Looking for people who understand

[annagn]

After reading through the boards, I find that I have come across very few people here who have had BPD fathers, as I have. Many of you have posted about your mothers, but I feel it is a different experience when its the other gender of parent. So, if you have a father with BPD could you just share a little bit? It would be nice to know I am not alone in feeling its a little different.

[GeekyGirl]

You're not alone for sure; I've seen a number of members here with NPD/BPD fathers. Is there something specific you'd like to talk about?

[isshebpd]

Well, speaking as the son of a mother who probably has BPD, I guess the most important thing would be not repeating my Dad's mistake. Apparently, many sons in my situation end up with a BPD (w/NPD traits) woman even though they're probably 2 or 3% of the population (this is based on various articles I've read, so correct me if I'm wrong). I wouldn't be surprised if the daughters of BPD (w/NPD traits) fathers often end with men with similar problems.

[Clearmind]

My father is uBPD. He has mellowed now he is in his 60's - as a child the mood swings, drinking and raging was a little too much to bear.

How is it for you Anna?

[optimismandlove]

Hu anna, clearmind and geeky girl

I am a newbie and I grew up in a dysfunctional family where the entire unjverse revolved around my alcoholic, abusive, disciplinarian, father who himself was beaten up physically and verbally by his mother in the 1940'swhen his father was away in the war.  Hewas the scapegoat child and he is still raging about how unfairly he was treated and uses it as an excuse for his lifetime of abusive behaviour.

My mother feeds this copping out and has been mothering him her whole life.   As children we never stood a chance of being cared for, regarded as important or people to be enjoyed.   

God forbid if we ever suffered an ailment or serious illness.   It was a competition we always lost.   He won every time.

We were never validated.

Just scorned, ridiculed, beaten.   Mainly me as I was the eldest and I stood up to him so bore the brunt of the abuse.  I have posted some other posts on this.

I have a lot of anger towards my mother for not standing up to him and protecting me.

She always brushed it under the carpet and got drunk each night  to block it out but as a child I had no such escape.  Incidentally, they are still stuck in the same dance.   She gets drunker than him to block out his nightly tirades.  I never visit after 5pm, the start of the drinking.  By 7pm they are incoherent.

I was completely  alone with the abuse and shame as a child.   No safe place to go to. No safe person to share with.

Had to publicly defend my father who was unpopular as a strict teacher.

Had to mirror my mothers words that he was a very good teacher and very dedicated and hence his misbehaviour was warranted.   The "good" supposedly outweighed the "bad"

I grew up internally raging at the unfairness of it all and the invisibility of "me" with a small 'm'

I have made peace the best I can in my mind and realise the limitations of people who are untreated for mental illness. 

I am also very sure my mother was sexually abused by an adopted brother who ended up incarcerated.  He is cut out of all childhood photos and she speaks with vehement hatred of him.  I have observed her odd reactions to news of childhood abuse and am 99percent sure that is what occurredand that my father rescued her and therefore she is always "indebted" to him.

I understand it and am very sad but forgive her

It has come as quite a shock to realise I am in a relationship with an uBPD but it makes sense.

Once again I am the caretaker of emotions, manager of chaos, parent.

All so familiar but now I have insight and understanding g and boundaries

I am sad for the lost childhood but I am catching up and enjoying being playful and having fun with my own children

I also know the sadness of my partner not being allowed to be a child.

His childhood was far worse than mine.   

He lost his home in a warzone and his father was a General.  He survived in a church with his mother,emigratedto safety as a 5 yo then was set upon by his new schoolmates when he didnt even know a word of English.

The bullying continued his whole life and his father pinned all his hopes on his genius son

He was beaten if he didnt achieve straight A's and learned to conceal errors and failures and disappointments.

His beloved mother was forced to 'abandon' him to work leaving him responsible for his young sister.  They were not permitted to make noise or havefunbecause the father worked niggt shifts.

He hated his new life in a new country.

He has never received any therapy and is too scared to as he is a medical professional and is fearful he will be mandatorily reported.

He has a skewed fear of seeking treatment

I am trying to encourage him toseek help under a pseudonym

Anyway i am optimistic and armed with insight and knowledge

[Clearmind]

  optimismandlove

Much of your post rings true for me optimismandlove. Alcoholic parents are a law unto themselves.

I experienced drunken tirades a lot when I was a kid. My brother got it worse than me – and I vividly remember the stand over tactics, literally, over my brother. He would have my brother cowered down in a corner and my father would just lay into him – in a rage.

It is all very traumatizing and it takes work to move through it.

I never visit after 5pm, the start of the drinking.  By 7pm they are incoherent.

I have the very same boundary. I don’t call or answer the phone after 5 either.  I don’t visit his house at night at all – He no longer is physically abusive because we are too old now – but he does have a tendency to ridicule – his GF now bears the brunt of that.

I was completely  alone with the abuse and shame as a child.   No safe place to go to. No safe person to share with.

Very true! Now as adults we build that safe place with good boundaries.

I have made peace the best I can in my mind and realise the limitations of people who are untreated for mental illness. 

What process did you go through optimismandlove?

It has come as quite a shock to realise I am in a relationship with an uBPD but it makes sense.

Once again I am the caretaker of emotions, manager of chaos, parent.

Yes, it was a relationship with a Borderline that brought me here.

Now knowing my history, I am not surprised a r/s that mirrors my childhood.

All the very best to us in our healing.

