Crazy yourself

[Johan]

Has anyone ever had all their faults and shortcomings brought up, and made you feel crazy yourself, really, and make you break down? And make you feel you need therapist and finaly even admitting you need a therpaist to the same person that has BPD.

Then you step back and realize, what the hell?

The more I read these forums, the more things click, but this is something above I actually thought I was going crazy.

[hithere]

Everyone could probably benefit from seeing a therapist, especially someone in a relationship with a BPD. 

But yes, their reality is a strange place and when they start ripping you apart it can make you feel crazy.

[expos]

Was completely happy before I met my exBPD.  Never really was down or felt the need to talk to a therapist.  After the break-up, I was fine for a couple months then went completely crazy.  I had to stop myself from acting irrationally in public.  Constantly looking back and analyzing things I've done in my past.

BPD's are so good at control.  My ex wasn't particularly talented, nor as intelligent as myself, or even that well-liked by others.  She was a planner and always needed a game plan.  She was also very organized, but she was exceptionally good at "working someone over".  She did this to me a lot.  Very good at bartering and being able to talk down prices for cars, houses, home renovations, you name it.  She would bat her beautiful eyes and stick a knife in you at the same time.  Just freaking deadly.

... .  and so very good at making you feel terrible and but letting you know how important they were to your life.  It made me crazy.  I completely lost who I was in our relationship.   My parents, who we stayed with during the holidays a few times, told me that I looked like a beaten dog. 

[just_think]

The night I broke up with her, I said "I need help" and felt terrified. I was in therapy at that point already because of the way things had been going.

Yes, now that I'm back to old me, it's very much "what the hell?"

[propunchingbag]

I think what made me feel like I was going crazy was how I was responding to her rages. I have never said anything to anyone like I have said to her. She would hurt me so deeply that I would respond like it was life threatening.

I am less mad at myself, but I am embarrassed by my behavior. It was a version of me I never want to see again. 

Someone on this board called it "Emotional Rape" and they were spot on.

[drv3006]

Yes, Yes and Yes, I think I just posted about it.  Totally crazy, like it was me.  I still feel that way.  Thanks for your post. 

[ScotisGone74]

As part of their planning process they know exactly what ways to try to hurt us the most I believe or exactly what to use and bring up in order to get their way.  When my ExpwBPD began our relationship and was idealizing me she always just "Loved" how I was older than her and so experienced, in the end during my confused state while she was spending time with someone else behind my back she brought up I was getting old Ha.--almost like a five year old at the supermarket bringing up things to make their parents blush or laugh, its sad really.   I'm glad I'm no longer trying to reason, watch my back, or decipher words/rages from an emotionally five year old who is twenty six. 

[sunrising]

I was never in therapy before my BPD relationship.   I now think that every single person alive could benefit from therapy, but I never felt like I "needed" it.   It's now mandatory.

[propunchingbag]

I fully intend on getting therapy just as soon as possible.

[mssngpeces]

Ah how familiar all of this sounds and how everything on this board sounds. I too was a happy, caring, independent, and somewhat innocent person until my ex sucked the life out of me. I have codependent traits and really fell hard for my ex. My love ended up becoming an addiction and she brought out the absolute worst in me and I am ashamed at how I have acted. She methodically tortured my psyche with things she new would hurt me to the core. I was a loyal monogamist and she found ways to kill my ego through cheating and squashing my sexual spirit. She made me a very angry person then tried to turn around and blame me for everything, call me a psycho, and everything else she could think to make me believe I was crazy and evil all while never ever admitting to any wrong doing. They love to break you down as a method of control. I sought therapy while in the relationship and continue it. Funny that she being a former psych patient as a teen and alcoholic doesn't think she needs therapy at all.

[jaird]

I think what made me feel like I was going crazy was how I was responding to her rages. I have never said anything to anyone like I have said to her. She would hurt me so deeply that I would respond like it was life threatening.

I am less mad at myself, but I am embarrassed by my behavior. It was a version of me I never want to see again. 

Someone on this board called it "Emotional Rape" and they were spot on.

Ditto. I got very nasty too. Tried to defend myself first, when she would not listen to reason and raged on, I sometimes pushed her away by saying what I knew would hurt her. I'm sorry I did it now, and yes, I am in therapy now. The therapy started because of the breakup, but I think my T is right, why discuss her at the sessions? My life is really about me.

[LuckyEscapee]

If you get surrounded by crazy, and crazy becomes the norm, then it is unsurprising that some crazy rubs off.

