Critical of everyone

[XL]

One thing I need to vent on:

My mother is critical of everyone. We have a big family on both sides, and she never has anything nice to say about anyone. A cousin could finish a PhD and she'd deride how long it took. Fights people had 30 years ago. Small kids being annoying for even introducing themselves. I hate it because she's artificially bubbly and affectionate to their faces. I'm realizing how pervasive and nasty this world view is, and trying not to participate any more.

Some normal families I hang around do this a lot too. It's just unnecessary and low class.

I also realize how many people she's just cut out. She takes sides in fights she wasn't even involved in, picks a winner, and will disown the other. I was really mad when she did that to my grandparents and put me in a care taker position when they were elderly. I got shoved into the "parental" role in that circumstance, and I'm still pissed. I was doing hospice care because she was too cowardly to make amends with her in laws. She just decided they were evil and they died without ever hearing from her again. It broke my heart that they'd both ask about her, ask me to have her call, wish she could visit.

What a sad way to live.

[GeekyGirl]

It's very hard to be around someone who's constantly negative. It can be very draining. When your mother starts criticizing someone, how do you respond?

What you went through with your grandparents must have been very painful. I'm sure it was difficult to hear them ask for your mother and know that your mother wasn't speaking to them, while you were grieving (or anticipating grieving) at the same time. It was very kind of you to take care of them. When your mother cuts people out of her life, how do you avoid the Karpman Triangle? PERSPECTIVES: Conflict dynamics / Karpman Triangle

[XL]

I think I just change the subject. I notice there's a real habit of doing this, even with the normal people in our family.  

It's one thing if someone does something stupid, but I can't stand the mocking of other people's joy. Example: my middle aged cousin started playing in a band, and it's a "stupid midlife crisis".  I just don't appreciate the slamming of people's healthy activities and interests.

My partner's parents do this too, more in a cultural way and less of a crazy way. I get annoyed when my partner does it too. It's an immature way of relating to the world.

[XL]

I'm pissed this week too: some guy cut me off in traffic, and I made a quip of "look at this fat &*%$". Which I got scolded for, from people who spent a two hour dinner bad mouthing every single relative we have.

I'm tired of people who bully, and then play the victim card when it applies to them.

[InaMinorRole]

When people bad mouth other people the people they're talking to are perfectly aware that they are the targets when they're not present. It just makes people dislike the negative person. Why would people get involved in these negativity sessions knowing it will be them targeted next time?

[XL]

Exactly. And I flip my lid when people do it to kids. There is a real anti-small child attitude in all my family circles, and it's not necessary. I don't even LIKE kids, and it makes me mad I'm the voice of reason. Even the little little kids are "weird looking" or "too friendly" or "bizarre".

Are you really competing for attention... .  with a 5 year old?

[GeekyGirl]

Exactly. And I flip my lid when people do it to kids.

Your mother appears to be critical of everyone, which is driven by her own insecurity. I can imagine how frustrating it is to hear that constant criticism. Did she do that to you as a child? Is that why you're more upset when children are criticized?

As you know, you can't control what your mother says or does. Even though it's probably very hurtful to hear her comments, what can you do to keep your stress and frustration levels down when she starts to berate someone else?