I love you but am not in love with you

[cal644]

How many of you have heard that line during the seperation/divorce from your BPD significant other?  That line killed me - for years I truly thought she loved me.  But during seperation I also got lines like - I do love you with my whole heart, I can't have those feelings towards anyone, How can I love you if I don't love myself, Your my best friend - shouldn't you be married to your best friend? I have built a mountian between you and me, also when I try to open the door again - she says she has PTSD and I need to give her space.  This is from the same woman who was inseperatable from me for 19 years - and now it's like I don't even exist.

[Want2know]

This line is used often during break ups, regardless if the person has BPD or not.  It's quite a common reason (excuse) why some couples break up. 

Being 'in love' and loving someone is a weird concept.  In a relationship, you would think they would be interchangeable, but many people relate being in love to what I'd now describe as a bit of an obsession, which is not real healthy.

[cal644]

I realize that - but I've read so many times that people who had sexual, physical, verbal, and mental abuse as children can never develope a deep mature love - I think that's where I see the difference - maybe she is looking for those fuzzy feelings all the time - where the healthy couple - developes a deeper love.  Maybe that's not just BPD - but I think it has a lot to do with all her past issues (even though my T and I strongly beleive she has BPD) - her T has only told her about PTSD, Extreme codependancy, and slight OCD - but I beleive from some of the stuff her T has told her that she too beleives she has BPD - if not full blown many traits. 

[marbleloser]

Exactly,W2K. "Loving" is a choice."In love" is a feeling.

Think of "in love" as the feeling you get at the beginning of a RS.You see the SO as perfect,beautiful/handsome,etc.,, You get an adrenaline rush around them.

Soon,that feeling goes away,because you find that noone is perfect.They make mistakes,their looks fade,etc.,, "Loving" is when you make the decision to stay with them,regardless of the mistakes,looks fading,etc.,,It's when you choose to accept the good over the bad and weigh them against one another.

If you love your child,you love them regardless of mistakes.You see past their human errors and continue to love them.That's love and that's what most want in a RS with a SO.

[Want2know]

I realize that - but I've read so many times that people who had sexual, physical, verbal, and mental abuse as children can never develope a deep mature love - I think that's where I see the difference - maybe she is looking for those fuzzy feelings all the time - where the healthy couple - developes a deeper love.  

Yes, you got it!  It's about mature love.  

If I'm being honest, I would say most of us here were immature, as far as love goes, when we started our relationships with our pwBPD, so that's why I mentioned that it's not necessarily a BPD thing.

(cross posted with marbleloser - good points, btw)

[jaird]

Exactly,W2K. "Loving" is a choice."In love" is a feeling.

Think of "in love" as the feeling you get at the beginning of a RS.You see the SO as perfect,beautiful/handsome,etc.,, You get an adrenaline rush around them.

Soon,that feeling goes away,because you find that noone is perfect.They make mistakes,their looks fade,etc.,, "Loving" is when you make the decision to stay with them,regardless of the mistakes,looks fading,etc.,,It's when you choose to accept the good over the bad and weigh them against one another.

If you love your child,you love them regardless of mistakes.You see past their human errors and continue to love them.That's love and that's what most want in a RS with a SO.

Great explanation of something I have been trying to get my head around.

And yes, want2know is right. I suspect all us exes were swept off our feet and believed what we were told and believed it was real. Maybe that is immaturity. Whatever the ex said or felt at the time, it diminished greatly or they just split us and quashed their memories of the good times and many positive memories of us. They are able to focus only on the negative things about the r/s with us, and that helps them move on very, very quickly, unlike someone without a personality disorder.

[SarahinMA]

I realize that - but I've read so many times that people who had sexual, physical, verbal, and mental abuse as children can never develope a deep mature love - I think that's where I see the difference - maybe she is looking for those fuzzy feelings all the time - where the healthy couple - developes a deeper love.  

Yes, you got it!  It's about mature love.  

If I'm being honest, I would say most of us here were immature, as far as love goes, when we started our relationships with our pwBPD, so that's why I mentioned that it's not necessarily a BPD thing.

(cross posted with marbleloser - good points, btw)

Absolutely.  When I first started dating my ex, we could not get enough of each other.  It was like the familiar infatuation phase x 100.  Then, as the honeymoon starting wearing off, there was still that NEED to talk all the time.  He would text me multiple times a day and we would see each other almost every day.  I went from someone who was used to an independence to needing that unhealthy attention as well.  The "love" was so immature and toxic.  He told me that he loved me every day almost to say that "I need you to love me back".  Then, he was gone.  He once told me that he would always love me, but I knew that wasn't true.  He missed those butterflies and those feelings of overwhelming lust/infatuation.  I feel that those brain chemicals, or whatever, were powerful enough to temporarily take away his pain and loneliness... .  and now he's chasing that again.  Complete immaturity on his part, but I'm more aware and cautious of it now. 

