Any thoughts about ideal parenting?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I need to become my own parent.

Recent discoveries about self-compassion had me realize that when I was doing it I was talking to myself like a parent would. This has led me to a thought that I should become my own parent.

For me a good parent is available, compassionate and sets boundries while stimulating growth by being guiding and let the child experience challenges. And if the challenge fails a good parent would acknowledge the emotions of the defeat and encourage trying again, to not let the child feel awful about failing.

I know a lot of you did not have "ideal" parents, me included. But if you think about it how could your childhood been easier? How would an ideal parent act? I am interested in anything from personal thoughts, books, videos, websites to whatever you feel like.

[Mountaineagle]

I need to become my own parent.

Recent discoveries about self-compassion had me realize that when I was doing it I was talking to myself like a parent would. This has led me to a thought that I should become my own parent.

For me a good parent is available, compassionate and sets boundries while stimulating growth by being guiding and let the child experience challenges. And if the challenge fails a good parent would acknowledge the emotions of the defeat and encourage trying again, to not let the child feel awful about failing.

I know a lot of you did not have "ideal" parents, me included. But if you think about it how could your childhood been easier? How would an ideal parent act? I am interested in anything from personal thoughts, books, videos, websites to whatever you feel like.

[GreenMango]

Shoot... . Great topic.

I don't know if I have an ideal, I'm not sure ideal exists.  I know what I got.  It wasn't ideal, but I've come see why things were the way they were.

When/if I become a parent what I'd like to do a little differently than what I got... . consistency/less chaos.  My father was the farthest thing from consistent.  He was exciting and fun at times and then dangerous and unpredictable at others-it's the nature of having Bipolar disorder.

I learned some interesting things from him too though - music, classic cars, how to fix things (leaky pipes), the ocean (how to read the water, tides, safety) and survival skills (camping/hiking).  I also learned that you don't go to a shoemaker for a watch - so there are things I don't go to my father for now.  I learned boundaries.  I learned some things you can't change no matter how much you want or need it - and that that's okay too once you don't want it or need it.  I think they call it acceptance - I'm just calling it peaceful.  My mother is fairly reasonable person and I'm very grateful for her stabilizing presence too.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Honor your inner voice and your inner child.

It would have helped for parents to listen, and stop talking so much.  Positive reinforcement is good.  Maria was talking about being present.  I agree, and I think both emotionally and physically.  Being honest about feelings and sharing feelings.

[Mountaineagle]

Thank you GreenMango and Phoeniz.Rising for your thoughts. 

I don't know if I have an ideal, I'm not sure ideal exists.  I know what I got.  It wasn't ideal, but I've come see why things were the way they were.

I also know My parents have done the best they could with what they had. Due to events far beyond anyone's control, my people has wounds. So a lot of my personal suffering today is also traced back in time. The government in the country I live in decided to eradicate the culture of my people and one of the means was to order every child to go to bording school to separate the children from their culture. My mother and father left home at the age of 7 and they never returned. I think this cut their bonds to what parenting is. They themselves did not get propper caring and parenting.

When/if I become a parent what I'd like to do a little differently than what I got... . consistency/less chaos.  My father was the farthest thing from consistent.  He was exciting and fun at times and then dangerous and unpredictable at others-it's the nature of having Bipolar disorder.

Consistency and not getting your boat rocked all the time is definently good It is scary when you don't know what is coming or when people might blow up on you. It is the whole walking on eggshells thing again, and not being able to fully trust, always having a little distance, because you never know what could happen when you let your guard down.

I learned some interesting things from him too though - music, classic cars, how to fix things (leaky pipes), the ocean (how to read the water, tides, safety) and survival skills (camping/hiking).  I also learned that you don't go to a shoemaker for a watch - so there are things I don't go to my father for now.  I learned boundaries.  I learned some things you can't change no matter how much you want or need it - and that that's okay too once you don't want it or need it.  I think they call it acceptance - I'm just calling it peaceful.  My mother is fairly reasonable person and I'm very grateful for her stabilizing presence too.

I have learned many useful things as well and have enjoyed the benefits of the good things. It has enabled me to travel the world experiencing awesome stuff. What they also thought me was their own coping mechanisms like denial, suppression, overcompensation and more. These coping mechanisms are not healthy for me, and I think that they have brought me in this situation I am in now. I am truly grateful for getting this opportunity to learn and challenge my previous beliefs and hopefully evolve.

