Is reading about BPD and abuse online bad?

[willy45]

Hi All,

I find myself reading about abuse and BPD constantly. Like, all the time. Do you think this is a good thing? A bad thing? Just a thing? My T tells me I have suffered severe emotional abuse and that I have the symptoms of Complex PTSD. My doctor told me that I shouldn't read about this stuff as it just keeps me stuck and keeps me from moving on. I read about this stuff pretty much all day. I read it over and over again. I guess I have a really hard time believing it. I keep reading it. And I don't know what it is that I am looking for. I don't know why I am doing it. I just do it. All the time. Checking to see if the label of abuse fits. Each time I read something, I think to myself... .  'YUP! That's what I experienced'. And then I find myself checking it again a few hours later to see if it is true. Maybe it just isn't sinking in... .  that she was abusive with me and I made the right choice in leaving. It totally sucks.

What do you all think?

[Clearmind]

Denial is part of the grieivng process. Your heart and head are at odds right now.

Reading is not a bad thing rjh its part of the detaching process - you are seeking validation that you are not to blame - because its likely you do blame yourself.

This self blame will form part of your healing - there is a reason you blame yourself - are you aware of any reasons why this maybe the case?

[TheDude]

Coming to an understanding is a part of the process, but so is letting go and learning to refocus. Personally, I've found that obsessing / ruminating over her issues and behaviors starts to feel like beating a dead horse, so to speak. Time to focus on something... .  anything else for a while. I also remind myself that I don't have to define who I am now and in the future by her dysfunction.

Maybe you could try giving yourself a break from the whole subject, say a few days? Just a thought.

[willy45]

Hmmm... .  Great question.

I guess I blame myself because I wasn't committed to her. It was long distance and she kept telling me the long distance was making her crazy. I would visit her all the time and each time I told myself that I would commit if we could get along. But there was always some blow out where she would rage at me for random things. So, I would run away. She told me her rages had to do with me and my not being committed. I guess I really didn't believe her because the raging was out of control. I had to hide from her or run out of the house or jump out of the car. I thought that things would get worse if I committed. I guess I never really tried it her way. And I guess a part of me regrets that. Maybe that is the part that is seeking readsurance that I made the right choice. It is the part of me that needs to label her behavior as abusive and to know I didn't cause it. Does that make sense?

[Clearmind]

Yes it makes sense – and I did the same thing – I immersed myself in BPD literature which is why I get it.

What is interesting is that it was the nature of the relationship – i.e. it being toxic – that has now lead you to regret not committing.  Which came first – her behaviour/rages/outbursts/accusations or your regret?

Is it possible my friend that you are actually a wise man - you just don't trust you! You felt in your gut that something was not right and you moved away from it rather than rushed towards it! What does a child do to protect themselves when they touch a stove hot plate?

You did the right thing for you - what has not caught up with your decision is the younger you that was possibly required to stick things out, bend your morals, handle it no matter what - even at the expense of your own happiness - where does this come from rjh?

Imagine your best friend is relaying the same scenario to you – what would you suggest for him to do? How could you be supportive and what would you say to him (write it out here verbatim)?

By the way - the way you feel right now is completely normal for a person going through grief - we bargain - all those what ifs will run through our heads continuously until we then grieve the fact it is over and then begin to move forward. Be kind to you

[MaybeSo]

Hmmm... .  Great question.

I guess I blame myself because I wasn't committed to her. It was long distance and she kept telling me the long distance was making her crazy. I would visit her all the time and each time I told myself that I would commit if we could get along. But there was always some blow out where she would rage at me for random things. So, I would run away. She told me her rages had to do with me and my not being committed. I guess I really didn't believe her because the raging was out of control. I had to hide from her or run out of the house or jump out of the car. I thought that things would get worse if I committed. I guess I never really tried it her way. And I guess a part of me regrets that. Maybe that is the part that is seeking readsurance that I made the right choice. It is the part of me that needs to label her behavior as abusive and to know I didn't cause it. Does that make sense?

Yes, that does make sense. While being kind to yourself, are there more ways to think about this?

Could there be some truth that she was distressed because you were not wanting to commit? Is it possible that could be legitimatly distressing for a person?  I think this could be distressing for a  normal person. Ok. Fine.

