Boundaries - need to revisit mine

[qcarolr]

Pondering my break down last week. In a new phase of recovery for myself. Lost connection to many of my boundaries for self, especially in sense of loss of dh support in boudnary about no overnight guests for DD. This is from his struggles - he is responsible for his responses, not me. We need to continue to communicate and build our marriage/friend relationship so we can be here for every member of our family and stay strong.

The attacks on me Weds. came after I discovered exbfG still in her room Tues morning. We had been in battle over her sense of entitlement to do whatever she wanted as a 'member of the house'. "I live here and can do whatever I want". This was also undermining our authority with gd.

DD being gone the past couple of days has allowed me the privacy and peace to process some of this. My supportive friend, who is really good at boundaries in her family, did not say anything directly to me, she just shared examples from her family. So I picked up the book, "Boundaries"; Cloud & Townsend last night. Have owned it several years but read it filled with resentments and doubts back then - did not 'believe' what it had to say. Was not ready then. Think I am ready now. It made so much sense to me.

Also was very supportive of my new strength in my faith, and the support I am getting from new friends there. So hard for me to reach out to others and listen. So hard to reach out for God, and listen. God's story in the Bible is really the best parenting guide around. Reading it as a guide is helping me. Always before it was more like a history book, rule book, etc. I took it in at a thinking level, but missed the point in my heart and ignored the responses in my body.

There is much wisdom in the my life from other sources too, from other belief practices. I can see God's design there too. Still so many questions -- the need for respect and compassion for all of us in this struggling world.

I am struck by the parallels I am seeing everywhere now that I have better understanding of how my biology, by God's design, fits with so many other ways of describing and teaching principles that make my life work better.

So much resistance -- anger -- grieving I still have to work out.

qcr  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[twojaybirds]

You are sounding very grounded today qcr.

We try, succeed, fall, cry, wash scraped knees, laugh, stumble and hold tightly to faith, for  most days that is all we have is faith: the ability to believe in what we cannot see.

 

tjb

[lbjnltx]

Dearest friend qcarol,

I realized, the more books I read about psychology, boundaries, validation, mindfulness, parenting, etc... .  The Bible already tells me... .  it does help to delve into information from different directions and then apply how it all fits into my belief system and God's Word. Understanding it with my brain, my heart, my spirit, and my body I can then fully absorb it into who I am, not just something I "know".  This creates growth and change in me and how I think, feel, and act. As Vivek  would call it my "default" setting.

Don't hold against yourself anything!  Accept, forgive and move forward to create the freedom for the healing to take place and the new and improved self to thrive.

That is what God does... .  and what He wants for you.

 

lbj   

[vivekananda]

amen to all

and love to you especially qcr

viv   

[peaceplease]

 

Ditto to all of the above!  I have nothing to add to the great replies you already have here.  Just, that I agree with everyone!  


 

peaceplease

[qcarolr]

I am doing OK as long as DD is not here. She stopped in for a couple hours while bffG (not ex anymoe I guess - he is always kind and respectful to all of us) went to class. Showered, did laundry, hibernated with her fb and phone. Did not go to her DWAI class - they called my phone - she told them she could not come today. I forsee jail in her future.

Experiencing disappointment. Breakup with exbfM pushed her. Maybe I have been withdrawing as well. I can guess all day long and get nowhere -- she has mental illness, she is in denial about needing to change, she is making her future.

Gd is doing OK in many ways. She gets that her mom is here some and gone lots, and is able to enjoy the times when DD is connected with her.

Good connections at womens bible study today. In awe of number of women I did not know that approached me with hugs and prayers. Did it show in my face somehow, that I needed their comforting? Of course, I had a crying breakdown the week before during worship singing sitting in the front row. That was really embarrassing for me. That was 2 hours after finding G in DD's room last Tuesday morning.

Don't know how I would get through this without you and these new friends here. THANKS.

qcr  

ps. work better too - talk only of how well they are doing, how well new front counter person is doing... .  

[qcarolr]

Reading some of the workshops on boundaries. I really have done this work, and over past year have been really successful in managing my r/s with DD. ie. using validation skills, leaving if she is unable to calm herself, returning and talking things through with respect for each other later. DD never wants me to leave - she wants to engage in drama with me and works to provoke me. This is her pattern with her friends too - they shut her out for a while (hours to days).

For me:

I was in a very vulnerable place already. (see below)

Did I sense DD unraveling from breakup with M? So glad he is out of our home.

Angry that DD had bfG back in our lives and pressuring us to allow overnight visits? Her sharing with me that he was wanting too much of a bf/gf r/s and she just needed a friend. Yet she was leading him on -- this led to violence between them last summer. Dd prodded G until he blew up and hit her.

DD was very irritable with gd7, undermining my parenting with gd while accusing me of undermining her r/s with gd.

DD totally avoiding doing her probation requirements.

DD asking me to help her with goals that she was not able to follow through with - somehow she expected me to do them for her (GED, sales job... .  )

Perception of DD:

Breakup with M, hostility on fb and in person to anyone associated with M

Confusion about her feelings for G, and some remorse for feeling she was using him to fill her emptiness and he has access to a car and buys her pot (which neither should have as both on probation)

Her anger at my impatience with gd as we worked with her med increase, school problems, friend issues, etc. (gd was more dysregulated too)

I did not take good enough care of myself - acknowledge these issues, get extra rest, eat well, set boundries on issues at work, stressed about managing dogs and destruction to yard/mud in house... .  I was overwhelmed and exhusted by a lot of things.

DD was not taking care of her needs either. And she refuses to engage in therapy. And I was under a false illusion that I could give her what she needed as a parent.

I asked DD to move out -- there is nowhere stable for her to go. So I think she is couch surfing. And I am disconnected in many ways - resigned that she is who she is. She has mental illness and refuses to accept that she needs treatment. She is going to end up in court soon, then jail, for probation violation.

I need to find the courage to set a boundary that she has to be willing to engage in therapy to live in our home. Then I have to radically accept that she most likely will not be able to live in our home. And that she will blame me and project all her anger about everything on me.  Rewind, replay. This is the nature of untreated BPD. I am getting the key piece - UNTREATED.

Also, I need dh to be 100% with me on this. So need to work on my marriage r/s.

And always, protecting gd to the best of my ability. I need to reserve as much energy as I can for gd. And pray that the BPD signs stay away for her.

qcr