new diagnosis

[momstr]

I just joined this site. I have a family member spiraling out of control. She was recently diagnosed with BPD. Her husband has left her and her life is in shambles. She is about to lose her job. I want to help without enabling her.

[MammaMia]

momstr

Welcome!

I am sorry to learn of your troubles, but we are here to help. This website is a vast resource of kindness and support as well as knowledge for the families and friends of people suffering from BPD.  We all have loved ones with this disorder.

Can you please tell us more about your specific circumstances?  Is the person with BPD seeing a therapist?  What kind of behavior is she exhibiting?  With more background information, we will our best to provide you with honest feedback to your questions and concerns.  

I do not know if you have done any research on BPD.  It is a serious, very complex mental illness that creates very difficult relationship issues.  There are plenty of good articles, workshops, and life experiences on this Board to help you.

We are very glad you found us, and we all look forward to hearing from you.  

[sad but wiser]

Be very careful!

[mamachelle]

Hi momstr,

So sorry you are dealing with this now.

There are many resources here. Here is an article that may shed some light on how to support her without enabling.

Supporting a Loved-one with Borderline Personality Disorder

MammaMia asked some great questions that would help us help you.

Can you please tell us more about your specific circumstances?

Is the person with BPD seeing a therapist?

What kind of behavior is she exhibiting?

Also, please tell us what relationship this person has to you.

Yours,

mamachelle

[GeekyGirl]

Hi momstr,

Welcome!   It can be very scary and painful to see a family member in a downward spiral. It's understandable that you want to help, especially considering that she's going through some tough times at work and home. At the same time, it also makes sense that you don't want to enable her.

mamachelle asked some good questions and I'm curious to know your answers as well. There are some good resources here for members with family members with BPD that we can point out to you.

There are many of us here who can relate to you, as many of us also have relatives with BPD. Please feel free to share your story with us and let us know how we can best help you.

-GG

[momstr]

This is my daughter in law that has been diagnosed.  She has had many difficulties over the years.  Her home growing up was dysfunctional & abusive.  Her sister got most of the physical abuse, H. was forced to watch & was severely emotionally abused, called worthless, etc.  She & my son met while they were both in high school.  She often told us we were more like her family than her own family.  After about a year of marriage to my son at age 19, she took off with another guy to Ca.  A long story later, she came back & they worked it out and got back together.  She has been diagnosed over the years as depressed, also as bipolar, and finally as BPD within the last few months. She has terrible outbursts of rage, most recently threatened my son with a knife when he told her he wasn't going to tolerate her behavior any longer.  They were living with another couple, their best friends about a 5 hour drive from me.  She has hit my son & X., their room mate many times.  Mostly X. gets the physical abuse, his wife Y. & my son N. get the emotional abuse.  They have described their lives as "walking on eggshells".  H. has had several trips to the hospital for suicidal behavior, and police called numerous times for out of control violence, but as soon as anyone else gets involved she is fine & calms right down.  N. left her last week & moved in with his brother, H. is still living with their friends for now.  

[swampped]

Welcome, Momstr!  But sorry for the reason you have to be here.  I too have a dil (daughter-in-law) with BPD. (uBPDdil).  My DS (dear son) married her after she had their baby (our granddaughter, gd4), and they had a terribly stormy relationship almost from the beginning.  DIL is 8 years older than DS, and is very much smarter in every way.  They moved six hours away when gd4 was just three months old, so dil could be near her two other children, who are in their father's custody.  Our DS is mildly intellectually disabled, and works at entry-level jobs, and struggles to support himself, now that their divorce is final (3 months ago).  When she threw him out, two years ago, he was homeless and in a shelter for a few months, then has had various living situations, always trying to stay near gd4.  DIL is not working, and we support her and gd4, to the extent that ds cannot do so.  A very long story, but I want to let you know you are not alone, and this BPD thing can be overwhelming to parents and inlaws.  Trying to maintain contact and some sense of stability for our gd4 is my husband's (dh) and my major priority.  We have been through the "should we try to get custody?" thing, the "try to get them to move back here" thing, the "if only they understood BPD thing, and everything in between.  I would encourage you to read as much as you can about BPD, especially the things about family involvement and the sage advice from those on the "Supporting a Son or Daughter" board.  I find myself feeling very "motherly" toward dil, and that board has helped me to understand her better.  I would also encourage you to avoid using anyone's name here, as it would be sad indeed if one of the people involved were to happen upon your notes.  Anonymity is really important to all of us, and allows us to vent freely, knowing our PWBPDs are not going to find us out. 

Please keep reading and learning, and share when you feel able.  We are all in this crazy thing together, and you will be amazed at the number of people who share your experience.  I will keep you, your DS and your dil in my thoughts and prayers.     Swampped   

[mamachelle]

Hi momstr,

It sounds like you have been in your DIL life for a long time. It must be painful to watch her struggle. I am concerned about her physical abuse of your son and others.

When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. Senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

Please keep posting and understand we are here for you. This sounds like a very difficult situation for your son as well.

Is he able to get support from his friends?

Is he aware of the resources for partners of people with BPD?

Here is one on Verbal Abuse-

BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment - verbal abuse.

Let us know how you are doing.

Mamachelle

[momstr]

Thank you everyone for the advice and for the suggestions on privacy.  My dil is coming here Friday night & will probably be staying for a week or so, now that she has been fired from her job.  She is still in college but will be on spring break next week.  She will have to be back by the following Monday for school & her therapy session.  My dear son (ds) has decided he wants to divorce her.  He has already removed himself from the situation.  He is staying with his brother, and does have other friends in the area who understand what is going on & support him.  She is in therapy once a week for her BPD, but is still acting out with violence and over-the-top anger especially toward my ds.  She has also threatened to hurt herself or others numerous times.  Any suggestions on how best to deal with her during her visit will be appreciated.  Right now it seems that she wants to please me, and is being very agreeable to my suggestions and advice.  I want to see her truly begin recovery, but am not sure how best to help her.

[Clearmind]

momstr, any kids?

[mamachelle]

Hi momstr,

Here are a couple articles that might shed some light.

Helping a loved one with BPD seek treatment

Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder [New]


Some therapies are more effective than others. Mostly, the person with BPD really needs to want to change. It is hard when they are not in intensive therapy. Many use a form of therapy called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).

Do you know what type of therapy your DIL is in?

Since you are a mother figure in her life, I would suggest you post on this board with questions before she comes into town and while she is there. You want to support and validate her but not push her too hard as she seems to be spiraling a bit now.

Supporting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board

There are many parents, step parents, grand parents, and also MIL like you, working for the same things you are and also dealing with the same types of frustrations.

I am not sure, with a potential divorce on the horizon, how much support you can offer her, but I am glad that your DS is getting support from friends. This sounds like a very difficult situation, but you will definitely find support here as many others have dealt with this and will help you through.

Yours,

mamachelle