If a non disordered person were distressed by a lack of committment from the person they were seeing, do you think the only tool in their toolbox would be to rage and be verbally abusive?  I suspect a grown adult might have a variety of usefull things they would do if they found themselves in this situation... .  including discussing the topic of committment thoughtfully and reaching some kind of understanding about what is reasonable to expect from this relaitonship, and then act on that understanding in a manner that works for them. Right? Just off the top of my head, that's how a reasonable adult might handle such a situation.

Abusing someone verbally in an effort to get them to committment isn't going to work, obviously.    It's indicative of a personality disorder to use one maladaptive tool over and over again that isn't really the right tool for the situation and does the exact opposite of it's intended use!  Likewise about a long distance reltionship: If an adult say's "being in a long distance relationship is driving me crazy"... .  an adult would have to consider seriosly if they should even be in a long distance relationship at all. Right? If it drives you crazy, why are you in it? Either leave it, or find a way to take care of youself w/in the relationship you choose.  In otherwords, take ownership of your life and your choices... .  if you cannot tolerate the stress of a LDR, then know that about yourself, and make decisions that are in alignment with that knowing.  Right?

Now to your concerns.  Would it seem reasonable to keep dating or make a committment to a person who while in their presence  is so verbally abusive toward you?  No, a reasonable response to a lot of anger and verbal abuse would be to distance yourself from that expereince, not committ to it,  and if it were an optional relationship (not parent/child for example)... .  to maybe even end the relationship.  Right? That would be an important part of taking care of oneself, and owning our own life choices, also.  

Isn't what you are talking about the classic push-pull of a borderline (immature) relationship?  She wants committment but when you hesitate, it enrages her that you hesitate and won't commit,  which then in turn makes you hesitate all the more, which triggers her all the more... .  and pretty soon you just have TWO people triggering eachother in a never ending feedback loop... .  ?  Who is taking responsbility for themselves here?

How many of us here have then thought, well, I'll stop hesitating, and give the committment (or whatever) this person wants... .  only to find things getting even worse! That's because you can't fix someone... .  even with your compliance with their demands... .  which amounts to not taking care of yourself... .  you cannot fix her! If she uses raging as a go-to coping tool, she is going to do that in other stressful situations, too? Right?  She has let you know that she is hasn't learned very good coping skills for life, right?

As for our part: at what point do we take better care of ourselves? At what point do we step away from a relationship where we are being verbally abused or are feeling so unsure about a commitment to this person?  :)o we have to wait and make sure that what we are experiencing is truly abusive?  If it doesn't qaulify as frank abuse, does that mean we can't still end it or distance ourselves or take care of oursevles?  :)oes a relationship have to be 'abusvie' before we grant ourselves permission to deem it unhealthy or unsatisfying for us?  How come?  And at what point in our staying are we  participating in a dance of two "if you stop raging I'll committ"... .  "if you committ I'll stop raging"... .  and instead, where and when do we take responsbility for ourselves... .  "this dynamic is unhealthy (abusive or not)... .  I need to stop doing this  unhealthy thing and step away to care for myself better"... .  and have all the uncomfortable feelings that may come with that choice of self care;  ... .  sadness, disapointment, lonliness, grief, confusion.  Often we hestitate to step away in self care,  because we don't want to feel our own uncomfortable feelings.  It can become easier to deal with abuse or near abuse... .  then to deal with our own feelings.

Take comfort, her issues are NOT your fault. You are not responsible for her feelings or her reactions. You cannot fix her feelings and reactions.  Your committment would NOT have fixed one tiny little thing... .  it would have exacerbated a unhealthy dynamic. You cannot fix her, you are not that powerful.

You are not responsbile for her.

You ARE responsbile for yourself and your own feelings and your own life choices.  Learning about BPD and what abuse is or looks like,  can be helpful and is a step... .  but what is even more helpful is learning we can say no, and we can and should take really good care of ourselves... .  it doesn't have to get to the point of 'abuse' to have permission and ownership in our own self care and our own lives.  

In these relationships, both people often are not taking very good of themselves, their own lives, feelings, and choices etc.

This then isn't about blaming ourselves or making everything our fault... .  again, we just aren't that powerful where other people are concerned.  It eventually moves from blame and the study of abuse... .  to learning and developing better life skills for ourselves.

