Major blowup over boundary

[kpj]

It has been some time since I've posted, but I appreciate the support this group provides.   There has been a lot of change in the last 6-8 months with my uBPDm.   My dad passed away about about 6 months ago and I could write a book length post of activities leading up to and after my dads passing.  But this weekends blow up is a result of a boundary I set a couple months before he passed.

My children were over for a sleepover with my parents.   I've always had no fear either of my kids would be physically harmed, but always had concern my uBPDm would start expressing her views and skew'd perspectives to my kids.   Well the last sleepover, she said my kids tried to steal from her.   Over the years, she's accused basically everyone from her neighbors, landlords, cleaning people, siblings and even my dad from stealing from her.   The reality is she has surrounded herself with more crap than she can keep organized and her frantic behavior results in things being misplaced.  On tis accusation, I decided my kids could no longer be with her with me present.   Rather visits would be such that I could monitor, intervene and explain as needed.    I did not express this boundary and simply stopped asking for babysitting or agreeing to sleepovers.

Recently I was confronted and asked this weekend to explain.  Wanting me to list specifics and yelling or justifying those I provided. .   Now there is a major blowup with my uBPDm accusing my wife of this decision, saying things like you will pay, telling me I'm ruining her life and business.  I have a string of text messages that are simply her raging.

I put up with quite a bit while my dad was alive to keep a relationship with him.   I no longer have this motivation and simply feel like cutting off all contact.  I feel like I'd be running to do so, but also have no energy to put into such destructive a relationship.   I'm no longer angry or emotional at her reaction... . I simply do not care anymore.   My priority is my own family and I feel the duty to shield them from this.   My biggest hope is my kids maintain a positive view of their grandmother and never know the person I do.   

[Clearmind]

Kpj, I am sorry to hear about the blow up.

Did you ask your Mom for clarification about what she said to the kids about stealing?

What did you do when you received the text messages?

[kpj]

She's adamant that my son (11) tried to steal some toys that she had purchased to play with at their house.   She also said my daughter (8) stole some paints or craft materials.   I know my kids would not steal and if anything she probably confused my son because she will buy something and tell him its his... . then with some condition like to play at grandmas house or you can take home sometime.    I would probably just chalk it up to a misunderstanding if she would... but also given her paranoia and accusations on other people... . she's definitely set her mind to my kids now being thieves.  She also starts in on me on my parenting, that I dont teach them about god, and her opinion on my wife as reasons why my kids are thieves.  Holds no water... . but in it I can see the same pattern which generated so much self doubt and self worth issues for me when I was growing up.

I simply ignored the text messages.   I quell my instant reaction to get angry... . remind myself she has a disorder.    While it does not excuse the behavior... . it also means I'm under no obligation to respond to it and unlikely to affect any change in it by confronting it.

[Clearmind]

kpj, the best thing to do is not react. Your mom needs to process it herself rather than use you to cast her projections. You are doing yourself a favor by simply stepping back.

I can understand you not wanting the kids to stay over if accusations are going to fly. A parents role is to protect. Yes she will get mad/angry - how have you conveyed your boundary and is she continuing to contact you over this?

[chriskell]

Sorry about your dad . . . . I made the decision about 5 years ago or so that I (and/or my husband) would be there to monitor all contact between my uBPDm and my children. My mother left in a huff one Christmas after telling me that my sweet 6 year old son had asked my uncle (who has schizophrenia) why he lived with his mom. I know it was an innocent and harmless question, but she interpreted it as malicious and something he was probably put up to by my husband. Something clicked in me when this happened and it was so clear to me that I must monitor all contact and protect my children. I do not have any hope that my children will have a positive relationship for their grandmother. They understand that she has something wrong with her, and they feel compassion for her. I think that somewhere in that conniving but confused mind of hers, she understands she does not have and never will have the kind of control and influence over her grandchildren that she once enjoyed over her children. Good luck with your boundary.

