exBPD gf says i wasnt a good enough bf

[me757]

This site has really opened my eyes with what was going on with my exgf. We were together for 5 months and broke up 4 months ago. The relationship started off amazing and we were head over heels for each other. The only red flag I saw was that she drank a lot and was basically a high functioning alcoholic. We were both in college at the time and didn't have full time jobs so I guess she could get away with the drinking. Besides that, the first month was incredible and we were together all the time. She would joke about how she was going to marry me and I'd just smile. I didn't think she was that serious.

So the first hiccup happened when I went away on vacation for 10 days about a month into us seeing each other everyday. I didn't suspect anything but then she called me the 6th night stone cold and drunk and mentioned that she was sleeping over at her exbf's house. I got really mad and then she mentioned that I had nothing to worry about. She said she thought I was hooking up out on my vacation, which I wasnt. She hung up and turned her phone off. After that I lost so much trust but still wanted to try. Her excuse was that I never said we were official - which is true. So I gave her a pass even though she said nothing happened.

Well long story short, whenever I wasn't with her she basically had to hang out with another guy or pass out drunk at her place. The first time we broke up was by me after she stood me up and passed out at her ex's house after drinking all day with him. She lost her mind. Of course we recycled and throughout the rest of our relationship either she or I broke up and then got back together within days. Meanwhile, all through this time she would constantly talk about marriage. She would often say that she'd shape up once there was a ring on her finger. There was no way I could marry her although I would have considered it if she got help and was on good behavior for at least a year. She had no intentions of getting help and would often get very defensive. When I wouldn't cave to marriage things went downhill fast and she definitely started talking to a new guy. Whats funny as this new guy came into picture as soon as she discarded the guy she was dating before me.

The final straw was when she called me up drunk and said I had competition on the same day my grandmother died. I said we were done then and she agreed. Within a day or two she was calling me like crazy trying to get me back. I ended it because I couldn't take how she had so many orbiters and was talking to a new guy a lot behind my back. I was also about to go on xmas vacation for 2 weeks and couldnt handle the stress of wondering what she would do. She never seemed to understand that I needed her to change to regain my trust.

Within a week of breaking up she was already with that guy that I suspected something. However, she still called me all the time. Long story short, in the last 4 months of our break up she has been seeing this guy but also her and I have been still seeing each other at least once a week. He went away for a week and then her and I ended up spending almost the entire week together and were basically a couple again. (So this is what she did to me when I was out of town.) Once the guy came back she disappeared. On top of this, during that week she said he was going to propose to her very soon - only 3 months of dating. I wasn't surprised but it still was shocking how dumb both of them were.

So after anticipating the engagement I finally snapped and texted her that I was done doing this side crap. She agreed. This was a few days ago.

So I think she probably has BPD. Her dad left home when she was in high school and her mom seems kind of crazy. Her grandfather died last year and it still really hurts her so it seems like she has no role models left. She is always crying about having to be the parent with her mom now - who is a mess. I think shes had 5 bfs within the last year too. She also always says I remind her of her dad who she says is in his own world.

The part that I'm not sure about is that she always said that I didn't give her enough love and didn't treat her like a gf. We saw each other almost everyday and I thought that I was pretty good. But heres the thing... she is my first real gf and I'm in my mid 20's. I've always been kind of a loner and I think I can honestly say that I'm a little self-absorbed. So it screws me up because I thought I was caring but maybe she is right in this department. Its hard for me to open up. I'd always counter to her that I was having trouble being more emotional because of all the crap she would pull with flirting and facebook chatting all these guys. I read the codependant part of this site, which made me think that maybe I could be that.

I know that I shouldn't ever take her back, especially after this classic BPD stuff like getting this weak guy to propose already... but it does upset me that maybe I wasn't emotionally available enough. I guess I need to keep reminding myself that she did all this crap and was an abusive drunk... I feel like I was caring and good to her even though I can be very focused on myself. She seems to forget so much of what I did well. I bought her flowers, set up really cool dates, encouraged her to go for dreams... .    I gave up a lot of hobbies because I was with her so much. I hope this is just her devaluation of me and that I'm really not that bad of a bf/emotionally unavailable.

[mssomebodynice]

Keep reading the posts.  Keep understanding their illness, because it will help you to accept that they are not right.  BPD's will often try to turn the tables and make it you who is the crazy one.  You will get there.  That is why so many of us are here.  I hope you have a comforting night.  Hugs.

[paperlung]

My ex used to say the same thing to; I wasn't loving/caring enough, which was bullocks. She was just extremely needy and expected way too much out of me. While she just sleeping till 5 or 6 PM every day, I was going to school and had a job, but all that mattered to her was herself and her needs. She would blame it on the medication I take for my anxiety (Celexa); that I was emotionless on it. She never made it an an issue until way later on into the relationship.

You don't want to be with an alcoholic, man. You're better off without her and her drama.

[me757]

Thanks. Yeah, this website has given me a lot of closure on the matter. I wouldn't have let it get stringed along for 4 months if I have realized that she had BPD. Now I feel like there is no way I can be with her again. The hard part will be when/if she tries to re-engage. I suspect she will even if she's engaged.

[GreenMango]

Her behavior isn't conducive to a stable relationship or marriage.  The alcohol alone is ripe with problems.

You are young and have a future.  Imagine what that future could look like with a person who has these problems and one without.

Sell yourself on the one without.

[me757]

I'll never ignore red flags again. My ex would also tell me to get my ~ together when she had no job and was an alcoholic. Probably just projection. She also was so afraid of me cheating, which was probably projection as well. Glad to be on the way out of this relationship. Can't thank this website enough.

[kahnighit]

The thing that stands out to me is the putting the cart in front of the horse regarding marriage.  My BPDexgf was relentless about it.  "I can't let you meet my daughter til you put a ring on my finger."  Now I understand the want to protect your child but it's the absolute, no-compromise, all-or-nothing delivery and attitude of this that sets it apart.

As far as being good enough?  No one ever is.  You will be compared to an ever shifting/changing standard of "normal" and "what everyone else does" to keep you on your heels and to fortify her latest arbitrary complaint/need/meltdown.  

Consider yourself lucky that you didn't sink years into her.  It looks like you've done an excellent job of assessing specific times where things went wrong and identifying the red flags.  Hopefully you won't run into another one like her but if you do you know what to watch out for.  Substance abuse, glaring double standards and irrational fixation on getting hitched asap being some of the bigger ones.

[me757]

You are dead on about double standards.