How to bring up a topic that I KNOW will bring upon WW3?

[angelica_evil]

So, as most of us are well aware of, pwBPD tend to be very jealous, possessive, terrified that you will cheat, or suspicious of most of your interactions with members of the opposite sex. In particular, my BPDbf is especially jealous of anything male in my life that isn't related... and heck, even of some women, because according to him, certain girls will 'encourage me to whore around with them'. We do not live together, in fact, he lives on easy street... .  with his father, and all of his bills are paid by one or both parents, he is given new cars, expensive electronics, cash, you name it, and my life couldn't be more opposite. My parents are well meaning and great people, but just as broke as I am. I have a massive spinal injury and as a result, live off of a pittance from disability every month. I have to struggle to make my own ends meet daily. Coming up in May, my current housemate will be moving out. My choices are to tuck my tail in between my legs and move back in with my parents, which in my early 30's is NOT ideal, and something I really don't even want to consider. Or, the most logical option is to stay here, and just get a new roommate... and not have to worry about trying to move a house full of things when I am barely capable of showering by myself some days with my pain.

My BPDbf doesn't care for my house now, or my neighborhood (I live in the inner city, in a not so great neighborhood, but have had NO problems here and like my neighbors). He constantly nags me to 'move closer to him', who lives rurally, so it's not as if apartments for rent closer to him are in large supply, and if they are available, are in the suburbs and NOT affordable in any way to me, on the 700 bucks a month I get to live off of. He has NO clue what it is like to have to care for yourself and pay your own bills. So, faced with my upcoming living arrangement dilemma, I have started putting out feelers for friends who may be looking for a roommate soon, or who already have places, and were looking to take a new roomie in soon.

My BPDbf does NOT deal well with meeting people, or even like to be around people he isn't super familiar with at all, so right away, me possibly living with someone was a source of contention from the get go. Right away it was, 'oh, so you are going to end up living with a guy that you will sleep with, huh?' We argued that was NOT what my plan was, and it has basically been dropped. Well, after talking through a lot of possibilities with friends, my best, and most reasonable and practical, and suitable to me option IS with a single male friend, after all. It's a big, beautiful place, VERY affordable to me, and close to my doctors office and pretty much everywhere else I have to get to. The guy friend is very classy, and I trust him a bunch. He is reliable, hard working, and he has NEVER even remotely expressed romantic interest in me, I know that if I lived with him,I wouldn't have to worry about feeling as if he was trying to hop in the sack with me. I really would like to utilize this option, if at all possible.

However, I am terrified of even bringing this up to my BPDbf. I know that he is going to at first act short and snippy about it when I discuss this with him, 'whatever you want to do, fine.' and then hours or minutes later, he is going to EXPLODE with rage over this decision, to prevent me doing it in any way he can. I understand his tribulation over the prospect, I don't think many guys, BPD or not, relish the thought of their girlfriend living with a single male that they don't know, or even one that they do. However, I feel like if it's at all possible, I can at least try to bring this subject up to my bf, and maybe, just maybe, he will understand that time is running out for me, and I won't have many options soon. The new potential roomie is aware of my bf and his 'issues', and has agreed to meet him beforehand, spend time getting to know him (which i know will be vetoed by my bf from the get go, he won't give him a chance), and help in any way he can to make the transition easier for him to deal with.

I am looking for specific advice as to how I can even begin to bring this up to him, and inflict the least damage/rage possible? I am not kidding myself in thinking that there is a magical way to bring this up, and make it happen, and have my bf be cool with it. I KNOW it is going to be a source of anger, mistrust, and about a million accusations from the get go. What i am hoping for, is advice in how to go about even bringing it up, and possible ways to do damage control. I am sure I will probably just end up not moving in with this friend, because I always give me my BPDbf his way (don't most of us?), but if there is even a chance that I could make this work, I have to give it a shot, because I think this is a good opportunity for me to live somewhere nice and affordable. No, I won't consider ending the relationship over something such as this, I would live under a bridge for my bf, if I had to... but any idea at all of the best strategy for trying to make him see that this might not be such a bad idea for me? I know I am asking for a miracle here, but hey... you never know! :-)

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[motherof1yearold]

I would not even try this. You said it yourself your BPDbf won't go for this at all. So by bringing it up and ultimately giving in to him, and not moving in with guy friend, you have just given him something to constantly bring up and take little 'stabs ' at you. From what I read your bf is alot like my BPD ex husband so I'm just guessing. I think it will go over about as well as a turd in the punch bowl 

[yeeter]

No, I won't consider ending the relationship over something such as this, I would live under a bridge for my bf, if I had to... but any idea at all of the best strategy for trying to make him see that this might not be such a bad idea for me?

This in and of itself is your dilemma.  You are going into a disagreement that you already state, upfront, that you will cave if he throws a large objection to.  Highly likely that he knows this, will throw a tantrum, you will cave, and the cycle is reinforced.

