Gut feelings are looking more true

[laidee]

Hi family. It has been a while since i posted. I hope everyone is doing well. Things have been peaceful in my life. But today, things turned interesting. My H had another place due to me putting him out for cheating. We've been trying to work things out. Thus morning he gave me roses... . big surprise there. Seems for no reason. Then later i found out he was moving out of his place and into mine... . at that moment . He brought clothes and bags in and then said he was going to get a truck to move his other stuff. Trying to be a good wife, i decided to put the stuff he brought already away. As i was going thru a bag i saw a receipt for a michael kors handbag... . dated last April. Well i don't have any michael kors so it wasn't for me . Then i saw apregnancy box and the receipt for it dated oct 2012. Not mine. Wasn't bought for me. Then i saw papers from a womans clinic talking about post abortion procedures. And a receipt dated oct 2012. The patients name is someone i kno but haven't talked to in over a year.

I have a HUGE problem with this for many reasons. I feel so sick to my stomach. I'm trying to give hum the benefit of the doubt, but I'm not stupid. My gut getting a few months ago was telling me that something wasn't right. I left the test and papers on the sofa so when he gets home he can see it. Give him a chance to explain. His clothes are still hanging up in the closet so I'm still calm . Do you think I'm reading things wrong?

[whereisthezen]

First I am sorry. Second, I hope for the best for YOU. I too have had that queezy awful feeling when presented with evidence. For you I hope you are safe, know you deserve the truth, you can handle it either way rather than lies and I'm sorry you were put into that situation. Its not your fault or mess to clean up, no reflection on you at all. I'm sure many can relate to your shock, I know I can. Make sure you isten to what he has to say and decide later if you're not ready esp if it doesnt make sense. Hugs to you!

[4now]

First of all, let me say this is a tough, tough situation.  I am so sorry you are going through this.  Second, I doubt you are very far off at all.  May I just say, how dumb is it that he left it all where you could so easily find it!  Is it possible that he wanted you to find it?  Perhaps to fess up without actually needing to tell you face to face? This seems incomprehensible, however, one wonders.  I think it is good that you are trying to remain calm, if only for yourself.  There is no use in you getting all worked up and making your own blood boil. 

In my very humble opinion, I would not let him off the hook very easily for this.  It is possible he will come up with some insanely unrealistic explanation, we've all been there, but if you guys are trying "to work it out" nothing but a full and truthful explanation will suffice.  Otherwise, you are still living with the half truths and are both living in denial.  He will see that he can get away with this and there are no consequences for such atrocious behavior. 

Good Luck. Keep calm and carry on!

[whereisthezen]

4now has a good point. My uBPD told me the first time when he found out I knew that he put info out to tell me as he couldnt, crazy bc I think as much as its possible, he forgot it was there or his mistress left it. I notice they can be very clean appearance but a bit of hoarders too. Like with the bags of stuff he brought to your place. Try to just listen to what he says, then see if its rational. Its overwhelming to process and understand their response when its so emotional of a moment.

[laidee]

Thanks witz and 4now.

I'm trying to remain calm and not do anything rash. The sick feeling continue until i finally feel asleep around 2am. He didn't come home last night. Don't know why, but i'm acting very calm now. Responding to text messages like nothing is wrong. I'm currently talking to him on the phone. He's going to be in for a rude awakening when he goes home and finds the evidence. Can't wake Hopefully I won't be there

[Vindi]

i wish you so much luck, and yes, he may just make up a lie on the abortion info... . he could always say he was helping a friend out by taking her there... . go with your gut, you did mention he had another place cuz he cheated b4, well he may still be cheating, i really do not know. You have to decide if you believe him and have every right to "trust issues" down the road if he is still in your life.

Please keep us posted, and yes, stay calm, and makes you wonder too why he didn't come home last night?

[whereisthezen]

Laidee,

Any update? Hope you are ok and things have been calm. Let us know when you can.

[laidee]

Hi whereisthezen -

Sorry, it's been a busy week at work. I finally asked my husband about everything because clearly he wasn't going to mention it. We talked, and despite some crying on my part, I remained pretty calm. Right now I trying to decided if I believe him or not. Some things that he said didn't make sense and I caught 2 lies in his statement. I chose not to call him out on. I feel that in due time he will get himself caught up.

He said that he saw the items on the sofa but it wasn't a big deal to him so he didn't say anything. Huh? yea... . exactly . But there were some holes in his statements, some subtle blaming on his part, some stating that he understood which lead him to trying to compare the situation to something i did before i even knew of him. No comparison. Overall, I have my doubts. I don't think it's the worst case scenario, but I don't think he gave the full story.

In the meantime, I will continue to maintain self-peace, focus on myself and our daughter. But at the same time I won't turn a blind-eye to things.

