What is going on?/Just call me JADE/Face2Palm

[GustheDog]

Disturbing experience tonight.  Logged into an OLD gmail account to retrieve information for my taxes.  I was feeling bored and so I started digging through emails from a long time ago - well before I met "love of my life" exBPDgf.

What I discovered terrified me.  Below I've reproduced the unaltered text (other than the heading) of an email from JULY 12, 2009, that I sent to a girl I had completely forgotten about until now.  This is almost a year before I even met my ex.  I was 23 years old.

Since discovering BPD, I've realized that my most recent ex wasn't my first BPD encounter, but now I'm starting to think that just about EVERY single "romantic" experience I've ever had has been with a BPD!  I didn't even REMEMBER this one!

Anyway, I think this email basically covers it - I truly don't remember much more about her, other than that she's the same age and from the same city as my ex.  I was totally into her for a few weeks until she split me black too!  

As I read the things that I wrote back then, I realized two things: (1) This email sounds almost exactly like the 100 I wrote to my most recent ex after she fled - it's almost PERFECTLY applicable - the behaviors are almost a 1-to-1 match, and (2) I totally sound like a gigantic d*ckhead!  I mean, I understand how the self-fulfilling prophecy plays out now - they do ridiculous ___ that makes you blow your cool and lash out and then, et voila, you're a nasty persecutor who controls and "hurts" them.  

I REALLY dislike these women, and I'm starting to become very afraid that I'll never *not* be attracted to borderlines.

Anyway, enjoy the entertainment . . . .

_________________________________________________

From: Me

To: DevilWoman#463@conspiracytodestroyGus'slife.com

Date: July 12, 2009

Re: You're Bat___ Crazy!

_____________________________

So you're clearly not going to respond, and at this point I don't even want you to. I don't know what I've done that could make you dislike me so much that you won't even be my "friend" on Facebook. All I wanted was to be kind to you and have fun with you. I was legitimately excited to meet you. That doesn't happen often. This will be my last email to you - believe me, any former attraction to you has been violently snuffed out. But, I'm afraid, after letting this situation ruminate long enough I've decided this mail is necessary.

I've heard enough about your perspective - one I don't understand but have endeavored to sympathize with. Now you're going to consider a different view, something you've evidently not occasioned to do very often.

At first blush, you were an incredibly fun, cheerful and upbeat girl. I had such a good time with you. But it's become obvious that, in fact, you're a cold, callous, and downright malicious person. It's really quite remarkable. Sad and hurtful, to be sure. But certainly remarkable.

I'll concede that what you've told me does make *some* sense. And a person can't help how they respond to certain scenarios. That's fine. But what a person can control is how they handle themselves in relation to those reactions. Here's where you fail miserably.

I invite you to consider my take on the situation, very highly likely something you haven't done. Allow me to unpack what should be only obvious:

- You led me to believe that you were interested in me and that we would pick things up when you got back to Ann Arbor.

- You NEVER mentioned anything about feeling uncomfortable or upset. Not once.

- There was no other reason for me to believe that you were uncomfortable or upset - indeed, your outward behavior only indicated the exact opposite.

These are the simple facts of the matter. I'm not making this up. This is what occurred. Period. To seriously argue that I should have taken something else away from these events is patently ludicrous.

Then, when I say that, quite justifiably, I'm confused and taken aback by the fact that you just out-of-the-blue decide to start ignoring me, you turn blatantly cruel. You become nasty and somehow - and this is absolutely unbelievable - attempt to flip the situation and make ME the bad guy by saying I'm being accusatory. Well, if asserting the fact that I felt what you did was rude, improper and inconsiderate - that you handled this situation very, very poorly with someone's genuine feelings on the line - is "accusatory," then so be it. YOU certainly seem to have no problem sharing your highly idiosyncratic interpretations of situations, so why should I?

