need honest opinions please

[Eco]

Ok so it started last saturday when my car broke down and my uNPD/BPDxgf gave me hell for messing her day up. I didnt hear from her sun at all no response to my texts.

on monday she texts me telling me that she was admited to the hospital for high blood pressure and kidney inflamation, she told me our 2 1/2 week old baby was with her and they needed someone to spend the night in the room to help with the baby. she asked me and i said yes, I told her i would have to go to my house 30 min away to get some things and i would see her later. while at my house I ate dinner showered and waited for a bad storm to pass, it was 4 hrs later when I got back to the hospital and my ex was livid with me that I took so long to get back and demanded to know what took so long, I told her and she called me selfish I let it drop.

a sinus infection and the flu tag teamed me the night before which I explained to her as well butshe could care less. I spent the night sleeping on a extended couch getting up every 3 hrs to hand the baby off to her to feed and change her diaper. i got 2 three hr naps before getting up at 4am to go to work, after work she called me and told me they were keeping her another night and asked if i would stay another night. I told her that I didnt think I could because I was feeling worse and needed some sleep, I told her i would try and find a way to work something out for her. she started raging at me calling me a bad father and other choice words, when I got to the hospital she had called her church and got someone to help her for the night. she also threw this at me " I was considering working things out with you (getting back together) but no way in hell now"

she threw me out of her room and when I asked her about seeing my daughter she said " You can see her when its convenient for me since you're making things convenient for you" now she isnt responding to my texts

what I need honest opinions about is this- should I have sucked it up and stayed the night with her again? I wanted to work things out but I was worried about no sleep making me sicker and then missing more work which i cant afford and would hurt everyone. I feel like I let my daughter down by not staying

all opinions welcome. thanks

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mara2]

I am a mother of 4 and I say you should stay away from such a young baby if you have the flu.  It is not safe for the baby.  She has someone from her church to help her, so rest easy and get well.  You do not want your baby to catch what you have. 

[Eco]

thanks mara2

I didnt find out i had the flu untill today so we both thought i only had a sinus infection. but im glad i didnt stay that 2nd night now. if i didnt have the flu and just a sinus infection should i have stayed that 2nd night. just curious, i know it doesnt matter now and i know i did the right thing but it was bugging me before i found out about the flu if i did the right thing

[laelle]

She will get over it when she feels better.  Rest up yourself, and i hope you feel better soon.

Emotional Terrorism - sigh  :'(

[arabella]

What would have happened if you had already 'worked things out' with her and were living together? If the idea is/was to get back together and, assumably, raise your daughter as a couple - what would happen if you both were ill at the same time then? If you were together and she was hospitalized there is the possibility that the baby would be left at home with you, sinus infection or not. The woman was admitted to hospital and told that she would require assistance, so I do understand and empathize with her predicament. How she handled the situation was completely uncalled for but I'll give her a little latitude given the circumstances (hospital, feeling extra crappy, under pressure, etc).

I can't answer for you as to what you should have done, I don't know all of the dynamics at play. But I will suggest that a baby needs care regardless of how crappy her parents feel. Getting someone from the church was great, but what if they hadn't been available? This is something that needs to be addressed for the future. Your ex may very well get sick again so there needs to be an emergency care plan in place. If you can't be that plan due to circumstances beyond your control (work, illness, whatever) then you need another reliable backup. Make these plans when you are feeling well and are more able to make good decisions!

[committed]

Being a parent is what goes along with being a parent. I can't even count how many sleepless nights, inconveniences and sacrifices I've made along the way to be able to have the joy of being a parent. I have to agree with arabella... .  "a baby needs care regardless of how crappy her parents feel." It's your responsibility as a parent to be there for your child no matter the circumstances or make sure there is a plan in place to cover things if you are not able to. Don't mean to sound harsh, but I believe a person's role as a parent is the most important role they will ever play in life.