 

[recoil]

MaybeSo,

Thanks for writing this.  Your words to the OP really resonated with me and my own situation. 

I extricated myself from an unhealthy relationship.  I often have doubts.  I still think I could save both of us if she'd try just a little harder.  It's all based on false hope though.

I have saved myself (six weeks out) -- and I'm OK with it (dealing with all these pesky feelings now).  These words sort of gave me permission, in a way, to accept what I did as the right thing.  The right thing to do isn't always the easy thing to do.

Thank you so much.

[willy45]

Hi MaybeSo,

Thank you so much for the thoughtful response. And it certainly struck a chord.

Yes. The long-distance would drive anyone nuts. It drove me nuts. She would always tell me that the long-distance was causing her to behave the way she did and I would always tell her I wanted the long-distance to stop. I did. I did want to move down with her. I would go down to be with her and spend weeks with her and there would always be some kind of blow up. She would rage at me for all kinds of things, rolling over in bed, watching a basketball game, making her wait at the airport, who knows what... .  all kinds of things. And she would always blame her behavior on the long-distance relationship and, by proxy, me for not moving down to be with her.

But, here is the crux. I didn't want to. I knew she was trouble. I knew that the raging and the yelling wasn't OK with me. I knew her crying fits and her despair were too much for me to deal with. I knew her sleeping disorder that forced me to sleep on the floor every night wasn't something I could live with. I knew her constant stress, her workaholic nature, her constant drama were not good for me. I knew that. But I kept going back thinking it was somehow going to be different. I would leave and vow never to come back in my mind. But I always went back. I kept thinking... .  OK. Maybe this time it will be different. It never was.

Here is where I am getting stuck.

1) I would tell her I was going to move in with her. But, it was always conditional on us not fighting (I should have known then to call a spade a spade and say it was conditional on her not raging at me... .  there is a big difference). That condition was never met. Ever.

2) I knew I wasn't committed to her and feel guilty for not breaking it off sooner and/or not getting involved in the first place. There we so many red flags. A million of them. And before I got involved with her, I was aware of them and knew to myself to stay away. But I didn't. I got sucked in by the crazy sex. And then the guilt of using her. And then the guilt of cutting her out of my life. Now, I feel an enormous amount of guilt for not just walking away.

And you are right. It is my fault for not walking away when things were out of control. I should have done that at the first sign of her abusive actions. Or at least the second. Not the 100th. And this is after having things get so bad that I would hide under the bed from her.

And yes. I never really understood why she thought raging at me to commit to her was going to work. That was very puzzling. When I was supposed to move in, I was going to make two trips down. I was going to bring one stack of stuff one trip and another stack another. On the first trip down, I brought a bunch of my stuff and was going to stay for the weekend. She raged at me worse than she ever had before. I finally lost it and told her to F OFF after three days of her calling me an ___hole.

But, I guess my part is that I didn't set my boundaries and stick to them. I certainly told her what they were. But, I let her walk all over them. Repeatedly. Except for one. I wasn't going to move cities to be with her unless she stopped raging at me. There was only one trip I can remember when she didn't rage at me. But, that was 3 years ago. Every subsequent trip after that, she raged at me. And most trip it was more than once. It was every 2 or 3 days. I guess I set my boundary.

I wish I could just hold onto that though. I wish I could stop blaming myself for her behavior. I'm getting there. And yes, I am not that powerful. And, despite the long distance, I never raged at her. Ever. So, I guess it is possible that another mode of operating can exist in stressful situations, one in which people talk to each other and try to understand each other. Not the raging at someone until they submit to your will. You are right. That would never work on me. I'm not sure who it would work on. But certainly not good enough for me.

[mango_flower]

I understand the compulsion.

Do you think it helps?  It helps me understand, and understand how much she truly did love me, she just couldn't handle a relationship with a healthy person... .  but it also makes me sad, as it helps me  understand she has reasons for behaving the way she does. 

It's a definite sign of PTSD to obsess over something... .  are you being treated for this? x

[willy45]

Thanks Mango_Flower,

I do find it helps sometimes. Sometimes I think it is just a way for me to hold onto her. I know that sounds perverse... .  but I get the sense that this is just another way to hold on to her. Despite reading all this stuff about emotional abuse and checking everything off the list in terms of agreeing that she did all the things that are considered emotional abuse, I still keep going back over and over and over again.

