Scared and pushing away or detachment?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Can someone please tell me what happens to make them just leave, without guilt or remorse (or so it appears).  Today I broke NC after three months.  We had the best day ever and then I hear nothing.  He said he would contact me but nothing has happened.  I heard last week that he moved.  Out of state.  Took a job several states away and left his home here?  So today I sent a "Hi" text to him.  Then a few minutes later I sent a light funny note.  He doesn't respond.  He doesn't block me but just doesn't respond?  Is he running away?  I am sure that he had fallen in love with me and I could see his fear, yet he was so enamored.  Scared?  Pushing away?  Or is it that he truly just detached and wants to forget me?  Wouldn't he block me if that is what he was doing.  He is very apt at blocking people, I know because he has told me of numerous people he has blocked.  Please someone take a guess and tell me something.  Just something. 

[mssomebodynice]

Can someone please tell me what happens to make them just leave, without guilt or remorse (or so it appears).  Today I broke NC after three months.  We had the best day ever and then I hear nothing.  He said he would contact me but nothing has happened.  I heard last week that he moved.  Out of state.  Took a job several states away and left his home here?  So today I sent a "Hi" text to him.  Then a few minutes later I sent a light funny note.  He doesn't respond.  He doesn't block me but just doesn't respond?  Is he running away?  I am sure that he had fallen in love with me and I could see his fear, yet he was so enamored.  Scared?  Pushing away?  Or is it that he truly just detached and wants to forget me?  Wouldn't he block me if that is what he was doing.  He is very apt at blocking people, I know because he has told me of numerous people he has blocked.  Please someone take a guess and tell me something.  Just something. 

[Clearmind]

He fears abandonment, intimacy and engulfment - this creates a push/pull.

I'm sorry you are hurting. How can you begin to build the data about the relationship - how it really is rather than how you would like it to be. My friend, we believe its the best r/s we ever had yet its full of confusion,  contradictions and pushing and pulling.

[mssomebodynice]

I don't know.  I don't know how to make sense of something/someone that makes no sense?  I just keep spinning around and around.  Getting no where.  I try not to think about it.  I try so hard.  Thanks so much for your response.  I feel so helpless.  I feel so abandoned.  Why can't I think healthy and run as far away as I can from even a thought of this person?

[Clearmind]

In time you will begin to see how this r/s has potentially mirrored some past trauma. It's our past we are grieving.

Keep reading and posting - it will start to make sense. Right now you are in denial. Give yourself time.

[mssomebodynice]

I understand what you are saying I think?  I just keep going over it and over it all.  I can't figure out what I did to trigger this?  We had such a perfect day.  It was so perfect. 

[Clearmind]

It's hard I know. It's anyone's guess what the trigger was. This could have been planned before your day together.

Were you hoping to reconcile?

[mssomebodynice]

Hmm, I guess that would have been what I really hoped for.  I was just going to settle for something.  I am not sure what that something was?  Something I could gain closure with.  That is what I was looking for.  We didn't fight ever.  It was always nice.  Sometimes he would use words like 'scary' to describe how he felt about me in a way that implied that he was a commitment phobe, and by then, I knew he had BPD. I can't thank you enough Clearmind.  This has all been consuming me all day.  You are giving me some focus in the direction of healing.  It is priceless to me.  I have three kids.  I hold it all in and they have no idea what I am feeling as they have been through enough with their father.  Today it has got the best of me.  I have spent to much time in my room because it has overtaken me.   Thanks very much.  The rejection is huge for me. 

[Blessed0329]

MSN, if I didn't know better, I would think you were describing MY ex! This is exactly the kind of unexplained behavior he displayed. The silence is deafening and maddening. He was like a speedboat, cutting in and out of my life without warning, leaving me in so much turbulence. Clearmind is right, he fears abandonment, intimacy, and engulfment. He also can't deal with conflict, so rather than maturely TELLING you he is leaving, he just disappears without a word. He is saving himself. I have tried to accept that my ex was so consumed with his own emotional survival, that he had no room to even consider how his actions affected me.

