Not very close with my family, nor anyone really

[struggli]

I was very close with my ex, "enmeshed" if you like, and now I have no one.  In fact, it seems my SOs are the only people with whom I feel a closeness.

My family wasn't terrible, but not great either.  Even though there were assertions of love in my childhood, I don't know if I ever really felt it.  I've talked about it in therapy and on here a little bit.  My T is concerned that I don't feel a closeness with my family and I don't really have any friends.

I go see my family about once a week every year or so and it's usually a good time, but it's enough for me.  I rarely communicate with them in the meantime.  My parents kind of annoy me still at 35 years old.  My dad usually tries to impress (especially if I have a gf present) with his knowledge or a story (looking for validation?  low self esteem?) and my mom is a tad smothering (overly hospitable, drags out saying goodbye for an hour, etc).  If I try to communicate with them when I am troubled, I feel like they just give me canned responses, so there's no point in even starting communication.  My dad will tell me I'll be better in time and my mom will tell me to pray or something.  Neither one of them has ever really experienced a heart-soul-crushing breakup, so I guess I understand their lack of advice.

So, uh, anyway, maybe I have attachment issues as well.  I've always wanted to be close to people, maybe more close than is"normal".  Girlfriends have made me feel alive: intimacy, pleasure, presence, availability.  One of the hardest things about my last ex was she was push-pull which constantly wrecked my feeling of closeness and stability.

As far as friends, I've found they all disengage (or I do) eventually, so I never really make the effort to make new ones.  To be honest, I tire of platonic relationships eventually.  I want something sexual/romantic to be the focus of long-term development.  Maybe that's normal?

But I also don't want a family of my own either.  I know that challenges social and cultural norms, but that's not really a concern.  And I don't want to MAKE myself want a family.  But sometimes I wonder if it has to do with my feeling regarding my FOO.  Some of it is just practicality (pros vs cons) as well.

I just want an SO to grow closer with and just be satisfied with one another.  I'm not saying we'd just detach from the rest of the world, but rather that we'd function cooperatively and intimately.  A woman that always needs space and is exhausted by the relationship is very difficult for me.  I did more things with friends when I was with the ex because occasionally meeting up (once a month) was good enough for a friendship when I felt I had a closeness with ex.

Am I just looking for something unrealistic?  Someone to soothe my pain?

Maybe I'm looking for a level of intimacy that is rare?  Maybe I just need to love myself for where I'm at and what I want regardless of "normalcy"?

[Maryiscontrary]

In my opinion, this is not the most hospitable environment for having kids. Almost all of my contemporaries are breeding far below replacement levels, if at all. This is not unusual for our generation.

I really think you might want to think about really connecting up with your friends and get a support network. I will say that being married most of my adult life, the thing I personally need is space. When I have shut out my friendships, this is a huge warning sign for me. Getting too enmeshed with a lover is bad policy.

Also, I have found it, for myself, good policy to not get serious with a lover too quickly, and develop a real friendship. I have had to drop potentials be because they wanted to get serious too damn fast, and it is a choking feeling. How about being friends first, and seeing if you get along?

[catsprt]

How frequently do you think about it? Is it quasi permanent or once in a while?

[struggli]

In my opinion, this is not the most hospitable environment for having kids. Almost all of my contemporaries are breeding far below replacement levels, if at all. This is not unusual for our generation.

I really think you might want to think about really connecting up with your friends and get a support network. I will say that being married most of my adult life, the thing I personally need is space. When I have shut out my friendships, this is a huge warning sign for me. Getting too enmeshed with a lover is bad policy.

Also, I have found it, for myself, good policy to not get serious with a lover too quickly, and develop a real friendship. I have had to drop potentials be because they wanted to get serious too damn fast, and it is a choking feeling. How about being friends first, and seeing if you get along?

Well, here's the thing... .  when I'm heartbroken, I'm not a very good friend.  I just go on and on about my problems.  I become a burden.  I push people away with my angst.  Everything is a trigger.  So I just deal with it on my own, or with objective people -- on here, in therapy, etc.  My connections with friends are stronger when I'm in a relationship because I'm happier when I'm with an SO.

What is the difference between enmeshment and intimacy/closeness?  Maybe I don't understand the distinction.

The "needing space" thing always triggers me because my latest ex was the only one who ever said that to me.  I think it naturally happened in other relationships -- differing schedules and so on.  But my ex needed space for days at a time and I'd caught her doing questionable things during those times -- like going out and drinking with her guy friends, going to her ex's house, etc.

I understand an evening alone, a visit to FOO for the weekend, or even just being somewhere together but doing our own things at the same time.  I don't need to be connected at the hip if that's what enmeshment means.  But I like a certain level of stability and knowing I'm not being abandoned (communication, trust, etc.).

