What leads a person to want to recycle?

[Willingtolearn]

I have wondered if pwBPD only recycle certain types of Non's.  For example if a Non just walks away from a relationship that  a pwBPD has ended  and never bothers to try and reconnect with them again, do they try and recycle with more effort. On the opposite side if a pwBPD ends the relationship and the Non tries to get the relationship back together again would they just continue the silent treatment and never try to recycle again? Or does it not matter either way when it comes to trying to recycle us?

[expos]

My exBPD wife, in the past, recycled bad boys and people who treated her like garbage.  She facebook friended an ex-boyfriend (who is currently married BTW) of hers who she contantly had arguments with a few months after we split.  The two nice guys she dated, she never got back with.

I dumped my ex-wife and had some pretty good fights with her.  I feel if I see her again and treat her like trash, she'll probably write me one day... .  haha.

[mitchell16]

I dont know for sure. I was very good to mu BPD and she always recycled me so many times I cant remember. But she was the one that always did the dumping and pushing me away. The one time I dumped her and told her I was done. She just about went off the deep end trying to get me back. driving to my house in the middle of the night, calling all hours and talking suicide. So I dont have a clue what makes them tick.

[GreenMango]

Recycling is like two part epoxy.  It takes both parts to make the glue.  We have to engage too.

It usually comes down to what a person wants and allows in their life, and having boundaries.  

There's a workshop on recycling with more details on the nuances. Have you seen it?

Why do we get caught up in cycles?

These are the questions we need to answer if we ever want the break-up/make-up cycle to end.  Are we returning to this person because we are in love with them and the relationship has a chance, or are we returning to this person because they feel safe?

• Are we afraid to be alone?   

• Do we have our own abandonment issues?   

• Are we fearful that we cannot find someone as good as them again?   

• Are we fearful of the next step (dating, financial issues, etc.) 

Why do our "BPD" partners recycle?

It is hard for us to understand why our partner is expressing an interest after they left in a torrent of bad behavior (e.g., cheating, raging and telling us that we are a horrible people).  "If they don't love me, why this?"  The answer is much of the same reasons as we have... .  plus a few others that are related to the disorder.

• Inability to deal with acute loneliness

• Severe insecurity / needing validation (from someone that highly values them)

• Shame / wanting to prove they are a good person (to us or themselves)

• Immaturity/Manipulation/Control - the break-up was just a way to get their way.

[Wooddragon]

Mine has just been in contact again after 4 weeks NC. Something so seemingly harmless as "happy birthday" I now treat with deep suspicion as the first gambit in the next recycle attempt. It might take 2 to close the deal but I'm tired of being hyper vigilant to this stuff - of having to constantly relive/remind myself of all the terrible experiences, lies etc just do that I won't open the door by doing the otherwise natural thing in responding by saying "thanks" and risking getting drawn back in. It's exhausting & so unfair - I just want to move on - not feel constantly bad for not responding &/or bad because of the reasons why. Also even small contact reminds me of the good times (sigh).

[LuckyEscapee]

Wood dragon, I can totally relate!

All I want is to do is to be left alone, yet he consistently makes contact every six weeks or so, on some pretence. I deal with it a lot better nowadays, less anxiety and I don't give him any 'feel good' factor and he slinks away again, but wow it is annoying! Almost intensely arrogant, but I know it's the BPD condition, that he is not in control of. Still annoying to have to deal with though!

Can anyone help me answer the following questions, based on their experiences at least :-

1) Is it random contact? Unplanned, just triggered? It feels like it, rather that thought out. Which is annoying that they just seem to invade our precious privacy on a whim.

2) What do they expect from us/the contact? Us to fall back into their arms and forget the hell they caused us? He has a replacement. He seems to want to be friends   with friends like that I wouldn't need enemies! Why bother me?

3) In my last encounter, I wouldn't allow him to rewrite history, and his supposed "caring support" of me. I found this offensive and called him out on the painting black hatred instead and he vamoosed again, didn't even respond. Is this like shining sunlight on a vampire? Will this keep him away?