[whereisthezen]

In the same boat except flat out denial of the facts here... . We'll see what comes this weekend. Enjoy every moment you can until it gets resolved, I know its tough. Best to you!

[DragoN]

I have a HUGE problem with this for many reasons.

Which part is the most problematic?

The boundary of self inviting himself back into the house?

He softened you up with the roses.

Or the clear evidence of cheating and pregnancy and then the glib response to the evidence?

My stomach would be churning.

Hope you can sort this out to your best sense of peace.

[laidee]

DragoN - ALL of the above!

whereisthezen - hope your weekend was ok. you might have posted about it already but i haven't been on the main boards yet.

[daze]

Laidee -

I am so sorry that this has happened/is happening.  Wow, sounds like you have been taking it relatively well. My codependent stomach churned for you as I read it. 

It's so hard to believe that we - all of us here - find ourselves in such confusing and hurtful situations.  I hate BPD and the issues that cause it! 



Daze

[SadWifeofBPD]

Trust your gut!

My sister (a T) tells me that normal people have a sense that something isn't right, even if they can't put their finger on it.  Before I knew that H had BPD, she told me that "lay folks" like me know that they're seeing something strange even if they can't put a name to it.

Trust your gut - because you know that you can't trust him. 

[laidee]

Thanks Daze and SadWife 

My gut is def telling me something still isn't right, but only time will tell. He's been sleeping on the sofa the last couple of nights for some reason. When asked he simply said because he wants to. The last time he voluntarily started sleeping on the sofa he eventually said it was because he was guilty and didn't feel right sleeping in the bed with me. I don't know if that's the case again, or if he's just in one of his moods, but no sleep is lost on my part

[laidee]

Good morning. Just wanted to give an update. Nothing has really changed. H is still sleeping on the couch. I asked him about it again this morning when we were talking thru text message, but he ignored the question. He's also be drinking every night when he goes to sleep. I don't know if he's just going thru a depressed period and don't want to be bothered or what, but he can't use the excuse that it's because he's falling asleep watching tv. He turns the tv off and goes to sleep out there. Plus we live in an apartment, so he doesn't have far to walk. Another excuse he can't use is that he doesn't want to disturb me in the mornings. I hear him regardless, and he still comes in the room to get stuff. Eh... .   I don't know.

I tried to just talk to him in general the other evening, but he seemed very annoyed every time I opened my mouth. I asked him about work and he questioned why I was asking. He gives me a hug (albeit rather weak at times) in the mornings and tell me to have a good day. And this morning he said 'i love you' as he was leaving the room. Don't know if that means he's coming out of his dark mood or what, but I can feel myself slowly falling back into the 'rescuer role'... .   wanting to help fix him. *sigh*

[daze]

Hi Laidee,

I haven't read your back story.  Does your husband drink every night on a regular basis?  I guess I'm asking if he's an alcoholic?

It doesn't sound like you've learned any more about the handbag receipt, pregnancy test box and abortion paper.  You said in the initial post that the patient listed on the abortion paper is someone you know but haven't talked to in over a year.  Your patience with this is pretty amazing.  How do you do it?  I would have flipped out right off the bat.

And this morning he said 'i love you' as he was leaving the room. Don't know if that means he's coming out of his dark mood or what, but I can feel myself slowly falling back into the 'rescuer role'... .   wanting to help fix him. *sigh*

What would you be rescuing him from?



Daze

[laidee]

Daze -   he doesn't normally drink on a nightly basis. I really only notice an increase in his drinking solo when he's in a depressed mood. He constantly says he's no good and loser and things like that, but that's nothing new.

Honestly, i don't know why I'm so calm. On the inside I'm screaming and flipping out. But i have no new details on the things i found. I see no point in questioning hum further because i don't think I'm going to get any further. All i can do right now is either believe him or not. And frankly, i don't believe his whole story. My other option would be to confront the girl but who's to say she'll tell the truth. And that could make things worse in my marriage.

I feel like i would be coming to his rescue again to help him out of his financial slump. I always pick up the slack, and suffer. Trying to get him back to the happy person i feel in love with.

[Gimme Peace]

Laidee, you have an amazing level of patience and calm. I am in awe as I am in a similar situation (I have suspicions). Sending good vibes and hope you are able to maintain your calm.

[laidee]

Thanks HappyPlace!

Sending you good vibes too and hope that things remain calm in your world!

[daze]

Honestly, i don't know why I'm so calm. On the inside I'm screaming and flipping out. But i have no new details on the things i found. I see no point in questioning hum further because i don't think I'm going to get any further. All i can do right now is either believe him or not. And frankly, i don't believe his whole story. My other option would be to confront the girl but who's to say she'll tell the truth. And that could make things worse in my marriage.

Laidee, I have a lot of respect for you and the way you're handling it.  Here are some more happy thoughts and vibrations coming your way.

Daze