Did it ever occur to you that my behavior that morning that made you feel so "uneasy" was something entirely unrelated to the hasty conclusion you've drawn? Yes, you snarky witch, you're very much allowed to "change your mind" about sleeping with me or anyone else. But maybe I was frustrated and felt misled. Maybe my visible "perturbation" had to do with that rather than your offensive and unsubstantiated, cookie-cutter "all men are animals" reaction. Maybe I was hurt, and confused. Which, by the way, are both emotions that I'm allowed to experience. If you had decided to seriously inquire about my behavior, a very different rubric would have been offered. You didn't ask. You reacted and you judged.

Further, I did not "question condoms." And, as an aside, for a "sex educator," you have an incorrigible grasp of statistics. I'll spare you the details (since you failed to absorb them the first time they were presented to you), but even if I didn't wish to use a condom with you (which was never explicitly or implicitly conveyed), freaking out about it is hardly rational. All of which makes me either believe that you're (a) an idiot, (b) incapable of rational thought, (c) insane, or (d) some combination thereof. Either that or the reasons you've shared with me are completely pretextual and you're full of ___.

Bottom line: It's been lovely dealing with you. You are a person of the lowest conceivable quality. You're insensitive, spoiled, and mean-spirited.

Any would-be response from you will be deleted on sight without being opened. Save your efforts and energy for the litany of other poorly-thought-out decisions you'll make ad nauseum the rest of your parasitic tenure on the planet.

[GreenMango]

Gus thanks for sharing this and your honesty.

You sound scared.  Going through another traumatizing relationship is a scary proposition.

You gotta a plan forward?

[GustheDog]

Gus thanks for sharing this and your honesty.

You sound scared.  Going through another traumatizing relationship is a scary proposition.

You gotta a plan forward?

I don't know, GM, finding this really upset me.  I was starting to feel better - thinking about my ex much less frequently, getting my life back together, smiling more, enjoying hobbies, etc.  I guess I thought that, with T and this board (along with time), I'd just press onward and be more careful the next time around.

But if I've never been attracted to a healthy woman before, maybe there's no reason to think this will change.  Even if I have the self-restraint to recognize that a person is likely disordered and politely disengage, that may save me from an unhealthy relationship but it doesn't provide me with a healthy, fulfilling one.

History indicates that BPDs and I seek each other out.  I'm concerned that I won't be attracted to a healthy woman and that they won't be attracted to me.  I'm an independent guy and I don't *need* to be in relationship, but I don't want to be alone forever either.  I want stability and reciprocity and commitment.  I want a loving family.  I am capable of providing all of these things, but I don't seem to be drawn to women who are capable of the same.

And, furthermore, now I fear that I won't be able to separate kindness and appreciation from disordered idealization.  When someone starts to develop feelings for me I'm afraid that I may push them away for fear of getting drawn into another BPD cycle.

I also don't like the way that email - and the many similar reactions I've had to my most recent ex - make me look.  I don't like to be angry, or mean, but I don't like being a pushover either.

It just sucks.

[GreenMango]

Gus its understandable to be worried-especially if you've found a pattern.  Ya know that old saying we keep getting the same lessons over and over again until we get it? 

I think its possible to learn about healthy relationships and what that looks like.  It sounds like you have a reasonable view of a relationship.

What do you think is the draw to a person with BPD? 

[laelle]

Hey Gus 

I just wanted to say that i think your being a little unfair to yourself.  No one comes without their own share of emotional garbage, BPD's and Non's alike.  No one is completely sane.    It could very well be a pattern for you or it could just two really unlucky stabs at it. 

I am not BPD but after being in a 3 years relationship with one, I am having to heal some of his damage, which can look an awful lot like BPD.

I am sure that as you move on you wont see people just as  but as complicated and fragile individuals.  You will find the right one.

At least you do know when one minute they say they love you and the next your the scum of the earth, its a good chance its time to run. 

