Was anyone else's child well behaved, etc. when very young?

[BioAdoptMom3]

Since we are new to BPD I am wondering if this is typical.  I hear a lot of parents saying they had major behavior problems with their children when they were young and knew something was wrong.  Our DD is now 13 and we didn't have a clue!  Well, to be honest she did have major separation anxiety until she was 12 and we were concerned about that, and she did start getting moody with us at about 9 which I think is young for that, but other than that, she seemed pretty average as far as behavior goes.  Teachers, coaches, other parents and our church choir director have always told us things like, "she's a gem" or a "joy"!  All the major issues seemed to start when she was about 11 and I was diagnosed with breast cancer, but that has always been pretty much at home, not out in public.  I know the diagnosis is correct because we have heard it now from 3 professionals in the past two weeks.  She is very moody, has difficulty nurturing relationships, cuts, has had suicidal thoughts, has bulimia and has been a victim of bullying in middle school, among the other typical symptoms.  But until about 2 or 3 years ago we would have never dreamed we would be going through this h***! 

Can anyone else relate?

Thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[griz]

I can so relate.  DD18 was the easiest of children. Very go with the flow, never moody and if anything very even tempered.  She had no real seperation anxiety and was a stellar student not only academically but she was also a very kind classmate.  She was never one of the "popular" kids, which was always fine with me but she had friends and was pretty content with the one or two she had.  In 5th grade she started to on and off have anxiety issues that were concerning but with therapy it would always subside.  At 15 DD went from the above to a child I didn't even know.  Anxiety, major depression, cutting, Suicidal thoughts, angry and more.  DD just turned 18 and has not been dx with bipolar axis I and BPD axis II. 

There were a multitude of things that happened to DD, bullying being a very big one in the 8th grade and as some of you know a major reaction to finding out that I had cancer before whe was born.  I believe that she was genetically predisposed to these illness and that a combination of occurances created the perfect storm.

I don't know if I will ever see the daughter I used to know again.  I am always sad, as I miss her so much but I am trying to understand the new daughter that I have.

Griz

[sisterandmom]

My daughter is like Griz's - well behaved, charming, kind. She has a genetic predisposition.

She started going downhill after being bullied from 5th grade on and she went into her first hospitalization in 8th grade. I think that was when we realized somethign was wrong and BPD came into the picture. In 9th grade she was raped by a stranger while walking home from school and that really sent her over into PTSD. Her grades hit bottom and we have had to change schools due to bullying and her missing school for hospitalizations.

I do get glimpses of my real daughter from time to time and I cherish them. She is working through her second DBT group and I think that it is helping.

[inkling16]

Our daughter was always well behaved but very sensitive and anxious. Very attentive to most rules (except for talking out of turn--she was and is a chatterbox), but also completely oblivious to incentives and punishments. And every now and then something would set her off into a major rage even after we thought she should have outgrown tantrums. But like many, we saw a stark change at puberty, when she became a complete basket case of anxiety and out of control emotions. We also believe there is a strong genetic predisposition, possibly on both sides of the family. Even at her worst, though, she hasn't been the wild behavior problem that some kids are. Never been arrested, for example, and her main discipline problem at school has been tardiness.

[Vivgood]

DD was an absolute delight as a child. very sensitive physically and emotionally, but expected, since she was also very creative and advanced early. Had a hint of trouble when I married when she was in 5th grade, but she was never a problem in school or socially. The BPD stuff didn't start until she was a sophomore in HS. We got her into tx immediately and drew strict boundaries. She is now 22, living independently, working and in school. Even in DD's difficult periods, she was fun to be around and was always very open and communicative. She and I meet regularly for our monthly "massage day" . Its therapeutic, I swear!


vivgood

[Kate4queen]

Our son was the poster child for a well-adjusted mildly disabled child,with immense charm, joy and likeability -to everyone except us.He took off that mask when he got home when it became too hard to maintain.

I noticed something was up from about the age of 10 when he used to try and blackmail me and lied a lot for no reason. It took the rest of the world a lot longer to catch on that something was up-actually the vast majority of them still think he's a charming charismatic hero but some of them now know differently.

[jellibeans]

My dd15 was never an easy child... .  I don't have those kind of memories... .  she struggled on many different levels... .  didn't nap... no self soothing... .  speech problems which made her very frustrated... .  delayed in many milestones... .  she had tantrums that never stopped... .  she was always well behaved at school and most would not have suspected how difficult she was at home.

