Contact. Help

[willy45]

Ok. In total panic mode. The last interaction I had with her was 6 weeks ago. I told her very clearly: I HAVE GIVEN YOU ENOUGH, I AM NOT LETTING YOU TAKE ANY MORE. And then I hung up the phone. Now she just emailed me the following message:

Been thinking about you a lot. Hope you're doing good.

What the heck. What do I do? PANIC!

[bb12]

If you meant what you said, then you know what to do!

NC all the way

6 weeks is not very long. Keep the NC and detach



bb12

[grad]

Ok. In total panic mode. The last interaction I had with her was 6 weeks ago. I told her very clearly: I HAVE GIVEN YOU ENOUGH, I AM NOT LETTING YOU TAKE ANY MORE. And then I hung up the phone. Now she just emailed me the following message:

Been thinking about you a lot. Hope you're doing good.

What the heck. What do I do? PANIC!

Presuming she isn't in counseling, you were fed up 6 weeks ago so what can she offer now but more of the same?  It's a lot easier to handle when you were the one to let go instead of being discarded like the majority of us here.  

[Suzn]

rj first you need to **breath**. Why are you panicked? You were contacted, what do you want to do?

[willy45]

Arg... .

I broke everything off almost 7 months ago. And have tried NC constantly. And told her off many, many, many times.

The problem is that I still have feelings for her. Obviously... .

Arg. This sent me into panic.

[Suzn]

Ok. How can you look to your wise mind?

Logic-This ended 7 months ago, I've told her off many many times. It's over.

Emotion-I still have feelings for her.

What can you do to make your decisions easier for you? No good decision of this nature is ever made in a panicked state. You don't have to answer right away, or at all. That choice is up to you.

[willy45]

Thanks Suzn. Much appreciated.

I have been doing a lot of work with my T to define emotional abuse and such and I've been doing a ton of reading on it. My experience of the relationship certainly fits the profiles that are on-line about abusers and my psychological condition as it is currently certainly fits into the stereotype of someone who has suffered through emotional abuse. I guess I am just honestly shocked that she would contact me. I have told her many, many times to F off. And the last time I spoke to her, I told her that I had given her enough and I wasn't going to let her take anything else from me. I guess I should stick to that and stick to my on-line homework about emotional abuse so that it sinks in even more.

Thanks. I took a breath. It helped.

[Suzn]

She was allowed to take your breath and sense of centered-ness wasn't she? And look at you... You got through it. It bites that we can't control other people's behavior doesn't it? Eh, not the end of the world. I'm glad you feel better.

[Cimbaruns]

Rjh45

"Been thinking about you a lot. Hope your doing good"

Boy... . she stole a line from my exBPDw play book!

I would get this too... . after days and days went by ... AND... . after similar conversations took place and strict boundaries had been set... .

I would feel like someone spun me around and I was left scratching my head... . geeeez

Where does this come from... . and outta no where like they just never ever heard anything you ever said to them before... .

They don't listen

It's all about there needs ... . and ... . the moment they need it!

Stay strong and take a deep breath... . and keep the door closed... .

No of it makes sense... . not even to them I don't believe... .

I still have feelings for the person I thought I was supposed to be with forever... . but they aren't in the drivers seat and never will be

Peace to you

[willy45]

Hey Grad,

Yes. I am presuming she is not in therapy. I think that is a pretty safe assumption. I am always so curious to look under the lid and see if there is any awareness there. That is what keeps me stuck, perhaps. Thinking that she has made some miraculous journey with a new found understanding. Doubtful. Very doubtful. I have checked before. And it was always worse than I suspected.

Why does she do this? This is so painful. I don't understand.

[freshstart48]

Have you considered blocking her emails, texts, voice mails, etc? This would prevent you from having to deal with this and she'd probably go away for good.

[willy45]

I've tried. You can't block someone on GMAIL. It goes straight to trash where it sits there for 30 days... . I changed my phone number but she got it from my website (my fault). She doesn't call from her number, she calls me from Skype so it comes up with either weird numbers or 'unknown'. I can't block that. She hasn't texted me, which is good. I think she thinks I don't have text messaging because I didn't have it before.

*&(*&(*&(*&(*&(*&(*^*&%^(*&%^!  (This represents every explicative I can think of and every explicative I can't and every explicative that will has been created in the past and will be created in the future).

Please give me strength to not respond!

[freshstart48]

I've tried. You can't block someone on GMAIL. It goes straight to trash where it sits there for 30 days... . I changed my phone number but she got it from my website (my fault). She doesn't call from her number, she calls me from Skype so it comes up with either weird numbers or 'unknown'. I can't block that. She hasn't texted me, which is good. I think she thinks I don't have text messaging because I didn't have it before.

*&(*&(*&(*&(*&(*&(*^*&%^(*&%^!  (This represents every explicative I can think of and every explicative I can't and every explicative that will has been created in the past and will be created in the future).

Please give me strength to not respond!

I think everyone above has given you good advice. Nothing will change and you'll then have to go through all the same hurt all over again. You have 7 months of healing under your belt. I wouldn't through it away. I had a huge crush on an old flame after a weekend of hot sex. It didn't go anywhere and I was a bit crushed. I starting dating again, met someone else and rarely think of her anymore. Now, I need to do the same thing to get over my lovely ex-BPDGF

[GustheDog]

I am so tired of hearing that all the relationship problems were my fault. That her blow-ups and temper tantrums and name calling and rages were all because of me. That the relationship falling apart was 100% my fault. I am sick of the blaming.

