becareful what you wish for.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

well I have been sad today because tho I dont want the recycle parts of me do and I feel very angry at myself for not shaking this off. yesturday was her b day and that really mad me sad. becuase I wsnt spending it with her. her choice not mine but one that I have to stick by. anyway i was sitting her wondering why I havent heard from her at all in 7 days and out of nowhere I get a text. where she was thanking me for do something for her that involved work. first sound I have heard in 7 days and then that. It was a nice message but a little dry. then she signed off with her name like I wouldnt know who it was. Of course at first my heart was excited and then the dread filled it. then even more sadness that I have to ingnore it.

Does this side like a recycle attempt. In the past she usual starts trying to get my attention first by something that involves work or an emergency with her family or freinds and that way if I reject it im not rejecting her. crazy but that how she usual does it. Then it starts with late night texts of how much she missess me and stuff and I usually bite. this has brought me back to square one again. its really better if you dont hear or see them from them.

[mitchell16]

well I have been sad today because tho I dont want the recycle parts of me do and I feel very angry at myself for not shaking this off. yesturday was her b day and that really mad me sad. becuase I wsnt spending it with her. her choice not mine but one that I have to stick by. anyway i was sitting her wondering why I havent heard from her at all in 7 days and out of nowhere I get a text. where she was thanking me for do something for her that involved work. first sound I have heard in 7 days and then that. It was a nice message but a little dry. then she signed off with her name like I wouldnt know who it was. Of course at first my heart was excited and then the dread filled it. then even more sadness that I have to ingnore it.

Does this side like a recycle attempt. In the past she usual starts trying to get my attention first by something that involves work or an emergency with her family or freinds and that way if I reject it im not rejecting her. crazy but that how she usual does it. Then it starts with late night texts of how much she missess me and stuff and I usually bite. this has brought me back to square one again. its really better if you dont hear or see them from them.

[mango_flower]

That's tough - I always hate when my ex refers to me by my surname, as in, it just feels so "Matey" and I'm sure she does it on purpose, a) to make a point to me that we're just friends now and b) partly to convince herself!

I wouldn't instinctively think it's a recycle attempt as it was quite formal... .  but who knows.  I don't know enough of your history to make a judgement.

Sounds like you're totally confused about whether you want a recycle - like your heart does, and your head says no. And that's why it's easier when she stays away, right? x

[mitchell16]

I might not be a recycle but she has pulled smilar ploys before. maybe not this time but who knows. It is very easy when she stays away and makes no contact.

[fakename]

its always a recycle. at least from my experience. any time she makes contact after a breakup, always always always a recycle. though she tries to play it off in the beginning... .  

[Suzn]

I might not be a recycle but she has pulled smilar ploys before. maybe not this time but who knows. It is very easy when she stays away and makes no contact.

I'm sorry you're hurting right now mitchell, sometimes "taking care of you" isn't fun. It's only a recycle if both parties agree to it. What are you doing for you lately?

[jaird]

This is the leaving/healing board. I don't want to be a bpdfamily nazi, they have moderators for that  But there is an undecided board.

[mitchell16]

Im doing plenty for myself. Im going out with friends, started back at the gym. have connetced with an old friends I have saw in 20 years it been nice. Ive recentely started working on a remodling project in my house.

suzn, I agree I might have should have said is this a recycle attempt because if I was loking for a recycle for myself I would have jumped at the chance. I just simply ignored it and went on. But it did bother me and changed how I felt the rest of the day.

jaird, Hmmm interesting post. Im not undecided. I was expressing myself about how the phone call/ texts effected me. I was looking for support and encouragement from persons who have been there with this behavior and it does get very confusing at times. I was attempting to reach out to people instead of caving. I have found on these boards , most who are done crave a recycle and contact even when they dread it and really dont want it. maybe I didnt express my post the way I wanted it to come across.

But make no mistake, Im am done with that dead end relationship. But i do know that I still have moments of weakness that come and go.

[GreenMango]

Mitchell sometimes it takes a plan to handle not going back to something that you know is bad for you.

Maybe you could start there -baby steps.

When she calls do you always answer?

[mitchell16]

i used to would hold out for a day or two or a few text messages or I would wait then the more deparate the texts or calls got then I would cave in. But I think what i was trying to convey as bad as people think theyw nat to hear form them when you do it just sends your heart sinking. I know ive read people talking about wishing or wonodering why they havent heard from theirs. I trust me this has been me many of times and even tho I was done I stilled craved teh attention from her by a text or call. But when I got it the other day its just made my heart sink. Made it sink and think about all the good times and then it made me sad that I had been forced to put her out of my life and forced to go NC for my own sanity. its so sad that you have to resort to such tactics with a person you love so much just to get a peace of mind. so I think i just wanted to express and get feedback that as bad as a person want that phone call or text in the long run it just creates more anxiety.

[paperlung]

Do what I did. Change your phone number. That way she can't call or text you anymore, then you can hopefully move on with your life instead of always worrying when she's going to contact you next.

