Making peace with it all - thoughts?

[mango_flower]

I've said a few times now that my sweet girl no longer exists.  She has been taken over by this new persona, who I don't know and don't like much.

Whether she EVER existed is another matter, and I don't even want to think about that.

But it feels like a bereavement to me... .  my sweet girl is no more.

So I was wondering:

Has anyone ever gone back and made peace with it all?

I have in my head that I want to re-visit places... .  I want to go to where I proposed to her (after she had proposed to me first, but that was on holiday, nowhere near here).

I want to go back to where I got down on one knee, promised to love her forever... .  I want to go back and stand there, remember that day, and to cry, silently promise that I will always love her in my own way, and say my goodbyes.

I want to go back to where we used to sit by the lake and take a picnic in the summer.

I want to go back to all the places we frequented, and say goodbye to that life.  A final goodbye.

Even if it hurts... .  I am sure I will sob my heart out, wondering "what if".

But I feel I need to do it, I need closure.

Is this a weird idea?

I want my best friend to come with me - she has been with me through the whole thing and she is amazing.

I want to say goodbye to my sweet girl, remember the good times and re-live them one final time before I try to shut that door.

Because to me this DOES feel like a bereavement.

Has anyone done this?

Does it work?

Is it a bad idea?

Thank you x

[clairedair]

Hi mango_flower

I think this kind of thing can be useful if it really is a 'goodbye' and won't keep you connected in some way by reminding you of the good stuff.  Are you at that stage yet?

I gave away my wedding dress and we reconciled within weeks.  Went to a significant place on one of our anniversaries as a kind of ritual - reconciled within months.  Packed up items - then unpacked them when we got back together.  He had a kind of church service to remember good times/mark a new beginning, divorced me then wanted to get back together.

I wasn't really ready to say goodbye.  I was forcing it in a futile attempt to try to move me on more quickly so I wouldn't feel so grief-stricken.

It is like a bereavement but with the added pain of the 'body' still keeping in touch with you once a week or so.  You're the only one who'll know where you are with this and if you are ready to 'shut the door'.  Can you do that when you are still in contact with her so frequently?

Good to hear that you've got a friend who'll support you.

[mango_flower]

Hi mango_flower

I think this kind of thing can be useful if it really is a 'goodbye' and won't keep you connected in some way by reminding you of the good stuff.  Are you at that stage yet?

I gave away my wedding dress and we reconciled within weeks.  Went to a significant place on one of our anniversaries as a kind of ritual - reconciled within months.  Packed up items - then unpacked them when we got back together.  He had a kind of church service to remember good times/mark a new beginning, divorced me then wanted to get back together.

I wasn't really ready to say goodbye.  I was forcing it in a futile attempt to try to move me on more quickly so I wouldn't feel so grief-stricken.

It is like a bereavement but with the added pain of the 'body' still keeping in touch with you once a week or so.  You're the only one who'll know where you are with this and if you are ready to 'shut the door'.  Can you do that when you are still in contact with her so frequently?

Good to hear that you've got a friend who'll support you.

Hi Claire I'm not sure if I'm at that stage yet.  Sometimes I think yes, most of the time no. So I guess I'll wait.  But hopefully it's a good idea in theory.

We will never get back together - too much pain.  And she never goes back.  And also, is engaged!

It's definitely like a bereavement (though I don't mean to trivialise those who have lost loved ones)

I almost wish she would leave me alone and stop trying to be friends... .  but I can handle it for now! x

[Cumulus]

Hi mango, it wouldn't be a good idea for me, it would only trigger painful memories rather then helping me put them to rest. I found there was a lot of grieving I had to do and I hear the same from you. We aren't just grieving the end of a relationship. We're grieving for a person who never existed. I'm not sure how you feel but I also am grieving for a past that was stolen from me by lies, I'm grieving for future plans that are now gone, I'm grieving for the faith and trust that was taken. To go back and revisit places that held such strong happy memories for me would twist my feelings around into believing that I loved the man in my mind again. I find I have to stay focused on my present life, trying to make a few new plans for my future so I have something to look forward to. The past, I'll never know how much was lie and what was truth, I have to leave it behind.

[mango_flower]

Thank you Cumulus for your views   I like hearing all perspectives.

We aren't just grieving the end of a relationship. We're grieving for a person who never existed. I'm not sure how you feel but I also am grieving for a past that was stolen from me by lies, I'm grieving for future plans that are now gone, I'm grieving for the faith and trust that was taken.

This bit of your post rang so true for me. Sometimes it's so hard to explain to people why you're still grieving when they can all see the flaws in your ex... .  

So it's good to be able to "steal" lines from here to help them understand x

[Cumulus]

Just now read your last post mango re bereavement and not trivializing it for those who lost loved ones. I read something that seemed so wise to me. It went like this, when you lose your spouse from death it's like a sharp knife sliced through the two of you, when you lose your spouse from divorce it's like a jagged edged knife has sawn you apart. Loss is loss, it always hurts. 

[WT]

Just now read your last post mango re bereavement and not trivializing it for those who lost loved ones. I read something that seemed so wise to me. It went like this, when you lose your spouse from death it's like a sharp knife sliced through the two of you, when you lose your spouse from divorce it's like a jagged edged knife has sawn you apart. Loss is loss, it always hurts.  

That quote is incredibly insightful and is exactly how I feel.

mango_flower: In regards to the original plan for saying goodbye to the places that were special, my ex and I used to go to a particular amusement park very frequently (it's actually where we shared our first kiss), and I plan to start visiting this park again with new people and redefining the happy memories that I'll associate with it.  Visiting the places that I shared intimately close moments with my ex with the purpose of saying goodbye to these places would be very hard for me even though I'm well past the point of acceptance.  I don't know that I'll be able to simply let go of my old memories, but having new happy memories to mix in with them should make things easier.