[jaird]

"Then, as the honeymoon starting wearing off, there was still that NEED to talk all the time.  He would text me multiple times a day and we would see each other almost every day.  I went from someone who was used to an independence to needing that unhealthy attention as well.  The "love" was so immature and toxic.  He told me that he loved me every day almost to say that "I need you to love me back".  Then, he was gone.  He once told me that he would always love me, but I knew that wasn't true.  He missed those butterflies and those feelings of overwhelming lust/infatuation.  I feel that those brain chemicals, or whatever, were powerful enough to temporarily take away his pain and loneliness... .  and now he's chasing that again.  Complete immaturity on his part, but I'm more aware and cautious of it now."

Thanks SarahinMA. This describes it well, I guess. I would like to think we could have kept those brain chemicals flowing though, LOL.

And yes, I was sending/receiving 8000 texts a month! Had to be at least 7900 of them between my ex and I.

[Cumulus]

I get this, I'm the non in the relationship but this is the way I felt toward my xBPDh. I don't equate the "in love" with that wonderful rush at the beginning of a relationship but rather the love between two partners. I would never be " in love" with my kids or my friends. "In love" says to me that it is a private commitment, a deep and sharing relationship, a partnership where each is looking out for the other, one in which the other has access to your innermost thoughts, fears and desires. It also implies mature and exclusive sexual connections. Now can you see why I didn't feel "in love" with my XH. Yet, I did love him, I cared about his well being, I had concern for his needs but like many others have posted the love felt more like the love a parent has for a small child.

[Vegasskydiver]

I realize that - but I've read so many times that people who had sexual, physical, verbal, and mental abuse as children can never develope a deep mature love - I think that's where I see the difference - maybe she is looking for those fuzzy feelings all the time - where the healthy couple - developes a deeper love.  

My exBPDbf told me that same thing when we split, that he loved me but was not "in love".  That was after just one week ago he sat accross from me crying professing undying love and passion and he could never feel so must instense love and chemistry for another.  We spent three years together.  I think with BPD whatever they feel "in the moment" they beleive to be true and then they change quickly and feel something else, but a that split second in time they believe what they believe.  It is like they cannot see two feet in front of them, they are stuck and that is their reality.  Most healthy people can take a deep breath and filter what comes out of their mouth.  My exBPDbf would say the meanest most hateful things and then turn around and say but despite that I love you as him lowering himself was a gift that I should be grateful to have.  I play the words over and over in my mind.  They haunt me... .  

[stoic83]

Whats sad here is that I did truly love my ex. I made a conscious choice to love her despite her mental illness. Oh well. I'm not going to fight against the reality that she can not or will not love me in the same manner... .  I will just find a different person. I can mourn over the fact that I spent 4 years with her, or you can mourn over the fact that you spent 19... .  or I can just let it burn off naturally while I focus on improving my own life and reaching for goals that help myself and help others!

Its like trying to cram a round peg in to a square whole. I can't change my exwBPD... .  I can only change myself. And there are women of value in every age range and demographic that I can meet and have a healthy adult fulfilling rs with!

Hooray for that fact!

[jaird]

Whats sad here is that I did truly love my ex. I made a conscious choice to love her despite her mental illness. Oh well. I'm not going to fight against the reality that she can not or will not love me in the same manner... .  I will just find a different person. I can mourn over the fact that I spent 4 years with her, or you can mourn over the fact that you spent 19... .  or I can just let it burn off naturally while I focus on improving my own life and reaching for goals that help myself and help others!

Its like trying to cram a round peg in to a square whole. I can't change my exwBPD... .  I can only change myself. And there are women of value in every age range and demographic that I can meet and have a healthy adult fulfilling rs with!

Hooray for that fact!

Good thoughts. I'm sure we all loved our exes too, loved them deeply. otherwise we would not be here on this forum.

[mtmc01]

I was fed this line as well. IMO, it's just BPD code for, "I have split you black".

I also got, "I will always love you". Right. That's why you broke up with me via a one paragraph email, immediately erased me from your life, and starting hanging out with another guy within a few weeks. That sure sounds like "love" to me!  

[afterdeath]

I was fed this line as well. IMO, it's just BPD code for, "I have split you black".

I also got, "I will always love you". Right. That's why you broke up with me via a one paragraph email, immediately erased me from your life, and starting hanging out with another guy within a few weeks. That sure sounds like "love" to me!  

I will always love you and we will miss you.

What's sad is I believe some part of her does believe that, the part I fell in love with. Like a dying persons last words before possession takes over or they die.

Other than that, this saying is a total Hollywood cop out line. You either love someone or you don't, there's no in between.

Love is an action, therefore a verb, not an adjective.

Love you but not in love with you? False, you don't understand the concept of love if you use this cowardice excuse.

