Does someone with BPD experience love in the same way as other people?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My boyfriend is currently in a phase of 'I think you should leave'. I can't take it seriously, because this has happened so many times before, only for him to act as if nothing happened or start talking about our future together days (or even hours) later.

I know this is a typical BPD trait, and it won't be new to anyone here. But I find it hard to grasp that he actually loves me if he can tell me to leave on a whim like that. Does he even love me? Did he ever? Is he capable of loving anyone in a romantic sense? I've read a lot about BPD but I've never really been able to get my head around this. I mean sure, I feel angry and upset with him sometimes, but I still love him; the love is a constant for me whatever else is going on. Do people with BPD really fall in and out of love just like that? Or is it more a case of they never realy loved in the first place?

[Broken Dreams]

My boyfriend is currently in a phase of 'I think you should leave'. I can't take it seriously, because this has happened so many times before, only for him to act as if nothing happened or start talking about our future together days (or even hours) later.

I know this is a typical BPD trait, and it won't be new to anyone here. But I find it hard to grasp that he actually loves me if he can tell me to leave on a whim like that. Does he even love me? Did he ever? Is he capable of loving anyone in a romantic sense? I've read a lot about BPD but I've never really been able to get my head around this. I mean sure, I feel angry and upset with him sometimes, but I still love him; the love is a constant for me whatever else is going on. Do people with BPD really fall in and out of love just like that? Or is it more a case of they never realy loved in the first place?

[artman.1]

Broken

     What I have read and gleaned is they can only love within their Mental Illness.  This illness is so wrapped up into fears of Intimacy, and Abandonment that Love is really convoluted within their mind.  Yes they love for the length of time that they feel the love because their feelings are their Truth.  Once they feel something different, the love is changed.  If you are actually Human, you will not be perfect, and their feelings of you will reflect some small mistake, or even a misunderstanding, resulting in your being PAINTED BLACK!  Once painted black, you may never get back into the love situation.

     I have been married to my UBPDW for nearly 45 years, and have been BLACK for the last 40+ years.  All intimacy was rejected and denied, even holding hands for the last 37 years.  I discovered about BPD two years ago, studied BPD behaviors for a year, and have been working on my Codependence with Therapy and CODA for the last year+.  It may be time to leave pretty soon.

Art

[Broken Dreams]

So I guess they really do feel love (in some sense), but they just fall in and out of it very quickly and easily. That makes things hard on us, but I guess it can't be much fun for them either.

Painted black for 40+ years... .  I honestly don't know how you've managed. I feel like I'm painted black, then white, then back to black again in the space of a few days. It makes the decision of whether to stay or leave very difficult.

[momtara]

I think they feel some kind of love.  Try not to torture yourself over this, as many people do.  The fact that you love or loved them is what's important.  And the fact that they love you, or try to love you, or loved you once, or treated you like they loved you... .  it's all worth holding dear and not worrying about what it really means.  Sometimes we have to be gentle with ourselves about this and just take the best interpretation.

[WillyD]

Excellent question BD. I've wondered the exact same thing regarding my uBPDgf of 3+ years.

In my case I'm convinced she loves me but over time she's "out-of-love" more than "in-love" with me. As she realizes that I'm an imperfect man (like every other man) I'm black more and white less.

She splits several times a week and even sometimes several times a day.

It's a frustrating roller-coaster ride to be on, but once you realize that it's caused by a mental illness and is neither your fault nor hers it becomes easier to accept.

I've come to the conclusion that the r/s will never be acceptable unless she commits to therapy and self-improvement. That will require acceptance of her problems which seems unlikely to ever happen. So our days are numbered. It's just a matter of how and when. I've come to terms with this and in the meantime I'm trying to help her calm down and realize the root causes of her problems in life.

It may be an exercise in futility but I love her so what the hell.

[madfungo]

One of the best answers I have heard to that question is: " They loved you the best that they could"  Somehow, to me, it sounds better then "no"

[an0ught]

Hi Broken Dreams

I know this is a typical BPD trait, and it won't be new to anyone here. But I find it hard to grasp that he actually loves me if he can tell me to leave on a whim like that. Does he even love me? Did he ever? Is he capable of loving anyone in a romantic sense? I've read a lot about BPD but I've never really been able to get my head around this. I mean sure, I feel angry and upset with him sometimes, but I still love him; the love is a constant for me whatever else is going on. Do people with BPD really fall in and out of love just like that? Or is it more a case of they never realy loved in the first place?

good question. But then it is virtually impossible to look into anyone and and truly know with respect to love. What is however known is that pwBPD tend to use broken attachment patterns (something that is said about us co-dependents too). The way they form and resolve relationships is often not healthy. They attachment style is often said to be insecure, fearful, avoidant and unresolved ^*.

Does that mean pwBPD can not form strong and lasting relationships? Sure they can. In fact their strong emotions and the strong emotions they evoke form very strong bonds or attachment. Their emotions however can fluctuate quickly and strong love can turn in the opposite on a dime. Or fear of being left can lead to strong push-away overwhelming the existing attraction.

Attachments are strong bonds and it would be very unusual to just being able to severe them as they are very fundamental parts of our humanity. Declaring them non-existent now when they were moments ago present is of course possible. I can declare black as white - will it mean a thing? Can you declare you suddenly fall out of love? Maybe the positive feelings are gone but there is still some lingering connection.

The LESSONS on the leaving board focus on healthy detaching, not on falling out of love with our former partners. The healthy alternative to being in a loving relationship is not being in a loving relationship anymore - not hating or running away. However detaching is a process, is sometimes painful and takes time. Not the natural path when the reality is fragmented by splitting and every emotion is felt so strongly by the pwBPD.

I think they feel some kind of love.  Try not to torture yourself over this, as many people do.  The fact that you love or loved them is what's important.  And the fact that they love you, or try to love you, or loved you once, or treated you like they loved you... .  it's all worth holding dear and not worrying about what it really means.  Sometimes we have to be gentle with ourselves about this and just take the best interpretation.

Finding closure in yourself as difficult as it may be is often the best way forward. It may be harder the more co-dependent a person is but then it is also a path leading to growth.

^*www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1857277/

[LosingIt2]

I asked my therapist the same question the other day. I asked if it was a lie or if it was ever real. He said that it is very real and also intense for the pwBPD. My ex had an "emotional affair" with some who is married while we were together. I found out and it obviously was very straining on our relationship, and helped lead it to its breakdown. The thing is, our break up was long, painful and confusing. When she and I got back to together she basically had a civil convo with the affair guy and told him she couldn't speak with him any more bc she wanted to work things out with me. My original reaction to this was, basically, jealousy. As in, why was she so considerate towards him whereas I felt like I was treated like garbage for months on end? As counterintuitive as it might appear, my T said her attachment to me was far greater and so forth. It's still not acceptable or fair, but hence it's the mental illness.

[benny2]

I am going throught the same thing right now. My pwBPD has in the past told me to walk away from him. In my mind I thought the only thing could be was that there was another person, but now I think its the fact that he knows he cannot love me like I need and figures I will leave him anyways. He always comes back, and I always give it another chance. This time around he is keeping things very distant. When I say I love you, he responds with "oh yeah". He is not envolving with anything with his kids, only asks me to come over late at night. I'm not sure why, but like you, I have a hard time wraping my head around this whole disorder. I am not telling him I love him, or asking any questions about the future like I did before. I'm just going with the flo. He obviously has some need for me right now and does not want to let me go completely. They often base their relationships on need. I have needs also and I need someone thats there for me. Not here one day and gone the next. Not sure how much longer I am going to put up with this.