Feeling a little disconnected

[HappyGoLucky]

I haven't posted for a while... .  lots of things have been happening in my life and I am feeling a little perplexed about my responses... .  At times I feel quite cold and uncaring... .  I have taken the approach... .  to take my emotions out of my responses!

My sister and brother have both been undergoing cancer treatment - sister has breast cancer and my brother advanced melanoma. My mother has upped the anti with her behaviour while this has been going on and keeps saying that it is hard to see her two children going thru treatment. I completely understand that it is hard... .  for everyone... .  but... .  because I don't have a lot to do with my mother (NC - my decision) nobody in my family knows about my own health issues and I won't be discussing them. I recently had a conversation with my sister who has now finished treatment and I was told that I have no idea of what she has been through. I understand that I have not had cancer and that I feel for her having to go through such intensive treatment... .  All I could say was that it is great that she has come out the other side and sometimes bad things happen but good can come from them. Meaning that changing aspects of your life, not sweating the small stuff, and making the most of every day is what matters. I also mentioned that we are born to die... .  and it's what we do while we are on this earth that matters. My sister is very much like my mother.

Anyway... .  my auntie passed away yesterday. Again it was other family members that went to my mother and sat with her while waiting for the news. I could not bring myself to do it. I could not sit around and listen to what she had to say. Eventually when my auntie did pass away, my other sister contacted me and I then decided to speak with my mother.

After spending time with my mother (my husband came with me) I got in the car and felt unresponsive... .  I felt like Gina Hard Face B... ch! I then called around to see my brother... .  who felt like arguing with me over anything that I spoke to him about. Little things about my holiday and all I could hear was negative responses coming from him.

I got in the car... .  said to my husband... .  that is it... .  I am not trying anymore.

It's too hard... .  I think that I need to be content with being the black sheep for now.

I do feel cold... .  and maybe come across as insensitive and uncaring.

But it is the best I can do to listen and say nothing. When I do say something... .  I feel like I am being attacked. Even for minor things... .  

Cheers

HappyGoLucky

[Clearmind]

HappyGoLucky, is it possible you do actually care - which is the reason you are shutting off your emotions to protect yourself from further hurt?

Its true we all have own healing path, having been brought up in such an environment. Given this is the case we will sometimes not handle difficult situations, take things personally and shut ourselves off as a form of protection.

Boundaries protect us - letting go of the hurt is a great start, learning new ways to not take things personally can also benefit greatly.

Any ideas how you might move through this hurt?

[sad but wiser]

Aw Happygolucky, I'm sorry that your relationship with your mom is this way.  A mother is a powerful thing, she has so much influence over our self-image.  I think what happened was your human dignity kicked in.  Perhaps some time to learn how to deal with her and reminding yourself of how her mind works will help.  My dad died after a couple of years of dementia.  It was so hard to love him when he could be so mean, but he was sick and I did love him.  He was my dad, after all.

Be good to yourself. 

[HappyGoLucky]

Thank you for your responses... .  and I will need to address how I can deal with and move through the hurt.

My mother and sister have said some extremely hurtful statements to me over the years.

I just sit back and take it... .  and when I do respond at times... .  I get it thrown back at me.

That is why NC for me has been to preserve myself.

I have had counselling over some of the main issues... .  plus I have a daughter with BPD... .  

Obviously there is a genetic factor to all of this in my family.

Statements are made, accusations thrown, blame directed and all I can do is take it.

I cannot respond when some of their thinking is not rational.

I try very hard to be positive and like to be grateful for what I do have.

I have a husband, son and daughter in law and beautiful grandchildren who love me and can see what I put up with. I don't say too much to them either. I don't like to talk too much about how I am treated to them. I make sure I show love for them everyday!

Thanks for listening

HappyGoLucky