Were our own issues screaming to be addressed? Could the pwBPD have been anyone?

[bb12]

I often wonder whether my own issues (possible codependency, cripplingly low self-esteem, anxiety disorder) have been mounting for years.

At the end of the relationship BEFORE my xBPD, I did not handle the ending well. I became a bit obsessed and was in a weird pre-occupied fuzz for a month or so before clicking out of it and moving on.

So, with the ending of my ex with BPD, those feelings of 'other directedness' and obsession were actually familiar... . but this time I did not click out of the fuzz immediately and instead took a full year to assess the carnage and detach.

As much as I can see BPD traits in my ex and am certain that the devaluation and discard (with silent treatment) are the behaviours of a card carrying member of the NPD club, I also wonder whether my own issues were so severe that they were demanding some attention.

And more recently, were my issues as great or greater than my ex's?

Did anyone else feel they were building to this? That this was inevitable?

BB12

[waverider]

It is very likely that your excessive needs (eg low self esteem) in some areas made you vulnerable to the idealization abilities of a pwBPD.

After all it is not a huge stretch to believe that in order for us to make the unhealthy decision to be in an unhealthy RS we must ourselves have unhealthy issues.

Sometimes it takes this realization and the things we learn here to make us the healthy people we could have been.

If you like the pwBPD can give us a wake up call to our own deficiencies, there is less margin for our own failings in a BPD relationship

[maria1]

Hi BB12

I was in a 13 year r/s with my children's father. He is very child like and has issues with alcohol. I did too when we got together and probably through much of our r/s. After nearly a year I got into a r/s with a non drinker who was great with my kids (their dad isn't very engaged, his attention is always elsewhere). I realised just as he was moving in with us that it was all wrong. I can distinctly remember thinking 'why do I keep getting into relationships with messed up people. I need to look at my own stuff but I can't'.

BPDex was so all consuming I didn't even pause to consider that again, until one night when he'd tried to rage at me and I hadn't left which was how I would normally. I said to him, shouted probably, in tears:

":)o not put your anger onto me. I will not have any more men putting their s**t onto me."

He apologised. I stayed that night but desperately wanted to be at home, in my bed, on my own. I couldn't leave because I knew the worry of leaving him would outweigh my own need to look after myself. I knew something was terribly wrong with the whole situation.

It needed me loving somebody that much to make me look at myself. I had to feel the pain. I could have gone on walking away from dysfunctional people but I would have just thought there are lots of dysfunctional men out there (my friends keep saying that's all it is). That's true too but my own dysfunction is all I can fix.

So for me it had to be BPDex that did it. I didn't care about anybody else enough to see how badly I was setting my own needs aside. I couldn't recognise my own codependency.

[bb12]

Thanks guys! Yep hadn't realised how far back I had placed my own needs.

Funny though. When you are slapped awake by this BPD experience you suddenly see all of the poor choices you've made over many years and a sadness or lament comes with that.

Hope I haven't left my run at healthy grown up love too late

Bb12

[Maryiscontrary]

Wow this is good stuff.

No it is not too late bb12. People who have it together are in short supply.

[maria1]

It's never too late BB12!

Just take a look around you at all the people stuck in dysfunctional r/s because they are scared to go it alone. They might appear healthy but I'm seeing that we scratch beneath the surface and there's dysfunction everywhere!

I'm starting to think maybe we need the red pill to get healthy. Maybe we are a messed up generation and there are more of us dysfunctional than not. Codependency is all around us!

I'm where you are with the lament/ sadness but I'm also thinking happy on my own is better than stuck where I don't want to be.

You are worth something good. Take your time; there really is no hurry x

[Maryiscontrary]

Wow Maria, I was thinking the same thing.

[waverider]

Most people are flawed, except most partners are forgiving and so the flaws pass without note. pwBPD are not as forgiving so your flaws are exposed.

At first you deny them and blame all on the pwBPD (how ironic is that). This path dooms the relationship to perpetual destructive cycles, until the day you wake up and recognize your flawed contribution. Address this and you break the cycle, only then can the RS have much chance of improvement, and only then will the pwBPD find it harder to project their issues onto you.

If left with their own baggage to hold this will increase their chance (no guarantees) of dealing with them in a healthier manner.

But until you fix your side of the fence nothing will improve.

[maria1]

Wow Maria, I was thinking the same thing.

Yep Mary, we said it at the same time! - few and far between but I am convinced they are out there! I'm using OK Cupid not to date really, just to assess healthy/ unhealthy. So far I reckon the count is on about 98% unhealthy.