[optimismandlove]

Thank you for your welcome and your sharing, clearmind.  We are somewhat kindred souls.

What we would have given to have had other children like ourselves to talk to as we endured our "childhoods"

I do not have anger in me now, just sadness at the wasted potential of people who are untreated for the mental anguish that plagues them.

I have always been self reliant and resilient as the instability of my father led us to move often.  I attended a total of 15 schools.

I am my own best friend and have forgiven myself for my rebellious behaviour when I escaped from my fathers clutches at 18.   I no longer feel ashamed for my promiscuity and see it for what it was.  A desperate attempt to assure myself that I was attractive, lovable, fun, clever and worthy of special attention. 

To be honest, in some way I think it did help me to feel better about myself.  And remember the late 80' s was a time when it was quite acceptable to "express yourself" as Madonna said!

After a few wild years with dangerous exciting people i settled down and perhaps entered a self imposed period of "abstinence" from wild behaviour by entering into a relationship with a "safe" and "secure"  (slightly boring)  man who became my husband and father of my two sons. We stayed together for 18 years.

Sadly, our physical relationship fizzled out very quickly and my two children were miracles.  I

Was celibate for over 10 years!     I repressed a big part of me.   I had opportunities to be with fascinating clever men I met at work but was 100percent loyal (and unhappy) and felt it was my duty and punishment to stay in the relationship.

I didnt leave until I was 39 and after many attempts to reconnect (he was an emotional flatliner) I left when I finally felt attraction to a man again. 

I had a severe health scare with a dependent baby at 38 and my husband gave me zero support.  Kept flying overseas to work and leaving me alone with a baby and an 8yo and no family support and I weighed 42kgand couldnt eat.  A very very scary time. Had throat seizures after choking on a large tablet which lasted over 6 months.  Had to liquefy my food and was also breastfeeding.  Absolute nightmare.

I really felt like I was dying and although I am not religiousI am spiritual.  i made a pact with the life force to get well, get strong, not rely on anyone but myself and to follow my heart and I promised to myself that I would leave the relationship when this occurred and it did.

I have always been drawn to psychology and read a lot of books and articles and have consulted a few over my life.

I have lived away from my family for most of my adult life and have been forced to forge my own way in the world.  All this has helped me to become me, stand on my own two feet.  I am adaptable and a survivor and I have helped many friends back from the brink of suicide.  I think survivors have an innate ability to heal others.  We recognise souls in distress and instinctively are drawn to them and guide them if we can.

I have worked in welfare but burnt out from the bureaucracy and politics.

I speak my mind and am quite fearless.

I am doing my best to be a good example to my sons and am encouraging them to pursue their own personal interests and goals.

My son is in final year of secondary school and will attend uni next year.   He is naturally clever, very single minded and passionate about music.  I embrace who he is and will support him whatever path he chooses.   In other words, everything my own father wasnt to me.

This is empowering and healing and very rewarding.   

My father (and my doctor partner) is shocked that i havent  made my son do the traditional maths science subjects that clever kids usually do and that I allow him to travel to cities to attend music festivals but this is his passion. And we have found some fantastic music industry courses that he needs to audition for later in the year.

I guess I am rambling a bit but I think what I am trying to say is I am living true to myself and therefore able to accept and forgive my family for their own limitations.   I am sad they werent brave enough to change but that is their choice and I cant change that.

It came as a surprise to me to learn my partner is uBPD but is now making sense.   Kind of familiar territory.  Since its been out in the open this week he has been a lot calmer.

Although I am concerned he maybe gambling to conjure his outstanding tax payment.

I have accepted I can not change this and will step back and let whatever happens take its course.

Just keep myself and my sons safe.

It is very sad but he must come to the realisation himself that he needs or wants help managing the chaotic emotions and inappropriate reactions that continue to cause him more distress and harm.

I finally feel free

[Clearmind]

Wow! Yes I can completely agree with you that becoming a survivor is certainly a carry over from childhood.

I have feverishly built myself up my whole life - more money, more property, more savings! If there is one thing my father required of me - was to build worth - be independent financially. This is what he has done for himself.

I have sacrificed a LOT chasing my fathers dream . So much so, I’m got tired. I was fine concentrating on me as long as I was “doing” and “advancing”. When it came to showing myself emotional kindness and compassion – I felt guilt. This is where I fixed Borderlines. I fell back into the “being useful” category – required of my father – faulty belief that to be worthy was also to be “always available” for everyone’s woes.

I spent my childhood being useful. I don’t want to be defined by my usefulness any longer. It has taken time to move from Survivor – Thriver – A person who is way more occupied looking after myself and protecting my needs/values.

It’s not to say I don’t have empathy for others – however I have now come to accept that others need to learn the hard lessons I have – on their own. Big difference between supporting and enabling.

I have a ways to go – re-learning a whole different way of relating to myself takes time. While I transition – I really do try to be compassionate towards myself. Without compassion I can be a hard ass.

[optimismandlove]

Hi clearmind

I hear younloud and clear.

Its so liberating to finally understand why we rescue pwBPD and to set ourselves free from people pleasing.

Great to hear you are transitioning to thriving and learning to let go of the "guilt" in being kind to yourself

I totally get it.

Incidentally once you were able to identify your pattern of attraction towards fixing pwBPD how long did it take you to extricate yourself?

I am in the process of gradual extrication and am seing my psychologist today for support and guidance