I've found if I don't make a move on a woman fairly quickly, they lose interest very quickly.  Isn't that the "friend zone" thing?  Don't indicate sexual interest = never gonna happen?  I was always a fan of slow progression but more and more I have been conditioned that women think I'm not interested if I don't try to have sex with them right away.

[struggli]

How frequently do you think about it? Is it quasi permanent or once in a while?

To what are you referring?

[Maryiscontrary]

Yes, I can see what you are saying. Do you self soothe?

On the opposite end, I feel like running when a man starts wrapping his tentacles around me too soon. I mean emotionally. I mean starts wanting to plan a future real quick. Or asking where I am at all the time, even though I am not wanting a committed relationship. Or getting jealous over my hobbies and friends. I know that I do not like to be controlled.

I mean, I am not saying you do these things, but these are common things I see from my side of the fence. what do you think?

[struggli]

Yes, I can see what you are saying. Do you self soothe?

Yes, but it only goes so far.  The warmth of a close human connection, both physical and emotional would be nice.

On the opposite end, I feel like running when a man starts wrapping his tentacles around me too soon. I mean emotionally. I mean starts wanting to plan a future real quick. Or asking where I am at all the time, even though I am not wanting a committed relationship. Or getting jealous over my hobbies and friends. I know that I do not like to be controlled.

I mean, I am not saying you do these things, but these are common things I see from my side of the fence. what do you think?

Yeah, I did controlling, clingy things.  Ex and I had been seeing each other three days and I was upset when some guy gave her his number and invited her to a party.  She called and told me she was going to party with this guy and I told her I was very upset because it sounded like a date and I thought we were seeing each other.  She reluctantly agreed not to go. 

Hearing you say that makes me feel like a failure at life.  I don't know how else to be.  But I guess that is under the assumption that I make you an authority on what is "right" behavior.

Couldn't one argue that your aversion to "tentacles" is at the opposite end of the spectrum?  Or that if it was the right guy you would welcome his tentacles?

I guess we all have different attachment styles.

Relationships seem more complicated the more I think about them.  As a result, I become more of a hermit.  I am too needy.  I am too distant.  I think I'd have more luck putting my energy into building a time machine than finding a suitable partner.

[Maryiscontrary]

Now you must understand that I have my attachment issues, so please keep this in mind. Maybe even with a grain of salt. This is just an opinion from the other side.


Very few men can handle my separateness. And my need to grow. They want to capture me and put me in a cage. I think this is a testosterone thing. There is a nice british guy friend who I think finally gets it, and has quit being so suffocating, possessive, and demanding. I just want to enjoy the moment. And they want to control my every move and plan every aspect of the future. So they get pushed away and told exactly why.

It appears that you have a lot to offer. I know I like to enjoy the moment. Moments add up and manefest into a future. I don't need anybody to push an artificial future on me.  This is a sure fire way of not getting laid.

[Maryiscontrary]

You know that 70s band .38 special rock and roll anthem? Hold on loosely.

[onesmartcookie39]

Yes, I can see what you are saying. Do you self soothe?

Yes, but it only goes so far.  The warmth of a close human connection, both physical and emotional would be nice.

On the opposite end, I feel like running when a man starts wrapping his tentacles around me too soon. I mean emotionally. I mean starts wanting to plan a future real quick. Or asking where I am at all the time, even though I am not wanting a committed relationship. Or getting jealous over my hobbies and friends. I know that I do not like to be controlled.

I mean, I am not saying you do these things, but these are common things I see from my side of the fence. what do you think?

Yeah, I did controlling, clingy things.  Ex and I had been seeing each other three days and I was upset when some guy gave her his number and invited her to a party.  She called and told me she was going to party with this guy and I told her I was very upset because it sounded like a date and I thought we were seeing each other.  She reluctantly agreed not to go. 

Hearing you say that makes me feel like a failure at life.  I don't know how else to be.  But I guess that is under the assumption that I make you an authority on what is "right" behavior.

Couldn't one argue that your aversion to "tentacles" is at the opposite end of the spectrum?  Or that if it was the right guy you would welcome his tentacles?

I guess we all have different attachment styles.

Relationships seem more complicated the more I think about them.  As a result, I become more of a hermit.  I am too needy.  I am too distant.  I think I'd have more luck putting my energy into building a time machine than finding a suitable partner.

You aren't a failure at life. I think there's a happy medium. Where you have your own hobbies, your own friends while at the same time you maintain a close relationship with your significant other. I think any female who needs a lot of space just isn't the right female for you. You must forgive those of us who do need space. Many of us have been smothered our entire lives so if we feel that from a significant other- our first instinct is to run. I used to be very codependent but thankfully with my husband's love and patience I like to spend some of my free time with him and some of my free time doing things by myself or with friends. It's really a balance. And it is very hard to make good friends these days. I struggle with that too. But it's important to have a support system in your life including friends.