But of course my count could be skewed because my profile may only attract the crazies, being an utter nutjob myself!

[Maryiscontrary]

Maria, it is not just you. Most people have severe problems. Most people want an enabler. It is truly a numbers game. I believe online is a great medium, because I can weed out the psychos progressively, without them knowing my number or my email.

[Maryiscontrary]

Wave rider this is very, very true.

[heartandwhole]

Hi bb12  

Yep, my BPD experience was a perfect storm brewing.  Before him, I was in a casual relationship that I thought was something else, against all obvious evidence, and I convinced myself that I was okay with it, although it was completely unfulfilling and sometimes painful.  I let it go on for years until one day I realized what I was dealing with (suspect some N traits in the lover) and my "love" for him just disappeared.  I mean, poof!  And I never looked back.  But it took ages and the whole time I didn't know what I wanted, what I needed, what I deserved or even what my values were.  I just took what I was given and twisted my feelings into a form of acceptance.

I look back now and think what the $%*! was I thinking     I don't have that kind of time to waste.  Then came pwBPD... . maybe there has been some growth on my part because this r/s took less than half the time of the other one to blow up.

I am grateful, the drama of the BPD r/s really got me deeper into my FOO stuff and what I am learning is radiating out to ALL my relationships.  A good thing.

[bb12]

It's never too late BB12!

Just take a look around you at all the people stuck in dysfunctional r/s because they are scared to go it alone. They might appear healthy but I'm seeing that we scratch beneath the surface and there's dysfunction everywhere!

thanks Maria1. much appreciated

[bb12]

Most people are flawed, except most partners are forgiving and so the flaws pass without note. pwBPD are not as forgiving so your flaws are exposed.

But until you fix your side of the fence nothing will improve.

Wow!

Just wow!

Spot on Waverider... . I think it's as simple as that.

We are left exposed and shamed... . but are no more flawed than anyone else

[waverider]

Most people are flawed, except most partners are forgiving and so the flaws pass without note. pwBPD are not as forgiving so your flaws are exposed.

But until you fix your side of the fence nothing will improve.

Wow!

Just wow!

Spot on Waverider... . I think it's as simple as that.

We are left exposed and shamed... . but are no more flawed than anyone else

yep so dont guilt yourself over it.

When you come to terms with that and make positive steps to address it you will be a far better person than you ever would have been otherwise, and better than many. Who in turn are often deluded about their own nobilty simply because they have never been tested.

The "lessons' are good life skill tools regardless of BPD

[AnotherPhoenix]

 

I often wonder whether my own issues (possible codependency, cripplingly low self-esteem, anxiety disorder) have been mounting for years.

That was me, I had come a very long ways with my issues resutling from my FOO. But, I still had a lot of weaknesses, and was a great target for a BPD (w/NPD traits).

16 years with my ex made these issues so much more pronounced. She did a whammy to me regarding these issues. Set me way back. At the end I felt like I was living in my FOO--living in hell--worse, actually. I think psychologically I was much more beaten up when I left my ex 1 year ago than I was after leaving my FOO. A PTSD type thing I think.

I don't think it was inevitable that I would get involved with someone like my ex. I was recovering nicely. But my issues made me very susceptible to getting involved with someone like my ex.

Yep hadn't realised how far back I had placed my own needs.

Yep, me too.

From WaveRider:

It is very likely that your excessive needs (eg low self esteem) in some areas made you vulnerable to the idealization abilities of a pwBPD.

Very true for me!


I don't believe it isn't too late for a great relationship for any of us. It will happen.

First, I'm working on me. I'm learning to fill the "hole" with me. I'm getting there.

AnotherPheonix   

[charred]

When you live with problems you are not always aware of them. I have read that people usually end up being attracted to and by people who are at about the same emotional maturity as them. When I first was learning about my pwBPD... I thought it was the answer... it was all her. However it was both us nearly equally. I learned I have early attachment issues, and from schema therapy tests... quite a few things to work on... nearly as much as my pwBPD... though not all in one big BPD hairball PD.

Could the pwBPD have been anyone? No... I have dated about 25 people (actually more, but had sex relations with that many, so figure those were more serious)... and only one r/s was explosively disordered. I think that any attractive gal with BPD could have been the one... because I would have been attracted and would have eaten up the idealizing blowing smoke stage... . which doesn't happen with normal people, which is why I say no, it couldn't have been just anyone.