Despite my best efforts, my ex called my house (I still live with my parents) and talked to mom, but it was basically just pass on information to me; that she got diagnosed with BPD and I was right all along in my assumption. She has some new man in her life now who lives thousands of miles away, so she no longer needs me. I don't think I'm going to hear from her again.

[Peterpan]

I think we have ALL said this before, "I don't think I will hear from them again"

It goes so many days, we decide 'that's it'... . then we get a crumb,feel good... . short lived good feelings, then back to square one again with a bump!

Yes it is a roller coaster indeed, and I started out on the 'undecided' board, and with the back and forth behaviour,,and still loving this man... . I kept  moving over to the 'leaving board'

I think really that we are so damn confused, living in hope, knowing we need to leave,etc, that we don't know where the hell we are,OR where we need to post.

I'm sure that most of us on here have been,,over and done... . then back on again... . and have all been all over the place during these dysfunctional ralationships and dances.

In my opinion, I'm sure that ANY contact after a break, is just designed to put the feelers out, to see if you are still available... . and still willing to answer... . just to make THEM feel good.

On my own part, we had a texting thing going on where HE had full control,,I could never initiate contact, and I thought it was very sad that 'the love of his life' could NOT text him and wish him a happy Birthday.

I had to wait for him to text me before I could answer, and it felt like... . I'm here, you can tell me now... . control at its finest!

As for posting on different boards... .    that is becasue oour minds tell us we need to leave one day... . and our hearts tell us we want to hang on.

[jaird]

I think we have ALL said this before, "I don't think I will hear from them again"

It goes so many days, we decide 'that's it'... . then we get a crumb,feel good... . short lived good feelings, then back to square one again with a bump!

Yes it is a roller coaster indeed, and I started out on the 'undecided' board, and with the back and forth behaviour,,and still loving this man... . I kept  moving over to the 'leaving board'

I think really that we are so damn confused, living in hope, knowing we need to leave,etc, that we don't know where the hell we are,OR where we need to post.

I'm sure that most of us on here have been,,over and done... . then back on again... . and have all been all over the place during these dysfunctional ralationships and dances.

In my opinion, I'm sure that ANY contact after a break, is just designed to put the feelers out, to see if you are still available... . and still willing to answer... . just to make THEM feel good.

On my own part, we had a texting thing going on where HE had full control,,I could never initiate contact, and I thought it was very sad that 'the love of his life' could NOT text him and wish him a happy Birthday.

I had to wait for him to text me before I could answer, and it felt like... . I'm here, you can tell me now... . control at its finest!

As for posting on different boards... .    that is becasue oour minds tell us we need to leave one day... . and our hearts tell us we want to hang on.

Great insights Peterpan.

Yes, we are all confused, besides hurting. I started out on the Undecided board too. I'm glad I'm on the Detaching board now.

I do believe it as all about "feelers". I do believe that they want someone on the back burner in case their new relationship goes sour. Or maybe my ex just has a hard time detaching from me, as I do from her. She says this is the case. She sees a new man, friends with benefits, but he does not love her she says, and right now she claims to be so cold and damaged that she uses him for sex and companionship, but will let no one into her heart, soul or mind. Sounds pretty sad to me, but she says she is happy with it, and she always needed sex on a regular basis. She is really all about herself now.

The other aspect is control. Mine will reach out now with an email about BPD websites or something she read, and I then assume she is working on her issues or at least interested in working on them. This will usually lead to a dozen emails back and forth some mornings. Sometimes I follow up with a text, and then we sometimes text for hours. It seems like old times, but it doesn't last long-a few days at most, sometimes just a few hours. She will quickly revert back to conversations about what I did "wrong", what I did that hurt her, and then she will launch a full scale inquisition into what I am doing now as far as women. And the truth is, I am doing nothing. I am really just healing and working out, and doing laundry,and buying groceries. But my ex will look for any tidbit of information about anyone I talked to or anyone I saw, and then twist this into a "You are no good you'll always be a cheater and I can't trust you" speech. This from an ex who broke up with me three months ago and sleeps with someone else now. It's all distortion, twisted facts, and some projection, and it's demeaning, manipulative, and controlling.

[mitchell16]

paperlung, I wished i could but do to our work I cant. and even if I could I have to put in on a company roster where she could still get the number. So it would really be a waste of time. But it sure would make it easier. I do beleive the last contact other day was a feeler. It was the day after her b-day and I didnt call her for b-day and im sure she was banking that I would. so she sent out a feeler text. normaly thats all it would take or I would engage her about work or what other problem she might be having and then it would lead to the recycle. But this time I just ignored it. Havent heard a sound since. She cant handle any form of rejecting. and she will normally start the recycle on some sort of neutral ground. To see if im receptive if im not I didnt reject her I rejected work, in her mind. Ive seen in it thru about 10 or more recycles in two years. the first year it was about every 2 months or so but here towards the end the push away was about every 3 or 4 weeks. Once it was 3 times in about 4 weeks. I will agree alot of it has to do with control. for instance if I call or text her if she dont want to answer or repsond she just dont, Im supposed to understand and in her mind its oks. But if she calls and I dont answer she makes a big production that Im was rejecting her and how could I do that dont I know how hard it is for her to put emotions on the line and blah blah. same with sex if I want it and she doesnt Im suppsoed to understand, which I do. No problem. but if I dont wnat it or am tired then once again I  rejected her and made her feel like she was sexy enough and so on and on. its really all about them, there feeling, their emotions and you will always lose. this is a leeson I have had to learn the hard way. But that does mean I dont miss her, or still love her. and I do crave contact with her but I know its like poision. It will kill me sooner or later