[rosannadanna]

Arabella said:

"This is something that needs to be addressed for the future. Your ex may very well get sick again so there needs to be an emergency care plan in place. If you can't be that plan due to circumstances beyond your control (work, illness, whatever) then you need another reliable backup. Make these plans when you are feeling well and are more able to make good decisions!"

I agree.  It sounds like this is your first baby and if so welcome to the hardest job you will ever have.  This woman has NPD/BPD traits, just gave birth (a traumatic experience for the mind and body) and is physically ill enough to be hospitalized.  This is a hot mess and you have to be consistent, safe parent for your child if you want her to be emotionally and physically healthy.

Do you have family around to support you?  Does she have a supportive family?  How long is she going to stay home with the baby and where is the baby going if she returns to work?  Have you guys worked out a custody agreement?  You must be the one who structure a safe, consistently loving environment b/c I am guessing that she will struggle providing this for your baby.

Good luck to you 

[briefcase]

Hi Eco,

It's ok!  You aren't a bad father.  You made a judgment call - the first of many, my friend.  And now you are looking back over what happened to see if you did the right thing.  Only good fathers do that!  

This was a tough one.  Yes, parents have to suck it up sometimes.  But, parents also have to take care of themselves, know their limits and use their best judgment.  You weren't her only option.  It's hard when both parents are down for the count - and the flu definitely knocked me out this year.

She is going to feel angry and let down. She is probably never going to see this your way.  That's ok.  Validate those feelings.  But, stick to your truth - don't let her define it for you.

After you reflect on this, let us know if you would do it differently next time.  Welcome to fatherhood!  

[Eco]

Thanks everyone for youre input and honesty

What would have happened if you had already 'worked things out' with her and were living together? If the idea is/was to get back together and, assumably, raise your daughter as a couple - what would happen if you both were ill at the same time then? If you were together and she was hospitalized there is the possibility that the baby would be left at home with you, sinus infection or not.

I agree, before my ex threw me out of the hospital room the lady from the church suggested I take our baby home and let her rest I agreed but my ex said" hes not taking her"

Your ex may very well get sick again so there needs to be an emergency care plan in place. If you can't be that plan due to circumstances beyond your control (work, illness, whatever) then you need another reliable backup. Make these plans when you are feeling well and are more able to make good decisions!

I agree and am working on having a backup plan

It sounds like this is your first baby

no, I have a 9 yr old son, it was different because I was married and we got along a lot better then i do with this woman. also I worked a lot when my son was a baby so i missed out on a lot, I was hoping to do more with this baby but it looks like that isnt going to happen with her.

Do you have family around to support you?

I do have a great family but they cant stand this woman, they are willing to put that aside for the baby but my exgf wont let that happen.

Does she have a supportive family?

no she has no family and she has ran everyone off that were friends, she is the most difficult person to have a R/S with friends or other she drives everyone that gets close away

How long is she going to stay home with the baby and where is the baby going if she returns to work? 

not sure when she returns to work and when she does its only 2 days a week. she has 2 other kids( by different dads) that go to daycare so i think the baby is going as well.

Have you guys worked out a custody agreement?

not yet I was hoping that we would work things out but it doesnt look like its going to after this. so Im going to see my lawyer next week. she told me today that she wants to write up papers for visatation and child support herself and we both sign it  no way am i doing that

It's ok!  You aren't a bad father.  You made a judgment call - the first of many, my friend.  And now you are looking back over what happened to see if you did the right thing.  Only good fathers do that!   

This was a tough one.  Yes, parents have to suck it up sometimes.  But, parents also have to take care of themselves, know their limits and use their best judgment.  You weren't her only option.  It's hard when both parents are down for the count - and the flu definitely knocked me out this year.

She is going to feel angry and let down. She is probably never going to see this your way.  That's ok.  Validate those feelings.  But, stick to your truth - don't let her define it for you.

thanks BC I needed that as im feeling pretty low right now