[mssomebodynice]

Hi Blessed, I feel guilty for feeling so grateful that some others have had this same experience.  I am so happy you shared with me too.  I feel so alone.  I feel so rejected.  I really want to feel nothing for this person and then two minutes later I want them desperately back in my life.  Then I hate him for leading me here.  The turmoil is insane.  I feel sicker than he is.  I am trying to work on me.  I need to fix myself because no one should fall in love with someone who could just walk away from someone this way.  I have now cried for hours tonight.  I think he is in turmoil himself.  I also think that he doesn't feel or think like I do. 

[mssomebodynice]

I am not sleeping right.  It isn't helping me to move on.  How do I get this person out of my mind?

[wanttoknowmore]

Mssomebodnice,

I have felt most of what you are feeling. Confusion,guilt,self doubt and all gamut of emotions what you are feeling, when my pwBPD suddenly went into silent mode and ignored my contact efforts mostly and then mixed messages to make matters even more confusing. Its a weird experience, mindboggling. To hear "leave me ... I want to move on" followed by "you are such a loving and caring person... I will let u know when I am ready if we can talk again".   From "I dont want you in my  life" followed by "I will miss you so much.I dont know what to do?" and so on.

BPD mind is constantly changing and in the moment it is their reality which may change in a few days. It can leave nonBPD very confused, guilty and tired. With time, we slowly start feeling better.

In first few days,I had to take a sleep aid to get some sleep because my mind was constantly trying to analyse what was going on.

[mssomebodynice]

Thanks for responding Wanttoknowmore!  Yes, I keep going over everything hundreds of times.  Nothing makes any sense.  I am just spinning in circles.  I have decided to take a non-adictive sleep aid at night because lack of sleep is making it worse.  I cannot imagine hearing all those things from the same person.  My BPD controls way too much.  I don't think he can spend consectutive days with anyone because of his engulfment issues.  I want to move on but even that sounds scary to me right now.  I just don't know what happened?  Am I painted black or so white that he is running away?  I guess it shouldn't matter, but I could deal with it better if he was just so afraid, rather than I did something to cause him to dislike me.  I know this all sounds stupid.  It even sounds stupid to me?  I am really a mess.

[wanttoknowmore]

Its difficult to say what exactly is going on in his mind. But, my pwBPD once gave me a glimpse of her mind. Last time she went silent suddenly for two days she came back and later told me "I was trying to protect you from my crazyness because you are so loving and caring person. I dont want to cause pain to you... .  so I did ... less talk less mistake... no talk no mistake."  She shuts down as she gets so afraid that she might scream, yell or do stupid things to destroy r/s .Its her protective act.

What really works? JUST GIVE HIM SPACE... dont contact until he contacts. When his dysregulated emotions get regulated again(days or months) he will be able to talk rationally. The point is do you really want to go through this type of roller coaster ride? Is the r/s worth it? In my case, last two years have been great with minor ups and downs... I also, have strong urge to support her and help her as I feel gratitute to her for being such an amazing friend and giving me sweetest memories.

At some point in the future,if I cant handle this r/s, I will let go of her with thanks.

Staying or leaving is a very individual decision based on many factors and your capacity to tolerate

his crazymaking interactions.

[Ruthy2]

Hey mssomebodynice

The way you have described this situation, you could be describing my ex also.

I know how you feel totally!

One thing I will say, to keep contacting them to try and establish what happened or get back to some ‘normality’ only makes things worse! I speak from experience; I’ve tried this many times. 

They have to come to you, by which time you may have moved on (there are no time scales to this exactly but the pattern for me has tended to be 3 days NC from me and then I hear something from him but it is usually just a feeler to make sure I’m still there).

Why they start to ignore us, I’m not 100% sure but I think with my ex he starts to have scary thoughts, thinks it won’t work between us, feels empty when Im not around but also fears engulfment  and then decides he should break up with me because the relationship hurts him too much.  Then the silence starts (1) to protect himself (2) to prevent him from saying the wrong thing and (3) I can’t help feel there may be an element of control (taking back control he feels he has lost).

