More parenting perspectives

[Depression = 72% of members]

Journaling here, and open to any feedback that any of you want to offer as perspective.  This event was a 'non-issue' in terms of causing escalation or drama in the house, but that in and of itself is what jumped out at me and caused me to write this (its a statement about what has become accepted 'normal' )

My S8 wet the bed the night before last.  But he didnt wake anyone to help him get cleaned up and the covers changed.  Last night while talking with him before at bedtime (I lay and chat with each of my kids every night at bedtime - its a great bonding moment and I learn much of what is going on with them).  Anyway, I ask him about it and he just layed out the events:

He told me that he wet the bed and it happened he thinks between 2:30 and 3:00am (he is a little data machine, just his personality).  Then he tells me he went up to moms room (mom and dad have separate bedrooms) at 3:17 and she was sleeping, so he came back down and just layed on the floor without pants or underwear until 4:00am.  But he was getting cold so finally he put on regular clothes and turned on some lights so he could read a bit, and play some legos.

I asked him why he didnt wake one of us and we would have helped.  He said he was afraid of 'pissing off mom' (yes, the foul language is starting even at this age - but he knows better so Im confident is going to grow out of it).  I told him I understood why he might feel that way - but that Im pretty sure in this instance she wouldnt have been upset and would have wanted to help him get the bed changed.  And also, he could have just come up and crawled in bed with me (they sometimes do this if a nightmare or something) - or that I would have helped him change the bed (to be fair... is a little difficult for me because my wife has all the covers/sheets stored away a certain way (meaning packed packed cabinets) and its pretty overwhelming for me to try to find anything - but would have gotten there although highly likely I would have chosen the 'wrong' sheets - so I get why my S8 might not feel comfortable trying it on his own).   But I really dont think my wife would have been upset.  But at the same time, if my S8 thought she might have - it doesnt matter whether its true because its the uncertainty and fear of it that was influencing him at that moment.

Anyway it ended later that morning just before 6 when we both normally wake and my wife did wake up and come down and change out his covers and he went back to sleep before school.

I told S8 that I worried that he didnt get enough sleep.  And also that he got cold in the night.  And asked him to make a pact with me that if something like this happens again, the next time he will just wake me or come get in bed with me.  And he agreed.

So a complete non event and I wasnt worrying about it.  But then I thought... .  this is 'normal' for our house.  I feel good that I am there for them, and can offer perspective and help them.  But at the same time the emotional dynamics with my wife clearly influence their behavior and thoughts - so I should be aware of this and try to help any of the longer term negative issues they might develop as they grow up.

Besides being someone to talk to, I try to set them up to have as much control/independence as I can (my wife can set them up in 'no win' situations pretty easily).  Its my middle D6 that takes the most heat, because she is naturally independent and a style more like mine and opposite that of my wife.  I do have 'some' influence on the interactions and try to step in when things go over some line in terms of bullying - but the 'line' might have a way of creeping over time if I dont keep a watch on it.

Any thoughts?

[yeeter]

Journaling here, and open to any feedback that any of you want to offer as perspective.  This event was a 'non-issue' in terms of causing escalation or drama in the house, but that in and of itself is what jumped out at me and caused me to write this (its a statement about what has become accepted 'normal' )

My S8 wet the bed the night before last.  But he didnt wake anyone to help him get cleaned up and the covers changed.  Last night while talking with him before at bedtime (I lay and chat with each of my kids every night at bedtime - its a great bonding moment and I learn much of what is going on with them).  Anyway, I ask him about it and he just layed out the events:

He told me that he wet the bed and it happened he thinks between 2:30 and 3:00am (he is a little data machine, just his personality).  Then he tells me he went up to moms room (mom and dad have separate bedrooms) at 3:17 and she was sleeping, so he came back down and just layed on the floor without pants or underwear until 4:00am.  But he was getting cold so finally he put on regular clothes and turned on some lights so he could read a bit, and play some legos.

I asked him why he didnt wake one of us and we would have helped.  He said he was afraid of 'pissing off mom' (yes, the foul language is starting even at this age - but he knows better so Im confident is going to grow out of it).  I told him I understood why he might feel that way - but that Im pretty sure in this instance she wouldnt have been upset and would have wanted to help him get the bed changed.  And also, he could have just come up and crawled in bed with me (they sometimes do this if a nightmare or something) - or that I would have helped him change the bed (to be fair... is a little difficult for me because my wife has all the covers/sheets stored away a certain way (meaning packed packed cabinets) and its pretty overwhelming for me to try to find anything - but would have gotten there although highly likely I would have chosen the 'wrong' sheets - so I get why my S8 might not feel comfortable trying it on his own).   But I really dont think my wife would have been upset.  But at the same time, if my S8 thought she might have - it doesnt matter whether its true because its the uncertainty and fear of it that was influencing him at that moment.