[willy45]

Hey Dude,

I hate to say it but your message kind of made me laugh. You really dug into this other chick. But you know what, good on you. Nobody is perfect and when someone gets pushed too far, sometimes it is a matter of pushing back. You were obviously pissed. And probably rightfully so.

As far as getting involved with crazy chicks... .  well, I have the same pattern. No doubt about it. And I don't think it is bad to give people a shot. That is a good thing. I think for me, the problem is that once I give someone a shot and they prove to me that they are nutters, I have a hard time breaking it off. I feel guilty, etc... .  

Maybe a lesson here is that you have learned to be able to recognize something that isn't good for you. Moving forward, maybe it is an opportunity to put that knowledge into practice and not get involved with any more nutters.

Don't sweat it though man. Seriously. Sometimes it is just bad luck. You'll find a great girl.

[GustheDog]

I think its possible to learn about healthy relationships and what that looks like.  It sounds like you have a reasonable view of a relationship.

I agree. 

What do you think is the draw to a person with BPD? 

I've been subjected to a number of invalidating environments growing up and as a young adult.

I've long felt that no one hears me or understands me.  From my smug, drunk, insulting, dismissive ass of a father (and the other NPDs on his side of the family) to my teachers and peers in high school to every single woman I've ever been involved with. 

My mother who, for the most part is mentally/emotionally healthy, and I have a strong relationship.  But she's getting older and isn't in the best physical health.  I don't really have any other close, healthy relationships - romantic or otherwise.  And I have a very irresponsible and highly emotional/impulsive younger brother with HPD/BPD traits who, while I care about him, is not someone I can have any sort of meaningful relationship with.  I feel alone and isolated.

A pwBPD, it seems, attracts me because, whereas I'm used to being ignored and having my interests, needs, and feelings neglected, ridiculed, or treated as insignificant, the pwBPD takes an interest - a STRONG one - in everything about me.  She, for a while anyway, joins me to view the world through the same lens.

Ultimately she'll discard me as worthless and my core wounds are amplified to a degree beyond all the previous abuse and invalidation combined.

So, now any person who takes an interest in me becomes suspect.  And that's a damned shame.

[GustheDog]

johnnyorganic and laelle,

Thanks guys.  I appreciate the replies.

I HATE silent treatment, and I HATE not being heard.  The BPD shows you the ultimate validation followed by the ultimate invalidation.  It makes me, literally, scream.

It makes no sense, and by nature as well as by training I NEED things to make sense.  Things MUST make sense for me.  And when they don't I lose it - totally and completely.  I flip out.

I need order.  

Yeah I dug into her - she hurt my feelings, she wasted my time, she used me, she manipulated me, and then she refused to acknowledge, discuss, or address in any way the situation - or ME.  She denied me basic human dignity.

And I only knew her for a month.  I'm so angry with my exBPD of 2.5 years that I can't even form the words to tear her a new one.  Think about aerial footage of atom bombs going off - that's the inside of my head when I think about the ex.

[willy45]

Good man. Hold onto that anger. That anger is what is going to help you detach. Embellish it.

I wish I could be angry. I have such a hard time feeling angry. Which keeps me stuck. And probably the repression of my anger is the only reason why I could have stayed with my ex for so long. Seriously. All the crazy ___ she would do. I don't know if she cheated on me. But she certainly raged at me all the time, guilt tripped me, took my money, took my time, forced me to do so many thing I didn't want to do. And then the post break-up BS. I wish I could be as angry as you. That would probably really help.

Anyhow, I'm still kind of laughing about your email. Good on you. F these crazy chicks.

[Rose Tiger]

It is a mind blowing revelation to go over your past and see the pattern.  First is recognizing a problem.  

My T tells me as I become healthier I will be drawn/attracted to healthier people.  I haven't tested this theory but my T is often right about these things.  I figure learning to love yourself, you start expecting others to do the same.

Ex fed a very deep need for unconditional love and acceptance.  I was starving for it.  I don't feel that need anymore.  That has got to be a good thing.