I guess I am trying to keep myself from going into that space where I think she is the greatest thing that ever lived and how I am a complete idiot for breaking it off with her. That is a really bad place for me. It makes me super depressed. So, maybe reading all this stuff keeps me from going to that place.

Maybe one day, I will just be able to accept that the relationship and her behavior were just not acceptable to me and that I did what I needed to do to protect myself. It is really hard though. I keep blaming myself.

[healingmyheart]

As I sit on this board going onto 4 weeks and read and read about BPD, I also wonder how much is too much?  When does it become unhealthy?  At what point do you say enough is enough.  It's impossible to move forward as long as you are engrossed in this material. 

I think for me its about confirmation that indeed my ex did/does have BPD.  The more I read, the more I am convinced of that.  Without a formal diagnosis and wanting to know for sure that I'm not the crazy one here, somehow I seem to need that validation.

But when is it to the point of being unhealthy?  When do you let go... .  

[bb12]

IMHO... .  there is no problem with it per se

that being said, there comes a point where we need to move on from the 'understanding' phase

I don't think new information is harmful. It is neutral by definition. But are we applying that information in meaningful and positive ways or to reinforce negative beliefs we have of ourselves?

Our reaction to the treatment of pwBPD is not new. They have simply flipped the scab off some very old wounds or served to confirm ridiculous, useless, negative opinions we have of ourselves.

So the reading does need to stop at some stage. And the online research and venting too.

We need to detach and depersonalise everything we thought their discarding of us meant. We need to explore the invalidation or accusations of our parents, and as adults... .  for the first time, negate them. Let that scared inner child off the hook.

The focus needs to come off the reading and research and firmly onto us, our FOO, and proactively working to flip the silly self-flagellation that is at the heart of our BPD trauma.

In this regard, it's not them... .  it's us! And no amount of web trawling and online support can help.

That part is a solo journey

BB12

[BeHappyAgain]

johnnyorganic

I guess I blame myself because I wasn't committed to her.

Thats just BS they say to shift the blame away from them.

Don't drink the cool aid! As they say in America... (did I get that right?  )

Here's something that may help you STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP by helping you to stop believing the old  'lack of commitment' accusation she laid on you.

Mine pulled the plug abruptly in Feb 2011 (one of many times of course) and cited the LOC routine that yours has.

Well I swallowed it hook line and sinker! I beat myself up day and night for months, lost weight, lost motivation, time off work, full blown depression (fueled largely by the self blame of believing it was my fault).

[She'd had the replacement lined up for a few weeks I later found out, so LOC was just a convenient 'reason' she pulled out of the air].

Anyway... she comes back for a recycle in July 2011.

Not not knowing anything about BPD at the time, I thought she'd had a moment of clarity and realised she loved me.

(Haha as I write this 'Tell me lies tell  me sweet little lies is playing on the radio downstairs   anyway I digress... .  )

Fool that I WAS (not am) - I bought a pricey engagement ring and proposed on Christmas eve 2011.

No more lack of commitment from me!

Well all was ok for about six months until the day after the engagement party.

What followed was 9 months of devaluation, emotional and physical witholding and a couple more horrible recycles until a final abrupt detachment on Christmas Day 2012.

The 'engagement' lasted a year and a day.

What I'm trying to impress on you rj is that YES,the whole thing is very stressful - but please don't add too it by believing her horrible selfish, childish attempts at blame shifting.

BPD is a disorder of relating. So even if you do get close and offer commitment - that in itself will often be a trigger for them!

They will pull away no matter what you do or what you did.

They are not wired for lasting intimacy and closeness.

They talk about about commitment constantly though because they are looking for each new infatuation target to be the one to rescue them from (what they know on some level), is an unhealthy relating pattern.

Yes they are all different - but to an extent they run on rails too.

You've no doubt seen similar stories on these boards.

You could have given her a gold plated Rolls Royce, but once she's entering the hater stage - nothing will be enough!

Don't beat yourself up - Pick yourself up 

[laelle]

I think websites sometimes are overly critical as they portray a BPD as a conscious less monster.  I think that its important tho to understand the manipulation, domination, and influence that one can steadily gain over a person over a period of time.  Its slow and opportunistic.  I dont really think its intentional, its a survival need for control and self inflation.  The more control they have the more regulated their life is.