Yes i know NC is a two way street and the way to go, and i believe he has ran out of reasons to bother me now I think. I only allowed this brief interaction because I wanted to know something myself regarding his attendance at an upcoming conference that I was concerned he would attend. i truly wish to hear nothing from him ever again, let alone encounter him in person there    

Although I would have dealt with it, thanks to the learnings from this fab forum.  

[GreenMango]

My experience most of the time its impulsive.  More about extinguishing an emotion.  Not a whole lot of thought to any past problems or cause and effect type relationships.  Mostly just run of the mill self centeredness.

Also when I finally got some boundaries and starting letting the other person resolve their stuff it caused a lot of conflict.  Holding someone accountable in this situation was too much.  I couldn't go on without it they could go on with it.  Irreconcilable differences.

[just_think]

Mostly just run of the mill self centeredness.

This. They want to know that you still could be there if they wanted you.  It makes them feel validated and the NPD leaning ones get a power trip out of it. My guess is that it is likely driven by some insecurity in their own life that they have encountered and by responding, you validate them and their behaviors (even if that is not your intention).  In the disordered mind, they will spin any interaction into something that benefits them as they aren't able to face their true selves.

[GreenMango]

Run of the mill self centeredness can be that a persons emotions are so overwhelming they don't have much room to consider other people too.  Not sure its always as blatant as much as it was going with what makes things feel better immediately. 

Impulsivity is one of those traits of the disorder.  It goes beyond what we commonly think of impulsive - like waking up one day and trying skydiving - its emotionally impulsive too.  Like not having a friend answer the phone, then getting anxiety over being alone, and then a light bulb goes off with the idea to call someone - then you get an out of the blue call, without reference to any of the past issues.

Sometime those recycle attempts are real though - the impulsivity factor still matters.  You know what else matters - you and what kind of relationship you need and with what kind of partner.  Look at that and whether the person on the other end of line is really able to be that person and you won't be the other part to the two part epoxy mix.

[Dave44]

And for the ones that never hear from their ex again... .  ?

[GreenMango]

Dave I know it doesn't feel like it now but it will get easier.  If yours doesn't try to recycle you or impulsively contact you one day to shoot the breeze doesn't equate to your loveableness. 

It's an opportunity to make room for someone who is a health mate and to be available when they walk into your life. 

[LuckyEscapee]

In the disordered mind, they will spin any interaction into something that benefits them as they aren't able to face their true selves.

This makes sense. No matter the perspective I take, he spins it to some warped world where he's the hero of the tale. Like he took my replacement and life town in empathy for me, when in reality he lied, cheated, raged, tormented, abused, and left when I finally broke and moved to lodge an restraining order! Not one sorry is ever uttered. Total denial.

With the last recycle hero spin I lost patience, called him out on the painting black and he simply vanished offline. This is unlike him. I am tentatively feeling like I regained some control over the madness. If he was after me making him feel special and good he got the opposite result.

[Dave44]

Dave I know it doesn't feel like it now but it will get easier.  If yours doesn't try to recycle you or impulsively contact you one day to shoot the breeze doesn't equate to your loveableness.  

It's an opportunity to make room for someone who is a health mate and to be available when they walk into your life.  

Thanks GM

I do understand but it's very frustrating. Yet again here we have ANOTHER thread on recycling. I have yet to read another post on this site from someone who's ex dumped them and completely cut them out of their life in every way shape and form never to be heard from again.

It seems that with BPD the vast majority of scenarios involve recycling - read the boards, that fact is pretty clear. Makes me wonder if it was BPD at all? Maybe I'm on the wrong site.

