Thanks for answering. I do try not to project my anxiety to the children but struggle at times. How do you tell your children they can't open the door to their father if he calls round unannounced ( He has talked about voices telling him to kill our son but is now not suffering from psychosis anymore... . )
I have read about parent alienation but I don' think that my STBX had tried his best in this area as he was probably convinced we'd get back together once I'd calm down. What he didn't realise is that I would finally understand all the abuse I had suffered for the last 20 years and find the strength to move on.
Alienation is a difficult topic I find as I have found myself having to be quiet frank with the children as to what their father can be like as I ffel that is the only way they can make sense of the situation.Why pretend he is a nice and caring father when he is not. I obviously didn't use these words but still... .
What I did with S11 is make it safe for him to talk to me -- I validate validate validate (Power of Validation is an excellent book, can't recommend it enough for parents who have kids with BPD exes. That makes him feel safe, and it has also helped him develop a core sense of who he is, even when he is struggling with very difficult feelings and situations. When he has mentioned stuff his dad says, I ask him, "What do you believe?" or "How do you feel about that?" That way he isn't in the middle. It's now at the point where he will say what he thinks or feels, and then maybe ask me what I think/feel/believe. A few times I have answered that there are parts of the story that are true, but the whole is not. And I will try to guide him back to his instincts and intuition, giving him positive feedback for using his own perception to work this stuff out.
Because N/BPDxh had a psychotic episode when S11 was with him, we have *An Event* that made it necessary for us to talk openly about N/BPDx's mental stability. But we only referred to it around the time it was happening. Nowadays, with the conflict down to medium high, we never talk about it. One time N/BPDx showed up at my church right before S11 was about to perform in the pageant. I could see S11 tensing so much it broke my heart. I just focused on his feelings, and tried to find a way for him to learn how to navigate this stuff. So I said, "I was surprised to see N/BPDx here, and it made me feel uncomfortable at first. But I plan to sit over there and enjoy the show. Daddy will sit over here and enjoy the show too. When it's break, if you want to say hi to him that's ok with me because I get to see you all the time. I'll be in the annex after the show when you're ready."
My T calls it a loyalty bind when kids don't know who to show their love to, and that it's good to let kids know that not everyone feels confident in their relationships, and sometimes people feel like you have to take sides. I told S11 that N/BPDx seems to hurt so bad that he can't help doing that, and that S11 will learn over time how he wants to handle that. I've also told him that I found N/BPDx to be a very challenging and difficult person, and that sometimes I felt very confused, and that it's ok if he doesn't always feel assertive with his dad. He was coming home feeling very guilty, and I think he was worried that he was not standing up for me, and that he was saying things to side with N/BPDx because the alternative (standing up for me) would make N/BPDx angry.
It's so tough. It takes a lot of effort, and not therapy isn't enough. As the stable parents, we have to parent our kids at the deepest emotional and psychological level so they don't repeat these patterns.