Edit:  Not expecting others to love me, .  It's if they don't love me, it doesn't change how I feel about myself.

[GustheDog]

Good man. Hold onto that anger. That anger is what is going to help you detach. Embellish it.

I wish I could be angry. I have such a hard time feeling angry. Which keeps me stuck. And probably the repression of my anger is the only reason why I could have stayed with my ex for so long. Seriously. All the crazy ___ she would do. I don't know if she cheated on me. But she certainly raged at me all the time, guilt tripped me, took my money, took my time, forced me to do so many thing I didn't want to do. And then the post break-up BS. I wish I could be as angry as you. That would probably really help.

Anyhow, I'm still kind of laughing about your email. Good on you. F these crazy chicks.

I don't know how you could not be angry.  I hope you're talking to your T about that!

But I actually laugh at that email, too, as well as some of the ones I sent to my ex.  It's all RIGHT THERE!  Facts, evidence, REALITY.  IT'S GLARING AT YOU IN .12 TIMES NEW ROMAN!

F these crazy chicks is right. 

[Whatwasthat]

Hi Gus. This sounds like a painful stage to be at. I'm sorry to hear that - but I'm actually kind of jealous of the point you've reached too because this all sounds so honest and clear sighted.

History indicates that BPDs and I seek each other out.  I'm concerned that I won't be attracted to a healthy woman and that they won't be attracted to me.  I'm an independent guy and I don't *need* to be in relationship, but I don't want to be alone forever either.  I want stability and reciprocity and commitment.  I want a loving family.  I am capable of providing all of these things, but I don't seem to be drawn to women who are capable of the same.

And, furthermore, now I fear that I won't be able to separate kindness and appreciation from disordered idealization.  When someone starts to develop feelings for me I'm afraid that I may push them away for fear of getting drawn into another BPD cycle.

I also don't like the way that email - and the many similar reactions I've had to my most recent ex - make me look.  I don't like to be angry, or mean, but I don't like being a pushover either.

I would imagine that having reached this point of awareness - and assuming you're still getting some T - you're now in a position to make great progress and to develop your life into something much more fulfilling.

I worry sometimes that I've done a bit too much 'papering over' of the cracks in my own situation. I don't think you're doing that Gus - and that has to be a good thing.

Wishing you well WWT.

[Maryiscontrary]

Gus, some people just can't "hear" you. They don't have the neural machinery.


Now, I am going to play devils advocate. I am an educated self reliant woman. If I got an email like that, which to me reads as arrogant and self righteous, I would have thought you were a controlling narcissist. I am not saying you are. I am not saying she wasn't a fruit cake. I am not saying I never wrote similar letters. But when I did, I was never heard.

How about this alternative:

Hey, I have not heard from you, I hope you are ok. Listen, there seems to be anguish between us, and I don't feel that this is an effective form of communicating. I am not comfortable with this arrangement, so I think it's best if we see other people. Take care and thanks for the wonderful moments. Bye.

Do you think this approach would increase your odds of being heard?

[laelle]

"I'm so angry with my exBPD of 2.5 years that I can't even form the words to tear her a new one.  Think about aerial footage of atom bombs going off - that's the inside of my head when I think about the ex."

[GreenMango]

Gus I have a mentally ill parent.  He's has his good points and then there's the things I know now not to learn from or got to him for - like how to interact reasonably with others, model parenting after, etc.  It's like going to a shoemaker for a watch.  

Mary and Rose bring up a good point about learning/using different types of skills-emotional maturity.  The more I use these things it acts like its own filter for keeping the unhealthy elements out of my life.  

You mentioned some values earlier - when I started looking at those and boundaries - it helped to take the edge off worrying if someone was another BPD.  It made it about me and my choices ... .  More control over what kind of junk got in.

Have you read the workshop on boundries?  It may be a step on the path.

[MaybeSo]

Hmmmm... .  

Wow.

Your letter to that girl, sounds almost exactly like letters I use to write to my ex.  You are a good writer.  So am I.