Honor your inner voice and your inner child.

It would have helped for parents to listen, and stop talking so much.  Positive reinforcement is good.  Maria was talking about being present.  I agree, and I think both emotionally and physically.  Being honest about feelings and sharing feelings.

These are very good suggestions. I am listening to my inner child and thinking about my parents, and the word forgiveness pops into mind. I take that as a good sign. Life is life and we are only humans trying to do our best!

So to sum up some of the traits you've mentioned and some I think are nourishing and useful:

- Safety

- Structure

- Consistency

- Presence

- Listening

- Acknowledging

- Compassion

- Empathy

- Openness

- Sharing

- Knowledge




   

[Blazing Star]

I like this parenting of the self!

Something that might help is an exercise a T gave me years ago, it involved going back as Adult Blazing Star to Child Blazing Star when she was experiencing some trauma, I wrote a letter to her, saying that I was here for her, saying all the things I guess I wanted to hear when I was in that traumatic time, it was very healing, and a bit like this parenting of the self.

I know a lot of you did not have "ideal" parents, me included. But if you think about it how could your childhood been easier? How would an ideal parent act? I am interested in anything from personal thoughts, books, videos, websites to whatever you feel like.

As a parent myself, trying to do my best for my children I read up a lot on parenting, so you could get some books on parenting from the library (not so much the 'control your child' ones, rather the 'connect with your child' ones). I recently read Heart to Heart Parenting, which I really enjoyed. It actually has some simple exercises in it that help you to go back to memories of your own parenting and help heal them.

Or any books on Attachment Parenting are interesting reading too, and you could apply this to yourself as being present to your own needs, doing things in your own time, giving yourself priority.

I am not sure how deep you want to go into this, it is such a huge topic - parenting, you could just pick one of the traits to work on at a time, focus on, journal around etc.

Love Blazing Star

[Mountaineagle]

Something that might help is an exercise a T gave me years ago, it involved going back as Adult Blazing Star to Child Blazing Star when she was experiencing some trauma, I wrote a letter to her, saying that I was here for her, saying all the things I guess I wanted to hear when I was in that traumatic time, it was very healing, and a bit like this parenting of the self.

This is fantastic advise! I will definitely do this 

As a parent myself, trying to do my best for my children I read up a lot on parenting, so you could get some books on parenting from the library (not so much the 'control your child' ones, rather the 'connect with your child' ones). I recently read Heart to Heart Parenting, which I really enjoyed. It actually has some simple exercises in it that help you to go back to memories of your own parenting and help heal them.

Or any books on Attachment Parenting are interesting reading too, and you could apply this to yourself as being present to your own needs, doing things in your own time, giving yourself priority.

The book looks like just the thing I am looking for, I will order it soon.

I am not sure how deep you want to go into this, it is such a huge topic - parenting, you could just pick one of the traits to work on at a time, focus on, journal around etc.

I will go as deep as I can get. It is a HUGE one but after crashing like I did I expect to be in healing for quite a while. One thing I have learned in this process is to take things in small bites and babystep my way forward. So I am in no rush I am just gathering perspective and knowledge for now so this is most helpful. Thank you so much!

[doubleAries]

Mountaineagle,

This is something I am dealing with myself. For me, it has a lot to do with "self-talk". Not only did I not have "ideal" parents, I had truly horrible parents. And now, as an adult, my subconscious self-talk is pretty darn mean. It's hard to catch, too!

I have talked with my T about this a lot, and he gave me a copy of a book he wrote called "Becoming a Better Parent"--it's available through Amazon, here's the link www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss/185-3107385-8602010?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=becoming+a+better+parent+Robert+Lang

It's a great book, as it dispels some of the ideas about what an "ideal" parent supposedly is, and instead of saying "act like this, do that, behave like so" (advice driven), the book talks a lot more about changing ourselves instead of our kids. He also wrote the book for people who need to parent themselves. I highly recommend it.

And yes, one of the  moments for me was how so many people try to stop someone (including children) from feeling something--"oh, don't feel like that!" or "you shouldn't be sad/angry" etc. Instead of acknowledging and sympathising with someone elses emotions.

you can browse through the book some on the Amazon site.

doubleAries

[Phoenix.Rising]

Mountaineagle,  I like that you mentioned forgiveness.  It's important for me not only to forgive others, but also myself.