It's time I stop waiting for her

[inepted]

Ive been given it a lot of thought. As much as I did want to make the relationship work, she clearly has no intrest, and it's time I stop kidding myself and move on.

A month after her last suicide attempt, we talked and I suggested we go on a break so she can figure things out for herself, but would still be supportive and around if she needed me. Almost immediately, a couple days later she goes online to meet some new 'friends'. Seemed innocent enough at the time. A couple weeks pass as she gives me the silent treatment. Out of the blue she starts talking and we hang out again. Sort of this quasi relationship status. We had fun and flirted, and things were just like before. Then she tells me she is willing to try and make things work. A few days pass, and hours before she goes to hang out with one of her new friends, she tells me she changed her mind, she wants to just be friends. Most likely she just didnt want to have a guilty conscience about cheating on me,  but whatever. I was a little shocked and upset over this sudden change. The next thing I know, she becomes even colder, giving me the silent treatment for almost a month. For a while I kept my distance, occasionally assuring her when she wanted to talk I would be around.

After about 3 weeks, she finally thaws, but seemed incredibly distant. Occasionally she messages me to find out how Im doing and what I've been up to. At first I thought she was just trying to at least maintain a friendship with me, but the more we talk, the more I realize she isn't actually interested. Every time it always just a thinly veiled disguise about her. Trying to get me to validate her actions. When I wouldn't, she would just disappear and find someone that would. It sucked, but I tried not to make much of it, and let her go do whatever. It's actually a little sad. I had always wondered why some of her closest friends, even her best friend from high school seemed to disappear and lost contact with her. I had thought they just weren't that great of friends, but now I can finally see the truth. She was the one that walked away. Not them.

Then, something interesting happened this last weekend. I had been telling a friend about everything going on, and he mentioned he was having a small get together. Friends I havent really seen or talked to in years, partially my own fault for focusing so much on my pwBPD that I neglected my other friendships for so long. I spent most of the weekend with them, and it was some of the most fun I had in months. It made me realize that all this time, while i was hoping and waiting to be painted white again instead of this blackish gray i am right now, I dont need to be waiting for her. I thought I needed her to be happy, but, I dont. And I see that now. Im done waiting for something that may never happen with her again, and Im ready to move on.

As much as I wanted to make things work with her, I realize now its impossible if she is unwilling to put in any effort. Im not opposed to trying again with her if she ever comes around and can demonstrate she really wants to change, but Im no longer holding my breath. Im tired of being a doormat. And you know what? I actually feel happy about this decision.

Not really much of a point in this post, but it feels good to say this all out loud.

[hellnback]

You're in a good place right now. It feels good geeting your feet back under ya doesn't it?

I have these days too. More and more as time goes on. I also have week moments where I fall back to that weird funk.

You're right in whay you wrote. It is time to start being me again. I had a lot of love to give her. I still do at times. If she doesn't want that, then I'll just find someone who does.

[findingmyselfagain]

inepted,

I applaud your decision. It took me over 2 years to realize the lost cause I was involved with. I was only with her for 9 months, but it took me too long to wrap my head around the impossible. She wasn't the woman I fell in love with and probably never will be. I couldn't stop her from leaving or make her "see the light." She could have had a very nice life if she truly wanted it. It's on us to move on and find healthier relationships and partners for a brighter future.

[GreenMango]

Good for you!  Enjoying your life again is important.  Excellent point. 

[Whitefang]

This helps me : "I've got a lot of love to give" dso why waste it?   If my BPD ex chooses to think I'm the devil incarnate, and a "psycho predator stalker" so be it.

It's taken many female friends, old & new, to remind me what a cool, generous, fun guy I am.   Many have told me how stupid she is for freezing me out.  Yeah I know I shouldn't need others to validate how I see myself, but until recently, none of it sunk in.   Over a yr, I thought I was doomed to be some lost woman's martyr.   Love is a choice, not a sentence to pay for being with an un reciprocating, cold, disordered, hateful witch.   

In fact, I doubt I'd even fall close to accepting any "apology" from her now in an attempt for that elusive closure.   I thought far too long that's what I needed & it could only come from her.   

I've paid more than my dues, almost lost myself, wanted to kill myself for accepting all that guilt she cast on me.  She was relentless to smear & hate me.  That's not who I am.  I thank God everyday for my ability to find myself again.  Albeit changed.   I will never be the same man again.   I've been hardened but at least I have left the traumatizing prison she threw the key away to.   

No way am I "over" this.  I will probably always carry parts with me.   But they won't define me anymore.   Seldom do you get a chance when everybody shuns you, even have strangers chastise you & you have nobody o have your back but yourself.   When I was forced to stand completely on my own, is when I really "won".   

Once again, thanks for this discussion thread.   None of us is alone.   

[real lady]

As much as I wanted to make things work with her, I realize now its impossible if she is unwilling to put in any effort. Im not opposed to trying again with her if she ever comes around and can demonstrate she really wants to change, but Im no longer holding my breath. Im tired of being a doormat. And you know what? I actually feel happy about this decision.

Not really much of a point in this post, but it feels good to say this all out loud.

Good for you ((inepted))... .  you are "in the place" where we ALL need to be. Realizing that we have loved a MENTALLY ILL PERSON and we are NOT going to be able to change them, we CANNOT change ourselves to "suit them" without nearly losing ourselves and we cannot do anything to HELP them, even if we WAIT for them, they must LIVE THEIR LIVES THEMSELVES and the decisions that they make do NOT need to affect us, damage us and WASTE OUR TIME and LIFE... .  I agree. 

You have a VERY HEALTHY outlook... .  keep it.