I guess I am still angry. Super angry.

[willy45]

Ok. This is a stupid question... . But does anyone know why she is contacting me again? Yup. That sounds like a completely stupid question. If I don't know, why would I expect you guys to know? She probably doesn't even know. But, has anyone out there had any experience with this? Any understanding of any logic?

[willy45]

OH... . and Gus The Dog,

Thanks for posting that photo. That made me laugh.

johnnyorganic

[mango_flower]

I can't be unbiased as I am getting on fine with my ex as friends (from a distance) BUT she isn't trying to recycle me.  So its different.

If it's a recycle attempt, do not buy into it!  You can do it!  I want a little cheerleader smiley :D x

[Suzn]

Been thinking about you a lot. Hope you're doing good.

I got messages like these rj. They usually ended with "are you ok?" I can't say for sure what your ex wants but I found these messages a testing of the waters. My assumption of these messages were that she wanted comfort and all that that implied. If I did engage her it usually turned into what horrible things someone had done or was doing to her. I would run to the rescue. Every time. Instead of looking directly at the common denominator, I blamed whomever was doing whatever to her, which was usually not even true or it was her interpretation. Comfort implied being treated well, I paid the bills, I helped with the children (a lot), I took care of whatever "emergencies" she thought she had (there were many), etc...

It is your decision whether or not to keep contact with your ex. We are not going to judge your choice. I can tell you when I finally decided I had been through enough, and enough being what I was putting myself (and her) through too, I stopped reacting and responding, she finally went away. However, that's my story and that's what I wanted.

I would suggest you look over your post history to help you decide what it is that you want. Because bottom line, it doesn't really matter what she wants unless it's the same thing you do.

[tailspin]

rj,

Part of our healing is taking back the power we gave to them once upon a time and taking control of our life.  Texts, calls, fb posts, etc., can make us panic because it feels so easy to go back to our old habits of thinking and behaving. 

Your anxiety is serving a purpose right now... . it's sounding loud bells and whistles and demanding you pay attention.  Your body is warning you and your flight/fight response is kicking in.  You are the gazelle grazing in the field who hears the lion's roar.  Pay attention to your instincts.

tailspin 

[lockedout]

Your state of distress isn't a bad thing. It's your subconscious responding to something that's happened many times over already. Embrace it. It will save your ass.

After the honeymoon phase is over and you're no longer "so much better" than the last guy the pattern of destruction begins. They blame you for everything, project, gaslight, use sex as a weapon, etc. Then there comes a detachment phase - they seek company elsewhere or not at all. This gives you time to look at what went wrong and because they've brainwashed you into automatically assuming everything's your fault. You reflect and think you've found the solution. You start feeling better about yourself and your hopes rise that the honeymoon phase will return. They see this and can't have it. They'll butter you up a little (like the e-mail) so you'll let down your defenses, start to trust them, and thing you've found the solution to the problems you've cause to create their unhappiness. As soon as you slip up the least little bit in their eyes, it's back to the blaming, gaslighting, projecting, inciting youranger etc. This is the most devastating phase; it's like crashing from a sugar high and it gets worse every time. I remember driving with reckless abandon up I-95 with no destination in mind. I had the presence of mind to pull into a rest area where I called my EAP hotline. that was the last major episode before the split.

You have this state of panic because you've had time to step back and see the picture. Now you know what her attempt to reach out will ultimately lead to.

Today I got an e-mail from mine complimenting me about how great of a time our son had with me this weekend. It doesn't bring on a state of panic. It makes me a little sad because more things like that could have gone a long way while we were together. What is it to me? Evidence. If, in a divorce proceeding she tries to implicate me in any way as an unfit parent it'll make for a hard case for her to prove.

[willy45]

Arg... . I so want to email her back. This is so hard. I don't understand why she does this. I seriously told her to get out of my life and to not call, not email, nothing. That was 6 weeks ago (or almost 7 now... . ). Why do I want to email her back so bad. Everytime she does this, it gets my hopes up that she has figured out something monumental. I don't know. I'm the one that dumped her. I don't know why this makes me want to email her back. So hard. And so annoying.

johnnyorganic

[freshstart48]

Arg... . I so want to email her back. This is so hard. I don't understand why she does this. I seriously told her to get out of my life and to not call, not email, nothing. That was 6 weeks ago (or almost 7 now... . ). Why do I want to email her back so bad. Everytime she does this, it gets my hopes up that she has figured out something monumental. I don't know. I'm the one that dumped her. I don't know why this makes me want to email her back. So hard. And so annoying.

I hope this isn't too harsh or blunt but... . if you'd moved on and found someone else, this wouldn't be an issue to you what-so-ever. You'd feel sorry for her but wouldn't reply so she'd take a hint and she'd move on to the next person.

[Clearmind]

rjh, it is so perplexing as to why we want to message back so bad. I do get it - I have been there. Why is it we turn to our ex's for validation when we know full well they cannot make us feel better/or provide it? Interesting thought to ponder!

OK - there has been contact - What is the lesson here?

I believe the lesson for me was to learn healthy ways to process the anxiety - use it to MY advantage to see what areas I still need to work on. You have not detached my friend - you haven't detached because you are feverishly protecting the no contact order rather than identifying and working through your triggers.

Your trigger is not your ex per se - its what she stands for. She possibly symbolises a whole host of things - including your own shame and self blame. We want to respond to test those waters - see if it really was us or was it in fact them -   - it was both of you - it was a dance for two.

Start to learn how to balance your emotions and look more towards the facts and the reality - start collecting the data on why you are not together.