I have always been confident, logical, and popular. I then started being told by someone I really loved that I was despicable, manipulative, horrid. I started to question myself. Perhaps I was, well no-one nice gets raged and harassed 24/7 do they?

I never raged back, I retreated and begged him to leave me alone. He wouldn't. I couldn't even think straight, I was sleep deprived, I was stressed out o the max. I reckon I was close to crazy. The one thing that kept me slightly sane was that I knew my parents had brought me up to be good, caring, considerate of others, and I knew they are good people.

Even months later after a wonderfully serene and tranquil time in post-BPD land, it was my birthday and all these people went out of their way to be lovely to me. I literally broke down, because I realised that he had made a small % of me think he was right.

My point is that we get better, we heal back up. They don't and can't unless they recognise and work on it. It's a process and takes time, but it does get better.

[ScotisGone74]

I was recently considering my own transformation from the beginning of my relationship with the expwBPD to how I am after the ending.  How I went from being a confident, happy, at peace guy to being a paranoid, angry, low self esteem man-how did all this happen I asked myself-it all has to do with the idealization, pick away, rage, devalue, discard strategy that BPD's use I believe.  They have to build you up immensely for starters, they say and do all the things to make you think they care, they slowly begin to peck away at your confidence at that point, then they rage at you for being the root of all their problems all while they are having you run around in circles to try to please them, they then devalue anything you've done for them, once they have gotten all they can out of you for their own purposes they are then finished-you are discarded.  Its only normal to become angry during this process-for several reasons, we don't understand what's going on, how we supposedly caused all of this, how we can make the situation better, etc. 

When someone we are supposed to love soo much makes us feel soo bad and become soo angry thats really what a toxic relationship is all about. 

[GreenMango]

Oh I knew if I chose this type of a relationship or want this person in my life on any basis other than a light acquaintance I must be need help.  I honestly think a really healthy person wouldn't choose to put up or stay with a person who behaves this way for any extended period of time without some form of give and take or forward movement towards a healthier dynamic.

So yeah something was wrong with my thinking.

[tailspin]

 

My ex told me he was walking on eggshells with me and that I was an emotional terrorist... .  and this was when I knew something was deeply and disturbingly wrong with him.  It was almost a  moment for me and it actually made it easier not to take it personally because these accusations were so completely absurd.

Maybe you can also look back and understand how they projected their faults upon us to make themselves feel better.  If we're the crazy one then maybe they are ok.  Much the same way we find it easier to believe they were the crazy ones and we are ok. 

Truth is... .  neither one of us was healthy but hopefully only one of us was crazy.

tailspin

[dharmagems]

It still strikes me how much of us have the same experience.  I did not have a good self esteem before I met my exhBPD.  And he built me up and then would rage/blame me.  He would treat me like he loved me, like a loving caring caregiver and then suddenly break me down in rage, saying it was all my fault.  Every time this happens I would go into panics, lock myself in my room, and he would yell through the door.  The rages brought up my abusive past of my FOO. 

I have managed to get out of the marriage, but I am a mess.  It is PTSD.  I am a walking panicked-ridden person.  EVerything I do, I question and I am fearing myself.  I've lost myself even more.  I broke down several times this year, in front of him.   Once when I could see and hear my ex start to rage/blame me, I began hitting and punching myself, in rage, just like my childhood caregivers would do.

Now,

All I could say is that everyday I am focusing on taking the upmost care of myself without him.  It is so difficult because I miss the comforts about being with a pwBPD, and the pain gets so unbearable, I have to watch if I go into depression, anxiety, or more self harm. 

I wish all of you safety and peace as I wish for myself. 

[jaird]

I was recently considering my own transformation from the beginning of my relationship with the expwBPD to how I am after the ending.  How I went from being a confident, happy, at peace guy to being a paranoid, angry, low self esteem man-how did all this happen I asked myself-it all has to do with the idealization, pick away, rage, devalue, discard strategy that BPD's use I believe.  They have to build you up immensely for starters, they say and do all the things to make you think they care, they slowly begin to peck away at your confidence at that point, then they rage at you for being the root of all their problems all while they are having you run around in circles to try to please them, they then devalue anything you've done for them, once they have gotten all they can out of you for their own purposes they are then finished-you are discarded.  Its only normal to become angry during this process-for several reasons, we don't understand what's going on, how we supposedly caused all of this, how we can make the situation better, etc. 

When someone we are supposed to love soo much makes us feel soo bad and become soo angry thats really what a toxic relationship is all about. 

Yes, we all seem to have the same experiences. My ex is seeming cruel now. Reaching out from time to time, if I show interest, I'm devalued and raged at again.