Our family therapist had an interesting idea

[nomoreoptions]

I know what you are talking about in terms of meltdowns just coming and seeming inevitable.  I'm new to this specific dance although I now realize that our daughter's cbt therapist was so skillful that I adopted much of the radical acceptance ideas. But she had only axis 1 issues, and our foster son has 1 and 2 in abundance.

Our family therapist had an interesting idea.  Most of our blow ups happen, due to the stressors of our lives, on the weekend.  He suggested that we casually sit down and ask "what do you think we might argue about this weekend? Can we air the issues now?" I'll report back.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[suchsadness]

Good morning nomoreoptions   

What an interesting concept... .  I'm anxious to hear how that approach works 

Good luck this weekend.  I will be leaving for a vacation (much needed) and will be gone next week, but post the response if you do this in advance of the weekend. 

[qcarolr]

Good idea to do family meeting before weekend. The wording would most likely be taken as criticism or sarcasm by my BPDDD26 with an escalating attitude starting right there. Maybe something like: What are our plans this weekend? I feel like we have had lots of conflicts on the weekend, how can we plan better to avoid that this weekend?

Using positive words as much as possible, even to be saying a negative thing. Takes lots of practice. My best practice happens with co-workers and friends before I use with family.

Just another idea.

qcr  

[twojaybirds]

I like this idea.  How logical especially fo rthe patterns we can identify.

[mamachelle]

Hi nomoreoptions

I think the T has a nice idea. I'm just not sure it will work with a kid with his dxs. I mean I used to do that in the parking lot before i went into a department store and try to talk through possible issues with my kids when they were like 6 or 8. I have been using talk therapy for years to little avail with my 2 SS. They can verbalize it but you can not get them to actually behave the way they want and the way you want them too. They don't want to act out but at this point it sounds like your son can't help it and not enough structure is in place because he is in a major transition time sounds like... .  

I have a lot of kids, stepkids, and all. I'll spare you all the details... .  My 2 SS 10 and 15 have behavioral issues not unlike your son but they are younger, not so charismatic or street smart. No PD identified yet but both are bipolar, and SS10 has many many BPD traits. Talking through does not really help them too much. It increases awareness but mostly they can not control the behaviors with out a huge amount of work and support and essentially, for lack of a better word, training.

I would suggest a lot of structure to keep your son busy in down times, at least until he can get into his new school.

Maybe planning a few things for him to look forward to that are age appropriate. I know it is hard with teenagers, but they are still kids and they still get bored and act out.

Have you seen the book:

"Parenting A Child Who Has Intense Emotions

Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills to Help Your Child Regulate

Emotional Outbursts & Aggressive Behaviors"

by Pat Harvey, LCSW-C and Jeanine A. Penzo, LICSW

Hope this helps. I don't want to dash your hopes, I just want you to be realistic about what your son can actually do at this point.

Also qcr is right about phrasing this very carefully, even taking the blame on your self as these kids are ultra sensitive to criticism... .  

[nomoreoptions]

I think that different kids are, well, different.  Because I took him in when he was homeless, and he "attached" so readily to me as a substitute parent, I was able to convince him that he needed therapy, and he has gone somewhat willingly twice a week for cbt since September, and I'm seeing some improvement in self-awareness. The first thing I tackled when he arrived was sleep patterns, he was dozing 18 hours a day.  I didn't have custody the first few months and couldn't get him therapy but I spent an hour or two each morning getting him up.  Then I added melatonin.  Then I added the treadmill.  Three months later his sleep patterns were about 80% improved, still hard to get him up but ok.

Well, eventually the honeymoon period ended.  Now he often seems to confuse me with his birth mother when he is in a rage.  But often he is receptive to humor.  He seems to think that weekends are a free pass for ignoring healthy sleep habits, and after two nights of four hours of sleep he is raging.  I have been walking on eggshells.  But I'm willing to try something.  Of course the triggers for each kid may be different, and different daily.  But I'm thinking of this as more of an opportunity for unspoken irritations to come to light, and be validated, than a means of making him defensive.  I can see the pressure mount, as he stores up perceived (and real) slights.  I will freely admit that the dynamic may be different because he is in a fostering relationship.  Btw, we do still hope to adopt him at some point, but that's not possible yet because his birth mother still has rights.

Thank you for all of your input.  I will do my best to be mindful of how I present this discussion, and let you know how it goes.