This is a fantasy line created by Hollywood novels vultured upon by weak cowards who just got bored and are no longer infatuated with their partner and are lusting someone else.

I will never accept this saying a fact, but rather a fantasized misconception and misunderstanding of love.

[Cimbaruns]

All of you are correct in talking about this ... . ".I will always love you "notorious parting phrase!

My exBPDw used it during all of the recycles... . then POOF she was gone!

She was totally confused about the "in love" and love feelings because she was constantly living on the edge of emotional turmoil.

After a recycle I would go through a litmus test for days after getting back with her... .

She would ask daily. "Are you in love with?"  Or.  "Are you sure you love me"

It is so true that they seem to want those early feelings of infatuation as they cycle you back and they seem to have difficulty trusting anything they we convey along those lines.

In no way are these r/s normal... . deep committed love is something that they are incapable of feeling and we try and much to our dismay ... . we give everything to them and it sucks every last ounce out of us to try and make sense of it ... . but we cannot ... . and eventually our realization sets in but because of our own inadequacy s we hang on... . sometimes way too long

[jaird]

I was fed this line as well. IMO, it's just BPD code for, "I have split you black".

I also got, "I will always love you". Right. That's why you broke up with me via a one paragraph email, immediately erased me from your life, and starting hanging out with another guy within a few weeks. That sure sounds like "love" to me!  

Hey! At least I got a few text messages and a phone call, LOL

But yes, same thing, a few weeks, first man she saw that she was attracted to. Boom-gone!

[jaird]

"In no way are these r/s normal... . deep committed love is something that they are incapable of feeling and we try and much to our dismay ... . we give everything to them and it sucks every last ounce out of us to try and make sense of it ... . but we cannot ... . and eventually our realization sets in but because of our own inadequacy s we hang on... . sometimes way too long"

Thanks Cimbaruns.

100% correct. These r/s are not normal by any stretch of the imagination, and I too think they are incapable of a deep and lasting love. My ex even seems to realize that now. And yes, probably my own sense of some type of inadequacy, of wanting to be idolized and worshipped again, kept me hanging in there through close to a year of abuse hoping the honeymoon phase would come back.

[Findingmysong723]

I loved my Ex (undiagnosed borderline) but didn't tell him when I started feeling it, because he was always pulling the rug out from under me. Then he brought up that he was worried that we hadn't said I love you yet after being together for awhile. I ended up telling him that I had loved for awhile in a text... I know kinda lame. Unfortunately, I wanted to say it to his face first, but the relationship always kept me on rocky ground so that when I felt safe enough to do it, he would pull away or start a fight so I never found a good time to say it.

He said he loved me, but he wasn't in love. My ex said I needed to give him my heart, which he felt like I hadn't. I showed him love in many ways, showing him how much I cared and supported him in all the things he wanted to do.


I admit I was somewhat closed off but no where near as much as he was! He said he wanted to fall in love with me so bad, started to think he doesn't really know how. Early on int he relationship he said that he didn't think he had ever been in love, except maybe once in his first serious relationship. Both times we broke up, he would mention "the spark" or "fireworks," always thought we were missing something. Even if we were missing something, in the relationship full of pushing, pulling, anger, depression, anxiety from stress, etc etc... . how could you know if we weren't meant to be together if you never gave it a chance? However, not giving it a chance or not being able to do it because you a hurting too much, expresses that we can't be together and that is the most important lesson!

[cal644]

One of the things that my wife said at the end is that she was trying soo hard to love me - but she just couldn't.  She said she doesn't know if she can ever love anyone if she doesn't love herself - and that she couldn't give me the love I was longing for - she was incapable of it.

[Findingmysong723]

I hear ya Cal644,

My Ex would always say that line to me, "you can't love anyone if you don't love yourself." I guess that was the biggest projection of all! I know that I don't love myself the way I should and I'm going to continue to work on because it is a lifelong journey. When I got into this relationship my self esteem was lower than it had been in awhile, I guess in some ways I thought we both could support each other and help each other feel better about ourselves and grow as individuals. Sometimes I think maybe I needed to be alone to work on my self esteem, which might be partly true but to be with someone who is hurting more than me... . it was impossible to work on myself the way I needed to.

I also remember him telling me when we were breaking up that, it was better for us to break up now because we would end up hating each other. We both told each other that "we were good people," and he said You are too and if that was all that mattered or something like that, that we would be together forever.

My Ex (undiagnosed Borderline) was the youngest of his siblings in an abusive home, and he saw his Dad be abusive to his Mom. I think he might be the most scarred one of all his siblings. His Dad has changed so much and has become a decent father, my Ex and I would spend time with him. Ironically, I blame so much of his Dad's past behavior on how my Ex Boyfriend is now! It makes me think about how my Ex might of turned out if he didn't have to deal with such dysfunction in his early life, I might of been able to have had an intimate and loving relationship with my Ex that we both deserved. I feel like he never had the chance to know who he is and to be proud of himself... . it sucks and it's really sad.