Knowing this, its actually destructive to push it too hard.  So I would consider a light approach:  "Im considering moving in with this person as one option as a place to live"  Him:  "over my dead body (or to that effect)"  You:  Ok, I will take that off the list.  (but you already know he wont like it so even this seems counterproductive).  I wonder if you brought him into the problem solving... .  ":)o you have any ideas or suggestions on what I should do for a place to live?"  From there, you might be able to share the choices you have.

But the bigger question is, WHY would you be willing to live under a bridge for the sake of someone else?  That doesnt sound like you are putting your own comfort and needs and self as a priority... .  

[Rockylove]

But the bigger question is, WHY would you be willing to live under a bridge for the sake of someone else?  That doesnt sound like you are putting your own comfort and needs and self as a priority... .  

I have to agree with Yeeter on this one.  Taking care of YOU often means doing things that our BPD doesn't agree with and that is ok.  Is your bf willing to pay for your apartment in the neighborhood of his choice?

[Grey Kitty]

I don't know your bf... . but from what you say there is about 99.99% chance he'll react "badly" to your idea. Exactly what way and exactly how much is the only question... . and it won't help you much to guess on it.

So how sure are you about what you will do when he objects/blows up/whatever?

If you are sure you will give in, then perhaps your best bet is to tell this guy that you think his house would be great, but the 99% chance of your bf exploding isn't worth it. You get the same result (not living with this guy) without the fight with your bf.

However, if you want to tell him something that he's not going to particularly like, there are communication tools. I'd recommend TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

You might start small with a truth about your financial situation and why you can't move closer to him.

[Blazing Star]

This in and of itself is your dilemma.  You are going into a disagreement that you already state, upfront, that you will cave if he throws a large objection to.  Highly likely that he knows this, will throw a tantrum, you will cave, and the cycle is reinforced.

If you are sure you will give in, then perhaps your best bet is to tell this guy that you think his house would be great, but the 99% chance of your bf exploding isn't worth it. You get the same result (not living with this guy) without the fight with your bf.

I agree. Don't bring it up if you Know the outcome, why reinforce the cycle?

I also relate, I would so often let things slide, little things that didn't matter in the grand scheme of things, that were tiny tiny shadows in the Huge Light of love that I had for my bfBPD. It felt good to let things slide, to surrender and to radically accept.

However there came a point when I started to feel resentment simmering beneath the calm surface I was presenting. And I started to feel a sense of suppression, like I wasn't allowed to say things, my feelings, that my thoughts were not for sharing.

It sounds simple, but it ate away at me. A tight metallic ball in my belly. I felt like I was going to explode. Or implode. Instead I decided to leave, I couldn't live like this. The urge to run away was unbearable. I happened to be pregnant with our second child, so leaving wasn't very practical. I found a T to work through some of this.

And started to realise that I wanted to run away from my feelings of suppression, not run away from my bf, whom I love. So we started working on changing those feelings of suppression, working on expression, healthy, safe gentle expression.

I am still working on this. Daily. However I don't want to leave. I no longer feel suppressed.

So I guess my point is that be aware of what you may be suppressing in the name of love.

Nowdays when I need to be brave and bring something up like you I do it carefully. If I were in your shoes, and it was important for me to move into this great place, and I knew that there was no attraction etc between me and the single guy, then I would approach it something like this:

On a good day, when he was in a calm mood, "Baby, there is something I would like to talk to you about, and I feel very aprehensive of your reaction. You may not realise how I struggle with money My roomie is moving out and I cannot afford this place by myself. I have found a great room with Mr X, close to my Drs, etc etc. I am going to move in. I realise you may find this challenging. What can we do to make this easier for you?"

However like Yeeter and Grey Kitty have said, there really is no middle ground. I don't think its worth having this conversation if I don't feel strongly about it. I choose my conversations carefully, and those that I do have are engrained with the strength of my values/needs, and I am very clear about what I won't compromise on.

Taking care of YOU often means doing things that our BPD doesn't agree with and that is ok. 

This was something that I found hard for ages. Repeat this to yourself often!

Keep us posted.

Love Blazing Star

[briefcase]

If you choose to bring this up, then frame it in SET format.  You can practice what you want to say here before you have the actual conversation!

Support:  You love him and are there for him - express this somehow.

Empathy:  Let him know you see where he's coming from (even if you don't agree).

Truth:  You can't afford to move out by him and this is your next best option.

The bigger issue is the eggshell walking that you are doing.  Being in this relationship is going to require some personal growth and detachment.  Sure, he is going to react negatively to some things that you want or need.  That's BPD.  If it isn't this issue, there will be others that come up in the future.  You absolutely have to pick smart battles - but eventually you have to make a stand around something important to you.  Otherwise, the resentment and anger will swallow your love for him - and you.

[iluminati]

When it comes to a situation where you know WW3 is going to start whenever you bring it up AND you have to mention it, the best way is straight ahead.  You know this is going to cause a blow up.  The simplest thing to do is just let the blow up happen and deal with the aftermath.  Putting it off isn't going to help your living situation.  If anything, it could make things worse.