Silent treatment is one of the worst traits of BPD to me, it is terrible crazy making behaviour as its human instinct for us as their partner to want to know what happened and if their ok.x

[patientandclear]

MSN ... .  a few things.

You say you had the nicest ay ever, then he disappeared, & you wonder what could have been the trigger. THAT -- the nicest day ever -- could easily be the trigger. Feeling close is super scary because there is a lot to lose, if that makes sense, & they are certain they will lose you, for all kinds of reasons in their mind, but more deeply, because their experience in the past often has been of betrayal and abandonment by those they looked to for security & love.

Try hard to internalize that you are NOT being rejected! You are being fled from. That's different. Leaves you in the same place but you don't have to regret anything you did that caused him not to like you. Really.

But the trick is that he will be telling himself a story of why this happened that is quite different from what I just wrote. He has well developed defenses that prevent him from seeing that he drives love away. That would be too hard to live with. Instead, he will explain it in terms of some inadequacy or failure of yours, and if you seek an answer, you'll hear something that is both not the real reason (he's not going to be able to say "I'm afraid of intimacy" and hurtful/misleading. So I wouldn't ask.

My ex, with whom I thought I'd been building a strong sweet intimate friendship while he worked on his own identity outside of a romantic r/s, just suddenly moved to another state, too. He is fleeing his actual life & the people in it, including me, in hopes that the unknown future wll somehow be devoid of the pain that his real relationships cause him because of his fears of hurt & engulfment.  It won't work but it's his only plan. He doesn't know what else to do & there is a lot of pain in standing still, so he just changes constantly.  Change and movement are their plan for ending pain. Change by getting into relationships, change by leaving them. Bear in mind the beginning of our own relationships with them also had this quality -- we had miraculous rescuingG:ealing powers, righ? Wasn't it intoxicating?

Your guy's new city & my guy's new city are like their new girlfriends. They might make it all better. Until they don't.

It's so hard to recover from this because it's so awful and irrational. But it is so important to grasp that the stories they tell are projection & defenses, & it is caused by fear of closeness, not some failure of yours.

[mssomebodynice]

Wow, you all don't know how much better I feel.  How much more powerful I feel.  The power means I really think I can move forward in my life!  That you are all saying that you think he is scared and running away, makes all the difference to me.  I can feel good.  I can know that this isn't something I did, or something I said wrong.  It is actually the opposite.  I can feel validated through your input.  Maybe I shouldn't, but right now, I feel beautiful again.  Someone worthy again.  Like this is not my fault at all other than I allowed it all to happen to me.  These words you all took the time to write I will read over and over again.  When each of you wrote your share, you took me to a different place.  The one my heart kept telling me was true, but my mind always questioned myself and my behavior.  I know I have to work on me, healing myself, but this is just what I needed to hear to start my healing.  I don't know how to thank you for your time to do this for me.  I will keep reading it.  I want to stay in this place in my mind.  It is so helpful to hear the same stories from others.  Gosh... .  just thank you all so much!

[Blessed0329]

MSN, I think you began a thread and drew to it some of us who have had similar experiences with our BPD exes. There are some common behavior patterns with these folks, but I believe they fall into different groups. It looks like our exes are the ones who don't fly into rages, but who flee from us in terror. As for mine, I always knew he felt like he was so in love with me that it was at times painful for him. His emotions were like a blowtorch. They would turn on so fast and burn really hot really quickly, while mine were more like a fire in a fireplace, that took time to ignite, but would burn longer at lower intensity but more evenly.

I wanted badly to maintain a friendship, but he could not do so, because his feelings were so out of control. This hurt me deeply, and it took me a long time to accept the fact that he is unable to control his feelings for me. He can't be my friend, because he is overcome with a flood of emotions when he sees me or talks to me on the phone, so for him, he has to stay away to feel normal. I should have realized this a long time ago, when he kept trying to regulate his feelings when he worked for me, but couldn't. I kept expecting him to act like someone who does not suffer from BPD. And he can do that, when he is not around me.