[jaird]

"I do crave contact with her but I know its like poision. It will kill me sooner or later"

One of the songs/music video my ex and I liked was Kenny Chesney and a woman who's name I forgot (Grace?) singing:


'Cause you and Tequila make me crazy

Run like poison in my blood

One more night could kill me, baby

One is one too many, one more is never enough

[Clearmind]

I will agree alot of it has to do with control.

Yes! It could be control on both sides. One dynamic which is hard to get our heads around is push/pull. Texting is a great carrier for push/pull. We can choose to engage, we can choose to not engage.

for instance if I call or text her if she dont want to answer or repsond she just dont, Im supposed to understand and in her mind its oks. But if she calls and I dont answer she makes a big production that Im was rejecting her and how could I do that dont I know how hard it is for her to put emotions on the line and blah blah. same with sex if I want it and she doesnt Im suppsoed to understand, which I do. No problem. but if I dont wnat it or am tired then once again I  rejected her and made her feel like she was sexy enough and so on and on. its really all about them, there feeling, their emotions and you will always lose.

Does this dynamic sound like a healthy one?

It helps to separate the facts from the emotion. Fact is she will reach out, however, does it mean the same thing to you as it does to her? Maybe not!

[mitchell16]

well it started full blown last night. It started with a innocent text, I dindt repond. It went one threating text after another. I didnt repond to any of them. In one she basically threating toi expose me to her family friends for something I didnt do. she knows that I didnt. Then it went phone calls which I didnt any. I then just my phone off. I saw this morning where I had 4 voice mails where she is telling how pathetic of a person I am and how I didnt really love her. It was horrible. I then get a text mesaeg this morning telling me she was sorry that she got drunk and was just very lonely for me. and that it would happen again that she was deleting me from her phone. I didnt get weak and answer but it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. she sounded so full of pain and It made me feel like I was causing it. Very hard to hear someone you love in pain and misery and not reach out for them to comfort them. even tho in her last text to me weeks ago she wouldnt take my calls and told me she never wanted to talk to me again. and that was al I heard from her. This is misery.

[Clearmind]

mitchell, you are actually helping her by not answering. You are also helping yourself - its not your role to self soothe her - she needs to do that on her own.

She is innately impulsive - she will send texts like this and just as quick stop. Don't engage my friend.

[mitchell16]

clearmind, I hope I am. Like I said he voicemails and text message were very hateful and rude. This what she asked for, not I. I was devoted to this person for 2 years and done everything in my power to make her happy. Impossible. The last break up out 15 or so was once gain from her, geting drunk, raging at me and then telling me to get out of her life, When I tried to contct her the next when she had time to sober up. she texted me and told me she was done every speaking to me. So I went NC. know its been several weeks without contact and then she decideds that she wasnt to speak and I should be availably to her. wow really. The calls and text last night were very disturbing. very hurteful and broke my heart becasuse It sounded like she was hurting and its hard to ignore someone you love when they are in pain. they make you think you caused the pain. very sad. But like I have said I have to do what I can to move on, for my sanity and my life. but it is tough. After the nasty calls and texts then she sendsone this morning saying she was sorry that she was  drunk and lonely. I hope for my sake this the last of hearing from her becasue it is almost impossible to withstand.

[Clearmind]

There are ways to balance your emotions during these times rather than reaching out to her. We dive into our emotional brain, and all hell breaks loose – we need to remind ourselves of the facts, the reality – not the razzle and dazzle of what we think the situation is.

It’s interesting how we reach out to those that abuse us. We want to feel validated by the very person who is invalidating. Food for thought Mitchell! Any ideas why this maybe the case?

[jaird]

well it started full blown last night. It started with a innocent text, I dindt repond. It went one threating text after another. I didnt repond to any of them. In one she basically threating toi expose me to her family friends for something I didnt do. she knows that I didnt. Then it went phone calls which I didnt any. I then just my phone off. I saw this morning where I had 4 voice mails where she is telling how pathetic of a person I am and how I didnt really love her. It was horrible. I then get a text mesaeg this morning telling me she was sorry that she got drunk and was just very lonely for me. and that it would happen again that she was deleting me from her phone. I didnt get weak and answer but it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. she sounded so full of pain and It made me feel like I was causing it. Very hard to hear someone you love in pain and misery and not reach out for them to comfort them. even tho in her last text to me weeks ago she wouldnt take my calls and told me she never wanted to talk to me again. and that was al I heard from her. This is misery.

I know all too well how these texts and voicemails and phone calls go, and how upsetting they can be. What I don't get is that if someone is harassing you, upsetting you, you should be able to block everything from their phone in your cell providers website. Landlines too, I would imagine.