (whatever it may be) fades.

Is this feeling normal?  Am I the only one who is obsessed with playing out these different scenes in my mind?  Am I the only one who can't seem to go 5 freaking minutes without thinking about their person with BPD? 

[crashintome]

I'm still posting in the undecided section.  In my head, I'm done but, if I'm being honest, I don't know what I will do if/when she contacts me again... .  

I cannot shake the feeling that real answers, honest reasons for why she did this would help me so much.

I play every scenario in my mind over and over:  her calling and telling me that she loves me TOO much and that's why she pushes me away.  Her telling me it was all a farce and she never had feelings and she used me.  Her calling and saying she knows she is sick and wants help.  My brain is always focused on HER.

I just can't get over the fact that I never got and will never get the answers that I feel like I need.  I have read *SO* much about BPD and I get the fact that they are so changeable in the way they feel, but I can't get over this overwhelming need for a reason, an explanation.  I just hope, as time ticks on, my mind can think of other things and the desire for the "truth" (whatever it may be) fades.

Is this feeling normal?  Am I the only one who is obsessed with playing out these different scenes in my mind?  Am I the only one who can't seem to go 5 freaking minutes without thinking about their person with BPD? 

[crazylife]

Wow... .  you are really having a tough time. I think there are answers,we just somehow dont always remember them. Reading about the neuro biololgy and structural changes helps me to separate the disease from the person. Unless I forget. But when I see a behavior, and now have a name for it, I can try and call up any skills I am trying to learn. I am doing ok, not great at it but trying... .  The only other way to deal is Radical acceptance. I am well aware I may be here some day. I wish you peace...

[TigerEye]

Hi crashintome

Sorry you are hurting, the search for answers can leave us feeling desperate and confused. I feel that the answer you have got is one that you need to accept first, that the person you love has a complex mental illness and the expectation of this relationship being anything like 'normal' is not going to be.

Armed with this knowledge, you can look for the next answer in you. Why would you want to be in a r/s with someone that has a challenging disorder? Is it because of the way she made you feel in the early stages of your relationship? If so, do you truly understand what this first phase was all about? Loving someone with BPD has been likened to an addiction, we want that first fix we had at the start of the r/s, but by gaining a true understanding of what BPD is, how a r/s develops, and our role in that r/s , we have to accept that there will be little logic and rational in our interaction with our loved one and there will be no return to that idealization stage as that was a tactic used to draw us in . The answers are here if you need to find them, keep posting your questions.

I feel that she has told you a truth, it is because she loves you too much that she pushes you away. It comes from a deep rooted fear of abandonment, the thought of someone close leaving her is too much and so she jumps first to stop you leaving her. I know this doesn't make sense in the world of normal, but her thought process is not the same as a nonBPD, it's another answer that it is vital to understand and accept, which ever path you choose to take.

And that's the next question, what do you truly want for you? There is support and advice on this site to help you make that choice for you, and then to help you move down the path that is right for you.

[123Phoebe]

Hi crashintome

Something that has helped take the focus off the pwBPD and put in on myself is really recognizing the feelings that come up within me and my reactions to them.

Not too long ago I was feeling super duper exhausted, lonely and questioning so many things-- these thoughts were looping around in my brain at a million miles per hour while I was curled up in bed.

I got in touch with myself and you know what came up?  I have felt like this before!   When I was little and my mom did something that made absolutely no sense   My coping mechanism as a young child was to retreat to my bedroom and figure out ways to get my mother to be nice to me again, while crying into my pillow so that she wouldn't hear me.  I made it all about her.

I recognized my own dysfunction in that moment, grieved for the little girl that needed her mommy, got out of bed, took a shower in my own bathroom, in my own house and celebrated how far I've come from all of that dysfunction. 

I don't need to use those coping mechanisms anymore.  I'm an adult and can find ways to self-soothe in other ways... .    I am important.  My feelings matter.  What's important to me?  How can I go about getting my needs met in a healthy fashion? 

What's important to you, crashintome?  Search for those answers within yourself, and then if/when she contacts you again... .    You'll know what to do

[cal644]

My STBexw told me all those same things at different times.  It leaves me scratching my head - I just wished they had something to help them. 

[pari]

You are not alone Crashintome. I have been there and still ride there sometimes. It is conflict we have to deal with while being with pwBPD.

I have been trying so hard to look for answers for his behavior but all I got was failure. You know why, because I am looking for answers for wrong questions. Probably we should look for answers for our behavior and try to bring in the change in us before we could help and understand others.

I have been treated like a 'TOY'. It's funny because he is one who first introduced the concept of Toy to me, saying I use him like a toy where as it's him who plays with me all the time.  In good mood, he would bestow all his affection on me. In bad mood, I am the evil one and reason for all the wrongs in his life. When he feels better, he comes back to me like a normal person. I still feel bad when he accuses me, it feels but it hurts less and less with time.

Please be cognizant that you shouldn't be used like a 'TOY'. And take care of yourself. Try to focus on YOU and what do you want OR if you really want her, why?

[tut-uncommon]

Crash,

I do the same thing!

My T teaches me to look for the thought-feeling-behavior connection.

I cant find the "honest answers" either, but maybe these descriptions will help?

Components of the nonBPD separation

- r/s abrupt ending (shock)

- rejection with no real cause (devaluation,devastation,self-worth crisis)

- no resolution, no closure (they may come back and talk, but they may not, confusion)

- no admission of fault/responsibility (guilt,confusion)

- no/ very little communication (self blame, guilt, confusion, paranoia, speculation, worry)

-Tut