In some weird way... .  I enjoyed writing those letters.  Not the experiences that led to the feeling that I needed to write a letter like that... .  I certainly didn't enjoy that... .  BUT

But... .  once I got going in writing a letter like that... .  I felt like I was really... .  just... .  alive... .  and something important was being expressed that had a lot of energy behind it... .  and that maybe the energy behind my letter was an energy that had more to it... .  than just the incident or incidents I was addressing with the person I was writing the letter to... .  

[GustheDog]

Gus, some people just can't "hear" you. They don't have the neural machinery.

I am aware of this, and I have accepted it.  This email was written nearly four years ago - before I even met my ex.  And the harsh words I had with most recent ex came before I had learned about BPD.

Regardless, acceptance has not quelled the anger that I experience.  My life and my psyche have been severely damaged by this person - the fact that she is incapable of understanding this in some ways actually makes it worse, IMO.

Now, I am going to play devils advocate. I am an educated self reliant woman. If I got an email like that, which to me reads as arrogant and self righteous, I would have thought you were a controlling narcissist. I am not saying you are. I am not saying she wasn't a fruit cake. I am not saying I never wrote similar letters. But when I did, I was never heard.

I never claimed that the email was intended to be friendly.  It most certainly wasn't.  I'm fully aware of how it reads and that was its very purpose.  My guess is that I would not send you such an email, because you would probably not behave in ways to incite such a response.  Not that she *made* me send the email - I take full responsibility for writing and sending it - but rather that, so long as someone is behaving rationally, I would never lose control.  You're reasonable, I'm reasonable.  We would never have occasion for such an unpleasant exchange.  I have reasonable disagreements with people everyday - in fact, it's part of my job.  My career is in conflict resolution, for pete's sake!  But disagreeing with a reasonable person is very different than having someone urinate on your soul.

I also perceive that you may be a bit hypersensitive about encountering narcissists, much as I am about encountering BPD women.  That's an unfortunate thing, and I hope that we will both move beyond it with some time.

How about this alternative:

Hey, I have not heard from you, I hope you are ok. Listen, there seems to be anguish between us, and I don't feel that this is an effective form of communicating. I am not comfortable with this arrangement, so I think it's best if we see other people. Take care and thanks for the wonderful moments. Bye.

Do you think this approach would increase your odds of being heard?

I take your point.  But the tenor of this email was not reached without many prior attempts on my end akin to the example you've provided above.  Same story as to my most recent ex.  The things these women said to me - as I was patient, kind, validating, and generous to the extreme - tend to make my email up there look like a children's book.

[GustheDog]

Gus I have a mentally ill parent.  He's has his good points and then there's the things I know now not to learn from or got to him for - like how to interact reasonably with others, model parenting after, etc.  It's like going to a shoemaker for a watch.  

Mary and Rose bring up a good point about learning/using different types of skills-emotional maturity.  The more I use these things it acts like its own filter for keeping the unhealthy elements out of my life.  

You mentioned some values earlier - when I started looking at those and boundaries - it helped to take the edge off worrying if someone was another BPD.  It made it about me and my choices ... .  More control over what kind of junk got in.

Have you read the workshop on boundries?  It may be a step on the path.

I have read some of that workshop.  And I do need work here.  Agreed.

I also have a mentally-ill parent, and, apparently, a slew of mentally-ill ex-somethings.

I'll finish that workshop and apply more focus in this arena.

[GustheDog]

Hmmmm... .  

Wow.

Your letter to that girl, sounds almost exactly like letters I use to write to my ex.  You are a good writer.  So am I.

In some weird way... .  I enjoyed writing those letters.  Not the experiences that led to the feeling that I needed to write a letter like that... .  I certainly didn't enjoy that... .  BUT

But... .  once I got going in writing a letter like that... .  I felt like I was really... .  just... .  alive... .  and something important was being expressed that had a lot of energy behind it... .  and that maybe the energy behind my letter was an energy that had more to it... .  than just the incident or incidents I was addressing with the person I was writing the letter to... .  