And YES our own issues are screaming to be addressed... if we were truly healthy/happy functioning as adults, we would not be right for a dsyfunctional r/s with a pwBPD.

[spaceace]

Most people are flawed, except most partners are forgiving and so the flaws pass without note. pwBPD are not as forgiving so your flaws are exposed.

At first you deny them and blame all on the pwBPD (how ironic is that). This path dooms the relationship to perpetual destructive cycles, until the day you wake up and recognize your flawed contribution. Address this and you break the cycle, only then can the RS have much chance of improvement, and only then will the pwBPD find it harder to project their issues onto you.

If left with their own baggage to hold this will increase their chance (no guarantees) of dealing with them in a healthier manner.

But until you fix your side of the fence nothing will improve.

This is very true and rings resoundingly clear for me. I was doing everything relational that I could possibly do, and my wife cut me out of her life. She went completely NC on me. It scared me to death. She had done this to me 2 other times and I thought for sure it would pass. I thought this because I "felt" we were making strides moving forward in our marriage. I was wrong. The NC persisted and then when she did respond to anything I would write, trying to get back in her "good graces" she would continually repeat "I was abusive and she had to get away from me". That took me for a loop! I know I was not abusive. I know what I was doing. I was doing the hard work. I look back now, 5 months of NC and being separated, the FOG is lifting and I am sure she knew, she could no longer expect me to be the carrier of her emotional baggage and just take her spinning out of control.

I did not want the marriage to end, by no means, but she knew I was no longer willing to play by her irrational rules.

I truly believe, she was no longer willing or able to see me in any light but bad. Her spinning out and demands were not being reciprocated any longer. Not that what she needed didn't matter. But I could no longer accept being yelled at and held to a standard that she herself was not living up to.

At the end of the day, I will no longer need to worry about her hurting my heart by up and leaving me continually. I am back in control of living my life for myself.

[waverider]

Most people are flawed, except most partners are forgiving and so the flaws pass without note. pwBPD are not as forgiving so your flaws are exposed.

At first you deny them and blame all on the pwBPD (how ironic is that). This path dooms the relationship to perpetual destructive cycles, until the day you wake up and recognize your flawed contribution. Address this and you break the cycle, only then can the RS have much chance of improvement, and only then will the pwBPD find it harder to project their issues onto you.

If left with their own baggage to hold this will increase their chance (no guarantees) of dealing with them in a healthier manner.

But until you fix your side of the fence nothing will improve.

This is very true and rings resoundingly clear for me. I was doing everything relational that I could possibly do, and my wife cut me out of her life. She went completely NC on me. It scared me to death. She had done this to me 2 other times and I thought for sure it would pass. I thought this because I "felt" we were making strides moving forward in our marriage. I was wrong. The NC persisted and then when she did respond to anything I would write, trying to get back in her "good graces" she would continually repeat "I was abusive and she had to get away from me". That took me for a loop! I know I was not abusive. I know what I was doing. I was doing the hard work. I look back now, 5 months of NC and being separated, the FOG is lifting and I am sure she knew, she could no longer expect me to be the carrier of her emotional baggage and just take her spinning out of control.

I did not want the marriage to end, by no means, but she knew I was no longer willing to play by her irrational rules.

I truly believe, she was no longer willing or able to see me in any light but bad. Her spinning out and demands were not being reciprocated any longer. Not that what she needed didn't matter. But I could no longer accept being yelled at and held to a standard that she herself was not living up to.

At the end of the day, I will no longer need to worry about her hurting my heart by up and leaving me continually. I am back in control of living my life for myself.

It is difficult to accurately, and objectively, identify the abnormalities within a RS while you are still in it. This is the real difficulty that stayers have. We are too close and our benchmarks are often skewed. It is a reason for external support such as this site to bring these things to our attention.

[laelle]

Most people are flawed, except most partners are forgiving and so the flaws pass without note. pwBPD are not as forgiving so your flaws are exposed.

But until you fix your side of the fence nothing will improve.

Wow!

Just wow!

Spot on Waverider... . I think it's as simple as that.

We are left exposed and shamed... . but are no more flawed than anyone else

yep so dont guilt yourself over it.

When you come to terms with that and make positive steps to address it you will be a far better person than you ever would have been otherwise, and better than many. Who in turn are often deluded about their own nobilty simply because they have never been tested.

The "lessons' are good life skill tools regardless of BPD

I second that WOW!  I get it now.  That clears up tons of guilt for me.  Thank you so much.