Dreams

[mango_flower]

I still dream of her every night. It's been 4 months and she has truly moved on and is engaged.

Every night she is with me in my dreams.  They're happy dreams, where we're together and laughing, and it's just so "right".  Even when I have no contact, the dreams still happen.

They don't distress me, they're of happy times together.

But it's making it harder to psychologically detach.

Any thoughts?

P.S These even happen on days where I have had no contact with her, and have been busy at work followed by dinner with a friend... .  

It's hard to get distance, when you're doing all the right things, but she's with you in your dreams every night!

[Newton]

mango... .  I don't dream so much... .  when I do... .  how I feel and think about those dreams in the morning and my interpretation of them seems much more important than the dreams themselves... .  

It's an interesting subject you have brought up... .  (I will elaborate in this thread!)... .  

How do those dreams influence your feelings and thoughts when you reflect on them?... .  

[mssomebodynice]

Embrace dreams.  They are safe and the person in them isn't her really, it is 'perfect her' of whom doesn't exist.  She is your perfect mate but she just looks like her.  Go find her!  She is out there somewhere! 

[Suzn]

mango dreams are the sub conscious problem solving while we sleep. They are full of symbolism that can be helping you deal with your emotions. I love dream interpretation, it became a hobby to look up the symbols in my dreams. It's surprising how dreams can help you come to terms with the emotions you're feeling. I simply used google, type in "dreams about hit__." Fill in the blank with one of the symbols from your dream, there are usually several symbols. Be specific.   

[nowwhatz]

I have been through many recycles.

At first ... .  a lot of dreams and things that remind me would cause a lot of pain.

But after x number of recycles the dreams and other reminders have decreased.

I can think of only one dream since we broke it off (when ? a month ago? I can't remember) the last time... .  yeah I woke up in the morning bothered.

Mango as time goes on I think you will have less and less of these dreams.

[nowwhatz]

I have been through many recycles.

At first ... .  a lot of dreams and things that remind me would cause a lot of pain.

But after x number of recycles the dreams and other reminders have decreased.

I can think of only one dream since we broke it off (when ? a month ago? I can't remember) the last time... .  yeah I woke up in the morning bothered.

Mango as time goes on I think you will have less and less of these dreams. That is great that the dreams do not distress you!

[mango_flower]

Embrace dreams.  They are safe and the person in them isn't her really, it is 'perfect her' of whom doesn't exist.  She is your perfect mate but she just looks like her.  Go find her!  She is out there somewhere! 

This made me smile so much this morning!

This links into Suzn and Newton's points too - how they make me feel - because they make me feel safe, and like I am complete with my girl there.  So maybe it's how I CAN feel in the future, the feeling I will get when I eventually find my perfect partner.  That's a good thought.  Thank you guys!

Nowwhatz - thanks - yes, I am sure in time these dreams will decrease when I get more involved with other things

[real lady]

My uBPDso and I were together for 4 years, 26 years ago; first loves. Deep love, soul mates, etc. For many years, while married to another man, I dreamt of him. Wonderful/terrible dreams I called them because I was "cheating" with him in my dreams. It went on for years, knowing, that I would probably not ever even see him again. I had these dreams during marriage when my current husband (now ex) was abusive, mentally and emotionally controlling, and I "dreamt of my true love" as an escape.

For you, I would consider them "hope that you will love again" but that this "perfect her" in your dreams are just how you would LIKE her to be.

I saw my current uBPDso in my dreams wearing a suit and looking hot. He hates suits. That is the image I WANTED TO SEE.

Maybe your dreams are letting you "let go" in your time. Be gentle with yourself and enjoy your memories but remember the BPD.

[charred]

I had very painful dreams, back when I still idealized her and she had devalued and dumped me... .  basically I was pining for her. Years later, we recycled, and fought like cats and dogs and my perception changed from idealizing her, to seeing her for the disordered person she is, and eventually the hater behavior she had toward me led me to seek help, as I couldn't accept being in an abusive relationship. Those shifts in perception over time... eliminated the hurtful dreams. The reality of the dreams was that our r/s was a nightmare.

The thing about the r/s with a pwBPD is it gets under your skin. It does that  because you are a bit needy and they seem like what you need... unconditional love from this apparently perfect person... .  but its an act, mirroring... and you idealize them and give them the kind of primary attachment you would have with a perfect parent... .  but they don't deserve it, and something is off... .  then when the end comes the pain is way out of proportion to a normal breakup... because they met some deep needs in you... temporarily and with what was an act... to them, you met some needs as well, but it might have been the much lesser need to have "someone"... and when you seemed less than perfect they move on... without much fanfare, because you were "someone"... .  the words they said, the dreams you had... were your dreams. It bites, and you are not alone, these boards are full of people that made the same mistake of ignoring red flags and failing to see their pwBPD for what they were, a desperate disordered person with stunted emotional development... .  not the perfect partner you elevated them to be. Accepting the reality of the situation helps stop the dreams... but its painful to do, that attachment is like suddenly losing a parent... .  deep hurting... .  but confusing because they are still walking around, or worse yet with someone else.

[mtmc01]

In my experience so far 5 weeks out, your dreams will reflect your progress. I had dreams about us getting back together every night for the first 3 or so weeks. Then my sister and therapist helped me to realize that I was NOT solely to blame for this, and I started getting a little mad at her. I'd start having dreams about her cheating on me and things like that painting her in a bad light. And now that we've been NC for 2 weeks, I had a dream last night that we were still living together, but just as roommates for some reason and she was dating some other guy and drinking again... .  but not my problem. It still sucks, but the dreams will change... .  and hopefully disappear altogether.