I appreciate you sharing this, MaybeSo.  And, yeah, I think you're probably right . . . .

[GustheDog]

Couldn't figure out if this would be more appropriate here on my "anger" thread or over on my "dating site" thread.  I'm putting it here.

Not only does this make me angry but it seems to reinforce my view of myself as some sort of dangerous-woman magnet.

Same dating site as in my other thread, new message from another suspect.

Her profile says: "Recently seperated and seeing what is out there... .  I'm out looking to see what has changed and what's new. I am basically the whole entire package!"

Hmmm... .  Again, I already can tell that I want nothing to do with this person (though she is certainly well-endowed, but I shall rise above such temptations of the flesh), but I'm just so curious that I had to respond to her (very forward) message.  

I mention that the term "seperated" [sic] strikes me as a tad ambiguous, and ask if she would kindly elaborate.

She does just that: "I mean when it comes down to legality I guess I am technically married but mentally and emotionally I have been checked out for over a year. I'm just waiting on these lawyers to finish doing their thing so I can move onward and upward!"

Now, I don't know anything beyond this.  I'm going to tell her that I don't feel comfortable with dating a married woman and send her on her way.

BUT, I am feeling so angry now.  This could have been my ex chatting up men online while I'm sitting around near the end of our relationship thinking everything's perfectly fine!  It could be the "wife" of a member on this site - or someone we'll soon be greeting on the welcome board!

I'm going to go vomit and get some sleep.  Cheers.

[GreenMango]

You ever heard of that literary theme "the dark night of the soul"?  Its the crisis point, the awakening, ugly realizations and despair all rolled up into one-the reckoning.  Some people around fifty call it the midlife crisis, sometimes its called rock bottom.  The moment that it takes getting there usually takes time but when it arrives it arrives with force.

The other part of the dark night that doesn't get as much airtime is the light at the end of tunnel, the change, and opportunity.  There's a beauty in this that I know its hard to see now.  Feel the things you need to Gus.  It's the only way out and up from this.

That response from the woman in the ad is very concerning.  Good you saw the flags there.  Can I ask you a question, you don't have to answer if it's uncomfortable - why are you on the dating sites right now?  You seem a little vulnerable still.

Tomorrow is a new day.  Let us know how your doing.

[Maryiscontrary]

Gus, I guess my point is that you want to be heard, correct? What I am saying is that there are linguistic alternatives that increase the odds. This is the entire thing I am seeing. You want to be heard, and you do not feel like you are.


And Gus, intense anger, which I have felt much my life, will destroy a person. It really, really hurts you. Now that you understand red flags, you can erect boundaries to others crappy behavior, so you won't get to the level of being so hurt.

[GustheDog]

That response from the woman in the ad is very concerning.  Good you saw the flags there.  Can I ask you a question, you don't have to answer if it's uncomfortable - why are you on the dating sites right now?  You seem a little vulnerable still.

You're right.  Perhaps I shouldn't be.  Pretty much all of February and the first part of March I was feeling very good.  Plus, I was six months out of my r/s and feeling stir-crazy.  I was really just hoping for some social interaction - making some new friends.  I listed that I'm not particularly interested in serious relationships at this point on my page.

Maybe this dip in mood was precipitated by - in addition to finding that old email - a sense of aloneness.  I was feeling good because I was starting to think about ex less and had become more productive at work again.  But maybe settling back into a routine made me realize that I've been so isolated during this grief period.

Old friends are there, which is good, but it's a solid 40 minute drive to see anyone.  I feel like socializing, but maybe just for an hour or two at a time.

[Suzn]

BUT, I am feeling so angry now.  This could have been my ex chatting up men online while I'm sitting around near the end of our relationship thinking everything's perfectly fine!  It could be the "wife" of a member on this site - or someone we'll soon be greeting on the welcome board!