Anyway it ended later that morning just before 6 when we both normally wake and my wife did wake up and come down and change out his covers and he went back to sleep before school.

I told S8 that I worried that he didnt get enough sleep.  And also that he got cold in the night.  And asked him to make a pact with me that if something like this happens again, the next time he will just wake me or come get in bed with me.  And he agreed.

So a complete non event and I wasnt worrying about it.  But then I thought... .  this is 'normal' for our house.  I feel good that I am there for them, and can offer perspective and help them.  But at the same time the emotional dynamics with my wife clearly influence their behavior and thoughts - so I should be aware of this and try to help any of the longer term negative issues they might develop as they grow up.

Besides being someone to talk to, I try to set them up to have as much control/independence as I can (my wife can set them up in 'no win' situations pretty easily).  Its my middle D6 that takes the most heat, because she is naturally independent and a style more like mine and opposite that of my wife.  I do have 'some' influence on the interactions and try to step in when things go over some line in terms of bullying - but the 'line' might have a way of creeping over time if I dont keep a watch on it.

Any thoughts?

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[Mischeevious]

It sounds upsetting to have heard the accounts of that night from your s although I feel you handled it perfectly. Yeeter, it sounds to me like you are doing a great job and your kids are lucky to have such a sensitive insightful dad so well done. I feel if you are able to continue in your supportive role, validating their feelings as you do they will learn how to deal with the situation and that they can always turn to you. I understand your concerns over the line being crossed and the worry of keeping watch although perhaps if kept in check it may be possible to contain it. The open dialogue with your children is the most important thing you have, it will help them to feel safe to express their thought and feelings, having someone you can trust is massive!

I only wish I had your insight sooner because although I know its never too late unless you give up I do feel like the damage is already apparent with my s13, d12, and I feel out of my depth, my youngest however d10 seems more reachable and is open about her feelings with me and responds to reassurances.

Stay strong and keep up the great job!

[arabella]

Yeeter, I think you're doing a great job! You know what? There is no 'normal'. You do the best with the circumstances you are handed and the rest will fall as it may. The most important thing is for your children to know that they aren't alone in the world, that you are there for them whenever they need you. Everyone has their own trials in life, better to face those facts and find support from your father early on then to grow up without developing the proper coping skills or support network. That's just my humble opinion though!

I have to say, reading your story, it sounds like your son is a self-soothing champ! This is a good thing. He's obviously learned how to be independent if necessary and how to stay calm in a 'crisis' (hey, that was a mini crisis for a kid). Then you came along and reinforced that he doesn't have to do it alone - you are always there for him. That's important too, so long as it doesn't diminish his sense of accomplishment in handling things himself (that's more a note for future reference, not specific to or criticizing this incident at all).

So, all in all, yes, keep an eye on things. Make sure your kids know that they can always come to you for anything. Stay positive and your kids will reap the rewards of becoming both self-reliant and well-supported! 

[Mara2]

Yeeter, I , too, worry about the effect of living with a parent with BPD.  My H has been verbally abusive with all the kids and began to be physical with S16.  I took the kids away for a time and after he was arrested once the physical stopped. 

I see a lot of anger in my kids (10,11,15,16).  For a time my S was in therapy, but he did not want to continue.  He has a pretty great group of friends and some mature mentors to talk to and I think that is important.  Like you, I keep an open discussion with all my kids so they know they can tell me anything- especially how they feel about what Papa has said or done. 

The other day S stood up to his father and wonder of wonders H actually backed down!  Later S asked me if he handled it correctly and I was able to reassure him that it was perfectly done.  I have shared with him much of what I am learning here and from my own T and he is mature enough to put it into practice.  Way to go Son! 

So keep up the good work and knowing they have a parent on their side will be a port in the storm for them. 

[briefcase]

Unfortunately, our spouses' mental health problems do have an impact on our children.  The kids have a mom with mental health issues, and that will not change.  There will be some impact.   

A few months ago, my D16 asked me out of the blue who "wore the pants" in our family.  I asked her what she thought.  Her answer was "Well, mom is pretty bossy . . but she doesn't control you."  Four years ago, the answer would have been "mom by a landslide."

All we can do is model strength and emotional maturity for our kids.  Be there for them, validate them and make sure they have a voice and feel heard.  Don't buy into unreasonable punishments or judgments that our spouses make about the kids (and usually in front of them) when they dysregulate, etc.  That's what we can do. 

And, Yeeter, you are doing it very well!