[kpj]

Hi clearmind, great questions to make me think about my mindset and approach.   We have not communicated live since she confronted me and I explained the boundary and why this past weekend.   I told her I felt the need to be there to observe, intervene and explain when necessary.  Tonight I received a text that she was sorry (we will see for what) and wants me back in her life.   I explained I would call her tomorrow, but would not participate in a conversation with the tone of the previous day full of rage and ager directed at my wife.   She said she's given the anger to god.    Usually the next conversation will be filled with how I've lost my way in the teachings I was raised with and need to get closer to god and further puff up her own self image of how holy she is.    I'm curious if you have suggestions for how to maintain my boundary and not get caught up in the rats nest of giving specific examples of what I've seen over the years that led me to this.   I'm struggling with how to address this so directly as I'm being asked with out also talking about the disorder I believe she has.   

Chriskell, thanks for sharing your story.   I can completely identify with situations where the BPD can twist completely normal child behavior.   Makes me think of the time when my mom decided to go after my son when he was 7 about a childish poopy humor joke he told.   She emailed him about how she expected so much more of him, etc.    it sounds like you made the right decision in your family.   How have you managed this boundary over time?   Does it become a constant source of conflict?   

[Clearmind]

You don't need to justify or explain your boundary. If you wish to be present with the kids when she is around then that's your boundary.

If she gets angry or rages - don't reinforce bad behaviour by sticking around. Leave, or get off the phone the very moment she begins to escalate. You will not be heard if she is raging.

Set your boundary, about leaving if she doesn't calm down early.

Ignore texts.

Now she has apologised she may think its ok to have the kids now, unattended.

[kpj]

Thanks.  Your advice confirms what I've been feeling.   There is a great freedom and ability to detach by understanding that she does not have to know about or agree with the boundary.   With my kids... . that's easy.   I have never had any guilt understanding my number 1 responsibility is to protect them.   Other boundaries are a little more difficult especially when my siblings (or my Dad) always took the role of peacemaker.   

You are 100% right on that she probably feels by apologizing that the boundary may go away.   I think that is what really go her going the other day.   I was clear with that it was a history of behavior that led to my decision and it would be only after a sustained change that I would consider any change to my decision.    She asked if that would ever happen and I was honest saying that I didn't think any change was likely.   

[Clearmind]

kpj I think there is one major lesson I learnt about how to interact with my BPD father - not take things personally and have enough confidence and worth where I don't have to justify - it's just the way I want it to be. Period! We are adults now - often we sky rocket into childhood thinking - of needing to continue to please our parents.

Fall out may happen - guilt may transpire on our part - both can be rationalized. Your family cannot - they come first.

Often when our BPD parents apologize we normalize it for them - we may say "oh thats OK" or "I'm sorry I did x, y,z" Much like a toddler, consistency is critical. We can be our own worst enemies by bending backwards to help them feel comfortable at the expense of our need to feel protected.

Your Dad has set up a lifelong pattern of rescuing - is my guess - difficult to change him - siblings need to deal with it the best way they can.

Its possible to have a relationship with your Mom - establish some boundaries first and work on your own sense of worthiness. Its common for us to have self-defeating thoughts after being raised in a Borderline household.

[chriskell]

All the comments on this thread have been helpful to me. This boundary has not been difficult to maintain, because as you said above I don't feel any guilt over it because I am protecting my children. In my family, it has not caused ongoing conflict. For one thing, my 3 kids are the only ones out of 14 grandchildren that have any contact with my mother. Also, I never announced the boundary - I just started monitoring her contact with my kids. She always has so much conflict swirling around her that I don't really know when she noticed or how she interpreted the change. Based on prior experiences with her, one day she will bring up the issue and give me a hard time over it. It's interesting what you said about the BPDm taking innocent comments from children and turning them into something else. I realized that is what my mom did to me and my siblings our whole lives.