[mitchell16]

dave, I dont know if its BPD or not. But I can tell you from my experience and I have been recycled some many times ive lost count in two years. and each time I thought I would never hear back and I always did. Sometimes it might be a week, 2 weeks and once time 5 weeks But she would always call and I would get sucked back and it would start all over again. Just to happen again and again. I always longed for the recycle deep down inside becasue It valdated me and  I would want to beleive her when she said all the words I wanted to hear. BUt in the mean time I would have been way past her and healedand moved on with my life and found someone who really cares for me. Instead once again starting back over. So, be happy if you dont get recycled becasue it will cause you more pain in the long run.

[Seb]

Dave I know it doesn't feel like it now but it will get easier.  If yours doesn't try to recycle you or impulsively contact you one day to shoot the breeze doesn't equate to your loveableness.  

It's an opportunity to make room for someone who is a health mate and to be available when they walk into your life.  

Thanks GM

I do understand but it's very frustrating. Yet again here we have ANOTHER thread on recycling. I have yet to read another post on this site from someone who's ex dumped them and completely cut them out of their life in every way shape and form never to be heard from again.

It seems that with BPD the vast majority of scenarios involve recycling - read the boards, that fact is pretty clear. Makes me wonder if it was BPD at all? Maybe I'm on the wrong site.

Dave - I'm with you. My ex wanted to marry me, I was the love of her life, she was crazy about me one day... .  and then literally the next day, 12 hours later she was gone, vanished in to thin air. It is beyond cruel, so I truly do understand where you're coming from. I couldn't wrap my head around it. How could someone that would die without me, leave so easily and never want to speak to me again? It makes no sense.

I'm 10 months out and it's been the most painful 10 months of my life - how I've done so well, professionally, this year baffles me! I've been a total mess!

I know not all BPD's recycle - and yours and mine look like they fall in to that category. However... .  look at those who've heard from them 4 years down the line... .  even 10 or 25 years later! I say this not to get your hopes up... .  I really do think that although it's so painful right now, at least we have the chance to move on. They're not right for us - we have to move on and they're giving us the space to find someone healthy. It's taken me a long time to look at this as a positive. I know what it's like to long for the one person who can put right all this pain. But they're not going to - not right now anyway.

Mine's dropped off the face of the earth - made me out to be desperate and pathetic for still wanting her. It's downright cruel. I haven't heard a word from her since she dumped me. However, I know she has been stalking me online - she accidentally 'liked' something in October (damn touchscreen phones hey!   ) and I did have anonymous texts in November, but directly, I've not heard a word. I'm at the point now that I'm working so hard on me, and my life, getting healthy and happy, that if she turns up in my life next week, next year, or next decade, I will not ever want her. She's made her decision... .  I'm letting her live with it. What we can do, is get as healthy as we can, work on us, and move on... .  we all deserve so much more. A healthy, mature and stable love for starters. I'm with you... it's so painful, but please hang in there, you'll be ok.  

[wanttoknowmore]

what do you think of my pwBPD's behavior... answer text... doesnot answer many times... answers once... stops answering... .  lot of confusing mixed messages... keeps me in limbo... wondering what is happening to her.

Not blocking me on phone, FB or in any other way.

What does this mean? Planning recyling in future or just more punishment to me?

[Seb]

what do you think of my pwBPD's behavior... answer text... doesnot answer many times... answers once... stops answering... .  lot of confusing mixed messages... keeps me in limbo... wondering what is happening to her.

Not blocking me on phone, FB or in any other way.

What does this mean? Planning recyling in future or just more punishment to me?

It sounds like someone who isn't thinking too much at all... .  lots of mixed messages keep you in limbo and them in control... .  totally unfair on you.

I would say take some of the power back and decide what you want. Don't let someone else dictate this - how you feel about yourself, your self-worth, it's all tied up in them and it shouldn't be. Take it back - you be in control of your life. What do you want?

[TheDude]

I do understand but it's very frustrating. Yet again here we have ANOTHER thread on recycling. I have yet to read another post on this site from someone who's ex dumped them and completely cut them out of their life in every way shape and form never to be heard from again.