I'm going to go vomit and get some sleep.  Cheers.

Forgive me Gus, I haven't read your dating thread. I'm curious, with this encounter triggering your anger in regards to your ex, how emotionally available do you see yourself right now?

[GustheDog]

BUT, I am feeling so angry now.  This could have been my ex chatting up men online while I'm sitting around near the end of our relationship thinking everything's perfectly fine!  It could be the "wife" of a member on this site - or someone we'll soon be greeting on the welcome board!

I'm going to go vomit and get some sleep.  Cheers.

Forgive me Gus, I haven't read your dating thread. I'm curious, with this encounter triggering your anger in regards to your ex, how emotionally available do you see yourself right now?

Much less than I had led myself to believe, apparently (I experienced an upswing for about a month or so, had hoped it was less transient that it has so far proven to be).  I am not pursuing any serious emotional involvements at this time, rest assured.

[Rose Tiger]

I'm not sure why you are angry, are you projecting your ex onto this woman?  I know my ex thought I was not worth fighting for in the end and that is painful.  That is how his mind operates devalue and discard.  The gal you mention, there is no way of knowing if she is unsafe or not.  It's not healthy for you to take out your pain on strangers that haven't harmed you in anyway. 

[Vegasskydiver]

Disturbing experience tonight.  Logged into an OLD gmail account to retrieve information for my taxes.  I was feeling bored and so I started digging through emails from a long time ago - well before I met "love of my life" exBPDgf.

What I discovered terrified me.  Below I've reproduced the unaltered text (other than the heading) of an email from JULY 12, 2009, that I sent to a girl I had completely forgotten about until now.  This is almost a year before I even met my ex.  I was 23 years old.

Since discovering BPD, I've realized that my most recent ex wasn't my first BPD encounter, but now I'm starting to think that just about EVERY single "romantic" experience I've ever had has been with a BPD!  I didn't even REMEMBER this one!

Anyway, I think this email basically covers it - I truly don't remember much more about her, other than that she's the same age and from the same city as my ex.  I was totally into her for a few weeks until she split me black too!  

As I read the things that I wrote back then, I realized two things: (1) This email sounds almost exactly like the 100 I wrote to my most recent ex after she fled - it's almost PERFECTLY applicable - the behaviors are almost a 1-to-1 match, and (2) I totally sound like a gigantic d*ckhead!  I mean, I understand how the self-fulfilling prophecy plays out now - they do ridiculous ___ that makes you blow your cool and lash out and then, et voila, you're a nasty persecutor who controls and "hurts" them.  

I REALLY dislike these women, and I'm starting to become very afraid that I'll never *not* be attracted to borderlines.

Anyway, enjoy the entertainment . . . .

_________________________________________________

From: Me

To: DevilWoman#463@conspiracytodestroyGus'slife.com

Date: July 12, 2009

Re: You're Bat___ Crazy!

_____________________________

So you're clearly not going to respond, and at this point I don't even want you to. I don't know what I've done that could make you dislike me so much that you won't even be my "friend" on Facebook. All I wanted was to be kind to you and have fun with you. I was legitimately excited to meet you. That doesn't happen often. This will be my last email to you - believe me, any former attraction to you has been violently snuffed out. But, I'm afraid, after letting this situation ruminate long enough I've decided this mail is necessary.

I've heard enough about your perspective - one I don't understand but have endeavored to sympathize with. Now you're going to consider a different view, something you've evidently not occasioned to do very often.

At first blush, you were an incredibly fun, cheerful and upbeat girl. I had such a good time with you. But it's become obvious that, in fact, you're a cold, callous, and downright malicious person. It's really quite remarkable. Sad and hurtful, to be sure. But certainly remarkable.

I'll concede that what you've told me does make *some* sense. And a person can't help how they respond to certain scenarios. That's fine. But what a person can control is how they handle themselves in relation to those reactions. Here's where you fail miserably.

