GBC,
Being a Newbie, and having no support network, I have to resist the temptation to post every frustration and try to solve everything at once. There is one constant scenario that I would appreciate any feedback on for those of you who may have experienced similar circumstances.
wise move. It is ok to vent some frustration but of course when focusing your post on a more narrow set of problems chances are better to get a conversation going. And these deeper conversations tend to be more fruitful imho...
My SO (Diagnosed) and I have a 3 and 5 yr old. When I come home from work, She demands my full attention before I can give the children any attention. Communication to her is being talked at, not with. I am not able to finish a sentence. Usually it is something she has discussed to death or is demanding instant solution to a complex problem. These are not quick "conversations". She just keeps speaking for some time while the children just want Daddy's attention, so they keep saying "excuse me" or act up to get the attention. This results in her getting upset at them and demanding of me to take them to their room as punishment for interrupting. She is yelling, the children are upset, everything melts down. I try to get her to understand that if I may just give them a few minutes of my attention, they are happy. She will not hear of it. Does anyone have experience on how I may handle this scenario? Am I "catering" to the kids by my logic? Is it rational to think a 3 and 5 year old might understand that mommy and daddy need to talk for over an hour or so before they get to talk about their day?
Clearly your wife is lonely during the day and needs an attention fix. From what you wrote is seems more a longish drip infusion than a quick shot. And while she is crying for attention the children crying for attention too - and learning every day that their needs don't count... .
Having to deal with two infinite attention needs (wife and children) there need to be compromises. Neither your children nor your wife will get what they want. Both need you and neither party is able to negotiate. Currently the bigger bully wins all. As neither party is willing or able to compromise it is your responsibility to split your attention, budget it, giving limited time to both sides.
Limits that YOU control.
Long talk, arriving at
boundaries. Boundaries are limits on yourself, which you control. In this case you believe time set apart for the kids shortly after arrival is required so there are limits on time taken up by your wife. She won't like that and she won't agree to it. Negotiation will be futile. Implementation of boundaries primarily hinges on
your behavior. Changing it won't be welcome but that is normal and often results in an extinction burst. But once you through it she may well appreciate the predictability of the new greeting ritual.
Changing your behavior can be done just like that, after all you control all about yourself! Still it is better to lessen the surprise and tell what you do - tell but do
NOT JUSTIFY IT. Communicating facts is best done with SET.
Support: Let me help you,
Empathy: day has been long and kids have been hard on you. You still have not told me all.
Truth: I'm going now to deal with their needs for 1 hour (be specific and stick to it). We continue later.
Last when arriving it will be best to take the edge somehow off her. She needs to talk then talk with her for some short time. She mostly needs listening and understanding NOT problem solving. That does not mean that there won't be problems left, right and center as problems are wonderful tools to express emotions or get attention - some are real but mostly they are just her stage props. Won't help to tell her though. Read up on validation (and equally if not more important about avoiding invalidation) to learn how to most effectively interact with her in the time that you allocated to her.
To sumarize:
Budget time - see boundaries
Communicate clearly - see SET
Use time with her effectively - see validation
Check out the
LESSONS on the staying board for a selected list on introduction workshops.
It is good that your wife is diagnosed. Is she in any form of treatment?
,
a0
