Taking care of ME.

[heartsong]

I joined the board about a month ago... .  and left shortly after. There's just something that scares(?) me. I guess it's one of those things where taking this first step towards dealing with everything is so difficult and nerve-wracking.

My issue right now, is how do I take care of myself? How do I maintain my own mental health when I'm constantly attacked, criticized, and put down in my own home? When the only solution I've found is to make myself a prisoner in my own room rather than risk interaction with my BPD sister.

I've considered seeking therapy for myself but I wouldn't even know where to start at this point. Does anybody have experience with therapy?

[jaird]

I don't know your age, or why you live with your sister, but I would think the first step, and a big step it is, is not to live with her.

That alone may reduce your anxiety tremendously.

[heartsong]

Here's a little background, Jaird:

I'm 24, attending school, and jobless so I live at home with my parents. Plus, because of my culture I'm not really "allowed" to leave home until I'm married anyway. I was an "only child" for a period of 8 years during which my sister completely cut off contact from my entire family and me while she lived in another state. I was 15 when she left and almost 23 when she came back. She got in touch a year ago and returned home after almost ending up homeless. I've thought of leaving many times since, but it's just currently not an option.

[NeedAdvice]

heartsong,

My wife and I found it very beneficial to visit with a therapist in order to learn about how to deal with our uBPD, uNBPD DIL. We were completely unaware of BPD and she helped us understand what is going on.

It your sister who needs the therapy, but the therapist who is knowledgeable about BPD will be able to help you cope along with the excellent information that is found here.

[XL]

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is great, even if you're dealing with learned behavior or others, and not your own BPD. It covers a lot of communication and timeout skills you might not have learned in your home.

Marsha Linehan's books and workbooks are great if you can't afford therapy. 

I'd also try to find a shrink who specifically deals with BPD, preferably at a higher post-graduate level. Sometimes general counsellors and novice family therapists don't really get how devious this personality really is, and can direct you wrongly.

[jaird]

I hope your parents are "on board" as far as what BPD is, and what you are going through.

I am also not quite sure about your culture issue, and where you live. If you live in a country/village/area where living alone or with friends is really frowned upon, then I guess you have no choice. However, if this is just your family culture/values, and they have immigrated, then perhaps you should think more of yourself and a different lifestyle if the family therapy/sister therapy does not work out.

I guess what I am saying is, while there are many good things about cultures and their values, these "good" things should not indirectly result in making you miserable.

Maybe you could find other women of similar backgrounds to share an apartment with. I know that doesn't address the money issue, but where there's a will, there's a way.

[ScarletOlive]

Hiya heartsong,

I get not being able to move out yet. It's okay. Take it one step at a time. Some of the other members have offered some great advice about working on our mental health.

Take it from where you're at. Maybe start with making sure you get enough sleep, eat well, exercise, spend time with friends. Then, maybe take it a step further. Can you start with trying to do a kind thing for yourself every day? Light a scented candle, take a bath, cook a good meal, watch a sunset, journal, list your successes, list what you're grateful for, list what you like about yourself, try to smile 10 times per day, watch a funny movie, try arts, crafts, dance, pick back up a hobby! Oh, and this is a good read too: PERSPECTIVES: What does it mean to take care of yourself?

What would you like to do to take care of yourself?

[nomom4me]

Heartsong, your post reads like something I would have written years ago (I'm about a decade older than you).  My family is also conservative and I lived at home for a couple years as an adult, one thing that made it livable was friends who I could stay with, or just study at their house. Maybe you could join a women's group or special interest group on campus?  Yoga and dance classes are a great way to unwind and meet other women.

My mom wants her kids to be tied to her financially, my sister lived at "home" until she was older than I am and complains about getting used by my mother.  If your mom is like my mom, she wants you to think it's impossible for you to live on your own.  You have options, my advice to you is keep as many open as possible.