There have been plenty who have 'complained', as it were, that their ex simply vanished and went completely silent, but usually this is from those a) post 1st break up, and b) less than 6 months out. As someone who has recycled several times, I can say it usually goes 6-8 months - and usually dead silent. As has already been mentioned, sometimes it's years. In any case, I'd actually consider it fortunate if one can escape these messes with just one break up and no recycles. Seriously.

It seems that with BPD the vast majority of scenarios involve recycling - read the boards, that fact is pretty clear. Makes me wonder if it was BPD at all? Maybe I'm on the wrong site.

The anecdotal may reflect the concept of recycling, but note that any actual 'diagnostics' of this, or any closely related disorder, don't refer to "recycling" at all - only 'unstable relationships' (which covers a lot, I would say).

[clairedair]

hi Dave44

one of the reasons I wanted to recycle (to answer question this thread starts with) was to have the chance to ask the questions about why he'd abruptly left after good times etc. I was desperate for answers - in some ways I got them, only for him to repeat the pattern and leave me with more questions!

I don't think that those of us who are recycled are any more 'loved' or 'loveable' than those who aren't.  Nor do I think that those who aren't recycled have done something (or not) that would have meant that contact would have been made. The recycles are on us if we choose to re-engage but the leaving in such a cruel way is all on them.

One other thing - maybe those who aren't recycled don't post so much because they've had the space to grieve and look after themselves. Those who are contacted by ex or recycle keep posting because they're still in the midst of the madness.  Not sure how this theory holds up because it could take someone who does not have any contact just as long to recover as someone who does because they are dealing with a different kind of pain and different questions.

[ScotisGone74]

I know its easy to get caught up in comparing ourselves to each other, who got recycled and who didn't.  But sometimes BPD's are heard of popping back up Years later like without skipping a beat, pretending like they were barely gone-again with all their distortions I feel like Time is a major one.  I think it just depends on each situation frankly, each BPD is different, just like we all are in some way or another.  I haven't heard from my expwBPD for over four months now, I decided to go NC and block everything I could several months ago.  I have no doubt she would still be continuing to emotionally cut my throat and drain every last once of blood out of me if I was still in contact with her.  I chose NC for ME to get healthy, and when I say NC I mean I'm not speaking to her if she was on fire. 

Some of us can take more than others emotionally, physically, psychologically, verbally, its possible some of us can and /or want to continue the wicked dance with BPD, my heart just can't take anymore. 

[mango_flower]

I'm getting frustrated not understanding this phenomenon... .  

I mean, she does things that people here would say "ooh, classic recycle coming your way!" yet:

a) She told me she never goes back.  Never.

b) She is engaged to somebody else.

I think these recycling attempts are not that, they are just a way of still controlling me... .  not as backup because like I said, she'd never come back - but just so she knows I'm still there, as a friend - somebody to learn on.

Even though I don't want her back, it hurts that other people get them and I don't have that chance... .  

Is that weird to admit? x

[Wooddragon]

hi Dave44

one of the reasons I wanted to recycle (to answer question this thread starts with) was to have the chance to ask the questions about why he'd abruptly left after good times etc. I was desperate for answers - in some ways I got them, only for him to repeat the pattern and leave me with more questions!

I don't think that those of us who are recycled are any more 'loved' or 'loveable' than those who aren't.  Nor do I think that those who aren't recycled have done something (or not) that would have meant that contact would have been made. The recycles are on us if we choose to re-engage but the leaving in such a cruel way is all on them.

One other thing - maybe those who aren't recycled don't post so much because they've had the space to grieve and look after themselves. Those who are contacted by ex or recycle keep posting because they're still in the midst of the madness.  Not sure how this theory holds up because it could take someone who does not have any contact just as long to recover as someone who does because they are dealing with a different kind of pain and different questions.

This!

The attempts of mine to recycle to me show a greater lack of respect than if he just stayed away. I know from my own experiences in the first idealisation period that having exes around validates him & allows him to keep his new flame on edge because there are all these women who want to be part of his life     He just wants to use me for his own ends. It has nothing to do with me as a person