[recoil]

Strangely enough, I didn't have many dreams after my break-up --- until recently.  It's been ~ two months and now I'm having "get back together" dreams every single night.

Honestly, they are very nice.  Last night I dreamt that she came and gave me a hug and sat on me (Santa style).  I melted in her arms.

I don't know what my sub-c is trying to tell me but I know one thing, I still really love her.  I really wish she wasn't disordered.  Maybe if I see a falling star I'll make a wish... .

[expos]

I still dream of her every night. It's been 4 months and she has truly moved on and is engaged.

Every night she is with me in my dreams.  They're happy dreams, where we're together and laughing, and it's just so "right".  Even when I have no contact, the dreams still happen.

They don't distress me, they're of happy times together.

But it's making it harder to psychologically detach.

Any thoughts?

P.S These even happen on days where I have had no contact with her, and have been busy at work followed by dinner with a friend... .  

It's hard to get distance, when you're doing all the right things, but she's with you in your dreams every night!

THIS IS ME.  RIGHT NOW.  Every night I am seeing my ex-wife in the idealization stage.  Looking young, pretty, full of life.  I'm having distinct memories of the places she lived... . it is so clear in my head.  It is like she is sitting next to me right now.  I made a post about this today.  My mind is erasing the devaluation stage I had with her and I'm feeling an incredible amount of guilt about leaving our abusive marriage.

I feel your pain, mango. 

[expos]

Strangely enough, I didn't have many dreams after my break-up --- until recently.  It's been ~ two months and now I'm having "get back together" dreams every single night.

Honestly, they are very nice.  Last night I dreamt that she came and gave me a hug and sat on me (Santa style).  I melted in her arms.

I don't know what my sub-c is trying to tell me but I know one thing, I still really love her.  I really wish she wasn't disordered.  Maybe if I see a falling star I'll make a wish... .

Me too.  :)o you ever get the feeling, that with what you know now, you are so much more prepared to take care and "corral" her to instill a better relationship?  I was so unaware of what my ex-wife had in terms of this illness until it was too late.  It makes me feel completely irresponsible towards someone I apparently loved.

Man, if she only knew how much I cared... .

[lostkitten]

Mango_Flower, I think we are in the SAME spot!

He's in my dreams. Last night, we were dressed up at an engagement party for us (We never had one, nor had plans to have) and everyone was saying how happy they were we got back together. I vivdly remember laughing and looking over at him, and he was doing the same, and just felt so safe. The weird part, is that theres a photograph of us, taken at a friends wedding, where we are doing just that - you can SEE the love. It hurt to wake up alone.

xoxo

[recoil]

Me too.  Do you ever get the feeling, that with what you know now, you are so much more prepared to take care and "corral" her to instill a better relationship?  I was so unaware of what my ex-wife had in terms of this illness until it was too late.  It makes me feel completely irresponsible towards someone I apparently loved.

I actually tried using a lot of the tools for a few months and I was able to make the relationship a bit better.  But it didn't "cure" anything.  My needs were not being met so resentment continued to grow.  I was still getting a lot of push/pull (every single month).  I felt as though I was giving up a part of my soul to make this "transaction" "work".  In the end, I had to walk away after being asked for a "break".  She was withdrawing too much.  I had to draw a line somewhere.

[Hurt llama]

mango dreams are the sub conscious problem solving while we sleep. They are full of symbolism that can be helping you deal with your emotions. I love dream interpretation, it became a hobby to look up the symbols in my dreams. It's surprising how dreams can help you come to terms with the emotions you're feeling. I simply used google, type in "dreams about hit__." Fill in the blank with one of the symbols from your dream, there are usually several symbols. Be specific.   

I had a dream and in the middle of it I got 'bonked' in the head with a bottle. It wasn't particularly violent but it woke me up instantly... . My instant interpretation was it was smack in the head to 'get it'... and it was actually pretty funny.

I have intense dreams almost every night... and don't remember one good one about my exBPDgf and we are still closely connected and when I see her the same old (black) magic is still there.

[clairedair]

I dream a lot - new T is delighted 

The good ones mean waking up and realising it was fantasy; the bad ones mean waking up feeling awful.  I guess it is a way of getting things out of my system because it's impossible to have real life healthy discussion.

I have gone back and forth with ex several times and my dreams have quite often anticipated what's about to happen - his leaving, being with gf, coming back.  Bit spooky at times and I'm not someone who believes in psychic powers!

The dream that sticks in my head though is one I had some time ago.  In it, my UpwBPD threw acid over me and then tried to comfort me and hug me.  Reflected the confusion of his ability to really hurt me (not physically) and then want to really love me.

Most recent dream was in context of wanting to really tell him in real life how angry I was about something but knowing that I wouldn't get the apology/change in behaviour I was needing.  In the dream, I started to tell him that I couldn't forgive him.  Before I could say anything else, he started to be violently sick and I rushed to look after him.  I wrote the dream down when I woke up and the words I put on paper were "I was left to clean up the mess alone".

Some dreams need no interpretation!

[real lady]

I remember many of my dreams nightly. My dreams usually involve "the clock", where I have to be somewhere (work and I do NOT work outside the home) and I "have to get back" to work... . strange.

Last night, I got a FLAT "Pepsi" (and I don't like pepsi) and paid $1.30 for it... . too high a price and I was upset that I didn't get what I paid for and didn't have time to correct it.

This tell me that:

1- Don't waste time, get back to work. ()

(living with uBPDso and trying to GET OUT)

2- You've been ripped off, don't go back for more "flat pepsi", SWITCH brands and have what you want.

(Cheated by uBPDso and his promises, we drank Pepsi in college, I just realized this... . and both switched to Coke later. This is about him.)