I would pick her up from school and she would cry the whole way home... .  having a breakdown everyday... .  now she even has had issues at school... .  something new... .  

[twojaybirds]

well behaved is an understatement for my dd.  I heard over and over how I was raising the next Mother Theresa... caring involved... loving... empathetic... .  compassionate... .  kind... .  by teachers, church leaders, neighbors, friends, club leaders etc.

Presidential volunteer award for 4 years in a row(5 - 8th grade)  for her local volunteer hours

freshman high school were the initial signs but only in retrospect because they were so under the radar and almost seemed she was finally being 'more typical'... like when she threatened to run away (but called me in advance to let me know where).  Senior year is when it hit the fan

[StrugglingMom76]

MY DD17 was fine until she hit puberty it started out slowly and then hit a head at about 15 and has steadily gotten worse and worse. Saying lots of prayers.

[Reality]

My son was a beautiful sweet child, easy-going and full of energy.  Yet, ephemeral.  At 15, started missing school, by 18 losing girlfriend, the troubles started boiling full-steam ahead.

Reality

[MammaMia]

My BPD38s was an adorable, highly intelligent, shy child in elementary school.  He was always at the top of his class.  Had many friends.

When his alcoholic BPD dad and I got divorced when he was 15 everything changed.  His dad was emotionally abusive and terrified our son and his older sister. They used to hide in a closet if he arrived home before I did.  Makes me sick. He tormented our daughter relentlessly.  He was physically abusive to her.  The night he threw her across the room and slammed her into a wall, I told him to get out or I would call the police.  He went into the garage and took a handgun with him when he left.  We all thought he would come back and kill us.  

I was basically the sole support of the family as he drifted from job to job.  I paid all the bills and any money he had was HIS.  My money was OURS.  I had a good job... .  high stress, in the medical field.  I supervised an office of 14 while holding down a "regular" job which meant doiing everything everyone else did as well as a fulltime manager's position, and I worked for the Department Chair doing his medical and administrative work.  That was the way it was done in those days.  Managers did not just manage. I attended all school functions, etc.  My ex was not interested.  I did everything.  Eventually, I decided I wanted a divorce.  I did not have a husband, I had another child.  He did not contribute to the marriage, so it was easy to just let it go.

When our son turned 15, he changed from a wonderful little boy into someone I did not know.  He started drinking, ended up in alternate school because his attendance was so poor.  I would drive the kids to school on my way to work and drop them off at the front door.  He would go in the school and out the back door.  He said school bored him.  He was filled with rage and bad behavior.  His friends were awful - troubled kids.  His alcohol use got him into trouble from the time he was 19 on.  Car crashes, DUIs, fist fights, horrible mood swings.  He ended up with every needy, psychologically damaged girl you could imagine.  He hated me, himself, and everyone in his life.

Through the years he was in alcohol treatment 5 times.  I kept telling them there was something else wrong.  Alcohol was a factor to be sure.  But something else was not right.  He lied, he stole, he threatened me and called me names.  Said I was too stupid to live.  No one would listen to me.  He was just a kid with alcohol issues.

As I look back, I can't believe I lived through those years.  I would get in the car to leave for work and like others on the Board, would plan in my head to drive and just keep going without ever looking back.  I was struggling to fill the needs of everyone at work and at home.  I was

being held hostage by this kid who, every time I did something for myself like going out to dinner with friends, would do something stupid and end up in jail.  I grew to fear him.

His father was out of the picture.  After the divorce (which he finally agreed to when he found someone else) he just lived his life as if the children and I never existed.  Our son withdrew in his early 20's and would not leave the house or spend time with friends.  He became a recluse.

He was self isolating.  Medications from doctors for depression did not work.  They made him psychotic.

Eventually, my son ended up with a felony DUI for refusing to test.  He was sent to prison where he was diagnosed as BPD, schizo-affective and having PTSD.  He went through yet another year of intense alcohol treatment and another year when he got released.

We had the occasion to talk about his growing up years and how traumatic they were for him recently.  He asked how I could just sit by and let things happen to him. It was an opportunity of a lifetime, so I told him exactly what those years were like for me.   He was shocked to think I was dealing with all the things I was dealing with because he said I never complained.  I did, but in his BPD world, he never heard a word. Nor did he care.

Anyway that is my story.  Sounds just like many others, I am sure.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders