I did something stupid

[marshmallowgirl]

So my udBPDh decided to rage all over our children (ages 11 and 13).  He was going on and on.  In a moment of stupidity I taped it with the iPad.  Even dumber was the fact I didn't delete it.  I am not sure why I did it in the first place.  I think originally I wanted him to see what a jerk he was being.  Anyway... .  he found the video.  I apologized. I realize it was dumb and childish.  He is giving me the semi silent treatment now.  I am also painted black.  ":)on't I reallize that HE is the only one teaching the children anything".  "He is the only one protecting our children from what is out there".  I really don't know how to handle this one.  My only reprieve is that I had to go to work tonight and I don't have to be home to handle his silence.  Don't know what tomorrow will bring.

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[Rockylove]

   Don't be so hard on yourself, marshmallowgirl!  There have been many many times when I've thought of doing the very same thing~~and probably would have if I'd had the means! 

We don't have any young children, but he does it to our dogs and to me.  I can handle it when he's raging at me, but the poor dogs have no idea wth is going on.  I can only imagine that the momma bear would come out in me if my kids were on the receiving end of it. 

Protect your kiddos in every way that you know how.  He may think he's protecting your kids from "what is out there" but you need to protect them from what is "in your home"~~I always say enjoy the silence... .  at least your not being screamed at and berated!

[marshmallowgirl]

Thanks Rockylove... .  My momma bear is usually reigned in and my girls are at the brunt of his emotions. They don't understand and I don't know how to explain it to them.  After this incident I had to really think about whether its me with the problem.

[Rockylove]

After this incident I had to really think about whether its me with the problem.

I know that there are times when my big mouth is part of the problem!     After all, I'm human and I will at times react instead of act.  My fiance will say something horrid and then walk out of the room.  If I react to it, he jumps my ___!  (honestly it seems like he's just looking for a fight)  If I just let it roll, it usually ends there.  It's all very childish and I know that... .  sometimes I just can't let it go, but I'm working on it every day.

[Cloudy Days]

Letting it go takes more will power than comming up with something awesomely rude to say back to them. I find that I always regret it when I snap back though, gives me a lot more will power.

I have video taped my husband before long ago. I found that I had a really hard time watching it. He watched it a couple times and erased it. My husband actually apologises when he's been mean. So far I come to realize this isn't the norm for Borderlines though. I mainly did it because my husband blacks out and doesn't remember what he has said or done, I wanted to show him this time. However my husband will leave terrible phone messages sometimes and if I try to play them for him he will get mad at me.

[yeeter]

You know - given that he didnt rage all over you for it, it might not be all bad.  As cloudy points out, sometimes it makes a difference when they see themselves.  And ok, its not the norm but you did it and (so far at least) survived it.  So worth a shot.

The bigger question might be:  Exactly how does he treat the children?  Are they subjected to rages?  Is he verbally abusing them?  What do you do to protect them when this happens?  How DO you explain it to them?

After this incident I had to really think about whether its me with the problem.

I totally get this.  Doubt.  Uncertainty.  My take is that it stems from our own lack of confidence.  We have had it stomped out of us, so lack some basic capacity to judge and gauge whats normal and what is not (after a while of living with the 'non-normal' - it starts looking like 'normal'.  The solution here is to maintain healthy connections with others: friends, family, et al.

And often times I will post on this site for a reality check.  It helps me to get other perspectives.  Sometimes these are items of real concern, and other times they are just normal parenting differences.  Since I didnt get the manual when I got the kids (or the relationship for that matter), I have to figure it out as I go along and really appreciate the help.

So dont beat yourself up.  Big breath.  Keep taking care of yourself.  And keep taking care of those children!

 

[krista8521]

Stupid?   not really.

My BPD Husband has spurts of raging at me, it goes in cycles and sometimes I use my skills I have learned, but I am human and can take only so much.

When he pushes that mouth to far, I get up and grab my recorder. I tell him "I am recording this and you have been warned." he will sit and try to plead his case while the recorder is running, I refuse to respond,he fizzles out and then calms down and acts like a adult again.

Maybe its wrong, but it sure calms my Husband right down.

[letmeout]

It is NOT you with the problem. Most partners of BPD's usually end up going to a counselor wondering if they are crazy. Living with a BPD does that to you. My doc said if I was questioning my sanity, then I'm not insane. It is those folks who have an obvious head problem and deny it, you should beware of.

Thanks Rockylove... .  My momma bear is usually reigned in and my girls are at the brunt of his emotions. They don't understand and I don't know how to explain it to them.  After this incident I had to really think about whether its me with the problem.

[letmeout]

I use to offer to call an ambulance when my BPD husband would get totally out of control. That sometimes would calm him down. LOL

Stupid?   not really.

My BPD Husband has spurts of raging at me, it goes in cycles and sometimes I use my skills I have learned, but I am human and can take only so much.

When he pushes that mouth to far, I get up and grab my recorder. I tell him "I am recording this and you have been warned." he will sit and try to plead his case while the recorder is running, I refuse to respond,he fizzles out and then calms down and acts like a adult again.

Maybe its wrong, but it sure calms my Husband right down.

[krista8521]

he he he, my Husband had pulled this a few times "I wish I were dead, no one ever cares about me" this could be over someone grabbing the last donut in the box etc... I would say "are you making threats of hurting yourself? because if you are, I will call the police and you can go to county for a 72 hour psych eval" that would end that victim/drama real quick also.

[Rockylove]

he he he, my Husband had pulled this a few times "I wish I were dead, no one ever cares about me" this could be over someone grabbing the last donut in the box etc... I would say "are you making threats of hurting yourself? because if you are, I will call the police and you can go to county for a 72 hour psych eval" that would end that victim/drama real quick also.

OH MY!     That could be very interesting!  I get so tired of hearing the melodramatic poor me over exaggerated my this hurts or clutching his chest.  If he really felt that badly, he wouldn't stay up partying til all hours of the night!  Perhaps telling him a 911 call is in order might help him feel better

[krista8521]

@RockyLove, my Husband will get on these complain marathons,just everything he encounters he will have some gripe about. "why do they use these stupid plastic tabs on bread bags now, you cant even close the bag any more", "that dog has been shedding non stop lately", "who buys chunky peanut butter, why cant you get creamy", "I hate corn tortillas, I told you get the flour ones, now I have nothing to eat" and these complaints will be in just a 30 minute span. It will go on for days at a time.

I read some where when people constantly complain to say 'that sounds bad, what are you going to do about it?

I started doing that and he never knows what to say, and it seems to shut down the complaining for awhile.

[Rockylove]

I read some where when people constantly complain to say 'that sounds bad, what are you going to do about it?

Very good idea, krista!  I've got to try something~~rolling my eyes is beginning to hurt