I hope Im moving on.

[mitchell16]

well havent heard a sound since last weeks text message. and It feel pretty good. I met a old friends last night for beer and pizza. was fun and relaxing. Hadnt seen this person in about 20 years. It was good to reconnect. What is helping me the most is reading post from other persons experience with BPD. I can relate so much with the misery, hurt and confusion each person goes thru or has gone thru. but I can also see other people who had it much worse then I and it reminds me of what will happen if I go back again.

reflecting what is good.

no more being raged at.

no more being lead on for sex and then refused it

no more washing her dishes, washing her car, fixng things in her house, putting up with drunk and drama ridden friends.

no more wondering when I was going to say or do the wrong things

no more what I call passive/aggressive behavior. such as making plan to do something and at the last minute telling me I couldnt go becasue she percieved I did something wrong an dhe going without me.,

It feels kinda nice. just living for me and not havng any worries. I cant remmebr in the last two years when I didnt have a day of worring about her or one of her many problems. Its nice.

[lockedout]

How long have you been NC? I've been separated and NC since the beginning of the year. Our only contact is when it concerns our son and it hasn't bee too rough. Your rundown of what we're "missing out" on brings things into perspective. I've been angry and depressed the past couple weeks - (the adrenaline rush of freedom wearing off?) - thinking about all I put up with just to be put out of the house in the end and basically forgotten. I have large bills for what she insisted we needed in place of the fond memories that I should have. 

Reconnecting with what was before has also been very helpful. I'm reaching out and I even went to both my hometown and college for the first time in 15 years. I didn't encounter anyone I knew (it was a quick stop in the hometown and it was Sunday when I got to my college), but it's nice to remember that I had a history before getting together with someone who tried to erase it all.

[mitchell16]

I have been NC for only been two weeks. I did recieve a text from her last week concerning work problem. it was short and sweet on my part. She thanks for me the information and then made a comment about how crazy her day. I didnt respond and I havent heard from since. Normally her making some kind of open statement in the past would ahve prompted me to ask smoething or tell her how much I missed or such. But I didnt say anything and I havent heard from ever since. I have been sad and lonely but while I was reflecting that when I came up with that list. Then I wondered what i was sad and loney for, more abuse. I mean used to the sex was so mucha nd off the charts it carried me thru teh bad times. I used it as a way to coupe. I would say to myself at least the sex if good and plenty of it. But since about jan. it has slowed down so much that it is almost doesnt exist. Then I wa sgetting rage at, degraded and pushed way about every 4 to to weeks. I started making that list wondering what I was missing.

[hithere]

The first few weeks and months can be a bit of a roller coaster, remembering some of the good times and feeling dumb for putting up with the bad times is all part of the journey.  Keep reconnecting with your past and keep yourself busy.  The high of freedom will wear off and you will no doubt have some down-times ahead but you will have a chance at a healthy relationship in the future and not be trapped in the hell of BPD, that is what matters.  Stay strong!

[mitchell16]

I plan on it. I have the rollercoasters of emotions every day and every night. But I think I have been through this so many times that Im getting numb. But I do miss her, I miss what it could have been, and I miss what it was at one time. I feel that there was nothing else I could do. I change all i am, I have tolerated behavior that i have never before. Im rude, no manors, verbal abuse, belittle words, stress from hell. But I ws made to stay I chose to do that on my own. and if she hadnt broke up with me again I would in all likely be still there. I make me think of the frog story someone posted. You really dont know your boiling until its to late. while your in it you just cant see it. dont get me wrong I miss her so much. I miss our weekends togther. This time of year we would be planning a trip somewhere. BUt in the end, for everyone one good time I had to pay with hell 10 times.

[hithere]

I miss what it could have been, and I miss what it was at one time.

With BPD it could never have been anything else and what it was at one time was not real.

[mitchell16]

hithere, You are right. I can remember so clear the idol phase. I was everything she wwanted, i was perfect. I was what she prayed for. I could almost read her mind. blah blah blah. towards the end. I couldnt even tie my shoes right. LOL