[mssomebodynice]

Blessed, thanks so much for the share.  I think you described my BPD also and your example was really good.  It described how I thought in my   he felt for me.  I think we are on to something here too, although mine did rage, I only saw it once.  I don't think there is a symptom that describes BPD in the DSM that mine didn't have.  I know mine feels pain daily. He is completely burdened with his emotions.  Every comment on this thread has helped me so much.  I know now, without a doubt, that he loved me, even though he never said it.  What he did say once when I was professing my love to him on the phone, was: "I am incapable of love... .  nor am I worthy of it."  I could feel his anguish.  It took me a while, but I now believe him.  I cannot imagine feeling that way about myself.  It must be very painful.  You are right blessed, when you talk about our BPD's as being the type to flee from love because it causes them intense pain.  This is all so helpful in my healing.  I have gone from sobbing to a better place of acceptance.  Thanks for your share too! 

[Findingmysong723]

mssomebodynice,

Its nice to hear someone else talk about their (undiagnosed) Ex telling them they are incapable of love, because on most threads I've read people say that their ex told them they loved  them all the time, a thousand times a day... well you know what I mean. However, my ex told me early on that he didn't think he was ever in love with anyone except maybe his first girlfriend. He told me he wanted to fall in love with me so bad, but I needed to give him my heart or something like that. However, I think it was him that never gave me his. My Ex also had a thing about me not being comfortable and it's true I wasn't always comfortable because I would feel safe and in love and then get my rug pulled out from under me when he pushed me away. Then of course he pulled me back many times during our 14 months together oh and the 4 months we were "just friends." I remember him saying I want to know the real "my name," I feel like you are trying to be who you think I want... .  hmm I wonder why... the put downs sometimes and blow up about stupid things... .  makes me not always act like myself!

However, I believe in some ways he did the best he could, I believe that the longer we were together the longer he could keep his self together. I remember him saying he would lose everything if the stress got to him, lose his pets and me... .  although I think he was talking about starting to drink again and not being able to keep up with his sobriety. However, I guess it could of been his sobriety along with his borderline traits that made him choose to leave, or maybe we weren't right for reach other... .  I guess I'll never know. I loved him so if leaving was the only way to keep himself safe then so be it... .  just wish I didn't get hurt so bad in that process!

[mssomebodynice]

Findingmysong, I have never heard that anyone else could not get an 'I love you' either.  My BPD has this so bad he started with the push pull the day we met.  We talked on line for months prior as he was in Vietnam working at the time.  He couldn't go anywhere.  Hid in his home all the time.  We went to a movie once.  I miss him so much.  No one has ever made me laugh so much or so hard.  He was amazing.  Incredibly smart and very quick.  It is all so sad to me.  This thread I started has healed me so quickly.  It is like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.  I couldn't buy this advise.  I am so blessed that people took the time to comment and give me knowledge.  I hope you are finding it equally helpful Findmysong.  It is so painful to be with someone so long who cannot say those words, yet at times, looks at you like you are the most beautiful thing they have ever seen.  I feel so much better.  This is so priceless.  This is so helpful.  This is so important to me.  Thank you all so much. 

[mssomebodynice]

I just want to say that it has been several days since I started this thread.  I have a very different view and my pain and anguish has been cut in half by things people responded with.  It has been so healing to me.  Those who commented helped me to validate that this person loved me but that he is incapable of continuing those feelings because they become actual pain for him.  This changed my view from rejected, to running away.  Running away because they are incapable of love.  I am not angry like I was before.  I feel more pity.  I am not excusing their bad behavior as I believe they are aware of what they do to a certain extent.  Instead of the anger and rejection, I just feel loved from afar.  It is no longer my short comings.  It is his fears.  I cannot imagine knowing that I could never have a real relationship with anyone.  My God they are in Hell.  I feel a real sorrow for them and that took away my anger.  Forgiveness is easier now and I have no regrets for having tried to contact him.  Trying to contact him was normal.  I feel so normal again.  Patientandclear, I think I reread your message the most.  This thread has been like gold to me.  I am hoping that those who responded and changed my pain to understanding and disappointment, will derive some pleasure knowing that their words have brought me from Hell, back to reality.  Unbelievable!  Thank you all again so much.