I remember him telling me that he had never treated someone the way he treated me, as getting so frustrated, name calling, anger and blow ups etc. I know that he hasn't had much luck in relationships, I'm also sure that he was more at fault then he admits. However, not sure if his behavior as worse with me or not.  My Ex also had been weening down on his anxiety medication and by the end of our relationship my Ex completely stopped taking any. (I don't think it was a good idea) I know he said I was the nicest and most caring. We had some many times where I felt like were becoming a family, whether it was making dinner together, taking care of his pets, talking about vacations etc. He started to freak out about me being over so much and then when I decided to go home he would change his mind and ask me to stay a lot of the times. Then of course he pulled away more. I remember opening up to him about something important, but by then it was too late. He appreciated the sentiment I guess but like anything, it didn't matter what I did the relationship was doomed from the start!

[trampledfoot]

Exactly,W2K. "Loving" is a choice."In love" is a feeling.

Think of "in love" as the feeling you get at the beginning of a RS.You see the SO as perfect,beautiful/handsome,etc.,, You get an adrenaline rush around them.

Soon,that feeling goes away,because you find that noone is perfect.They make mistakes,their looks fade,etc.,, "Loving" is when you make the decision to stay with them,regardless of the mistakes,looks fading,etc.,,It's when you choose to accept the good over the bad and weigh them against one another.

If you love your child,you love them regardless of mistakes.You see past their human errors and continue to love them.That's love and that's what most want in a RS with a SO.

Thanks for the marble rouser this has really opened the curtains for me

[pk]

I have to agree with Cumulus.   just recently realized that aside from my codependency and my motherly love for my BPDh that I no longer was "in love" with him.  To be in love with him I needed him to be an equal, some one that cared for me as i cared for him , someone I wanted to be intimate with, someone who was not constantly trolling for women on the net, someone I could trust and depend on.  No, I am not in love with my BPDh anymore and I am trying to separate from him.  I do however love him as  a human being and someone I have cared for for a very long time.

[topknot]

My ex always said he was "in love" with the previous two women, who were completely cold, emotionally unavailable bhites. I am open, caring, and his words were, "You know, you scare me to death." Interesting how they view love... .

[tayana]

I have heard variations of the "I love you but I"m not in love with you" comments.  I've had, "you said you weren't in love with me and hadn't been in years, but I kept trying."  "You're my best friend and I don't want to lose you."  "I will always love you because you're my family."  It goes on and on and on.  Over the past year I've figured out some things about my Ex.  She complained constantly that I didn't touch her enough, no matter how many back rubs, hugs, foot rubs, etc I gave her.  We tried reading the "five love languages" book and my T suggested spending ten minutes every day touching her.  The problem I found was that I loved touching when it went both ways.  She wanted me to touch her, not the other way around.  She wanted me to appreciate her, but it never went the other way.

When we first got together we cuddled a lot and there was a lot of spontaneity with loving, but the longer we were together the less that happened.  She said I didn't like it, which I did, but I didn't want to cuddle all the time.  I had gotten past the I want to be with you constantly and touch you all the time phase of the relationship and wanted to have my own time too.  She never understood that and took it as I didn't want to be with her.  I went through a phase when I was pregnant where I didn't really want to be touched at all and this was a huge slight to her, and when those feelings went away she decided I just didn't love her anymore.  So she found someone else who could fill that void for her, someone who would give her that constant I want to be with you and hug  you and kiss you feeling.  And when that person couldn't give her that 100% then she moved on again.  All while we were supposed to be working things out.

She never saw anything other than that touch as a symbol of love, not doing things for her, making special dinners, compliments, etc.  She never showed her affection in those ways and if she did, then it was followed with a sarcastic comment.  She decided to reward me with sex one night because I hadn't totally sucked that day. 

She had been badly abused in all ways as a child, and its like she's looking for those feelings of affirmation from her partners, but she never grows beyond that initial phase of the relationship and expects those feelings to last forever.  To her that's what "in love" is, and if she's not feeling that, then it's not love.  The biggest slap in the face I ever got was when I was told "I was the love of her life" but that she could never be in love with me because I had betrayed her.  I still don't understand how I betrayed her, and I can't make sense of that comment.  To me, if you feel that way you would figure out a way to move past the problem.

[Notthesame64]

This line is used often during break ups, regardless if the person has BPD or not.  It's quite a common reason (excuse) why some couples break up.

Agree... this is a normal feeling however, not just an excuse.  You can love the person as a whole, but it doesnt mean you are still in love with that person.   Being in love with someone is on a whole other level then loving someone.   I love my father, but I am not in love with him