Wording suggestions

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Is there a specific way I should word the initial communication with my attorney providing a brief history of my husband's behavior?  More importantly, we are residing together and the last week he has shown aggression toward me verbally in front of the children.  This morning he blocked access to one of the children as I was trying to get her dressed and fought with me in front of them.  As my previous post explains more, there is a large safety factor involved here as his behavior is escalating.

Basically, I need for my A to know this is a very high conflict situation at stake and that I do not feel safe for my children and myself living in the same house with this man.  Would appreciate some suggestions on how to word this.

[Mind]

Is there a specific way I should word the initial communication with my attorney providing a brief history of my husband's behavior?  More importantly, we are residing together and the last week he has shown aggression toward me verbally in front of the children.  This morning he blocked access to one of the children as I was trying to get her dressed and fought with me in front of them.  As my previous post explains more, there is a large safety factor involved here as his behavior is escalating.

Basically, I need for my A to know this is a very high conflict situation at stake and that I do not feel safe for my children and myself living in the same house with this man.  Would appreciate some suggestions on how to word this.

[hell0kitty]

They will likely tell you to file a restraining order and he will be forced from the house. That is often attorneys first advice .  There doesn't even have to be actual fear, which you have, it is a bargaining chip they use to get the upper hand. Since you have actual fear, I would be shocked if that is not what you will be advised to do.

[Mind]

Okay, thanks. I don't know anything about filing this.  Could you explain what the process and what happens?  Would my situation be an acceptable one to file this? How is this generally done? Would this backfire on me or used against me at all with having children involved?  

He's thrown out so many threats that at times I'm so unsure about my decisions.  

[ForeverDad]

He's thrown out so many threats that at times I'm so unsure about my decisions.

The military does this all the time in battle.  It's also become a common catch phrase today: Shock & Awe.

If he can keep you off balance, then you will continue to do nothing, as in the past, while being confused and intimidated by your spouse's distorted disinformation and emotional pressuring.

With education, legal guidance and support (trusted friends, family and peer support) you will find that you can make more informed and more confident decisions.

[Mind]

I'm slowly gaining the confidence I need to separate emotions and whatever false bond there was and let him go. I'm taking things step-by-step, hour by hour and then it's not so overwhelming.  I'm sure he thinks he will have complete control over the situation, me, the kids.  Now that an A has been secured I feel much more confident with the help I am getting. I will absolutely not allow him to throw me off balance.  I'm learning to ignore all comments, threats, any talk from him.  I have more self-worth than that and deserve to live a safe and happy life and provide the best for my children.

My A suggested me to call 911 in the event of any behavior where I feel threatened.  She is going to contact his A and talk about the possibility of him moving out.  He was gone for the night and this morning came in around 6:30 a.m.  At least he left me alone.

[livednlearned]

Sometimes pwBPD will accuse their partners of the very thing they're capable of -- ask your L about whether you can record his behavior legally in your state. He may accuse YOU of being a danger to him and the kids.

The process for filing a PO -- good question for your DV center! It's different from county to county, so you'll want local knowledge. Where I live, you fill out a bunch of paperwork, including a detailed description of events that make you feel unsafe. If your H has threatened to kill you or physically harm you, that's enough in most cases. In some counties, you might file for a PO and get turned down. In mine, a woman was shot and killed in front of her kids' school by her stbx husband. She had asked for a PO and been turned down. Now, you can pretty much walk into the court house and get a PO.

You may need some leverage in order to get him to move out. If he asked you to move out, you'd probably want to make sure you weren't given up something big, like the house. Or a shot at a better financial settlement. Don't let your L do all the thinking -- they tend to go with basic formulas, and that doesn't always work for high conflict. Is there something you are willing to leverage in order to get him to move out? His L is probably telling him to stay put so he doesn't give up the house, or something like that. "My client wants him to move out until a temporary settlement has been negotiated. In return, he can xyz (whatever you think is reasonable)."

[ForeverDad]

Generally the one who should move out is the one who is the non-primary parent.  For example, if you move out, will he let you take the kids with you?  Will he claim in court that they should live with him since they should be in their 'home' and that's where he is?  See what I mean?  If possible, it would be better for him to move and that should be your preferred option.

Disclaimer:  That's not what happened in my case.  I was the one to get the first temporary protection order and she was ordered to stay away from me and our home.  Even when the case was dismissed months later and the order ended she never tried to come back.  However it was municipal court and that court was careful not to tread on family court's toes regarding custody or parenting schedule.  Her response as soon as she got out of jail was to rush over to family court and file for a protection order against me for herself and our preschooler.  Family court basically ignored my protection order when giving her temp custody.  So she and son lived in a DV shelter ("house of Peace" until they later moved into a subsidized apartment.  Meanwhile I lived in the real house of peace.

Regarding protection and restraining orders... .  My lawyer said that if you claim to be 'fearful' (even vague claims may be acceptable to the court) then you must be consistent.  You can't file saying you're fearful of his conflict or what he might do and then later state that sometimes you're not fearful.  My lawyer said that would shoot your case in the foot since the other lawyer would try to get you to say that and then turn to the judge and state, "This person is inconsistent and not really fearful and so I move the petition for protection/restraint be dismissed or denied."