How to share value - respect for body (no sexting) gives respect for self

[qcarolr]

DD sat on phone, so got her replacement. she wanted to move pictures on old phone to new phone. I was helping her. She got this   look and said - but don't look at the pictures some are XXX rated.

I have awareness for many years that DD has shared her body in many ways that disrepect this gift, and to me shows the low level of self she has.

Is there a way to have a conversation with her about how showing our bodies respect and care - like the 'private parts and modesty' talk I have had with gd recently - helps us build respect for ourselves. Or is this just asking for a meltdown? It would have to come when DD initiates a similar topic - about having to say no to homeless guys hitting on her now that she is 'single' again. And how disgusted she seems to be with this - that she is worth more than this. She has this value inside - so why does she send the nude pixs of herself?

qcr  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

These are attention seeking behaviors that pay off.  If she is "wanted" then she is valuable.

She will feel judged if confronted.

Is there a way to have this conversation about valuing self without talking directly about the sexting?

[peaceplease]

qcr,

I don't know how you can go about that without her feeling shame and judged.   She did not want you to see her pics, so it is something tht she is not comfortable sharing pictures with you.

Perhaps a comment about a celebrety on tv.(during a celebrety gossip show)  Even Dancing with the Stars shows a lot of inappropriate dress and/or behavior.  That show is on tonight.  It is one of my mom's favorites, but she does not like the scanty clothing.

I know that in the past,I have found some pictures of my dd in her underwear, on her phone.  At the time, I let her know that was  highly inappropriate and would come back to haunt her.  She told me that she did not send it to anyone, but she was taking pictures to give her motivation to lose weight.?  I know that she was embarrased.  

Even currently, my dd still posts pictures of herself on FB.  Not really inappropriate, but too many pics of self.  I notice that there are a few that do the same thing.  I guess it is a self esteem thing.  They want others to comment on how good they look.  One of her friends even commented on how she suffered from low self esteem.  

Thing with the inappropriate pics is once they are sent to someone, they can be viewed by many others.  That is what is really scary about sending those photos.   Some one that is dangerous may happen to come across the photo!

Thinking of you and keeping you in prayers.  

 

peaceplease  

[griz]

I think these are all great ideas and you can also maybe focus on good examples on TV and in the media.  My DD loves Audrey Hepburn and Anne Hathaway.  I never miss an opportunity to mention how classy and ladylike they are.  Maybe even you could find a celebrity or person in the media wearing something that is appropriate and say, wow she reminds me of you in that picture. I bet you would look great in an outfit like that.

Just a thought.

Griz

[Being Mindful]

I'm not sure exactly of the law, but we refused to pay for any phone or have our name associated with a phone that contained inappropriate pictures on it. We did not want to put ourselves at risk for porn on a phone. It didn't matter if our d. didn't send them to anyone. It crossed our boundary and put us at risk.

Being Mindful

[Thursday]

q,

Not sure if there is a way you can instill greater value for self. We have tried many ways to help my BPDSD21 with this concept.

When she was a teen we found out she was sending innappropriate pictures of herself both over the internet and with her phone. She never admitted that she was doing anything that was worrisome... .  sometimes she would lie and say she was just curious as to how she looked (half naked) and other times she tried to minimize the outcome.

She hardly ever let go of her phone but several times we gained access to her phone and there were ALWAYS photos of her naked breasts. There was also an indication she was sending these photos to any boy that asked. Very scary.

She still dresses very inappropriately with her breasts over exposed. Currently, she likes tops with cut outs on the shoulders. She is so overweight and these tops only accentuate how out of shape she is.

My nonDD and I have had many conversations in front of her to indicate how "people feel" about women who degrade themselves in this way. We have pointed out girls with too much cleavage and said snarky things about them, hoping that SD would be able to see herself in our comments. SD is not very good at inference or in seeing herself in others.

NonDD is a pretty "rabid" feminist and she will always make a comment about a "hero" that is really a "zero"... .  just to let SD see another perspective.

SD is jealous of an older girl who has the interest of a boy she likes. This older girl is heavily tattooed and dresses very "hootchy" and when SD makes a negative comment about this girl's "fake boobs" I will try to make a comment about the girl's lack of self-esteem. SD will say this girl has great self-esteem and I will comment that it looks to me like the girl is hiding how she really feels about herself, have told her that sometimes very attractive women have the same insecurities as we do.

SD's Dad has been less subtle. He will say something to her directly and she simply glares or gets angry.

I think really all you can do is set a good example and let your ideas be known. There is no excuse for this behavior but it has become a part of our culture. Until young women band together and speak out about this it will continue... .  the tide will turn sooner or later. I just hope not too much damage is done to these young women in the meantime. Of course, there will always be a part of our culture, even when change happens, that will cling to these activities, these morals, these values.

Maybe a one-shot explaination of your concerns... .  and then let it drop. "My concerns are this, my concerns come from a loving place, my concerns may be old-fashioned, however,... .  " I would give it a try.

Remember though, what motivates our kids with BPD sometimes isn't rational or smart. When my SD gets attention for over exposing her body, she  gets attention. And that is all she wants, needs, sees, feels, cares about. Until something good fills her up, she seeks the bad.

And it's better to focus on helping her to find the good stuff than to focus on what she is doing wrong.

Thursday

[crazedncrazymom]

Since she is older I would just talk with her as a friend.  If I saw that on a friends phone I'd just be like... wow!  You gotta be careful with sending out those naked pics girl!  Don't you know that once someone gets hold of a pic like that it might be all over the internet for the rest of your life?  Since she's an adult it's her choice and the consequences of that choice will fall directly on her and possibly her daughter, so you may just mention that when her daughter is older people will be looking at naked pics of her mommy.  Would she really want people seeing naked pics of you?  Talk about embarrassing.