I think I have gotten to this point by learning about BPD and why I had a fixer up mentality.
My late wife went through a long protracted illness for 5 years that I stood by powerless to do anything.
I think when I met my BPDers I thought I could at least fix there tattered life especially since they expressed a desire to change things.
As for change and confidence I tend to think of myself more especially with age.I also know and have met some high quality normal woman .I also have been fortunate enough to be involved in some normal healthy r/s prior to my BPD r/s.
As for work needed on my part I know I have my quirks and issues and my ADD impacts on a r/s.
Thank you for asking
I am glad to hear of someone doing well and moving on. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 7, and have been on Ritalin/Adderal on and off ever since, and I am 50 now. Before my last giant run in with my exBPDgf, I thought that my ADD was organic and pretty well offset with medication, that my problems from my youth were behind me. Then I got in to an r/s with my pwBPD a second time (27 yrs after the first time)... and it went very badly, we recycled about 7 times before I ended it. She gave me a lot of grief and when really mad would even resort to the truth if it would hurt me more. She said I didn't love her, I had an attachment problem and was too stupid to know it. Later I read books on attachment theory and found she was right, my malignant NPD dad and cold/distant mother helped me to develop a fearful/avoidant attachment style... which has symptoms exactly like ADD/ADHD, but from a fidgety anxious basis. As part of my T's treatments I learned about mindfulness, and it did wonders to drop my anxiety level and stop ruminating... and to my amazement... when I am not anxious... I don't have any ADD symptoms.
The attachment theory stuff also led me to schema therapy literature, and I took a schema therapy assessment ... . about 150 questions, pain to score, but it ends up by giving you a score on 14 schema types to see where you function relative to most people, and on 6 of the schemas, I was more than 2 std deviations off of normal... and in reading the descriptions of the self defeating behaviors associated with each one, it was startlingly accurate. There is a book called "Reinventing your life" that is based on the schemas and what you can do to address each of the problem areas. The tests was well worth the time it took to do it, as it made clear where the issues were.
I hope you are successful in moving on from your r/s with a pwBPD... . they seem to inflict a great deal of hurt and pain, but also shine a light on our issues, and if we are willing to address them, could even lead to some positive change for us.