They dont have to worry about being abandoned or engulfed if they are calling all the shots.  I would listen to credible websites, but understand that its not all of what they are.  Only the bad stuff.

[MaybeSo]

Rjh45,

The woman was screaming and raging at you nearly everytime you went to visit. This is CLEARLY not healthy! Are you not at least curious about why you didn't find this unacceptable sooner? If the answer is, well the sex and idealization were so good in-between the abuse, aren't you concerned about that for yourself? Don't you matter more than that?

There is nothing inherently wrong with educating yourself about a mental illness like BPD.

What gets lost too often in the fixation on the identified patient, is a complete lack of understanding about our own inherent issues.

Almost always, there is an addiction to these folks, that gets mistaken for love. It's an emotional dependency on the disordered individual that keeps us stuck and fixated on them. There are a wealth of titalating articles and forums on BPD because it's a fascinating topic and it gets a lot of dramatic press and attention.

But if that is your sole fucus, you are not learning about yourself, and it can be like trading one addiction (the relationship with her) for another (a preoccupation with her disorder).

Where are you in all this?

Are you working to gain a better understanding of your own dependency issues? Are you learning how important it is to take care of yourself and not substitute your own self care with the highs and lows of this addictive kind of experience?

The healing has to at some point begin with a focus in you, not her.

Otherwise, you will very likely... X Ooops!... .  Find another woman with more BPD traits to keep the focus off you and make life exciting again.

If we have the time to read all about BPD we have the time to start learning about our own traits, especially emotional codependence and also our own immature beliefs regarding romantic relationships.

[jaird]

Hi rjh,

I was in the same boat(s)-long distance, asking her to show me a week or two of calm, kind and supportive and I would move by her or in with her. She could never do even a week or two. She even said "I just can't do calm". We broke up three months ago, her choice, as she felt I was never coming to be with her. Now that I am moving a few hours away from her, she is alternately contacting me, in denial that I am moving, trying to orchestrate my move, and see me apparently to determine if the new "hard" her still has feelings for me.

I also read quite, extensively, every blog, website and forum I could find about BPD for two months, day and night. All it did for me was give me an outlet to vent about how she mistreated me, and to see that there were many other people experiencing the same thing. I shouldn't say "all it did", because that was enough and helped my healing process. But after two months, enough was enough. I learned what I wish I had realized before-BPD is a serious disorder, and people do not get better without extensive therapy. In fact, as least as far as my ex goes, they get worse with stress, and you see the uglier parts of them come out more.

Listen to Clearmind, he has some good insights. 

Reading and ruminating about how you were mistreated is all part of the healing process. I think you'll know when you've had enough. And you'll realize you can't fix them, and you deserve better treatment.

[fromheeltoheal]

Learning about BPD was a godsend to me.  Not knowing anything about it when I ended the relationship, it was easy to doubt and blame myself.  I wasn't perfect by any stretch, but learning about the disorder allowed me to see much more clearly what I was responsible for, and what she was, with much more sanity.

But you're right, there is a time for learning and processing, and a time for moving on; only you can determine where you are in the healing process.  I'm starting to move on and don't need to read as much, but sometimes going back to the writings recenters me; it's a process that isn't linear.

[willy45]

MaybeSo,

Yes. You are completely right. The sex and idealization was so good in-between the abuse. And yes. That is of concern to me! For sure. I am certainly working on understanding my own dependency issues. I have a few (including smoking which I desperately want to quit). 

And yes. I was addicted to the sex. But the sex wasn't great all the time. It was great maybe 30% of the time. I got hooked on it at the beginning and although it dwindled off, I was still addicted and looking for the next high. And I would put up with her yelling and raging and super odd behavior for the sex.

I do wish there were more sites to help people who have these issues. There seem to be a ton of sites out there on BPD. And I agree, they are interesting. But I haven't found much by way of working through my kinds of issues. This site has been great though in terms of a forum and a place for support. And I have been going to therapy. And that has helped a bunch.

Thanks for the note. Very helpful. 

[jaird]

I am sorry, I referred to Clearmind as he, and I see by the little icon that she is a woman.

My bad!