I invite you to consider my take on the situation, very highly likely something you haven't done. Allow me to unpack what should be only obvious:

- You led me to believe that you were interested in me and that we would pick things up when you got back to Ann Arbor.

- You NEVER mentioned anything about feeling uncomfortable or upset. Not once.

- There was no other reason for me to believe that you were uncomfortable or upset - indeed, your outward behavior only indicated the exact opposite.

These are the simple facts of the matter. I'm not making this up. This is what occurred. Period. To seriously argue that I should have taken something else away from these events is patently ludicrous.

Then, when I say that, quite justifiably, I'm confused and taken aback by the fact that you just out-of-the-blue decide to start ignoring me, you turn blatantly cruel. You become nasty and somehow - and this is absolutely unbelievable - attempt to flip the situation and make ME the bad guy by saying I'm being accusatory. Well, if asserting the fact that I felt what you did was rude, improper and inconsiderate - that you handled this situation very, very poorly with someone's genuine feelings on the line - is "accusatory," then so be it. YOU certainly seem to have no problem sharing your highly idiosyncratic interpretations of situations, so why should I?

Did it ever occur to you that my behavior that morning that made you feel so "uneasy" was something entirely unrelated to the hasty conclusion you've drawn? Yes, you snarky witch, you're very much allowed to "change your mind" about sleeping with me or anyone else. But maybe I was frustrated and felt misled. Maybe my visible "perturbation" had to do with that rather than your offensive and unsubstantiated, cookie-cutter "all men are animals" reaction. Maybe I was hurt, and confused. Which, by the way, are both emotions that I'm allowed to experience. If you had decided to seriously inquire about my behavior, a very different rubric would have been offered. You didn't ask. You reacted and you judged.

Further, I did not "question condoms." And, as an aside, for a "sex educator," you have an incorrigible grasp of statistics. I'll spare you the details (since you failed to absorb them the first time they were presented to you), but even if I didn't wish to use a condom with you (which was never explicitly or implicitly conveyed), freaking out about it is hardly rational. All of which makes me either believe that you're (a) an idiot, (b) incapable of rational thought, (c) insane, or (d) some combination thereof. Either that or the reasons you've shared with me are completely pretextual and you're full of ___.

Bottom line: It's been lovely dealing with you. You are a person of the lowest conceivable quality. You're insensitive, spoiled, and mean-spirited.

Any would-be response from you will be deleted on sight without being opened. Save your efforts and energy for the litany of other poorly-thought-out decisions you'll make ad nauseum the rest of your parasitic tenure on the planet.

Not sure why, but I find your e-mail offensive.  Maybe you should look at your role in this... .  

[GustheDog]

People - the email was INTENDED to be offensive.  I was INTENTIONALLY being a giant pr*ck.

I would also note that this was the final piece of correspondence that followed countless attempts to approach this woman and have a warm, caring, and open discussion with her.  That does not suddenly make a nasty, insulting email "okay," but it certainly wasn't my first shot across the bow.

It wasn't a nice thing to do, and I never maintained that it was.  I posted it here because I felt it was important to share just how angry these invalidating behaviors make me.  I didn't post it here to defend or justify it.

Rose Tiger - which woman are you referring to?  If the woman to whom my July 2009 email was addressed, this occurred before I had met my ex.  If the woman from the dating site, I have not taken any pain out on her - I'm simply not going to pursue her because she is currently married.  That is a big enough red flag to end the discussion altogether, in my book.

[Rose Tiger]

Yes, the online recent gal.  This: "I'm going to tell her that I don't feel comfortable with dating a married woman and send her on her way".

This is a put down after making contact and asking her about her separation. 

Explain separation.

I'm separated.

Ewww, I don't date separated people.

What the hay?

[lost007]

Gus. Must say your vocabulary and vernacular are impressive. Sometime those of us who are so aware and so able to correctly analyze a situation still fall prey to our own emotions. We let heart and emotion override intellect. I'm guilty.