The threshold of splitting

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm still not convinced that splitting is involuntary.  The general view is that splitting is a primitive defence out of the control of the pw BPD. My experience with my undx BPD gf is that she had the ability to both control the intensity of her splitting and to defer it altogether. She could postpone her splitting if it was convenient for her.  When the conditions were right for her, ie: had a new bf secured in her life, then she split me. Tuesday I was her everything, Wednesday I was an object of hate. When the switch was thrown from love to hate, she cobbled together my various acts and utterances from the past few years which supported her false allegations and accusations that justified her dumping me for another guy. Has anyone else experienced this and does anyone else think that splitting may be a just convenient way the BPD person deletes people from his/her life?

[absurdio]

I'm still not convinced that splitting is involuntary.  The general view is that splitting is a primitive defence out of the control of the pw BPD. My experience with my undx BPD gf is that she had the ability to both control the intensity of her splitting and to defer it altogether. She could postpone her splitting if it was convenient for her.  When the conditions were right for her, ie: had a new bf secured in her life, then she split me. Tuesday I was her everything, Wednesday I was an object of hate. When the switch was thrown from love to hate, she cobbled together my various acts and utterances from the past few years which supported her false allegations and accusations that justified her dumping me for another guy. Has anyone else experienced this and does anyone else think that splitting may be a just convenient way the BPD person deletes people from his/her life?

[mango_flower]

Interesting.  Yes, it seems when they have no need for us at that time, they can split us.

I often wonder what is the trigger.

I haven only been painted black once that I know of and it was when (my interpretation) she had got everything she wanted from new girl, a ring on her finger... .  but still wasn't 100% happy.  Which clearly was my fault   So in order to justify why she didn't feel 100% happy, it surely must have been me.  And then she split me black and raged.

I'm not sure it was done deliberately, but I'm sure other times it may be... .  as in, I want to move on, and so I must convince myself that my ex was evil... .  

[j4c]

I think a big part of it all is convincing themselves that they're doing the right thing when they decide to leave us. Don't forget their feelings are facts so if they feel you are the enemy then they're must be reasons why! Some of the ridiculous reasons my uexBPDgf gave me before giving me the black paintbrush were laughable!

I went to bed an hour after her one night about 2 months before our break-up (i watched the end of a film) and that got crazily brought up as one of the reasons i was such a horrible bf! Another was that i never gave her kids any attention when in reality i gave them more than she did! I had the nerve to turn the tv channel over one night (even though she was in the kitchen cooking) and even that got a mention on "kicking me out day"  .

Obviously these outrageous excuses are laughable to anyone with an ounce of sanity but im pretty sure my ex will take the reasons for leaving me to her grave.

[GustheDog]

My totally unsupported theory is that they can hasten the process by forcing themselves to focus on negatives.  This would be analogous - though still very different - to what we sometimes do with respect to making a list of all the terrible things they did to us to help us detach.  Doing this helps stop the ruminating on the "good" times.

I sort of feel like this is exactly how my ex split me black - somewhat intentionally, or willingly, or knowingly - however you choose to describe it, there seemed to be a degree of awareness of precisely what was taking place.

And I ultimately felt much like an old arthritis-ridden dog that's been taken out behind the barn and shot between the eyes.  I was put down.

[LuckyEscapee]

My experience was that yes he could choose the timing to suit him. So if he needed me onside for something it would all stop, and he would be praising me to high heaven. Then literally hours past the thing he needed me for, it would all kick in again. I didn't know which way was up! 

He was totally conflicted in his head. He hated me, I had ruined his life, I was his soulmate, he will never find anyone close again. The escape was realising I didn't care either way, I just wanted off the crazy train.

[laelle]

I have found that my exbf split on me when he could not deal with listening or responding to my needs.  He would take a question like, I am having doubts about our plans for the future, and I am not sure if I am clear on your intentions.  Could you help me out here? and split on me.

Its seems to me to be COMPLETELY intentional.  As if I hit something too close to home and he has to avert attention from it.

Then I get an email full of twisted half truths.  I am not worthy of living and he is awesome.  Its the type of email you send someone you hate, not one you send to someone while your picking up the money they just sent you at the western union office.

He doesnt remember how you helped him out or made him feel better yesterday, or last nite, or even an hour ago.  He lives totally in the moment.